Quote From: jujubugHow, exactly, does one demand respect? If the abuser doesn't give respect in the first place, your demanding it won't be of any value. Besides, to quote a title of a famous book, when you realize "He's Really Not That Into You" and your heart is broken into tiny pieces, you don't have the strength to demand anything. And, for what its worth...........respect that is gained by demanding it is not comforting. You want your spouse to love you because of who you are and the things that make you lovable - not because you demand it. I'm in this situation myself. For over two decades now. I stay because I made a vow, ".....for better or for worse". This happens to be
"the worse" part that my vows spoke of. I stay because God does not approve of divorce. The Bible says that Moses would allow for a letter of divorcement because of "the hardness of their hearts." I don't want to have a hard heart. I want to have a soft heart. It is my job to show my husband unconditional love. It is his job to return the sentiment, but if he chooses not to, that is his problem and he will face God someday based on his own behavior. Dr. Laura will tell you that you knew what you were getting into before you got married. Not so. Sorry Dr. Laura, no disrespect intended. My husband & I knew each other only 5 months before we wed and our first two years were total bliss. Perfect in every way. Then the first child came along and I think my husband felt he was in competition for my affection. He wasn't, of course. I had enough love for both of them - always trying to treat my marriage with the proper priority it deserved. But something snapped w/in him and it's never been the same. I could write a book about the atrocities that have taken place in our home over the years. I could appear on Dr. Phil and let the world know, but I believe the solution is prayer and doing right. Would I like my husband to get help? Sure! Who wouldn't? Will he? Probably not. He doesn't think there is a problem. I take that back. I believe he knows our marriage isn't what it should be, but he won't acknowledge the problem because that would: a) damage his ego, and b) would require change. I'll shut up now and let others have their say, but let me close by saying if you've never lived with a person that has this sense of being right all the time, you can't begin to understand what we go through. Please don't be hard on Karen. Her heart is broken and she needs tenderness and a friend who will come along side of her and put their arm around her shoulder and hold her up, dry her tears and give her the affirmation that she needs - not more bullying from well intentioned bystanders that yell at her to "LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM, LEAVE HIM!!!!" Thanks for listening and have a super day!
Well I wrote out a nice ful answer & then promptly was "logged out"
so in short let me say that your husband is a nacassist too! You heard Dr. Phil refer to this during the show. Did you see the list of the emotional damage done by the narcassist? IF this is stays strickly emotional & verbal abuse IT WILL CYCLE down to YOUR CHILDREN. Take a good look at your daughter &/or son. You have a RESPONSIBILITY to them too! And they will become the abuser & the abused *IF YOU ALLOW them to be subjected to the dynamics of an abuser & his victim. Just because this stay emotional & verbal abuse for you does not mean it will stay that way with your children when it's their turn. Your daughter & son are being CONDITIONED now to see the behavior between a husband & a wife & what they're really being shown, an abuser & his victim! You did hear Dr. Phil call this man an abuser right????? "I could write a book about the atrocities that have taken place in our home over the years."
That is what YOU are teaching your child/children! You are not teaching your children "unconditional love of a spouse" you're teaching them that marriage includes atrocities! That is an abomination of marriage, the church, & GOD! You have a responsibility to your children as their mother & no your marriage doesn't come before that. Before I allowed a monster card blanch to my children I'd sell my soul to the devil! And God would FORGIVE me!
I'm taking a quote from a woman on a message board for supporters of abusers who have narcissistic personality disorder. Read carefully because God forgive you this is what you're setting your child up for!
"I have both a therapist and psychiatrist, and both helped me see how I gravitate toward men without consciences because I was raised around them. In fact, I was willing to look the other way for this guy precisely because I grew up looking the other way"
When people are telling Karen to Leave him, " Leave him, Leave him!!!!!!" they are hoping not to see her on the 10 O'Clock news as another Nicole Brown Simpson! Her husband was charming & charasmatic as well until she wasn't doing (as Karen's husband stated on the show) "if she would just do things the way I tell her to do them I wouldn't have to be like this". I'm sure if Nicole had followed OJ's instructions then she wouldn't have had to hide in the bushes to escape more punches from OJ. But as you know being with an abuser there is no doing right &/or you can not ever do it right or fast enough etc.
I won't go into my experiences with this but I will say that while I escaped being directly in the fire myself I watched my sister be spared truly by the Grace of God & walk away from it all. At the time it seemed like a horrible thing that she'd been left by her abuser but hind site is always 20/20. Her abuser left her because she wasn't as easy of a *victim* as he'd originally thought &/or she was just a kid when she sunk his claws into her. As she got a bit older he realized she had this iron will along with a sarcastic mouth that he would have had to truly beat & being the lazy *ss he was it was easier for him to move on to the next vulnerable 18 yr. old & get her pregnant too! I'll not retype all that as I did in the first post that was wiped out when I was just suddenly logged out & that was the jist of it. Prior to him leaving it was pretty horrific & of course his emotional abuse didn't stop after he left her & he used my nephew, money & anything he could to punish my sister for the *good life* she ended up with. Anyway the reason for her "Iron will" & smart mouth is because my sister like I had had a MOTHER & a FATHER who taught us what to expect in a marriage & what we should just not tolerate & so we'd be speaking out when an abuser wanted us to SHUT UP! Sister kept coming back for more & again exBIL was to lazy for the physical stuff.
Your husband is so *classic* I could read off all the things that are tell tale signs of an abuser & I don't even really know you.
1. They often like to marry quickly like after just "5 months of marriage"
2. You are correct in that Dr. Laura is WRONG because very often the ABUSER starts out as Dr Jyekle and he does not show the Mr. Hyde until he's ready to! Like see after a baby is born
another poster from that message board
"
"When I read his emails they made me melt. He was articulate and well versed, something I loved in a man. To make a long story short, for many months life was bliss. He was a gentleman, appeared to be responsible, kind and very generous. I wanted a responsible man, a man that did not lie, a man that can talk AND listen to a woman. I wanted a man that had a conscience, was REAL. I thought I saw this in him. Then it started..."
See they change when they're ready!
After it starts which for you was after your baby's birth (which by the way he figured you'd be less likely to leave because of a child &/or you're stuck with him either way the rest of your life) you're trying to "figure out why he is the way he is" because we think if we just do this like this or do that like that or love them more or "show unconditional love" he will turn around. You'll keep trying and those atrosities will continue to happend! Just because you THINK this is the worst does not mean it is & abuse goes in cycles & it could get MUCH worse! And yet another quote from a poster from that message board......
"My councillor said he was a psychopath and would not change. She said men like him keep her in work because of women like me, ahhh sad but true."
You are not really "husband & wife" and this is not really a marriage. This man is a verbal & emotional abuser *JUST LIKE KAREN's HUSBAND" It's not their fault any of it & it's always you or someone else that's to blame for everything & they don't see as there is any problem but for the problem of YOU! That is because both husbands have NPD and so I'll give 1 more quote from another poster from that message board.
"So, you've discovered NPD and you'd like to confront your abuser to 'help' them?
DO NOT EVEN THINK OF DOING THIS. DO NOT MEDDLE WITH THEIR DEFENCE MECHANISMS. YOUR LIFE COULD WELL BE IN DANGER.
Now learn why."
When people here are telling you and Karen to "Leave him, "Leave him it's like watching a horror movie where we can see the boogie man standing behind you even though you're not seeing him yet & he's about to GET YOU & we're all wanting you to GET AWAY & so we're trying to tell you to Run away, run away! God does not want you to stay with the devil in his name. And here are a few links for informational purposes and so you get an idea as to what is really happening with your husband. Oh & his problems had nothing to do with him not getting enough attention after your child was born that was just 1 of many things he had at his disposal to throw on you. I know you have a lot of things you don't do right thrown at you daily & I don't mean to dump on you more. I understand your feelings on marriage & I don't take marriage vows lightly either. But some things are a deal breaker & abuse is one of them honey! It's an abomination of your wedding vows & in reality it isn't a marriage your in. Please go talk to your clergy.
Some links for you
http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/
a small snipit from the previous page
"Because living with a narcissist can be extremely painful, it is important to understand
- You are not to blame
- Narcissists ensnare everyone
- Learning how to leave is important
- Rebuilding a life takes courage but you can do it
- There are plenty of people to help you, but it may not be your family or friends
- Information can be your ally to learn you are not alone"
http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/characteristics.html
http://www.couplescompany.com/Advice/Dating/2004/Narcissism.htm
a quote from this link
Narcissism refers to collection of personality/behavior disorders that if you discover it, just walk away. Narcissists cannot love like normal people, but they can sap all the love out of everyone around them and create a living nightmare for all within their reach.
http://survivorquotes.bravehost.com/Family.html
Just 1 quote from this site
"
"Makes me wonder if those of us raised in 'evil' or dysfunctional homes have lost that radar to spot Ns. Shortly after our marraige my N and I visited a couple, the female clearly spotted the N in him and promptly ended all contact between N and her new husband, I see now she had the radar that I didn't."
I have several other posts where I've included links to web sites on emotional abuse that are just invaluable and I recommend clicking on my name finding those posts & then just taking some time to read. For anyone else out there that finds these of help then my time here writing this was well spent. People please, please, please protect your babies they're depending on you!
(Original Air Date: 02/20/08) Dr. Phil takes on a couple whose story will shock you. Karen says she’s tired of being degraded and controlled by Rick, her husband of six years. She says he calls her “fat pig” and “fat whore,” criticizes her makeup, makes fat jokes and puts photos of nearly naked women on their computer and exercise machine to motivate her. Karen says if she tries to get close to him, he pushes her away and says, “Don’t even touch me until you’re under 200 pounds.” Rick says when he married Karen, she was within his standards, but now she definitely isn’t. He says he’s just trying to motivate his wife, but says it’s a good thing when they fight physically because it’s good exercise “when the beast wails her arms.” Karen says she puts up with the mental abuse because they have two children, and as crazy as it sounds, she still loves him. Is there a chance to salvage this relationship? Tell us what you think!
