Dear Pam & Kirk,
I was touched by seeing you both express your problems in relationship. I have personally been through many of the issues you too now face. Though I offer a male perspective, I really do not think that either of you is a better or worse partner. Rather, you are each struggling to develop the emotional intimacy that I think you deep down inside want to share.
Kirk says:
Kirk explains, "We used to exercise together, and of course she was getting a little more curvier back there. After she said, 'I do' that completely stopped, and whatever she had built up, that just fell right off."
Pam says:
"I feel that he's pushing his insecurities on me. I'm happy the way I am. I didn't ask him to change me."
Pam – by your actions, you did ask him to change you (by building an intimate relationship with Kirk, who was your trainer / teacher / changer).
Kirk – you need to dedicate your life to finding self-esteem from within – not from your wife, her butt, or from the butts of other students you work to sculpt. Kirk, the butt is the symbol not the source. Your inner love must be the source. You may find a connection with this inner love (aka God) through a 12 step program and counseling (eg – SLAA, CoADA, AA, etc.). My personal experience is that emotional healing does not occur as quickly as physical / muscle building, but after a year or two of work, you will see and/or feel results.
Your value as a person does not depend on your results as a coach / trainer / teacher. Success in your profession may make you feel happy, but you need to be at joy and peace with who you are regardless of whether you have professional success or not.
Your wife is very good looking and will have no problems getting dates with or without you. You know this deep down inside. What you don’t know is that you are good looking too – not simply physically, but spiritually and emotionally and simply as a whole. I think you basically admitted that you place too much value in your exterior appearance and in exterior appearances in general.
Kirk, please realize that you have a circular problem that can only be resolved from within you. You enjoyed physically sculpting your wife’s butt prior to marriage because it made you feel powerful. Now that you’ve married her, your wife does not want to continue working out. This is a partly a control issue: your wife wants to be an equal in her new relationship with you – not a mere student. And it is a manipulation on her part that you cannot control. “Manipulation” makes it sound bad, but regardless of whether it is good or bad, it is a change that you cannot control.
First she enjoyed letting you sculpt her, now she does not. My guess (and you should ask her) is that this is related to her self-esteem: she thinks that the act of marriage was an act in which you gave her a message that you would love her unconditionally - no matter how saggy her butt looked. She feels that otherwise she is no different from another gym client. While she does not necessarily have to sculpt her butt, as your wife she should WANT to do things that make you feel like a man. This is because marriage is a symbol, whereas love is a constant action which takes many different forms. Again, other activities might be chosen together, but you do each want to establish a DAILY ritual that reminds each other of your love and respect for each other.
In the past for you, an exchange of love occurred when you taught her how to sculpt her body into a shape you thought you both found aesthetically pleasing. In fact, she found it pleasing because she wanted to please you. Now she worries that, if the act of marriage did not please you, then no amount of sculpting she can do will ever please you. That is her fear: she will never be able to live up to you and your standards for physical beauty. This is an area of fear for her – and perhaps that is why she was interested in sculpting and going to the gym in the first place. But now that she has tried sculpting and gotten married to the sculptor she feels that the problem was fixed. For you, part of the joy of sculpting is the process. It is a process which allows you to feel like a teacher, a coach, a valuable confidant in her life -- a man.
Kirk, you must change what it is that you use to feel worthy. All those feelings that you got from sculpting her are feelings you must find from within. Again, seriously consider a regular 12 step meeting (there are issues here that remind me of SLAA). Pamela, all those fears that you have of being rejected by him for not being perfect, you must straight up confess to him. You must let him know that you fear that you can never have the perfect butt. And you too must undertake some serious counseling / growth work. I agree with Dr. Phil’s assessment that there is an inner conflict within you – it sounds as if you are a rage-aholic. As Dr. Phil said, you must take anger out of your emotional vocabulary and replace it with statements like “I’m scared that” “I’m afraid that” “I worry that” “I feel hurt that” “I feel frustrated that.”
Pamela, you must realize that not only is Kirk very strong physically, but more importantly, he has shown remarkable emotional resilience and a willingness to learn. He was willing to be on the show and speak candidly about what he felt he wanted – even though it made him appear shallow because he expressed mainly the end goal (your butt) and not the process (the exercising together) that made him feel in harmony with you. He has expressed that he wants the relationship to work – and that is feeling that, if you do not nurture it, may change!
Pamela, you must realize that when you work out with Kirk, as you did before you were married, it is not because he loves you merely because of your results, it is also that he loved sharing the process with you. (And Kirk as you read this, you would probably encourage Pam to exercise with you by not mentioning results at all). In fact, now each of you might try to focus on the process of emotional growth: you both need to grow in different ways but you can share the process with each other each day (perhaps at dinner or before bed, etc.).
Pamela, you say you feel ready to leave the relationship, but really you have not given it a chance – and you’re simply afraid to be vulnerable to Kirk.
What’s sad is that IN ADDITION TO INDIVIDUAL GROWTH WORK you both need couples therapy because it’s obvious that neither of you has seen enough positive relationship dynamics (usually from your parents) to model them. Pam - you need to unlearn the rage; Kirk you need to unlearn the “results-only” thinking and the low self-esteem. You each need to share and actualize new models. Form a support team. Perhaps those words can be used and practiced in your household: “Support buddy.”
Best wishes and good luck: no matter what you are both good people and quite brave to share your lives with others. If you work at it for several years, AND I DO MEAN YEARS, you will be able to laugh at how foolish you looked once on Dr. Phil. And LAUGH TOGETHER!
Does Dr. Phil's advice really stick when his guests get back home? Find out when he checks up on some of your favorites. Remember the real-life "desperate housewife" and mother of five who was secretly addicted to pain pills? Now she's drug-free, but has a new addiction. Then, the 26-year-old runaway bride who broke off five engagements is back. Has she left a sixth broken heart in her wake? And, get updates on the wife who couldn't stop snooping on her husband, a post-surgery teen and more! Talk about the show here.
