I too am the mother of a convicted sex offender. I am glad people are starting to see that there may be some miscarriage of justice in labeling sex offenders. John Stossel is going to do a show on this very subject next week, it should be interesting.
When this happened to our family, we went to the extreme of hiring a private detective, as well as a psychiatrist, who was in charge of the State Mental Health Hospital System, to let us know if our son was truly a sex offender, and what the real story was. As a victim of sex abuse myself, I needed to know if he was a threat to others, as the pain of sex assault lives with a person for the rest of their lives. It was so very important for us to know the truth.
The psychiatrist came back with that our son was using drugs, but he felt he was in no way a danger to girls (or boys) at any age, or women, that he was not a sexual predator, rapist, or child molester in any way. He thought it was the situation itself and he was not in the category to re-offend. The detective came back with yes, there were drugs, but what had happened in the story was true, that our son had been deceived into believing these 2 young ladies were of age. He discovered they belonged to a club of girls who went out purposefully to lure and have sex with older men. The older the male, the more points you got or some such thing.
Here's a short explanation of his story. He went with a friend to a pool hall/bar one evening. There were two girls in there and they had wrist bands on, showing they were of age, 18, to be in there, but too young to drink. The girls showed pictures of themselves all dolled up and enjoying each other's company in lingerie. We saw these pictures as well and we could not believe their actual ages. They did not look or act like minors! The photographs were of them doing adult behaviors. This of course was a complete turn on for our son who was 21, shortly (within a week or so) to be 22. They ran into each other again, and they decided to give him a young man's dream come true for a birthday present. This was their "gift" to him. They all smoked pot, bought by the girls, but he had driven them to get it. As it turned out, one girl was going to be 16 in 1 month (her mother was a deputy-sheriff, but lost her job for doing an illegal activity herself that I found out about and reported) and a 14 year old that we found out had been the unfortunate victim of incest and had been to bed with more men than most adult women! After the birthday "gift," the 14 year old, arriving home late, accused our son of rape. Those charges were quickly dropped when the truth was discovered. The mother and step father then wanted the case dropped and they too were told no way. Our son did not have to go to prison, we think the Judge must have thought it was ridiculous too, but it was an election year and there was a deputy's daughter involved, so he got probation which he successfully completed.
We did and do hold him accountable. He should have never been using drugs, and he should have gotten to know them better before having sex with them. We had never bailed him out of jail as we had always told our children if you have put yourself in that position, we would not bail them out. So, he did stay in jail for a lengthy stay, but at least it wasn't prison.
The pool hall/bar? A deal was made if they closed, no charges would be pressed for admitting minors! No one knew if the girls had been drinking or not, and the kids weren't telling. It closed. No charges were filed. Small town politics-not what you know but who you know. Apparently while the sheriff was out "protecting" the streets, her daughter was a regular visitor to the pool hall/bar!
The girls? No charges for this. They had a stack of charges, but they were told if our son were to plead guilty, all charges would be dropped against them concerning this case. Of course he plead guilty versus going to trial when in that state there are no exceptions to the law, intent, deceitfulness, and behavior, on the part of the girls would not be allowed as evidence. The 16 year old ended up at a boot camp several months later. She had shacked up with a 26 year old right after boot camp. The 14 year old? We saw her, not even a week after our son's conviction, running into the arms of an adult male-had to be in his late 20's, she jumped on him and straddled him in a public parking lot! We tried to warn him. And so their behavior continued! Both we found out later had been in trouble numerous times with the law before this incident even happened.
Our son? He has completed probation. During probation he had been living in a mobile home that was rotten and the walls were literally melting, it was infested with mold. He kept the curtains closed so he would never see a child that happened to walk by. It was extreme. He became a different person. The sex offender meetings were very hard on him as he had to meet with other offenders and what he learned would make him so angry, sick to his stomach, and frightened for children. He is glad that is over, but he will never forget what he heard. He has never shared what he heard and maybe it is a good thing. From what I observed, I think the mandatory therapy (especially in some states where they carry it on for the rest of their lives) is another farce and a way for some people to get very rich and no real help is given, but that is another story. Our son will be registered for the rest of his life, jobs are hard to come by and the ones he does get do not pay well, and places to live are even harder. His life is difficult to say the least. He has zero self value, He can't get a "normal" apartment, and his picture is hanging on walls of local preschools, people freak-out when they find out. He was married and has a son. It turned out to be a lot for the wife, not having a decent place to live, having his picture, and their address, car, employment, all plastered on the Internet. They couldn't have a babysitter to have a normal night out, can't join clubs, can't go to the swimming pool with his son for lessons, will never be able to help with a school, sport, or scout activity with his son, the list goes on.
Me? It almost destroyed me. I went to a deep dark place for a very long time. Although I am better, I have withdrawn a lot now. I have cut off most relationships with friends. When they talk about the success of their children, it is naturally going to come my way. What would I say?
What is amazing to me is that if a child, at 14 chooses to shoot someone they will be charged as an adult and go to prison for premeditated murder, but at 14 if they choose to have sex they are a child! What a flippin' double standard.
Not all sex offenders are evil incarnates of Satan. I am sick of hearing about how they should all be categorized as demons and left to rot. That being said, unfortunately, there are some in our society that do want to hurt children and we do need to figure out what to do about them, but we better figure out a civilized way or it will only get worse. If they don't have a place to live they will live on the street. If they don't have a job, they will live off of welfare, or break into homes to steal so they can sell the goods.
I think we need to drop all "offenders" from the list who have not harmed a person. I am talking about people who have peed too many times in the alley, or have run naked through their school or at a concert (that used to be funny when we were in high school-we called it streaking) or even hung their rumps out a window-(we called it mooning)-disgusting yes, but not a sex offender by any means!
Then there are the grayer areas like our son and literally hundreds if not thousands of other young men. Should we destroy their lives? This was, although not smart-and deceitful on the part of the girls, consensual sex. He was wrong, but not to the extent of the punishment. Should the guys like this be monitored for a period of time? Probably, but then drop it, off their record, off the Internet, unless it happens again. A police only site could be maintained for this purpose.
Then there are those who hunt down children or women like prey. The children are complete innocents. These people, and they are people, are going to be harder but we have to deal with them. They should be monitored for life, maybe ankle bracelets, and strict rules. Depending on the crime, maybe they should stay in prison for the rest of their lives, either way we will pay for it. Maybe the best thing is to collect data, find out what makes these people tick. Help families when they are young-although most people would never go seek help for their child in this day and age for fear of our system.
We need to convict people carefully. Each case should be individual, not a lump conviction. It should be decided by professionals if someone is a threat and should be posted on the Internet, not come one, come all. All the facts of the case, including the history of the girls should be told to the Judge.(not in a jury situation and it should be a closed court session, but the Judge should know.) We need people who do not have alliterative motives to really look into this and come up with some solutions, but that would take time and money. These are not easy problems or questions, but fear is not going to help solve the problem, if anything, it will only serve to make things worse. I know TV sells well when it is a "fear" subject, and we even elect our officials, our President, from fear, but in reality history has shown that it doesn't work well to run a society on fear.
Don’t miss Dr. Phil’s exclusive interview with Brianna Denison's mother who is speaking out for the first time since her daughter's body was found. Nineteen-year-old Brianna made headlines when she was kidnapped while she slept on a friend's couch. Brianna's killer – an alleged serial rapist -- is still on the loose in Reno, NV. And, a controversial issue is heating up the headlines: Where should registered sex offenders live when they’re released from prison? Residents of Long Beach, California say not in their neighborhood. They’re outraged that an apartment building is allegedly housing 13 registered sex offenders, and the building owner is reportedly receiving $1,000 per month to house them. Former tenants, James and Getania, were disgusted to learn that the sex offenders were living in their building, and local residents weren’t happy either. Dawna owns several properties near the apartment complex. She says she’s losing tenants and the sex offenders are stalking others. Then, Jake Goldenflame, a registered sex offender who was convicted of molesting his daughter and young boys over 25 years ago, says he's still attracted to teenage boys, but says people like him have no resources and need to live somewhere. What does Dr. Phil think? Should the sex offenders be forced to leave the community, or should their neighbors just learn to live with them? If it's happening now, Dr. Phil is going to deal with it now! Join the discussion.
