Topic : 07/16 Bully Husband

Yes, I absolutely WAS trying to empower her...perhaps the wording was not the best, but I am behind Karen 100%.  If you read my many postings on here, they are all in support of her.  I hope she and her children will find the happiness they deserve.

Hi again

I'd like to add to my last post to you that I wish YOU all the best too.  You are right that support goes a long long way.  I know what you mean about the hen-pecking.  Even on the boards things can get rough!  Would be nice if people could share their views without picking at (or pecking at!) each other. Best of luck to you and have a good day, Julie

Having survived an emotionally abusive relationship that eventually became physical, I can feel Karen's pain. Getting out is not that easy. I knew that I had to get out but I didn't know how, what would happen with our house, etc. I also knew that no matter how I tried to get out or what I tried to do to get out, it wasn't going to end well. Most abusers/controllers don't like losing their control i.e., their spouse. When I told my ex that I was going to stay with my brother for a few days because we needed a break, he literally tried to choke me to death and beat me up. He still to this day refuses to acknowledge that he did anything wrong and thinks that I am the one who was wrong and should apologize to him for what I put him through with the divorce. Abusers never change. I am now HAPPILY re-married to a wonderful man that I dated when I graduated high school. I didn't realize that marriage was supposed to be this happy and this enjoyable until now.  So, getting out isn't easy but it can be done. But it should be done cautiously. Alot of women who try to get out, don't - their abusers wind up killing them or seriously harming them.

I have dated this guy and it is all about him not you!!!!!!!!!!!  No one would even look at him sideways because  he is so unattractive so he puts you down.  Your daughter would be better off without him! If my husband EVER said the things to my daughter that he says to yours I would be gone. I don't care if we have to live under a bridge this is affecting her more than you. Her Self esteem is shot at 4 years old how sad. I have been anorexic and bulimic for 27 years you do not want this life for your daughter but if you stay with him that is where you are headed. She will sleep with anyone who says she's pretty in high school and feel inadequate with all men and never feel good about herself. I know this because I have been there. If you stay with him as he is you will do nothing but hurt her. I am so scared for your kids!!!!!

There are probably  hundreds of guys that would line up to treat  Karen and her kids  the way they deserve to be treated but this guy never will stand up to the plate.  That is mission impossible.  Anyone that would do this much damage to his family doesn't deserve any help or compassion from the rest of us. He is one of the creepiest sorriest excuses for a man I have ever seen. He thinks he is well bred and that his wife comes from inferior stock. He has no breeding whatsoever and I wonder how she hooked up with him in the first place.  He wants the woman he married!!  That can't happen because he drove the woman he married into the ground and is still grinding at what is left of her.  I am overweight as well but I am married to an extremely good looking athletic man who loves me no matter what my weight is. He is well bred, intelligent, educated and everything that this jerk is not.  Karen there are a lot of men like this out there that will build you up not take you down.  Lose the 300 LB weight that is your sorry excuse for a husband and that is all the weight you need to lose for now.  Be good to yourself and your kids and know that you are a very desirable woman. When you are comfortable with that I am sure the rest will come off in due course if you want it to. Leave the creep in your dust and he can put the picutures of the skinny half naked women on his computer and exercise machine (still shiny and new I'm betting) because that is as close as he will ever get to a quality woman. Leave him as he can't be fixed. Put your energy into yourself where it will do some good. 

I wish you the best.

Sounds like this egoistical, chauvinistic "guy" will only be happy if he had a "Stepford" wife.  This guy needs to get over himself.  I personally would love to slap him.  Karen, what are you thinking?  Get out.  The kids will adjust. 

HE wants to ditch Karen and the kids, he's just waiting for the right time to do it.

Rick kinda reminds me of those fat, ex-high school jocks that are still  holding on to their glory after they leave high school, and they expect their wives to look like the perky cheerleaders they dated back then. i guess having a thinner wife makes him feel more masculine and strong, like he can brag to all of his buddies that HIS wife looks way better than theirs. And he was probably was spoiled by his parents when he was growing up.

By her not losing weight for him. Even if she looked like VIctoria Beckham, he'd probably ditch for another woman.

moshetove  I do understand having defenses up because you'd been through so much.   And I hope I say this right because being online &/or reading words rather than hearing them there's no tone & I think taking words not as they are intended or misunderstanding is easy.  While I esacped the boyfriend years ago who was the narcissist I do understand how the "chipping away" of a person is done!  It's very subtle and people just don't realize partiuclarly the person it is DONE to........  For me this was years ago & I've been happily married for years but after I escaped the ex-bf I was still left with the "Am I really dressing 'trampy' like he said I was?"  & it was *I* who was nerotic about ANYTHING I did wondering if it was "the wrong thing".   You know when there isn't anything that you do that they don't nit pick apart even the smallest thing like how you wear your hair..........  So when my husband came along as someone I was dating at the time I'd be asking about EVERYTHING for his opinion like  "Do you think this is cut too low? or "Are the pants too tight"?  This went on for some time whenmy now hubby sat me down & said "why is it that you are always thinking so negatively about the clothes you're wearing?"  And so some of these comments made to me came out to him.   Hubby explained to me & this is the first time I'd hear why a person "uses nasty negative comments to control you.  Look at you, you're a beautiful woman woman who has heads turning when you walk in a room.  Knowing he's not good enough FOR YOU & affraid others will try to steal you he'll tell you you're dressing like a tramp until you're wearing A BIG OLE SACK to try to hide your body!" 

 

You see we normal people do not think like this & so it does not occur to us the motives behind these insecure manipulative narcissistic manics..........  It took a LONG time to undo the damage that man had done to me in just the 1 & 1/2 yrs. I'd dated him.   Of course hind site is 20/20 & now these days we all know so much more.   Anyway the reason I recall all of this is because I DO understand how this all comes about.  And the idea of a man getting awoman sucked in quick & then her having a child with him makes them more likely to feel stuck & get deeper & deeper "stuck".  It's very sad.  But now I do understand the bewildered thought of "why would he act this way"?  Why would he wait until we're in FRONT of people to tell me how my dress looks like I'm a street walker?"  How humiliating!  Later it would be hubby who would point out "well that's because YOU didn't realize it but you probably caught the eye of some man because you naturally turned a head.  This is a threat to your old bf & so for him to cut off that guy & make sure next time you've got your head lowered he'll cut you down".  We went around & around with this.. took a LONG time to undo it.  Anway so if someone were to say something to me at the time that something I was wearing was a "little racey" it might not initially make me think "he was right" but the thought "it's trampy" would pop right back to me.  So now that guy didn't even have to be around for me to have this thought of not just the outfit but *ME*.  I was wearing trampy clothing because that must mean I LIKE looking trampy" & that was what he use to imply mean while if someone was saying that to me that's not what they meant.  Some times we don't know what something is REALLY gonna look like until we up it on it's not that we said "ah hah this looks trashy & is perfect for me".  :)  you see?  Mean while the person who's giving their opinion on a say blouse is telling you to do a favor not to knock you down.

 

Anyway I do understand and then I also understand the flip side because watching someone being sucked in by these people is a difficult thing.   It's upsetting when you see this horrible story that's unfolding before your eyes & you want to pull the woman out for her or be her strenght  etc.  and in reality we can't.  Someone else here said and she is correct that when a woman leaves because it's physical & she knows things aren't right etc.  when she leaves & makes the break she is in great danger.  People often want to thing "I'd be out of there" & as the person we are in our lives now we would be but she who is the abuse victim isn't where we are they've more than likely been emotionally abused FIRST & they ARE stuck in a place that escaping from is dangerous.  But when it's prior to that stage or even during that stage we want to reach in & pull them out & we want to "Undo the emotional damage" that the abuser did so this victim can see "what is real".........  It took a LONG time just for that small amount of abuse (I thought of it at the time as brainwashing)  I'd had done to me to be undone & so knowing that it's like I want to be able to snap my fingers & make this poor brainwashed woman SEE.  It's upsetting & frustrating because I know it's going to really take a long time for her to REALLY SEE.  Even if she knows things aren't right for her to get the big picture will take a long time.  When you're on the outside it's not easy to understand this.  I think at one point my hubby got really frustrated with me because that sort of lingered for a really long time on me &/or it went away gradual so that it would be years later & there would still be see on occassion.....  And it's upsetting to think that someone could have said or done something so harmful to someone it's that distructive & painful..... 

 

We ARE all women & in some ways even with women I'm arguing with I think of other women as sisters in a way.  I don't always get along with my blood sister & yet she's still my sister & when push comes to shove we've got each others back you know?  And so when I see this kind of damage to a "sister" it's upsetting & I DO CARE!  And wanting to get them away I'll try what ever angle to "get them to see".  Knowing what I do I have been known myself to try to "shake the woman" awake, because I know she's not just there taking it but often believing it & needs a GOOD SHAKE to see none of that is true & he's just full of crap.........  And yes as I'm doing it the fear is loosing the person because they're so damaged you know?  The intent is still good & in a way trying to reach someone who'd just been shut down.   They say there's a "reason for every thing in our life" & I've often wondered why that jerky jerky guy years ago was brought into mine & then I think of all the people I've chatted with in 3d & online who'd been abused & I think maybe it was so I really would "understand'? 

 

I think most women want to help empower each other even when we're taking a "shake her to wake her" approach.  And of course then there are some who are just trying to comfort themself.  I don't know if you'd seen the episode of Oprah with the woman who had "escaped her abusive husband" who had admitted that she use to sit on the message boards at Oprah when her situation was "just emotional abuse" & she'd be judging other women saying "well I would just leave him if he was physically abusing me" etc. etc.  The womans life turned into such a *nightmare* and the pain she had to endure was *beyond comprehension*!   People are in all kinds of pain & so for the ones who are a "little too harsh here" try to keep in mind we've no idea what is their real situation and they're pain may just be coming out on the page.  I know that doesn't help when it's the scar of your old wound that's being reopened or has you senesitive to the pain but if it's some thing I've said  then it might be something that pops to your mind too. 

 

ok wrote a book again & I'm sorry but yes this is a subject I'm passionate about too............ :) 

what a sorry excuse for a human being this husband is.    Dr. Phil, you should have given him what for, you were too kind to him. I fail to understand how Karen could possibly love this self righteous prat. Let him go Karen , your wasting time with him, when your knight in shining armor is probably polishing up his shield ready to find you.