Topic : 06/05 Family Court Battles

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my entry and actually care enough to make some suggestions.  I truly appreciate it.  I am open to anything at all to help ease this situation.

I have tried EVERYTHING that you have suggested at one time or another and most recently, when she was speaking with me, complimented her on her compassion when she visited someone not very close to her in the hospital and took him flowers and a special coffee mug.  I told her it was very thoughtful and sweet of her to do that. 

However, ever since CPS got involved, she has cut off ALL communication with me.  I cannot speak with her at all.  I did send cards for Valentine’s Day and will continue to send gift cards for their birthdays.  But she has made it clear that to her I am dead and that she wants no parts of me at all.  I know that my message must have sounded accusatory and finger pointing, but this is the only place I have to let out my feelings.  It IS my fault that I have allowed her to walk all over me, and as far as taking someone with me to the dance recital, she has threatened physical violence on me if her mother-in-law sees me.  I am NOT a violent person by any means and can be intimidated very easily at times.  The support would be my sister who wants to see my grandchildren also, and it is more of a moral support for me than anything. 

Please don’t get me wrong.  I would LOVE to repair the relationship with my daughter.  She is not willing at this point to even try.  So I have to be patient and wait until she is ready.  I have no choice.  I need to respect her wishes and stay away – FOR NOW and let things quiet down and let her try to heal.  YES, there is much more from a long time ago, not necessarily from recent issues.  And only SHE can help right that situation with me and therapy.  But she is not willing at this point to do that.  So all I can do right now is pray for her that she becomes willing and is happy and stops taking her anger out on the children.  Please, help me pray for her AND for my grandchildren, that they be safe and loved.

Again, thank you very much for your concern and compassion.  I admire you for being mature in the way you approached the subject with me.  You are a good person and have wonderful insight. 

I agree with you that no woman can lead a fully normal life when she's at war with her mother...However, the rest, 'mothers and daughters...were meant to be soulmates" I just have to assume you are either a mother with a grown daughter, or a man. The relationship between a mother and a daughter is so much more complex than that, even if there are no mental illness issues...

I once heard "The parent/child relationship is the ONLY relationship DESIGNED from the beginning, to end in SEPARATION."  I have always thought this was interesting. So, if you end up with a daughter who is capable of caring for herself, apprieciates your company, but doesn't need it and is able to raise a loving family of her own without your input unless she asks...that's a success in my book...

I love my mother, but it took me many years of work for BOTH of us to be comfortable with our relationship...and just like neither she nor I are perfect, our relationship isn't either...I cannot imagine witholding my children from her. She is the first one I would turn to, after my husband, but if I felt her behavior was damaging to my children, I would.

Fortunately, I have never had to consider that with her...

I have a soulmate...I married him...

It is always sad when children are caught in the middle of a battle between families. But we all must remember we only see and hear an hour of the family dynamics that brought them all to this point. And unless you yourself have been in a situation like this you haven't a clue what a roller coaster ride it can be. The grandmother here needs to BUTT THE HELL OUT... the mother, biological father and stepfather of this boy should be the only ones that have the right to say if he should see this CRAZY UNSTABLE grandmother. And if they ALL agree that seeing the grandmother is not in the child's best interest, then it should be their decision, not the grandmothers and not the courts. The grandmother here acts like a child throwing a tantrum... "I'll show you, if you won't let me see my grandson then I'll just take you to court and sue you." What else is the mother to do but counter sue to protect her child. I have no doubt in my mind that this grandmother degrades this child's mother to his face. I also feel the mother does the same thing which needs to stop. But I also know (first hand experience) how hard it is to hold back when a grandparent trashes you to your child constantly. You soon feel the need to defend and protect yourself and finally lash out. It is so clear that this grandmother is a CRAZY LOON that has issues and needs help. Personally, I don't see that this mother and daughter will ever reconcile, that is something they each will have to learn to live with. Seems as if Lisa already has comes to terms with it. As for the child involved, he will one day soon be of age to do as he wishes and if he wishes to seek out the grandmother, no one can tell him otherwise. Forcing the issue only breeds more resentment. Rita needs to back off until Koal "wants" to see her. And he stated HE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE HER RIGHT NOW. Rita thrives on the DRAMA and seems to me she wants to "take (FORCE) the love and relationship with Koal as some kind of trophy, just as she took and married a man that she KNEW her young daughter had a crush on. YOU JUST DON"T DO THAT! It was stated that Rita has nothing to do with any of the other grandchildren, so why fight for only Koal? That's kinda sick right there. 

In closing since I have dealt with a similar situation...

My MIL is the grandmother that does things like this. Married 19 years, I saw this narcissistic personality early on in her and everyone just threw it back on me. She caused a lot of heart ache and turmoil in my life. So I backed off and let that hateful, nasty, crazy old woman dig her own grave. And she did. To date she has driven away 2 DILs that are now ex-DILs (go figure) 1 SIL that is now a ex-SIL, and 2 present DILs (me and my husband's brother's wife) Out of 8 grandchildren, 6 can't stand be be any where near the grandparents. All these people over time, the grandchildren as they grew older, being exposed to the horrible behavior that these grandparents displayed, made up their own mind that for their own safety and sanity, it was best that they just stay away from these miserable people.  

I think that if Lisa, her ex, and present husband would be present at short visitations to keep an eye on things and just keep their cool, Koal will see Rita for what she really is, and she will self destruct. There ARE people out there like RITA, they usually don't change, and in the end they will be their own worst enemy. Just give it time. Rita has narcissistic personality, always has to be right, always has to win, and has to "dump" on others in order for her to reach that high pedestal she sits on and I think she really enjoys the pain she is causing her own daughter. Who can blame Lisa for trying to protect herself and her son. Lastly, a mother, a ex-husband, and a present husband can't all be wrong in believing that Rita is a real threat to Koal. If a court has to be involved, seems to me that those whose created the child and the present husband that is helping raise the child should have the most say. Again, all 3 people can't be wrong!

I just have to say that i am one of the three children that were taken away from our Birth mother by our grandparents fighting for us.  The reason my grandmother fought sooo hard to remove us and to take on the government, was because of our health and happiness.  She and my gradfather fought for us and that is why grandparents now have the rights they have of they're grandchildren.  I am sooo grateful  to them for fighting for us, but I am VERY upset at this woman for taking advantage of what my graparents fought so hard for!!! They fought for us because we were being abused everyday by our birth-mother and all her many boyfriends/johns.  My oldest brother ended up in the hospital with internal injuries after being chased down the street by one of them and kicked in the stomach at 5 yrs of age.  He was trying to protect myself and my brother from him.  I was raped under the age of 2 and I THANK GOD every day that I am alive and healthy because of what my grandmother did!  I cannot BELIEVE that this woman is taking advantage of such a law to protect those of us who are being truly abused and trying to gain personally by attacking the mother of this child and also to put the child through such pain! HOW DARE SHE!!  This is between two adults and they should act as such.... pulling an innocent child into such a battle us unfair and I don't understand it at all. 

I am not the worlds greatest person, but I have overcome all of the abuse in my life, both physically and emotionally and I thank you Dr. Phil and Robin for being such advocates for children such as myself and my siblings.