My husband and I watched this show together, as we do most Dr. Phil shows. We've been married 24 years. He weighs about 700 lbs. (this is our best guess as he is housebound and we don't have a scale to weigh him) and I am doing good if I can stay above 90 lbs. He's 6'3", I'm 5'2". Yes, he's always had a weight problem. The rest of his family does not although his mother had him on a diet most of his childhood. My mother has been a big woman my whole life. I remember my "dad" always putting her down, saying the same type of thing this idiot does to his wife, and watched her get bigger and bigger as a result. It never helped but it really hurt her. So I learned from that. Remember the movie "Bambi"? Thumper said "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all". We know he meant "don't say ANYTHING at all". Grandma said that was a good saying and we should learn from it. So I've always tried to follow that theory.
My problem with the guy on the show? It's almost always a "man" who has his own weight problem putting down women with the same problem. I don't understand how they think they are better and have the right to degrade the ones they "love" in that way. I don't know how long ago the "Blue Comedy Tour" started but when they brought out the fat guy that tells almost all fat women jokes, I quit watching. Now I see him on t.v. for some weight loss group. I think he must have figured out he should fix himself first, then maybe his jokes would actually be jokes. The one about being pulled over by a cop, asked if he'd been drinking, responding with "why? is there a fat woman in the backseat?" is what topped it. He had to be 300 lbs. or more at the time. I'm not saying skinny people have the right to degrade fat people, just getting my point across of how ignorant it is for anyone to degrade anyone else for any reason.
Now, I have to admit I have gotten resentful and spiteful through the years, I still try to not react to his weight in a negative way. Has it helped him in any way by me being nice? Absolutely not! I really want to yell and scream and cry but what good would that do him? It might make me feel better for about 1/2 a second until I see the way it would affect him, then I would feel like a giant piece of trash.
How do I deal with all this? I stay away from home and him as much as possible, take any work I can find to make money as he says I've been such a burden to him by being a stay-at-home wife (that was what we both wanted), being non-supportive when he tried to diet (which wasn't until about 2 years ago when I told him I wanted a divorce), tells me what a horrible mom I am (while his nickname for our 8 yr. old adopted daughter was "dumb" until last month when I told him I wished I had a camera in the house for 1 day just so he could see how often he yells at her and calls her that, among other things). The guilt I feel is for my daughter. I wish now we had left her in the hospital as a ward of the state (that was her birth mothers plan) as opposed to bringing her into what our life has turned into. I find myself taking my stress and anger out on her and last night was so mad that I was the one who called her stupid. Yes, I apologized but I know from experience that doesn't help. Once you say it, you can't take it back. "If you can't say something nice...."
So, where do I go from here? I did leave him in November 2006. I came back because his family wouldn't help him, he is disabled (even if it is his own fault-he says it's my fault he's fat), and my daughter loves him. I want her to have the chance to be with both of us. While I was in another house I couldn't supervise what was going on with them. She stayed mostly with him. He's really good at guilting her into feeling sorry for him. I don't feel that guilt anymore. I refuse to accept the blame, too. But as young as she is, it's easy for him to manipulate her. Meanwhile, being the provider he always claimed to be, he lost his home. Also my fault I'm told. So we got a large farmhouse, 2 story, so we can both be with her but not to close to each other. We share the kitchen, try to keep things as close to normal as possible for her, and try not to get on each others nerves.
I feel I'm stuck here until he dies at this point. With my luck he'll outlive me but I don't know what else to do. When I left he told our daughter I didn't love or want either of them and that if it wasn't for her I would still be there. I know it sounds bad but that is what I pray for-his death. Sad that this is what our lives have come to.
I wrote Dr. Phil a couple times for help but as my husband can't travel I never got a response. I've talked a lot with my daughter about why I left. She knows it is mainly because of her dads lies. He has always talked me down to his girl friends and family. When I confront him on it, he denies everything and says the others are telling the lies, trying to cause us problems. I've always asked why his friends and family would do that and he says they are jealous of me. More lies but he is one who believes what he says. We all know someone like him, the habitual liar who can't keep it straight and will deny to the death when called on it.
The result so far? My daughter has turned into a mini him. She lies about anything and everything and even when caught will deny it. For example, she will say something, I will say that's not right and tell the truth, she will say thats what she said. I say no, she said whatever, and she says well, that's what I meant.
I think she learned by us sharing a house again that it's ok to lie to me and get away with it. She sees me being nice to him even though she hears him still lie to my friends about how horrible I am. I feel so much guilt and anger and frustration towards them both I could fly. What a terrible injustice to all of us, I guess, that I can't seem to be mean enough to just take her, file for divorce and let him fall. I've checked into what would happen if I did this. The courts would not let him have visitation unless supervised because of her age and his disability. He would lose a third of his social security which wouldn't be enough for him to live on. And I'm afraid she would hate me for "doing" this to her dad.
So now I'm praying for the end of time......
(Original Air Date: 02/20/08) Dr. Phil takes on a couple whose story will shock you. Karen says she’s tired of being degraded and controlled by Rick, her husband of six years. She says he calls her “fat pig” and “fat whore,” criticizes her makeup, makes fat jokes and puts photos of nearly naked women on their computer and exercise machine to motivate her. Karen says if she tries to get close to him, he pushes her away and says, “Don’t even touch me until you’re under 200 pounds.” Rick says when he married Karen, she was within his standards, but now she definitely isn’t. He says he’s just trying to motivate his wife, but says it’s a good thing when they fight physically because it’s good exercise “when the beast wails her arms.” Karen says she puts up with the mental abuse because they have two children, and as crazy as it sounds, she still loves him. Is there a chance to salvage this relationship? Tell us what you think!
