Topic : 03/07 Dr. Phil Now: Sex Offenders Next Door

WHAT A GUTSY LADY!  I admire her being able to confront her father...and to finally forgive him for her own health.  Nice that she had a supportive husband.  Too bad about your sister-in-law...poor woman let it eat her up...and it did nothing for her..just TO her.  Hope she does better in the future.

New York, as well, is being cut to the bone.  Justice is NOT always about the law...politics comes into play, and I hope as my kids get older, they will see it more realistically, than personally.

I agree with you about taking it too far.  Yes, it is terrible...but it happened...no going back...and I have seen people in my groups who hold the abuse like a security blaket...does it help?  I think it only does more harm, but what can you do?

I really believe that it happened, and I hope that one day, he is caught..but the way you said...internet porn...no more hands (or Other things) on.  I knew him.  I loved him.  Wonder...maybe a wish...a fantasy...but one day will HIS conscience dictate that he come clean?  He cannot be prosecuted, and it may really be the best healing for everyone.  That's up to him...

Who knows, one day when my two get older...18 and 20 are delicate ages...they may confront him.  You know, what you say you'll NEVER do at 20 is what you end up doing at 35. 

I'm really trying to free myself from the past...including the longing for my daughter...I made so many attempts to contact her, that I can honestly say I have tried...short of actually stalking her...or showing up...that would be too much, and only intensify the anger.  Now, that she has two children, it would be cruel...so I just tuck her away and wish her well.  As you said..let nature take it's course. 

Thanks,

Kathy

HE sure did get away with a crime!  That show where the woman saw it and did nothing...I'm still twitching!Odd, my son-in-law got a City job where he had to go into large apartments to test for lead, as part of his training...he is a research specialist in lead poisoning.  Odd, you only test for lead through that Department when there are children living there under the age of six years old.  It's not like the test you request when you buy a home...his job is the with the City, and they only do testing where there is the potential for danger to kids.  That timeline corresponds to the period when he stopped doing things to my children.  HMMMM. wondering if he didn't volunteer to watch the children while Mom ran to the store?  He was charming enough to gain that trust.  Wonder if his BADGE, that was mandatory to gain entrance was used to scare the children...like you can be taken out of here if you tell anyone that we did....?  Just a delayed reaction, and a possible answer as to why he stopped.  Maybe he found greener grass!  And safer turf...mine were getting older....

My daughter is either in denial, brainwashed or a passive abuser...that thought makes me sick, but don't think the POSSIBILITY was not raised to me, by my therapist...I went into denial at that one...

Yes, this COULD be my daughter in years to come, and the kicker being, as you've said...I can do nothing about it.  Human beings sure are strange, and I learned my family is NOT immune to having a few nuts on our family tree. 

We are hearing so much of this lately, and unless my daughter is living under a rock...she hears it as well.  Don't you think with all that is being publically "outed" it would give her a driving need to speak to my kids now...at 18 and 20...to really protect her own children.  I would HAVE to, but she doesn't want to hear it...so, she stays away...continues to after 8 years...with a 2 year old and a 5 year old in that home.  She is a teacher...had to take courses on sexually abused children...I know I never dropped her on her head, so it must be very strong denial...or the reality that NOTHING or NO ONE will shake her "perfect" world.  Strange is being kind....cannot figure her out, but I feel the same for the people we see on T.V.  The more of the I hear about, the more I think she's one of them.

I know this is so after the fact, but in the event that anyone re-reads this forum, I'd like to share the downside of the issue of denying Grandparents visitation.  It has nothing to do with me, directly, but it speaks to the hopes for any future relationship...or better said, the lack of hope.

Totally different situation, my brother-in-law has a son, divorced, and from this marriage came a grandaughter.  Now his son became more of a "sugar daddy" than a father...meaning he sent lots of money, but gave VERY little time to his child.  Thankfully his ex-wife did remarry a very nice man, and her life turned out fine...except for the fact that she gave the daughter her legacy of hate.  My brother-in-law tried to keep a relationship with his granddaughter...for a while, it worked.  At one point, close to the new marriage, he was told that it would be in everyone's best interest to cease all contact with the child.  Bottom line, he was denied  a relationship with the girl, because Mom said so.  He accepted this(not much choice), but recently did look the girl up, she is now  a young woman, capable of making her own decisions.  I wish that I could copy the letter she sent to her grandfather...everyone should read it.  In it, she spoke of the pain of his "rejection".  The fact that she feels he isn't man enough to have persued her.  She said things about his missing her dance recitals, graduations, birthdays...went on to say that her step-grandfather stepped up to the plate and that he IS her grandfather, and will deny any relationship with my brother-in-law...denies that he is, in fact, her grandfather.  The letter was long, I can't get the whole thing onto this post, but in reading it, I wanted to throw up.  HE was NOT her father...HE did not reject her...her MOTHER told him to keep away...yet, that young woman feels rejected, despises him,  blames him for not having this relationship...and talks of his hurting her beyond belief. and told him he is not a man. 

So much for a future relationship when a child's mind has been contaminated by lies...her mother never said to her that it was her desire to sever ties...why tell the truth?  It may cause her to lose face with her child...so, better to allow an innocent man, and an innocent child to bear the pain of her decision, and now any hope of a reconnection is dead. 

Sometimes we think of our children as our "possesions"...what WE think is what THEY will accept.  This is a case where it didn't turn out very well.  That child suffered as much as my in-laws, but because she "belonged" to her mother, it was all right. 

What hit ME the hardest was throughout the letter, she kept telling him...you rejected me...Forget the facts, this was and is her preception of what her grandfather did..he rejected her. 

So, does he get into a thing with her?  Does he undermine her mother, who may have felt her actions were in the child's best interest?  What he's doing is letting it go, but knowing that lies, and bitternesss, all unnnecessary have hurt two innocent people..himself and his grandchild...mom's possesion.

How must he have he have felt reading, you didn't knock at my door...you didn't call you didn't care...he was not ALLOWED TO DO ANY OF IT! 

He shared this letter with me to spare me this reaction in the future.  His advice to me was to stay away forever...your grandchildren will grow up in the same type of fabricated lies, and feel you didn't care...and those years are burned like embers in the soul...REJECTION!

So, because of the lack of Grandparents' Rights being effective in most cases, and parents not thinking of WHAT this does to a child, the cycle is eternal.  In my case, a pedophile won and three people lost...my two granddaughters, and their grandmother...who did not reject them, but was denied visits since I stood against the rape of my children.  Hardly rejection, but if my daughter is smart, she'll tell them her parents are dead, so they will not suffer the imagined rejection of my brother-in-law's grand child. Her pain was so strong in that letter, her bitterness so biting, and her anger, she felt to be justified will be part of her adult life. Nice baggage her mother handed to her...so unnecessary...but she had that RIGHT.  In my opinion, no one has that right, and your children deserve to know the truth about extended family...and they DO, if this girl is ANY indication, need the love of grandparents. 

To anyone who feels the need to keep their parents away from their children, tell them the truth...admit it was YOUR choice, and explain your reasons (in my case, it can't be done).  Don't let your child/ren feel they were rejected.  If you feel that strongly about your parents being negative forces, as soon as the child is of age, be honest.  The letter was heartbreaking and totally unnnessary.  We do not OWN our children, and the outcome of our decisions can often cause them pain, as we use them to wage our wars!  This was tragic!

doctor phil,,

     Ths show really upsets me. It is my belief that all the adults in this show are to blame for that poor boy getting molested. It is the fault of both the parents and the grandparents. If the mother truly believed in her

heart that she was molested. And the father new about the molesting of his wife by the father. Then there

should have been no way in hell. That man should have been near the kid. And if the grandmother knew of

the stuff going on by her husband. There should have been no way that she should have left that little boy alone with the grandfather. For him to be able to molest him. I also think that the parents should press charges against the grandfather.

They often visit more than on Sunday.  I know from first hand experience, you are right, your stats are right, and I only WISH I knew then, what I know now.  My children NEVER went outside alone, never went to camp, to pre-school, daycare or any place but public school, starting with kindergarten.  I kept them "safe".  Too bad their older sister had this boyfriend/fiance/husband, someone I called "the perfect one", in our lives for 6 years.  Him I trusted implicity, and I do NOT freely give that kind of trust.  I was so busy worrying about who was hanging wall paper..keeping them near me, who was painting...etc.  Him, oh they could hang out with him in the playroom while I made dinner (wished he chocked on it).

My older daughter has not spoken to us in 8 years..they have , from what I have heard through the grapevine, two little girls..my daughter did not believe her siblings.  I'm the devil because I had him arrested, but due to statutes of limitations, and no concrete evidence, plus the fact, the abuse had stopped, charges were dismissed.  He said/she said is hard to prove.

I was soooooo careful, and he was doing in my home, under my nose, and the children were too close to him so they kept silent for 6 years...didn't want to "lose'" him.

Your post speaks volumes, and I hope people listen. 

So much talk about sex abuse in families.  So many Dr. Phil shows illustrating that the offender usually has a cover,his wife, (or his girlfriend.?)  I have read your posts, Kathleen, and I think you are a mother who is in denial.  I have some experience in the courts.  Your case got too far to think your kids wre not believed.  Your daughter knows this as well as anyone.

He was doing things for a long time before your kids told you.  Don't you think it is strange that they came out after your daughter was out of the house?

Don't you think it's strange that she left without looking back?

How many shows in this year alone, have we seen mothers who looked away while their child was being molested?  Had they called it in, it would have stopped, the offender removed from the home, and maybe done jail time.  The perverts got away with it for so long because they were being covered by a person the victim trusted and loved.

I think your children were sold out by their sister, and I only pray for your grandchildrens' safety.  I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I think you are in denial about your daughter.  Start to think more about those young girls and do whatever you can to get involved in their lives.  Those children, in my opinion, are at risk, and I think their grandmother knows that. Don't let history repeat itself, if it hasn't already.