Topic : 06/05 Family Court Battles

Your situation is different than the situation on the show. All Rita could talk about was her rights. I agree that grandparents have a lot to offer grandchildren. MY parents and in-laws were wonderful grandparents and my children spent time with them and loved them dearly. I honestly don't see how Rita's grandson would benefit from spending time with her. Did you see her comment at the very end of the show.(after the taping) She is only interested in getting her way.

There is one comment I will make about grandparents who have been very involved with thier grandchildren at one time or another. My MIL was very involved with one of her son's children when the grandson was a baby and for several years after. Her son had divorced his wife and had custody of the grandson and lived with his parents so that my MIL babysat the grandson for several years and became very attached to him. I have to believe she felt more like his mother than his grandmother.

Then my brother-in-law met and married a good woman and they began to raise the grandson together. My MIL was not able to step back and allow them to move forward because she had gotten attached to the child. You just have to take my word for it, the new wife was and is a good woman and did everything in her power to be a good step-mother. I feel that at that point my MIL should have stepped aside and realized that she had helped her son when he needed it and it was time to let go. Let me say, my late MIL was also a good woman. But she was blinded by her feelings for her grandson and interfered a lot of times that she shouldn't have interfered. It caused it great many problems that could have been prevented if my Mil had been able to let go.

Really, in the very beginning my brother-in-law should never have moved back home with his son. If he had stayed out on his own, then my MIL could have functioned more in the capacity of a granny than a mother. But my BIL was very young at the time and didn't have much money and depended on his parents to help him.

SADLY anxious to see this show.

I shall give my UNPOPULAR personal opinion...

No woman can lead a fully normal, happy life when she is at war with her mother. There is something UNNATURAL about a mother/daughter not being bonded together. When the bond is broken or cracked, life for both the mother and daughter is not good. They may pretend it's good, but it's really not. Mothers and daughters, by nature and by God, were meant to be soulmates. They were meant to be close.

As for the show, how PATHETIC that two ADULTS have ALLOWED their lives to DETERIORATE to this and how PATHETIC that they've allowed an innocent child to suffer. And he IS suffering, regardless of what he says (or they say).

They are obviously BOTH selfish, cruel, immature, irresponsible and PATHETIC human beings!

I just finished watching the Show from Thursday (which I taped) and THEY ARE BOTH CRAZY.  I am familiar with the verbal abuse a daughter can inflict on a parent, because I am on the receiving end of that, and I have confronted my daughter with my concerns about her abuse of the children in a "safe environment" at a Therapy Session.  She took that as a verbal attack - NOT MEANT THAT WAY AT ALL.  I was concerned for the safety of my grandchildren and about how my daughter's anger was playing a huge part in it.  Of course, my daughter took that as a personal affront against her.  It was NOT meant to hurt her, but to help her realize how she is harming not only herself, but mostly her children.

I am in a SLIGHTLY similar situation with my daughter not allowing me to see my grandchildren.  However, there are MANY differences between the people on the show and my situation.  Granted my daughter has her issues with me, which go back many years, but they have NOTHING to do with the children.  In the last 2 years, since my daughter set a boundary that I should not tell her how to raise her children, I have said NOTHING AT ALL.  I have bitten my tongue and stuffed my feelings and even allowed myself to be verbally and emotionally abused by my daughter JUST SO I COULD SEE THE CHILDREN (which I, obviously know has contributed to the way my daughter has treated me).  I respected the boundary she set and never crossed the line I think that was my biggest mistake.

The Dr. Phil Show called and asked me, my friend, my daughter and her entire family to be ON THIS SHOW and my daughter flatly refused.  She knew that the abuse issues would come out and Im sure there were other reasons (which she told my friend regarding HER previous drug history), which SHE though I would bring out.  Honestly, the thought of her PAST never even entered my mind.  My main concern was, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, the safety of the children and my being able to see them.  I am not even the person that called CPS yet she still blames me and actually, I also blame myself for NOT reporting it sooner than this other person.  I admit that it was selfish on my part that I was trying to hold onto any small scraps my daughter would throw me regarding the couple of times that she did allow me to see the children at my friends house but that is now COMPLETELY over no chance of that happening again, at least not in the foreseeable future.

I HAVE NEVER SAID A SINGLE WORD TO EITHER OF MY GRANDCHILDREN ABOUT THE SITUATION OR THEIR PARENTS.  Yet my granddaughter came to me one day and said, My mommy sometimes calls you funny names.  I said, What are your talking about?  She said, Mommy calls you stupid and an idiot.  I responded with, You know it is not nice to call people names. and DROPPED THE SUBJECT and never brought it up again.  Unlike Koal (the 13 year old involved with the show) my grandchildren were always THRILLED to see me.  The problem is between my daughter and me, and the children should NOT be put in the middle.  Yet my daughter uses them as a pawn to punish me by denying me visitation because she knows that it all she has to make me angry and punish me.

I dont know if I ever posted the dialog below in an earlier diary entry or not, but my granddaughter had a conversation with my friend who was having them over so I could see them back in October and what my granddaughter said was just so precious and came from the heart that I would like everyone to read what my friend wrote in duplication of their discussion.  We were going to have an early birthday party for my granddaughter because my daughter refused to have me over to the house because she has trashed me so much to everyone that she would have been too embarrassed to actually invite me.  She also had my granddaughter call me and say, Bubbie you are not invited to my party.  Then about a month later my granddaughter asked, Why are you not invited to our parties?  I told her, Sometimes moms and their daughters disagree on things and hopefully soon I will be invited.  My granddaughter replied with, Okay, Bubbie, I hope so too.

Well, the discussion at my friends house went as follows:

(My friend is R, my granddaughter is S, and my grandson is E obviously I am Bubbie) My granddaughter turned 7 in October and my grandson will be 5 in July.

This took place on October 7, 2007 at my friend Rs house:

S:  When can we have my birthday party?

R:  Oh, not til Bubbie gets here.

S:  Bubbie?  My Bubbie?

R:  Yes, honey.

S:  Oh my God, catch me, Im going to faint! (so dramatic)

R:  Why are you going to faint sweetheart?

S:  Because I love my Bubbie SO MUCH!

R:  Didnt you know she was coming for our Birthday Party for you?

S:  Oh my God, catch me again, Im really gonna faint!

R:  (I catch her as she pretends to faint)

S:  (Runs downstairs and yells, E, BUBBIES COMING!

E:  (E Exclaims) BUBBIE, YEAH!

S:   I am so excited, when will she get here?

R:  Soon sweetheart, just a few minutes!

When R called me to tell me the story I just burst into tears knowing how excited they were to see me (as I was on the road to her house to meet with the children).  I pulled up in Rs driveway and as soon as I got out of the car "S" came around to surprise me.  HOW ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS.

Now I must ask you, how is it fair that just because my daughter is angry at me that she can punish these children and deprive them of their grandmother and continue to use them as a pawn to keep us apart when the children are so obviously thrilled to see me.  IT IS JUST WRONG. 

There is much more to the story.  My daughter is CURRENTLY UNDER INVESTIGATION BY CPS FOR ABUSING THE CHILDREN.  My daughter has openly admitted to me and my friend that she hates her daughter" and she even ASKED me to write to Dr. Phil to get her help with that issue.  Now she is blaming me for writing to him IT WAS HER IDEA TO BEGIN WITH AND HER REQUEST.

Because of the abuse issues, I had even emailed Dr. Phil a picture of the lock on my grandsons bedroom door where my daughter locks him in his room every night.  My daughter and son-in-law sleep on the other side of the house and if there was an emergency (FIRE) or even if he were sick, he could not reach them to get help and would probably die in a fire.  There are two gates up in the doorway to the kitchen cutting the children off from reaching their parents.  It is if they are in prison and confined to only 2 rooms of the house.  HOW WRONG IS THIS? 

Whether or not my daughter decides she wishes to repair our relationship has nothing to do with the children.  She could still drop them at my friends house and allow them to see me (their Bubbie that they love so dearly).  Yet, my daughter still uses that to punish me for her own anger and REFUSES to take help each time it is offered.  She CLAIMS that she cannot find the proper psychological help, yet when she is told where she can get the proper help, she does nothing about it.  HERE WAS HER OPPORTUNITY TO GET THE ULTIMATE HELP FROM DR. PHIL FOR FREE NO LESS AND STILL SHE REFUSED.  Most likely because she would have been ashamed at the confrontation of how she treats the children. 

But the dialog above is a clear and true accounting of the childrens love for me, and their desire to see me.  There is NOTHING that I can do.  I have no grandparents right in my State YET.  I am going to contact my Councilman to see if there is any prospect of changing the laws.  I know it has been proposed, but as yet nothing has changed.

I just pray that at some point something happens and my daughter matures enough to realize that all she is doing is writing her own future.  When the children are old enough my granddaughter will feel all the animosity from my daughter and will probably do to her what she is doing to me.  HOW SAD.  In a way I feel bad for my daughter, that she doesnt even realize what she is doing.

I will continue to send them cards (as I did for Valentines Day), but I DO NOT drive by their house, call them, email them, or contact them in any way other than to send cards or gifts to the children.  Oh, I did send my daughter a card also for Valentines Day very generic, just saying that I wish her all the happiness that life has to bring but at least she knows that she was thought of.

There are many of the people in the Diary Section that know much more about the situation, and I said that I was going to start trying to let this go, but after actually seeing the show, I just felt I had to write this and let you know the conversation my friend had and the situation that I am in VERY unlike what was on the show.  There are no court battles (yet) and I am staying away as my daughter requested. 

I agree with Dr. Phil that BOTH the mother and daughter were out of line, and the main concern SHOULD be the child (children).  They have taken it to an entirely different level.  My daughter has said, To me my mother is dead, and she, also, only called me and was nice when she wanted something.  She was my best friend when I gave her my fathers car after he passed away and as long as the money was coming in she was OK with me and even asked me to babysit AT HER CONVENIENCE.  Once her husband began earning a salary that could support them, she no longer needed my financial support so she now can completely cut me off without it bothering her conscience.  Of course, you would hear a completely different story from her.  All that aside, I truly am very, very sad and missing my grandchildren.  I will attend public functions (ballet recital, etc) to see my grandchildren but I will go with safe people so my daughter cannot verbally attack me.  But above all, I AM concerned for the childrens well being which right now is on VERY shaky ground.

PLEASE help me pray that these children remain safe and well and that at some point I will again be able to see them and they, also, be able to take advantage of all the love I have to offer them. 

I think the only people that should have the right to make decisions abouth the childs best intrest should be the mother and the father! If neither want the child to have contact with the grandparents then that shouldn't be an issue for the courts or anybody else! The only time the grandparents should have that right is if both parents are deceased or if neither are fit take care for the child! Sometimes I believe the court system has more control over your child than the actual parents! I think the only time the courts should be involed is in custody  cases!

To create and maintain a bond there must be a very strong trust.  At 14, Lisa had a mother that told her that an 18 year old was too old for her, but then mom at 30, proceded to date him herself!!!.  This is outrageous.  Rita won't admit the pain and public humiliation this caused Lisa.  This is enough to break any bond of trust.  Rita was right that an 18 yr old is too old for a 14 yr old, but her follow up actions were what hurt Lisa.

A daughter, at any age, needs to be able to trust her mother and know that her mother loves her unconditionally. 

I have a great relationship with my daughter (college age).  We talk about everything and show each other mutual respect.  I encourage her to use her own good judgement in making her decisions. I don't criticize her, or second guess her at all.  I make suggestions when I am asked, otherwise I keep my opinions to myself.  Because I show her respect, I get asked for advice a lot. 

We talk almost daily and she knows that I am always happy to get her calls and she gets that loving encouragement and "cheerleading" from  me.  I like her friends, boyfriend, etc,  BUT I LOVE her and always put her first.  When she was 16 yr old, a friend of hers and the friends mom asked her if I was mad because she broke up with her nice boyfriend.  She told them "I am my mom's first priority".  The friend's mom told me this. 

I strongly believe that the mother daughter bond is very important.  But that bond has to be nurtured and respected, first by ther mom so that the daughter can learn that mom loves me no matter what, Mom is always on my side, Mom has my best interest in mind every time.  The daughter is always learning how to treat people, show love and respect for others, etc from her Mom.  Lisa did not have this from Rita. 

Now Rita is taking Lisa to court, telling lies, and demanding "rights" that put her in a confrontational situation with Lisa.  It was obvious to me that Rita's past (and present) behavior had put her in a confrontational mode with Lisa, rather than a supportive one.  Lisa has always played Rita's game, it is all she knows.  Now that Lisa is grown, Rita still wants her "rights" and her way.  Rita needs to stay away from Lisa and her family.  There are no winners here.  Rita needs to let Lisa and her family live in peace without her interference.  She's done enough damage already.