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Topic : 07/16 Bully Husband

Number of Replies: 1024
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Created on : Thursday, February 14, 2008, 03:51:34 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 02/20/08) Dr. Phil takes on a couple whose story will shock you. Karen says she’s tired of being degraded and controlled by Rick, her husband of six years. She says he calls her “fat pig” and “fat whore,” criticizes her makeup, makes fat jokes and puts photos of nearly naked women on their computer and exercise machine to motivate her. Karen says if she tries to get close to him, he pushes her away and says, “Don’t even touch me until you’re under 200 pounds.” Rick says when he married Karen, she was within his standards, but now she definitely isn’t. He says he’s just trying to motivate his wife, but says it’s a good thing when they fight physically because it’s good exercise “when the beast wails her arms.” Karen says she puts up with the mental abuse because they have two children, and as crazy as it sounds, she still loves him. Is there a chance to salvage this relationship? Tell us what you think!

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February 20, 2008, 5:30 pm PST

This Guy is a 'Pig'

I'm sorry, there's no other way to state it...............and WHO told him he was a bag of Chips WITH dip????

He needs to take a look at himself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Trust me, you are FAR from all that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
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February 20, 2008, 5:33 pm PST

02/20 Bully Husband

Karen take your kids and go as far away from this guy as you can.I recognized myself in you 15 years ago. You are to tired and sooo beaten down you hardly respond anymore.I was like that too. But for my kids sake i took the little bit of energy i had left in me and got out!!!!!. We are doing great now.I hope you will find the courage to get out and make sure he pays child support.If you think your children will be better of if you stay together please think again. The abuse cycle will start again with them and their partners and children because that is what they know and what is familiar to them.I truly hope you get some strenght from all the people that are writing you on this message board. They mean it!
 
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February 20, 2008, 5:35 pm PST

Karen you can do it

Karen take your kids and go as far away from this guy as you can.I recognized myself in you 15 years ago. You are to tired and sooo beaten down you hardly respond anymore.I was like that too. But for my kids sake i took the little bit of energy i had left in me and got out!!!!!. We are doing great now.I hope you will find the courage to get out and make sure he pays child support.If you think your children will be better of if you stay together please think again. The abuse cycle will start again with them and their partners and children because that is what they know and what is familiar to them.I truly hope you get some strenght from all the people that are writing you on this message board. They mean it!
 
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February 20, 2008, 5:37 pm PST

How kind of you to . . .

Quote From: juliebgg

Just from reading the preview..this woman needs to get a backbone and fast!!!!! Quite frankly, based on the descrition of what this guy has done and the put-down comments he makes, I'd have taken the kids and run for the hills a long time ago if I were Karen.  No one deserves to be called names for being overweight, and pointing to other women (attractive and skinny I'm sure!) and asking the kids if they want her for their new Mommy is unconscienable.   And whether he realizes it or not, he is not motivating his wife with his insults. He is making her miserable and she is probably turning to food to fill the huge void. And what message does this send to the kids?  Hope she has some extended family support she can count on, and that she gets herself and the kids out as soon as possible.
 How "kind" of you to begin your post by adding to the abuse he's already been dishing out.  Unless you've walked in someone else's shoes you don't know what has taken place over time or how.  You may recall Dr Phil did mention he had not always treated her this way.  It began after they were married & I wouldn't be surprised, based on experience, if it built up gradually over time.  Her "spine" has been gradually erroded, telling her to get one is counter productive. 

THINK about the mixture of abuse with head-games he likely played, insecuirity if she'll be able to make it financially, fear he'll tell lies in a custody fight custody, & religion (till death do you part . . ) with the impacts of abuse (see the list Dr. Phil showed - it's right on target) and MAYBE, just maybe you will have in inkling of how hard it is to get out of such hell. 

If, hopefully when, she leaves him she'll have one big advantage, his inability to know when/how to act charming.  My husband (we separated a few months ago) is a pro at keeping "it" behind closed doors & being very "loving" & charming in public.  Not only do people find it hard to believe he's emotionally abusive their shocked he hasn't touched me in private in nearly 8 years - around others he was all huggy, kissy, & complementary toward me.  In private he'd berate me, including all the reasons it was impossible for him to be attracted to me - including my god given natural scent & taste!  Before I finally left, he actually told me a number of times he only stayed b/c "it's cheaper to keep her"! 

You have no idea how deeply emotional abuse can impact people.   Watching the show increased the physical pain I endure everyday & triggered the IBS which had cleared up when we seperated.  During my marriage I went from being a sucessful executive to being unable to work b/c of chronic illnesses & pain.  I was able to stop 9 medications after leaving him.  My health still has a long way to go, but at least now, w/o the daily stress & fear, I know I'll be able to heal eventually.

If you're in an abusive relationship of any sort - GET OUT.  Your life & that of your children truely does depend on it.  If you can't afford therapy find a CODA group to attend.  CODA is Co-dependents Anonomous, a 12-step group that could help you heal.
 
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hopeful
February 20, 2008, 5:40 pm PST

Best message out all of them

Quote From: deb1ie11

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I hope karin gets this message. You could not be any clearer!!!
 

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February 20, 2008, 5:42 pm PST

This man is a poor excuse for a man

let alone a HUMAN being
 
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February 20, 2008, 5:42 pm PST

Thank you!

Quote From: flthomcat

KAREN,

 

From a formerly emotionally-abused child who watched my mother verbally abused for years, you MUST find the strength and courage to leave. You owe it to your children. Do not do it for yourself. Do it for your children.

 

My mother was unable to do it for my sister and me. She was worried she would not be able to feed and clothe us. The truth was that she was simply scared to stand on her own. The unknown was more scary thant what she was so used to...verbal abuse and threats of violence. What she never realized was the toll my father's abuse took on us girls. We carried all the baggage with us into our adult lives...unable to trust, unable to bond, unable to sustain relationships for a very long time.

 

I have made it (married 18 years to a great guy), but I am the exception. My sister married a man just like my father. Her marriage is a mess and she's miserable and verbally abused. Thankfully, she was not selfish enough to have her own children (thank God).

 

Karen, you do not have the RIGHT to subject your children to the abuse of your husband, even if it is aimed at you. They are learning how to be parents/women from you. They are learning how to pick husbands from you. They are learning how to handle a marriage from you. They are learning how to be unhappy and stressed and miserable from you. You have no right to teach them those lessons.

 

Pack your bags and go to a nearby shelter. It is better than staying where you are. If you have family, go there. If you have friends, go there. Teach your children that being mentally safe is better than being financially safe. Teach them that respecting yourself is better than putting up with abuse for the sake of having a roof over your head. Teach them that love does not hurt, even verbally.

 

Good luck to you. Pray. Reach out for help. Tell yourself you WILL survive because you WILL. You have to for your children. You can do this. All mothers can for their children and all mothers should for their children. It's the best gift you can give them. You owe them. You are their role model and they depend upon you.

 

God bless you, Karen. You are in my prayers tonight.

Thank you for this post.  Hopefully, you'll help many more than just Karen to escape to a mentally better, healthy life.  I was nearly you mother.  It took 14 years, but I finally got myself & my daughter out.
 
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February 20, 2008, 5:45 pm PST

02/20 Bully Husband

Dear Karen,

                For the sake and well being of your children you have to put him out ,to say your staying for the sake of your children is just wrong this world is full of those children that grew up in homes watching there mother being degraded and bullied and they went on to either become abusers or find partners that treat them badly you owe it to your children to get them as far away from that enviroment as you can,before its to late.One of my favourite quoats is ''The best thing any man can do for his children is to love there mother''Clearly that is not the case  for your children they need you to be a good roll model,you dont want your daughter to grow up to find someone that treats her the way you are being treated ,and dont make the mistake of thinking there young they wont remember they do .If you cant do it for yourself right now do it for your kids they dont deserve to be raised in a home where there mom is treated like dirt ,they deserve better ,you deserve better .kick that loser to the curb .

 
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February 20, 2008, 5:46 pm PST

02/20 Bully Husband

Quote From: housewife52

Good for you. And Karen also. And the kids. I'm so glad you're getting help and can see the err of your ways. Don't be ashamed, the shame would be in NOT changing. Good luck to you and your family.

Rick, if this is really you. 

I hope you have truly been awakened to yourself.  I do hope that you are taking the help that was offered to you seriously and embrace it fully.... you and your family will have a much more rewarding, fullfilling and happy life together if you do.

 

WORK HARD - first for YOU and second for Karen and you children!

 

Best of luck to you.

 
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February 20, 2008, 5:46 pm PST

read all the messages

Quote From: shahzadee4

My friend,

 

The resources are there. You just need to look for them. Call your local resource center, your local PD should be able to direct you.  I sit on the BOD for my local Womens Resource Center, and the support is 24 hours 7 days a week, confidential and free. So you just need to reach out.

 

You also said your stay with the abuser for your children. Now that you have read that yourself, does that make sense to you. That you would allow anyone like that to influence your children. Even if none of this took place in front of the children they know, the feel, and if your husband is the jerk you say he is, you have a responsibility to keep them from ever being exposed to his behavior.  You obviously watch Dr. Phil, and he often states from experience as do I.  A child would rather come from a broken home than be raised in one.  Do yourself and your children a favor and get them out of hell.

 

Let me know if you need help, you deserve better.

If you do that you will know what you have to do as soon as possible. Yes it is going to be hard and scary at first but please do NOT stay for the children's sake. Show them what a strong person you are and you teach them something they will use for the rest of their life's
 
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