Topic : 07/16 Bully Husband

Dr Phil -   do a follow up for us on this couple please.  We all want to know that she is safe and he has learned to temper his insanity.

This is not uncommon in America anymore - abusive men.

But abusive type men on TV baring all is unusual - usually abuse like that is done behind closed door.

We, as women, can't all afford to leave abusive relationships.   Especially while trying to raise children.

We try to make it work for the sake of the children.   Try to protect ourselves and our children from these men. But it takes years and years to fix an äbusive man - they actually believe what they say.

My abusive husband,  actually told me he wasn't the problem and that I was the problem all along.

He actually believed I was the abuser.  Funny I wasn't the one put in jail - he was for assault.

Assault on your wife is despectible.

 The tables actually turned in my home when I told him it was time for him to move out - there is the door (calmly, without tears, and without emotion).  So far he has refused to move out.

I think it's a great idea to donate clothing and such to help women get back into the workforce!  There are so many ways in which to help these women and their children.  I donate our used cell phones (and batteries) to the local women's shelter since they can still be used to notify police in an emergency.  Our office once held a "teddy bear drive" where the donated bears were to used to comfort frightened children coming into shelter.

I am glad to have found this post; it is a very intelligent and insightful message about bullying. I know, because I was extremely shy as a child and had experienced lots of bullying, mainly in the verbal form.  You are so right about the mean  spiritedness of bullying, as well as the fact that it is recurrent and, yes, the bullies are so good at hiding what they are doing from those in authoritarian positions such as teachers.  I had several children bully me verbally with the worst time being around 6th grade. One girl in particular (I'll call her Jane) seemed to be constantly finding fault with whatever I wore, said, did etc. and would rally other kids to join in with her in demeaning me.  It was intense and it happened every day.  The results can last for years. I do think that, although I am no longer shy and can handle social situations including problematic ones well, there are times I find myself still affected by those long ago days.

So what did I do about it?  I recently e-mailed "Jane"!!!  I haven't seen or heard from her in decades but got her e-mail from our High School reunion committee.  No I did not mention anything to her about the bullying..just talked about old memories from school and people that we knew.  I was determined that for the first time I would meet Jane on the same level and that she would no longer intimidate me.  And she didn't in her response.  She was in fact quite pleasant.  Actually she is now disabled.  I remember how she would target people for their weaknesses and that she was a master at finding them too. She would have made fun of someone who is in the position that she is in now.   I would never exploit the fact that she is at a disadvantage because I am not that kind of person, even after all the horrible bullying that I took at her hands (and mouth!!) as a child.  I feel no need to "get even". Re-connecting with her was an eye-opener for me as I saw the fragile side of a person that used to seem to have so much power over me. I just needed to see that, and I feel that I got my closure through this re-connection.

         LISTEN UP LADIES! It has happened AGAIN! Here in INDIANA another BULLY HUSBAND has KILLED his wife and one of their children! One of the kids survived a thirteen year old girl. LEFT ALONE IN THIS WORLD! Left alone because her mother decided too late to file for divorce! So for ALL you ladies that will stay with a BULLY HUSBAND because you have no money let me tell you this, THE LONGER YOU STAY WITH THEM THE MORE DANGEROUS IT WILL BE WHEN YOU LEAVE! The longer you stay with them the more controlling they become! You may think you are their WIVES but the BULLY HUSBANDS see you as PROPERTY!!! You AND your children!!!

           I read the post from a Md's wife here. So what if he leaves you with very little money? LAWYERS LOVE SUING DOCTORS! So GRAB YOUR KIDS and RUN!!!!!! He is a DOCTOR!!! That makes him even more dangerous! Doctors have access to drugs that can make it look like YOU committed suicide or died from a heart attack! Then WHERE would your CHILDREN be! WHO WOULD PROTECT THEM THEN?

           So ladies, listen up STOP using the excuse of not having enough money to leave your husbands!! Grab your kids and get to the NEAREST shelter! They will help you get out! If there isn't a shelter near you GO to the nearest police station, fire station or FAMILY SERVICES!!! There is NO excuse for staying in an abusive relationship!!!

            Usually, this is where I would be apologizing for saying anything that would scare or upset or anger anyone, but NOT today!!!! NOT when a CHILD is left ALONE because of an abusive man!!! If what I have said in this post can get even ONE woman out of an abusive situation then it's worth angering thousands!

I WAS READING THE POST ON HERE AND MOST OF THEM HAD SOME VERY HELPFUL ADVICE. I SEEN WHERE MANY OF THE POST SPOKE ABOUT THE KIDS GROWING UP IN A HOME WHERE THE HUSBAND IS BULLYING HIS WIFE.  I AM SPEAKING FROM A WOMEN WHO SAW HER MOTHER ABUSED BY MY STEPDAD WHEN I WAS AGE 6-9. I DIDN'T LEAVE WITH MY MOM , I WOULD ONLY VISIT DURING THE SUMMER. DURING THOSE SUMMER MONTHS THAT I WAS WITH HER, I WITNESS THE NAME CALLING, THE PHYSICAL ABUSE, AS WELL AS THE ALCOHOL MY MOM DRANKED TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN.

THE SITUATION NEVER GOT BETTER, AND EVEN WHEN MY MOM TRIED TO STAND UP TO HIM, SHE STILL WAS NO MATCH. FINALLY, MY GRANDMOTHER CAME AND GOT HER AND TOOK HER BACK TO MARYLAND WITH US. IF IT WASN'T FOR MY GRANDMOTHER STEPPING IN MY MOM MAY DEAD TODAY.

MY THING IS THIS AT SOME POINT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND FOUND OUT THAT IT IS OKAY TO TREAT THAT WAY AND THAT IS WHY THE DO IT.

ONLY PERSON CAN ONLY TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW THEM TOO. I HAVE DATED SOME GOOD GUYS AND I HAVE DATED SOME SO CALLED BAD GUYS. I HAVE DATED A GUY THAT I WAS TOLD HE HIT WOMEN. WE DATED 3 YEARS AND HE NEVER ONCE LAID HANDS ON ME OR TALKED TO ME IN A DISRESPECTFUL WAY. AND THE REASON BEING IS THAT I TOLD HIM STRAIGHT OUT THE GATE THAT I SAW MY MOM GET ABUSED AND I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT AND THE FIRST TIME HE EVEN THINK ABOUT IT , I WILL LEAVE HIM.

YOU DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE RAIN COMES BEFORE YOU SEEK SHELTER!!!!  YOU HAVE TO LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT HAVING IT PERIOD!!!!! IF THEY CAN'T DEAL WITH IT, THEN SEND THEM PACKING. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF IF NO ONE ELSE DOES. DON'T MAKE YOURSELF A VICTIM.

MANY WOMEN ARE SCARED OF BEING ALONE, BUT IF A MAN ABUSE YOU THAN YOU ARE ALONE BECAUSE HE DON'T LOOK AT YOU IN A LOVING WAY, JUST AS IS PROPERTY TO DO WHAT EVER HE FEELS LIKE DOING. THERE ARE MEN THAT TREAT THEIR CARS BETTER THAN THEIR WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS.

I HOPE THIS HELP SOMEONE. GOD BLESS