Topic : 07/16 Bully Husband

I don't know how many of you have lived in this kind of situation, but if you ever had, you would know that it isn't so easy to just walk away.....Kids or no kids!!!!  You loose all self esteem, because you are belittled so often.  You doubt your every move, and you HONESTLY start believing the things that he tells you about yourself that you would have never believed before.  I lived with a husband that talked to me like I was this horrible creature, but before we were married I was the greatest thing since sliced bread.  On our honeymoon, he told me that I needed to loose weight.  I am 5'5" and at the time I weighed 120 pounds.  For my height and bone structure, that was too small.  I was sunk in on my chest and my face looked years older because there was no meat on my bones.  The more he told me this the more I believed him, and like this lady, I would go into another room to eat because I was afraid that he would see me eat something.  I finally got up enough nerve to leave him, but that was two years and a baby later.  I had become bulimic, and it took me ten  years to finally get control of that.  I am now married to a wonderful man, that my ex-husband told me I would never find, and my daughter is very healthy and happy.  You can't judge this woman for staying with someone, because she's endured it for so long, she actually believes it.

I wish I could tell this poor woman to read the book "Malignant self Love" Its about Narcissism, and Dr. Phil sorta hit on it in the show, but he didn't tell her that there is no cure, and he is the same sorry sap he is and will be forever.  I never realized until lately what NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) which stems from childhood, which it sounds like he had.  I am not a trained psychologist but I lived with one for 23 years and I know the signs.  I wish Dr. Phil would learn more about this and the effect it has on the spouce (Not that men are the only ones with NPD) but he need a whole show on this to educate the public on this disorder.  The effects this has on women (and or men) and how it lowers them to the same catagory this woman felt.  It put tears in my eyes and I wish I had the chance to be there to tell her and DR. Phil that she does need help, but she should run away and take her children as far away from him as she can so her children don't learn to treat someone the same way he did.  Its not fair to them, and she is hurting her children by not putting them through this abuse.  No amount of weight or no Miss America body will ever change this "so called man"  Her only hope is to run and run fast.

Sorry to be blunt, but its the truth. 

To Karen:

If you stay in this relationship, even if he tries to stop this behavior through therapy.

One day you WILL wake up and hate him for what he did to your children (and you)    But :

Do you know the opposite of love?   Its not hate - its apathy!

I learned that in 4th yr Psychology classes in college.

Someone who has been there - set enough limits on my abuser to stop the behavior.

Lost weight, look good, have a very decent career now and I am self-supporting.

And now is fairly apathedtic towards my abuser.

To Karen:

If you stay in this relationship, even if he tries to stop this behavior through therapy.

One day you WILL wake up and hate him for what he did to your children (and you)    But :

Do you know the opposite of love?   Its not hate - its apathy!

I learned that in 4th yr Psychology classes in college.

One day you wake up and are apathetic towards this man you call a husband.

To Karens husband:

You are an amazing study in what not to be as a man.   Even if Dr. Phil's Therapist's are able to STOP your insanity -  you have done permanant damage to your family,  the very people you should love most.

I can't believe you found a woman desperate enough to want to have an affair with you.

You exposed yourself on national TV  -  lets see how many woman line up in your queue now!

Way beyond Naraccistic Personality Disorder (NPD), is a Bully Husband.

It is someone who is Verbally Abusive and all Physical Abuse is preceeded by Verbal Abuse.

The Lesson for Karen:

There are Basic Rights in Relationships.

1)  Right to goodwill from the other

2)  Right to emotional support (you have none from this jerk)

3)  Right to be heard by another and be response to with courtesy

4)  The right to live free of criticisms and judgements (over your weight or implied criticism of see that woman she could be your mother).

5)  The right to be called by NO NAME that devalues you!

6)  The right to be respected NOT ORDERED.    

Karen, you recognize the abuse, whether it be emotional, physical or any other type and it shocks you to your core.  This man needs to recognize what ABUSE means - he doesn't.

Julie -

I highly recommend the book, "Odd Girl Out - The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls" by Rachel Simmons (Harcourt, Inc. 2002).  It really opened my eyes.

I wonder where bully husband gets the idea that he's God's gift. He should be buying his own exercise equipment, and getting a face makeover.

I didn't see the show, but what I see from his picture he could certainly use some physical improvements.

I'm betting his wife can do better than him.