Topic : 07/16 Bully Husband

then there should be a more equal sharing of the power between you.  As long as he has your paycheck he has all the power.  I will say it again take back your life .................

 

Karen I can only hope that you've started to redirect your paycheck from work into a seperate account that your husband does not have access to.  You should not be on "an allowance figured out by him" but in charge of your own money & having your check auto deposited into an acount & then be giving HIM money to help with bills etc.  You absolutely must take back some of your power here or this show will be over in what a week?  & then you'll be back to the same place.  Even though the show is just airing it's already taken place & so you should be feeling much better etc. & yet I thought your profile said you're stressed?  Please I'm like begging you to start insisting on certain things like a auto deposit to an account he does not have access to.  It's not hard to set it up & if you go into a boss or the person in charge of payroll they'll probably be able to help show you how it's done etc. if you need that kind of guidance.  Take back some of your life.......

 

If you want to stay to give a "2nd chance" that's fine but please at least set yourself up so that if your fear of it "going back to the way it was" comes true you are in a better place of power control............  If he is really changing or WANTING to he would not object......   a shift of power will not "ruin your family" but makeit stronger. 

 

Hi Moshe!  Haven't checked this particular board lately, so sorry for such a delayed response. 

I missed the follow up show (was on a much-needed vacation) but I have been reading the highlights of the show and the message boards. So come on over to the April  9 follow up board, and I will see you there!!!

Take care,

Julie

catfysh User Mood
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February 21, 2008, 7:12 am PST I know Rick from work and .....
and I saw the show last night. I am of course disgusted by the way he treats Karen. We all knew he was cruel to her but I doubt many of us knew how bad it was. I have always felt she deserved better then someone who would put her down. It's his wife for god's sake! I will however say that Rick is exactly what Dr.phil said...narcisstic/insecure. He is totally cocky one second and completely insecure and puts himself down the next. What I don't think he gets is balance in his behavior would help his struggles alot. I don't think he is proud of the way he treats her or his children in his bad moments, I do think he has no idea how to get over his "high standards". I believe his self-worth is completely linked to what people can see. Nice car, nice house, things, things, things. I am sure Karen becomes one of those things. I am in no way defending his behavior! I am just saying what I see on a daily basis. I met Rick's wife at a party and I didn't even know she was there for quite sometime...rick took forever to introduce her. I remember the ride home telling my b/f how much it bothered me that he seemed so indifferent to her. And how insecure he seemed behind all the smiling he did that night. Anyhow he says he is taking this seriously and is trying to change his ways and hopefully it is true. The women he works with are going to tear him apart. I know many are very angry with his lack of respect for her and always have been. I hope that Karen is going to get the help she needs to see that she doesn't have to put up with it. And know that she isn't the only one who has gone through something like this and made it out or through it. And Rick might get it finally that pushing someone down doesn't help them up. I hope the best for you both.

Hi Karen, this is Jennifer from Australia.  I've just seen the show and I just had to write to you.  We are a few months behind, so I'm sure alot of things have happened since.  However, I just want to say that you really need to leave this pig.  What a scumbag!  How dare he treat you like this!  You are a beautiful, kind lady, and life has so much more to offer you than this pig.  You are much prettier as a woman than he is as a man.  He is an ugly bastard!  Yuck.  But, the most ugliest part of him is his heart, his attitude and his personality.  He is repulsive.  So you've added a few pounds, well big deal!  You are still an attractive, stylish woman, much too good for that pig.  That man would be toxic for your children, especially for your daughter.  She would be much better off with a wonderful step-father.  I just personally think you need to get your life together, concentrate on yourself and your children.  Lose a bit of weight if you want to and make a life for you and your children.  You will need alot of healing after that pig has beaten you down so much.  I really recommend that you watch the film or read the book 'The Secret'.  It is life-changing. 

 

Karen, you are a wonderful woman with gorgeous children.  Life has so much more to offer you than this pig.  Run run run!  I hope you have left him.   Good luck.  Jennifer x

Hi Jennifer, this is tanya also from Australia lol. I guess the thing all of us are forgetting is that Karen probably feels that she still loves this piece of scum and while we all sit here shaking our heads and wanting to pull him through the tv and pull him limb from limb, Karen probably reads these posts and still defends him. Karen I have been where you were and i know how you suffer, how you feel so worthless and unattractive that you cant even being to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know how they control money and separate you from family and friends. I am not proud of how i got out of my marriage (I met another man while still with my husband) but i see the change in my children and regardless of how it happened it is the best thing i have ever done for my children. I am now much more confident and when i meet with his family now instead of being the doormat that agrees with everything they want i now put my children first and refuse to bow to pressure. Long live the new me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're welcome for the posts, you too, Karen I didn't get to see it, did I miss it?

Hello Karen

I'm in Australia and we haven't seen the follow-up show yet.  I hope things are getting better for you.

 

Your self-esteem is probably rock bottom after suffering years of ill treatment but as an objective viewer I immediately recognised your husband's apparent Narcissist Personality Disorder.  It was also obvious from the audience reactions of disbelief and horror to everything Rick said, that he has a serious problem.  Dr. Phil's help is first class but it will help you to read up on this disorder as unfortunately personality disorders are very resistant to treatment - the thinking and habits are very ingrained and acquired over a lifetime.  Your husband, as Dr Phil said, has very little insight and that is unlikely to change.  You will need help yourself to recover from the damage and emotional neglect and I really believe you and your children should be removed from this situation.  Remember that the home is the model situation that they learn from and they are being imprinted with behaviour that is neither  normal nor acceptable.  Girls especially tend to look for a future husband who is like their father - in your daughter's case that would be an utter disaster and I know you wouldn't wish that on her.

 

I hope that you have some support from family and friends and professionals who can help you to re-establish your independence and confidence.  You might like to read the books by Patricia Evans on verbal and emotional abuse.  She also has a website at www.verbalabuse.com

 

You are an intelligent and attractive woman and there are literally millions of men out there who would adore and cherish you.  If I were you I would cut my losses and not waste another minute of my life.  Remember that nothing can justify the way your husband has treated you.  No excuses.  Ever.

Thank you to the person from Australia!  I am so grateful to have a supporter out there.  We are still together.  It is a lot better environment to come home to.  He's treating me a lot better.  We are going through counseling and I have to at least give him a chance.  After all, he went on the show and looked like a total idiot; he is motivated and giving me all he's got!  That takes a lot in a man.  Thanks again!

 It was great to see your response to the writer from Aussie, You are a brave woman and a strong one, a weaker woman would have baled out long ago, I hope that you will get out at the first sign of any kind abuse to you or your daughter. People have been harsh largely because the Narcistic personality disordered person is difficult to treat and he will need treatment most likely for the rest of his life. "A lot better" leaves a lot to the imagination, is he treating you with dignity and respect all the time, has he explained to his daughter that he was wrong to abuse, denigrate her mother and her and that he is very sorry and will never do it again. Even though people may have seemed harsh and judgemental, please read their posts as some of them have walked in your shoes and they have healed their lives.
I send you love, Be strong, Do the right thing for your child and yourself.

Thank you so much for your response!  I enjoy reading all of these.