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Topic : 07/16 Bully Husband

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Created on : Thursday, February 14, 2008, 03:51:34 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 02/20/08) Dr. Phil takes on a couple whose story will shock you. Karen says she’s tired of being degraded and controlled by Rick, her husband of six years. She says he calls her “fat pig” and “fat whore,” criticizes her makeup, makes fat jokes and puts photos of nearly naked women on their computer and exercise machine to motivate her. Karen says if she tries to get close to him, he pushes her away and says, “Don’t even touch me until you’re under 200 pounds.” Rick says when he married Karen, she was within his standards, but now she definitely isn’t. He says he’s just trying to motivate his wife, but says it’s a good thing when they fight physically because it’s good exercise “when the beast wails her arms.” Karen says she puts up with the mental abuse because they have two children, and as crazy as it sounds, she still loves him. Is there a chance to salvage this relationship? Tell us what you think!

Find out what happened on the show.
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punkinzlazy
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February 21, 2008, 8:10 am PST

I AM 3 MONTHS IN TO MY DIVORCE TOO

Quote From: elliat43

     Some will question why this woman hasn't left this marriage.  They will wonder why she's willing to accept the put downs, the lying, cheating and though he only push her a little, the physical abuse.  She knows that what he's doing is wrong.  She even knows that his actions not only hurt her, but her children as well.  So why does she stay?  She's hoping for what was.  The rationale side of her brain is saying get the heck out of here.  Her romantic side is trying to recapture the love, the joy the thrills they had at the begining of the relationship.  The rational and romantic sides may be overlaping at this time, but they will gradually pull apart.  One day she will be able to look at her situation and say I deserve better. 

 

     This woman has suffered greatly.  She may not have visible bruises, but she is bruised inside. She is scared of leaving.  I suspect she's wondering...If she is the problem...What's he going to do if I leave?.....Is he going to take the kids?  Can I survive without him?  Will he pay child support?  What about the house?  What about the bills? Where do I go from here?  I'm fat, I'm ugly...at least that's what I've been told over and over again by the one person who should love me the most, no one else is ever going to want me....I'm going to die a lonely old woman.... Maybe he'll change if I just hang in there.  I hate this marriage....I wish this was over.....

 

     I've been this woman for the past 10.7 years.  I'm not a weak individual.  I'm actually the manager of a staff of over 100.  I'm the bread winner...always have been.  Yet my husband convinced me that I wan't worthy of respect.  That I should accept his put downs, his cheating etc....after all, he did say sorry later, he just wanted me to love him more...he just wanted to get more of my attention.  10.4 years of marriage, three rounds of therapy trying to figure out what's preventing me from just walking away....what am I hanging on for.  Honestly, I was hoping he would see how miserable he made me feel and that he would change back to the man he was when we first met (in hindsight he probably never changed, I just hand love blinders on and couldn't see his faults)..... New page in life, the rational and romantic sides of my brain have now separated...good news for me....bad news for him....3 months into a divorce and life is getting better each day.  Still have a long way to go....still worried about becoming a cat woman in my later years, but at least I will be happy. 

     Counseling mixed with time is what she needs.  I can't wait to see the follow-up episode...I wonder who's going to be singing the blues then, I'm guessing the husband.

 

 

I felt horrible for Karen too because I am also 3 months into my divorce from my husband of 22 yrs. After finding out my husband had been cheating on me I was so traumatized that I said we had to go to counseling. Luckily we did. I say luckily because the psychiatrist we went to was is a wonderfully caring man who used to be the pastor of a church I attended several yrs ago.  After a couple of sessions together & some testing he began to see us separately. My husband was diagnosed as schizophrenic, ADHD, Depressed & I believe he has some bipolar issues too. Of course I was depressed & had been for years. Finally Like Karen I had someone (not as abruptly as Dr Phil) saying he has some serious problems too. My husband did not straight out call me names. He played mind games. I also realize now I was his caretaker/codependent. I was worn out mentally. I married him at 18 and had my son right away. I didn't know who I was without him. I had isolated my self and didn't talk to anyone about our problems. Everyone thought my husband was a great guy and we had the perfect marriage. I was tied to him in so many ways. He had us on the brink of bankruptcy at one point. Luckily we turned that around before the the big shock. We had our business together. Our son was in college. My family all live 12 hrs away. My mother died many yrs ago so I couldn't run home to mom. I felt stuck and scared to death. I was strong many yrs ago but I was beaten down. I thank god I had the doc to talk to. Some one to finally tell my story to. Some one who had the training and experience to help me come out of the fog. My eyes are wide open now. By being able to talk about it all I realized I didn't want to live like this any more. That I would be better off with out him. He is a Narcissist and didn't get it. The counseling didn't help him but it helped me tremendously. It took five months for me to come to that conclusion and tell him I wanted to separate. He moved out three months ago & I filed for divorce.  It was not easy. He got very mad & quit taking his medication. I have minimum contact with him now and am SO relieved I don't have to see him and put up with his craziness every day now. One day at a time I am finding who I am. I could see that Karen is also beaten down and afraid to go out on her own. She like myself just wanted things to get better. Unfortunately with a Narcissist they don't GET IT and maybe never will. She like Dr Phil said needs individual counseling & time to think through all that she has been through and is going to go through. She need supports from family and friends. It is doable Karen.
 
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judydavek

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February 21, 2008, 8:34 am PST

Undeserving pig

I also had to keep changing the channel. This was one of the most upsetting show that I have seen.

I just don't believe that Rick does want help or will change. I don't believe he has the right to be with Karen or to be aeound his kids. He has caused her so much emotional pain. I believe she should leave him and collect that child support that he is so worried about. It will take her along time to recover from what he has done to her. He is a pig, has he ever looked in the mirror?

Karen there are plenty of men out there that will treat you with respect. When the time comes. Surround yourself with friends & family. Start living, now! Please! Your marriage is long past saving, who would want to?

He does not deserve you or your children. I say run, kick him to the curb where he belongs. With the trash, that is what he is. He has to be pretty stupid to not know how he has treated you. I think he knows excatly what he's been doing to you.

He showed no shame. Don't waste time with him. You've been threw enough. It's time you start living your life for yourself & your kids.  Don't let him ruin your life anymore. Don't let him destry your kids.

Think about there future & your own.

 
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toniecw
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February 21, 2008, 8:40 am PST

good point! Mirrored images*

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

I think he LIKES her fat, that way, she wouldn't be attractive enough to leave him for someone else.  That's why he's so emotionally abusive, I think that he knows at some level that being abusive is going to drive her to eat more, and keep her fat and at home.  If she DID leave him, how many supermodels would he REALLY attract?  This is just a mirror of his own self dissatisfaction and he's not man enough to deal with his self esteem problems.  So he makes Karen deal with it, what a loser.

I have seen this type of behavior exhibited whereas the person doing the insulting/demeaning, degrading are actually the ones with the low self esteem problem themselves.

 

This is really a dysfunctional relationship that he is a having with himself and a bringing the family that he claims to love so much, into the mix...

 

I pray that the counseling that Dr. Phil is providing will help...who knows?, "One should never say never."

 

A bit of spiritual support wouldn't hurt them both as well...anytime God is brought into the mix, miracles do happen.

 

Those are my thoughts

May You All Be Blessed

Love, Light and Peace

Tonie
 
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lvacffeshp
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February 21, 2008, 8:40 am PST

02/20 Bully Husband

Quote From: ramair

Rick has gained weight since the wedding, too. He weighs 270. And, his BMI is two points higher than Karen's. I agree that Karen will probably lose weight if she'll leave Rick. With him, and his junk food, out of the house, she can set up the no fail environment Dr Phil recommends for lasting weight loss.

You know I think one thing about Men is that they have this INNATE PERSONAL PREFERENCE for how a woman should look.  Every man is different, but I think with men looks is a priority....  I don't think any amount of counselling can change that in a guy.  Some guys like blond hair and blues eyes.  Some guys prefer dark hair dark eye girls or whatever the preference.  I repeat I don't think any amount of counselling can change that in a guy causing a woman who doesn't fit those specifications to feel rejection and alot of emotional pain OF WHICH SHE COULD BE CONSTRUCTIVELY PUTTING THAT ENERGY in a possitive way rather than negatively always having to be on the defense.

 

Some men prefer overweight women.  My Dad is one of them.  My Mom was overweight since the day I was born and never lost the weight.  It never changed the relationship, nor their sex life.  They are now 69 yrs and 67 yrs and still have this ridiculously steamy sex life that we are aware of... and at this point raise our eyebrow and say:  "ewwww".... but more power to them...... THEY ARE OUT THERE KAREN and when RICK tries to tell you no one wants you.... you remember my parents....  My Mom has a very pretty face and probably looks 50 or so, but she probably weighs close to 250 lbs if I guessed...?????
 
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toniecw
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February 21, 2008, 8:49 am PST

I remember the first time I realized I was inadequate for my husband

Quote From: notanymore

Having been there . . . she may not of been trying to keep her composure.  Emotions can get so beaten down they stop working or go completely numb.  All I had left was survival instinct when I finally got away.

I was in my last trimester of pregnancy with my first born son.  My husband didn't have a good paying job and all of my clothes came from yard sales or second hand shops.

 

We were at the beach and I couldn't afford a pregnancy bathing suit and was dressed in a short larger than me and a pair of shorts that were too large as well.

 

Along came another couple that went with us to the beach...the sister in law of my sister in law...she had on a two piece bikini...as she strode by us...my husband openly remarked, "check the size of those knockers!!, wow, if I knew back when we got married, what I know now...." 

 

I never forgot those words...even today, I can hear them quite vividly...I at that time...took them words inside of myself...and three years later, after having had enough of the verbal, physical, mental, adulterous behavior...I left him and took our two sons to raise on my own...

 

Sometimes, it takes some people a little longer to react to the stunning abuse...and then realize, "oh my God, I am not  alone in this picture, I have two sons that may find this type of behavior of their dad, the norm..."

 

I will be a praying for this family...

May You Be Blessed

Love, Light and Peace

Tonie
 
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mommachewy
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February 21, 2008, 8:54 am PST

Low self esteem equals abuse???

What most of these relationships boil down to is the fact that there are so many women out there with crippling low self esteem. If this wasn,t the case would you see so many women in such crazy relationships? Why would any self respecting woman or man put up with such ugliness? I use to live in such a relationship years ago and it only took me getting out of it to make me see how a truly loving man treats his wife or girlfriend. Now, no one could ever treat me that way again! I have too much self esteem. This is what these losers look for. Someone who has so little self esteem that he can belittle  them to the point that he becomes the master and she the slave. Get a backbone girls!! It,s time to learn that these types do not rule you. Get the hell out now!!!!!!!
 
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uncommon
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February 21, 2008, 9:10 am PST

no respect

It is hard to believe that today's women still have not gotten the message.  They do not have to take any kind of abuse from anybody especially their husbands.  It is hard to believe, that Karen professes to still love Rick in spite of all the verbal abuse.  How can any person love someone who continually calls them names.  She should make him leave and find someone who likes being treated like a door mat.  Obliviously, Rick has issues of his own.  He certainly is no prize in the looks/weight arena.  Karen, dump the dummy and find yourself.   This is no way to teach your daughter how women are to be treated.  You have to set the example. Stand up to the rat and find a good lawyer.  Get out now before it is to late. 
 
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grannykay
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February 21, 2008, 9:24 am PST

The kids will suffer

Quote From: michiganderres

Not impossible.  What Karen needs is a husband who loves her no matter what.  I know Karen personally and I won't reveal too much, but she is a wonderful wife to this IDIOT!  She does not deserve his treatment.  She's putting up with it just for the kid's sake, which I feel to be for the wrong reason.  If they grow up to witness this treatment throughout their lives, they too will inherit the disease, which is not fair to them.

 

 If there are any single, decent, honest, not necessarilty good looking men out there who needs a nurturing wife, she is the one!  Her kids are so well mannered and adorable, it would be hard not to love them.  Even if not your own.  Believe me, there is some lonely man out there that would appreciate the kind of life that she can give.  She needs a rescue!

I believe my narcissistic husband was damaged in childhood. Because of the era in which he was raised 60 years ago, he lacked the love and attention that his father was unable to give him. His sisters were shown all kinds of affection, but don't make a boy a sissy by showing him the same thing. My husband was never able to love a wife because he was not taught how to. He became a self preservationist. He watched out for number one. He was going to control who he was going to love. I agree with Dr. Phil that it is about his insecurities and self worth. The grandiose of how important they think they are. The children need to be in a healthy relationship. Staying with this man is going to damage them forever. She would be better off single and then maybe she could meet a good man some day. My ex has had 6 or more marriages and relationships and the failure was all the woman's fault. Never his. Karen run for the hills.
 
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grannykay
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February 21, 2008, 9:39 am PST

What could have been

Quote From: punkinzlazy

I felt horrible for Karen too because I am also 3 months into my divorce from my husband of 22 yrs. After finding out my husband had been cheating on me I was so traumatized that I said we had to go to counseling. Luckily we did. I say luckily because the psychiatrist we went to was is a wonderfully caring man who used to be the pastor of a church I attended several yrs ago.  After a couple of sessions together & some testing he began to see us separately. My husband was diagnosed as schizophrenic, ADHD, Depressed & I believe he has some bipolar issues too. Of course I was depressed & had been for years. Finally Like Karen I had someone (not as abruptly as Dr Phil) saying he has some serious problems too. My husband did not straight out call me names. He played mind games. I also realize now I was his caretaker/codependent. I was worn out mentally. I married him at 18 and had my son right away. I didn't know who I was without him. I had isolated my self and didn't talk to anyone about our problems. Everyone thought my husband was a great guy and we had the perfect marriage. I was tied to him in so many ways. He had us on the brink of bankruptcy at one point. Luckily we turned that around before the the big shock. We had our business together. Our son was in college. My family all live 12 hrs away. My mother died many yrs ago so I couldn't run home to mom. I felt stuck and scared to death. I was strong many yrs ago but I was beaten down. I thank god I had the doc to talk to. Some one to finally tell my story to. Some one who had the training and experience to help me come out of the fog. My eyes are wide open now. By being able to talk about it all I realized I didn't want to live like this any more. That I would be better off with out him. He is a Narcissist and didn't get it. The counseling didn't help him but it helped me tremendously. It took five months for me to come to that conclusion and tell him I wanted to separate. He moved out three months ago & I filed for divorce.  It was not easy. He got very mad & quit taking his medication. I have minimum contact with him now and am SO relieved I don't have to see him and put up with his craziness every day now. One day at a time I am finding who I am. I could see that Karen is also beaten down and afraid to go out on her own. She like myself just wanted things to get better. Unfortunately with a Narcissist they don't GET IT and maybe never will. She like Dr Phil said needs individual counseling & time to think through all that she has been through and is going to go through. She need supports from family and friends. It is doable Karen.

My dating period with my ex was wonderful. I thought I had found my dream mate. He was everything and more that I wanted in a Husband.
Now I am not a kid. Over 55 and thought I had common sense. But he swept me off my feet.
Five months later we were married. The first signs of dysfunction started the first month. By the end of our first year I knew we were in trouble. I hung in there for 5 more years trying to get back the man that I dated. Mr wonderful. But now I realize that was all a fantasy. Not real. The true man was the one that appeared after the wedding. A narcissist puts all of their energy into the courtship. They will be whatever you want them to be. Then after they let down their guard and you see the true person, what a shock for me. I was confused and was questioning what I had missed during the dating. Later because of the commitment that most women have when they take their marriage vows you keep working on it long after it is over. You can't fix a NPD. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not fixed with medication. It is a pattern of their life. They are very functional away from the home. They do not want the outside world to see any flaws. They go to great length to hide it. My ex warned me about disrespecting him in public. If I did there would be hell to pay. I never did and when the separation came people were shocked. They had no idea.
Karen need to protect her kids and run for the nearest exit. Good Luck.
 
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angelsstar912
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February 21, 2008, 9:58 am PST

WAKE UP

I think she needs to wake up.  She should of taking the opportunity on the show to tell him how she felt and all she did was sit there. When i was watching the show I wanted to go into the TV and smack the crap out of him. How can you say anything about your wife being to heavy ,or any body else when you are heavy yourself.I felt so bad for her the way he put her down over and over again.  I don't think anyone should take abuse like that ever . I  hope she gets all the help she needs for her and her children because father or not there is no excuse for the way he is treating them all.
 
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