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Topic : 02/27 Internet Cheats

Number of Replies: 105
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Created on : Friday, February 22, 2008, 12:13:14 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil talks with an engaged couple who can’t agree on what is appropriate online behavior. Tameka wants her fiancé, Keith, to shut down his three MySpace profiles that she says he uses to flirt with other women. She says he’s addicted to the social networking site and has already cheated on her twice with women he’s met online. Keith says he uses his profiles to promote his business as an entertainer, and flirting is just part of the job. He says getting rid of his profiles would be like cutting off his arm! What happens when Tameka creates her own provocative profile? Will it give Keith a taste of his own medicine? Then, Dr. Phil follows up with this couple one month later. Tameka says she’s still suspicious of Keith’s fidelity. Keith says he’s willing to do anything to prove that he is being faithful, but will he take Dr. Phil up on his offer to take a lie detector test? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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February 23, 2008, 11:04 am CST

Doctor Phil Show

Cheats Doctor Internet Phil. What are you talking about? I have never cheat on the internet at all. See you---

on Wednesday Feburry 27th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.-----------------------------------------------

 
February 23, 2008, 11:11 am CST

been there, not worth it !!

This is to all of those that think cheating on the internet won't hurt their marriages.  I had an internet affair for 9 months on the internet over 10 years ago and I am still not over it !!!!!!!

 

I talked to this guy online 24/7 and on the phone a couple of times a day.  Everything he told me about himself was the truth except that he didn't love me as he said he did many many times.  We were both married to our spouses over 30 years. 

 

My situation may have been a little different because my husband didn't mind or told me he didn't mind at all.  He would leave me alone when I was talking to this guy either online or on the phone.  He even told me if I thought I would be happier with this man than to go for it.  All of these comments made me feel like he didn't care about me at all.  He even drove me 1,000 miles to meet him.

 

We ended up moving to the same town where my internet lover lived and my husband started working for him.  All sounds a little crazy I know.

 

Anyhow, that was 10 years ago and I never see this man or even talk to him but he is in my thoughts daily and my marraige has never been the same.  My husband and I are like 2 casual friends living in the same house.  No communication and certainly no love.  It has totally ruined my life.  And as for the internet, I am afraid to talk to anyone on here because I don't want to go through this again.

 

So please, be very careful what you do on the internet or you may regret it for the rest of your live like I am doing right now.  I am in my 60's.

 

 

 

 
February 23, 2008, 7:16 pm CST

HIS PRIVATE SPACE

  I have had a Internet profile for a couple of years.  The original reason for setting it up was to keep in touch with my family that lives out of state.  Since then I have come into contact with a few people that I went to school with.  It's very interesting sending messages back and forth,  finding out how one another's lives have turned out.  I have also accepted friends requests of people I don't know.  But we never disclose any personal information.  We just sent comments and short messages, like:  happy holidays, have a nice day.  General stuff like that.  I have never kept my profile or the password from my husband.  I don't have anything to hide.

  Well a few months ago my husband had me to help him create a profile.  I enjoyed working with him on it.  I actually thought it was a good thing that we could keep working together on.  Well at first it wasn't too bad.  Then he and one of his female friend began to get a little too friendly.  It may have been just joking,  but still, in my opinion it was inappropriate.  I explained to him how I felt. He told her that I was making him delete her. (He sounded like a scolded child). He has made other female friends since then.  He changed his password. He told me to stay out of his profile.  I have seen some of the comments he sends to them, like:  "SENDING YOU HUGS", "HELLO TO MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND". Those are just the comments that he posts on some of their profiles.  Some of them I can't see, because their profile is set to private.  And their is no telling what they write back and forth in messages. 

  Some may think that I just sound like a jealous over bearing wife.  But he has cheated on me in the past with women from work, so it's not like he's not capable. 

  I believe that his only contact with these women has been online.  I just don't feel right about the fact that he has relationships with these women, (even if it is just online),  and he denies me access.

 
February 23, 2008, 11:26 pm CST

Trust is a precious thing to loose.

Dr. Phil  this couple needs so much counseling  if they are will to make this work.

It was his my-space and it was for him only until he lied and cheated on his wife.  Now if he truly wants his marriage to work I hope he will understand that the trust is gone.  Once you loose something so precious it is so hard to get back.

If he now wants a my-space account and a marriage he will have to let his precious wife in on it too.  She deserves that.  After all his wife has been through she deserves the right to see that website and any others that he is hiding from her.

It's going to take a long time to earn back that trust he lost so he will have to be patient with her until she feels safe again.

Thank you,
Sheila North Carolina
 
February 24, 2008, 1:26 am CST

What Happened to Honesty in a Marriage?

I think computers and the internet have their place, but, they are used by many people as a reason to live a fantasy life. There is nothing that I write online that can't be read by my husband and I absolutely expect the same from him. He knows my passwords and I know his. Privacy is one thing, keeping secrets from one another is an entirely different issue. I have monitoring software on my computer and everyone who uses it is aware of this (including my grandchildren). I think it is more important for them to know that it is there, than for me to use it, as I rarely do. It is so important for parents to monitor their children's use of the Internet, even with and especially teenagers. If they don't like it, then that is fine, they can wait until they are 18 to get on the Internet. Somewhere along the line, the word privacy has gotten misued and many parents have stopped parenting. I also believe that our laws have not kept up with technology, so, pornography, children being persued by strangers, etc has become much easier. A computer in the home is a privilage, not a right. If it causes problems in a marriage or in a family, then it goes in the garbage or at least "off line." To me, it is that easy. You turn it off. We can survive without the "internet." I don't go on the computer to read my husband's emails, I trust that he isn't writing anything that would be something that he wouldn't want to share with me. If I had any reason to believe he was "flirting" with other women online (which apparently, some spouses do), believe me, I would be calling that day and canceling our internet service. I so agree with Dr Phil: you teach people how to treat you. I will not tolerate that kind of behavior, I would consider it disrespectful to me and a total misuse of the computer.

 
February 24, 2008, 5:21 am CST

02/27 Internet Cheats

Quote From: sweetpea513

  I have had a Internet profile for a couple of years.  The original reason for setting it up was to keep in touch with my family that lives out of state.  Since then I have come into contact with a few people that I went to school with.  It's very interesting sending messages back and forth,  finding out how one another's lives have turned out.  I have also accepted friends requests of people I don't know.  But we never disclose any personal information.  We just sent comments and short messages, like:  happy holidays, have a nice day.  General stuff like that.  I have never kept my profile or the password from my husband.  I don't have anything to hide.

  Well a few months ago my husband had me to help him create a profile.  I enjoyed working with him on it.  I actually thought it was a good thing that we could keep working together on.  Well at first it wasn't too bad.  Then he and one of his female friend began to get a little too friendly.  It may have been just joking,  but still, in my opinion it was inappropriate.  I explained to him how I felt. He told her that I was making him delete her. (He sounded like a scolded child). He has made other female friends since then.  He changed his password. He told me to stay out of his profile.  I have seen some of the comments he sends to them, like:  "SENDING YOU HUGS", "HELLO TO MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND". Those are just the comments that he posts on some of their profiles.  Some of them I can't see, because their profile is set to private.  And their is no telling what they write back and forth in messages. 

  Some may think that I just sound like a jealous over bearing wife.  But he has cheated on me in the past with women from work, so it's not like he's not capable. 

  I believe that his only contact with these women has been online.  I just don't feel right about the fact that he has relationships with these women, (even if it is just online),  and he denies me access.

Well, I would not be comfortable with a situation like yours. I have been married for almost 34 years and I am truly not a jealous person. But, I would be jealous if my husband had a Myspace and denied me access and was flirting with other women. Period. I think, in a marriage, there are certain boundaries and rules. And some things are just not acceptable. And for me, this would be unacceptable.
 
February 24, 2008, 9:51 am CST

PROMISCUITY AND REPEATED INFIDELITY - MALE AND FEMALE

If you are with in a relationship with someone, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained.  You operate your life based on this expectation.  When your partner in the relationship does not or cannot make an emotional connection, the relationship becomes very painful.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight into personality types most capable of repeated infidelity are:

 

 

Why Is It Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss AND Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

 

Malignant Self Love:  Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin MAYBE The Professional Bachelors Dating Guide:  How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho by Dr Brett Tate

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland OR Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen AND Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

 

Healthy Boundaries Workbook: Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Set and Maintain Better Boundaries by Deborah Deiboldt Legge OR Overcoming Passive-Aggression by Tim Murphy and Loriann Oberlin

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

  

Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

 

 

Though harder to spot, emotional abuse is easier to deny.  But just as physical abuse has signposts to mark its presence, emotional abuse, being a systematic attack on one's sense of self, has common traits.  Physical abuse comes in degrees of severity - emotional abuse also runs the gamut of intensity and damage.

 

There are relationships, marriages and families that are so destructive the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  Make a promise to yourself to leave.  Leave so you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can learn to live a joyful, peaceful, trusting, and fulfilling life.

 

Hope it helps!

 
February 24, 2008, 4:21 pm CST

That would be enough...

Quote From: sweetpea513

  I have had a Internet profile for a couple of years.  The original reason for setting it up was to keep in touch with my family that lives out of state.  Since then I have come into contact with a few people that I went to school with.  It's very interesting sending messages back and forth,  finding out how one another's lives have turned out.  I have also accepted friends requests of people I don't know.  But we never disclose any personal information.  We just sent comments and short messages, like:  happy holidays, have a nice day.  General stuff like that.  I have never kept my profile or the password from my husband.  I don't have anything to hide.

  Well a few months ago my husband had me to help him create a profile.  I enjoyed working with him on it.  I actually thought it was a good thing that we could keep working together on.  Well at first it wasn't too bad.  Then he and one of his female friend began to get a little too friendly.  It may have been just joking,  but still, in my opinion it was inappropriate.  I explained to him how I felt. He told her that I was making him delete her. (He sounded like a scolded child). He has made other female friends since then.  He changed his password. He told me to stay out of his profile.  I have seen some of the comments he sends to them, like:  "SENDING YOU HUGS", "HELLO TO MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND". Those are just the comments that he posts on some of their profiles.  Some of them I can't see, because their profile is set to private.  And their is no telling what they write back and forth in messages. 

  Some may think that I just sound like a jealous over bearing wife.  But he has cheated on me in the past with women from work, so it's not like he's not capable. 

  I believe that his only contact with these women has been online.  I just don't feel right about the fact that he has relationships with these women, (even if it is just online),  and he denies me access.

 

If he cheated on you in the past, do you think he's not doing it online?  Especially if he' s changing his password to intentionally keep you out. 

 

I don't think you're "overbearing" at all...especially in light of his cheating past.  He's the one being inappropriate, IMO, NOT you.  I'd pack his bags for him and throw him out on the streetcorner where he belongs.  You're too good to be cheated on like that!

 
February 24, 2008, 8:35 pm CST

It Only Gets Worse

I was married to a man for 8 years and if he wasn't on the internet, phone, or movies he was cheating for real.  Guys like this never get enough and they will not stop no matter what the cost.  Him and I had 2 kid's together and that wasn't enough to stop anything.  We were averaging $1300.00 phone bills, $250.00 cable bills and I couldn't even turn my computer on when my kid's were around because of the pop ups.  The one thing I found out is this had absolutly nothing to do with sex it was adrenaline.  At one point he even told me to my face that he didn't care about the consiquences at the time he was doing this.  It was so bad we were evicted from two houses and lost 3 cars, phone in the house was few and far between (w/ 2 babies in the house).  I would steer clear of this guy, he will ruin you and your children's lives.

 
February 26, 2008, 7:10 pm CST

02/27 Internet Cheats

Quote From: sweetpea513

  I have had a Internet profile for a couple of years.  The original reason for setting it up was to keep in touch with my family that lives out of state.  Since then I have come into contact with a few people that I went to school with.  It's very interesting sending messages back and forth,  finding out how one another's lives have turned out.  I have also accepted friends requests of people I don't know.  But we never disclose any personal information.  We just sent comments and short messages, like:  happy holidays, have a nice day.  General stuff like that.  I have never kept my profile or the password from my husband.  I don't have anything to hide.

  Well a few months ago my husband had me to help him create a profile.  I enjoyed working with him on it.  I actually thought it was a good thing that we could keep working together on.  Well at first it wasn't too bad.  Then he and one of his female friend began to get a little too friendly.  It may have been just joking,  but still, in my opinion it was inappropriate.  I explained to him how I felt. He told her that I was making him delete her. (He sounded like a scolded child). He has made other female friends since then.  He changed his password. He told me to stay out of his profile.  I have seen some of the comments he sends to them, like:  "SENDING YOU HUGS", "HELLO TO MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND". Those are just the comments that he posts on some of their profiles.  Some of them I can't see, because their profile is set to private.  And their is no telling what they write back and forth in messages. 

  Some may think that I just sound like a jealous over bearing wife.  But he has cheated on me in the past with women from work, so it's not like he's not capable. 

  I believe that his only contact with these women has been online.  I just don't feel right about the fact that he has relationships with these women, (even if it is just online),  and he denies me access.

 I wouldn't be happy at all if my husband decided that I should stay off his Facebook profile, or suddenly changed his password, I would be suspicious and we respect each other enough to have nothing to hide on our profiles, or our e-mails etc.
Even the Doc has said many times, "those with Nothing to hide, hide NOTHING", see it for what it is RED FLAG.
 
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