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Topic : 03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

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Created on : Friday, March 07, 2008, 11:34:24 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Over 50 percent of men and only 19 percent of women say they think about it several times a day. On the average, you do it almost 100 times a year. No, you don’t have a dirty mind – the topic is SEX! With the help of renowned OB/GYN Lisa Masterson, Dr. Phil tackles sex issues, and you might be surprised at how much you can relate! First up, Jason says his wife, Sylvia, has two personalities: Sylvia the 6th grade school teacher and Sylvia the sex maniac. Can the couple find a happy medium with what goes on in their bedroom? Then, Robin and Tom have been engaged for four years but haven’t set a wedding date. Tom says there’s something his betrothed won’t do that’s keeping him from saying, "I do." Can Dr. Masterson help Robin rescue her relationship? Next, statistics show that nearly 10 percent of women never have an orgasm through sexual activity. Becki says she had her first -- and last -- in 1998. Could her problem be biological? Be there when she hears her test results after a full examination. And, meet a couple who says they have sex up to six times a day. Is there such a thing as too much? Plus, Dr. Masterson answers your most embarrassing questions about sex. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 9, 2008, 7:08 pm CDT

HYSTER TOO

Quote From: photogal66

I had a complete hysterectomy in 1997 (10 1/2 years ago). I am a married woman with a husband I really love and that treats me well. After my hysterectomy, I lost all interest in sex and it has actually become very painful to have intercourse because of my extremely dry vagina. I have tried everything! I couldn't be on hormones for very long as I have a history of breast cancer in my family. I have tried herbal remedies, a kind of hormonal sponge, and nothing seems to work. Even testorone doesn't work. What can I do? My husband misses this aspect of our marriage as do I. What can we do? Thanks for your help.

Kathy

Hi Kathy!

     I wanted to tell you that I also had a hyster, about 30 years ago and went on the estrogen patch. When the news was going around that you could make your risk of breast cancer by using the patch, my doctor took me off of it. I went through the menopause symptoms all over again, but I think you have help out there in the estrogen vaginal cream or pills. They are inserted directly into your vagina, and it is supposed to help you with elasticy. The cream is a little messy (use it at bedtime, so you absorb all that you can) and use a pantyliner for when you get up in the morning. I like the cream best, but like I said , it tends to be messy.  The pill also is inserted into the vaginal, and no mess at all.  I had never lost the lost of my desire after my hysterectomy, but I did have times of pain during intercourse. Please speak to your GYN to find out your options. Good luck!

 
March 9, 2008, 7:27 pm CDT

RE- Intellectual Intercourse

Quote From: twoflowers

My s/o and I have both been totally different as far as sex drive from the first day we met 5 years ago.  I am the female in this relationship and my sex drive has always been strong and his once a month if I'm lucky!  I've never had to live feeling so unwanted, he isn't the touchy feely type of warm guy (why am I with him good question!), no hugs, no kisses just words of affection and dedication.  I believe the reason we are together is not sexual it is intellectual.  We liked one another at the very beginning and still because we both are on the same planet let's put it that way when we have conversations and communicate.  That part is fine but when it comes to sex he just isn't a physical type of man.  I honestly was taken aback by him during our very first date because after the date all he did was walk me to my car, kiss the back of my hand, told me how much he enjoyed my company and can he call me again?  Have ever heard this HECK NO!  This made him different.  He did not do the typical come back to my place or your place.  Or your so HOT baby I'd love to get my hands on you routine, he was an actual gentleman,  Those I did not think existed anymore because when I dated I got the let's go you hot mama scenario and not the gentleman.  I liked the gentleman much better and we had "intercourse" of the brain let's put it that way.  The physical part I miss so much, but I can't get through to him that he does not meet my needs.  It almost seems like he is like a little boy discussing the subject when I bring it up.  Plus when sex actually does happen, it is so basic and ordinary that I don't even like it with him.  He is of the mindset that the man is the one to be satisfied and if the woman does so be it but it is up to HER to accomplish it.  WRONG.  There is my dilemma.  I would love to hear your take on "intellectual intercourse" and about 6 times a year physical sex.

Thank you.

Well, I needed to comment on this! While communication and being of like minds is a very good thing, I would REALLY have to think if I wanted to stay in the relationship. If you are not married, there is probably someone out there that would be a more compatible match for you, IF sex is an important part of life for you, and it sounds like it is. I would get very excited about sex 6 times a year, and I have gone without for long periods of time. The difference is, I am married for over 20 years, and I realize some of the problem my husband is having, has been caused by illnesses. If he didn't want to have sex with me when we were younger, and I knew that my marriage would not be a sexual one, and I would not be physically fulfilled by him, I am not sure that I would have been married to him. It is awful to say, but, I do have the need for intimacy, WANT intimacy, and no matter what I say, he always comes up with the same excuses. (I'm tired, I just don't think about sex, I am not comfortable being the initiator, I cannot get a hard enough erection - so I cannot satisfy you, I have no semen so I can't have an orgasm, and the list goes on.)  What he doesn't get is, I did initiate sex many times, but when he doesn't come after me and make me feel wanted from time to time, I can't chase after him when I am feeling unwanted and rejected!  I believe I am worth having a sexual relationship with, and I do want one desperately. Another reader said she was not having sex with her husband, but she is having sex outside of their marriage, in secret. My husband knows that I could not do this while married. It just would not sit well with my soul. My love is very deep for him, and I only wish we could have sex once in a while. At this point, I wouldn't complain if it were only once a month! Like I tell him, work is the top step of the ladder, and that is where I should be. If he can go to work and work very hard, then he should also work at making me happy in every way. I honestly don't think that will ever happen. It is the only flaw that I feel our marriage has, and it is a HUGE flaw to me.  Other husbands over the years have complained about their wives not giving it to them. He has been very wise to not follow their leads, because if he ever complained about not getting it, he would be very quickly kicked as hard as I could kick him!
 
March 9, 2008, 11:21 pm CDT

agree 100%

Quote From: thindi

Hey Robin? dump him. If he doesn't love you, the person, and is not willing to marry you by now.. get out! The doctor doesn't need to fix Robin so Tom is happy. This is ridiculous. Tom needs to learn about love. Why should she march to his drummer? I hope good things for Robin with another man!!!
This Tom guy looks like a complete jerk if he thinks that was love is. She needs to seriously dump him before they get married and have some stupid divorce because of natural causes in marriage. I dated a guy like Tom,and he ended up dumping me cause I did not want to be intimate anymore. My husband and I have been married for 3 yrs and I don't have that wild sex drive I used to, but that never means that my husband doesnt love me and has stuck by my side. Tom is never going to be happy if he does not get a grip on reality.
 
March 10, 2008, 4:21 am CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Seeing this topic reminded me of the book "Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask." The book came out in 1969, I think. I was about 15 and my best friend got hold of a copy and we devoured it. Neither one of us knew a THING about sex at the time.

 

Well, here it is about 39 years later and I still don't know enough about sex to give anyone any advice about it. After all these years, I can't really remember the contents of the book that well. And I have been married for almost 34 years. I would say that with time and experience, the quality of sex improves, once you get older and figure out that more is not necessarily better. As a young person, I thought that older people didn't have any interest in sex. (Little did I know...)

 

My husband and I are still on the same page when it comes to sex. I am thankful for that. Reading the posts is very eye opening for me. I honestly didn't realize the wide scope of problems that can crop up in relationships concerning sex. Through the years, this is one thing that we have not discussed openly with our family and friends. But I realize that sex is something that should be openly discussed. DrP has a huge viewing audience and I think this will be a good way to get the information out to all of us who need it or will experience problems sooner or later. 

 

 

 
March 10, 2008, 6:39 am CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: blueyes45

I am 55 and remarried in November of last year after being divorced for seven years, during which time I dated and was sexually active.  I knew my new husband from high school days and we reconnected when I moved back to my hometown and his wife had filed for divorce and moved to another city.  Our romance began in April of 2006.  I expected a normal sex life with him because we love each other very much.  However, I was shocked to find he is impotent.  We made a couple of attempts at intercours but, even though he said he had an orgasm, there was no semen.  He told me his doctor said there is such thing as a "dry" orgasm.  He also said the medication he takes for blood sugar, Metformin, prevents him from being able to take Viagra.   He visited his doctor and a urologist to have the issue checked out.  He claims there is nothing physically wrong with his body, it just doesn't respond as it should and the doctors can't do anything for him.  The subject was pretty much dropped.  Still, we love each other so much that we got married after being together for a year and a half.  Now I just feel sadness.  He is a wonderful man and I love him dearly.  But I am sad when I think that we can never physically express our love like normal couples do.  I miss the intimacy of making love, but I would never think of cheating on him.  Now I am not sure what to do.  I had a friend, my age, ask me if we necessarily needed anything more than love and companionship at our age.  Her point being that she saw nothing wrong with settling for a sexless relationship.  She lost her husband of 30 years to cancer just three years ago and hasn't really had the desire to date or move forward with her romantic life.  So I can understand how she might feel that I have all I need in a relationship.  I am no longer physically attracted to him and I feel guilty for that even though it wouldn't help if I was still attracted to him.  I'm not sure what will eventually happen to our relationship.  I have found, from past experience, that you may have good intentions in the beginning of making things work, but problems eventually wear on you.  Now what?

 

    Sex is remarkably adaptable.  Instead of concentrating on what you can not do, be happy for what you can. 

 
March 10, 2008, 6:54 am CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: dianeup

omg, this is almost a carbon copy of my life! If we have sex once a month, I would call it a miracle. my husband might as well ne married to the computer, because that is where he spends the majorityof his time. we are 45 yrs., and have been married 24. I am at the point now, where i could care less now. If i never had it again...who cares. I have been so aggravated over this, that  i finally decided, it wasn't worth if for me to get so stressed out. I have been so disappointed with so many things in my life, that one more thing, is no big deal

 

        He loves his computer?  Spends a lot of time on-line?  Doesn't want to have sex with you?  Try spying on him to see the sites he checks out.

 

       (If it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck,  and swims like a duck--you don't have to roast it to see if it tastes real good with plum sauce)

  

 
March 10, 2008, 7:12 am CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: inez47

I thought it might be interesting to make a contribution to this topic from another part of the world, the Netherlands. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. Our sexlife was great for the first few years of our marriage, but now, after 25 years, it's gone to pieces. The last time we had sex has been 7 years ago. It wasn't me that lacked interest in having sex, it was him, in a period of my life that all I wanted was to juice up our sexlife, that by that time wasn't too active anymore, all he did was reject me. I found out he had problems getting an erection, and tried talking to him about it. But everytime I brought the subject up, he felt reluctant talking about it. I suggested he went to our doctor, but he kept telling me there were no problems. I knew better though, because on the few occasions we did have sex back then, I noticed he just couldn't get an erection. Well, after about a year I stopped talking about it, and so did he. Now, 7 years later, we do sleep together, but sleep is all we get, there's no sex and hardly any intimacy. It was 5 years ago that I started seeing someone else. A man that had the same problems in his marriage. We see eachother about once a month, and I don't feel guilty about it. I think I have a right to meet my physical desires. We like eachother, we are close friends, and enjoy sex together. We don't consider our relationship a threat to our marriages. It made me wonder about sex and marriage though. Sex for me is a great way to relax, to forget about everyday issues, to me it's a physical need that I feel everybody has a right to experience in a way that makes you feel happy, whether it's once a day or once a week. AND whether it's with your husband or with someone else. Now, five years after I met my lover and dear friend, I'm in a position that I have more men in my life that feel the same way. Some call it polygamics (don't know if this is the correct translation?). Over here in the Netherlands people are much more relaxed towards having a 'free' sex life. Not everybody of course, but I meet people that feel the same way all the time. Though I'd like to discuss it with my husband, I keep it a secret for him, knowing he'd be hurt. I love my husband, that's out of the question, but as he can't or won't give it to me, and isn't willing to cope with what might be a simple physical problem, I feel I have the right to satisfy my sexual needs. To me, sex is a very important aspect of my life, and if my husband feels different about it, that's okay. I cannot change him, I can only accept the situation as it is and find my own way of coping with it and seek solutions. As Dr.Phil always says: you can't change what you don't acknowledge. As long as my husband doesn't acknowledge his problems, I nor he can change them, right? I'm happy with the life I live, my lovers are, and my husband is as well. To me sex is a wonderful way of relaxing, and I'm not bothered by guilt. I think if more people should feel that way, the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is now. The restriction we laid upon ourselves of having sex solely withIN a marriage, should be reconsidered I think. In my opinion marriage is great but shouldn't be so restricted. Why aren't we allowed to love and care for others also in a fysical aspect? Men and women aren't 'designed' that way, I'm deeply convinced about that.

 

   You don't live in the Netherlands.  You live in Happy La-La Land.  Sex is not recreational.  We don't do this for "fysical" relaxation.  We don't have a physical relationship, and then return to our marriage relieved.  Back and forth back and forth, guiltless. 

 

    Do you know what guilt is?  It is one of the four basic emotions.  Normal people deal with guilt every day of their lives.  Guilt is the knowledge that we have choices--that we could have chosen differently.  Guilt stops us from making decisions that have horrible consequences. 

 

 

 

 

 
March 10, 2008, 8:54 am CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: susielewes

Your letter could have been written by ME! I am also the one that wants to have a sex life, and when we discuss it, my husband says yes, he will be interested, BUT, he just doesn't think about it anymore, until I bring it up. It has been a year since we have tried, and it was wonderful and exciting at that time, and before that, it was almost three years.  I have told him time and again that we need to find help to get us straightened out (no pun intended!) and get back on the road to intimacy. He is an excellent friend, provider, husband (minus the sex), and he does have ED from his prostate cancer treatments. I try to be very understanding, but after I while it just gets me to angry, and then I tell him we could talk about it again, and again, and the response will be the same, so he should just remember all I have said it the past, and ditto it. I understand that he had cancer, I understand he has the mental block that he might not be able to perform, and I sympathize with that. What I cannot understand is that I have told him how I feel rejected, and hurt and lonely without him, and he still doesn't even make an attempt! I know, without a doubt that there is no one else. I trust him, and I know where he is and how to reach him, every second of every day. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would want to satisfy him in anyway that would not hurt me, just so that he would know he is loved so much, even after 24 years. He does have Cyalis (SP?) and has tried other ED meds, but they give him a terrible headache. He is also on testosterone, because he basically does not make it naturally. I can (and do) pleasure myself, but there is no satisfaction if what you are truly longing for is the love of your life touching you! I won't cheat, even though I feel cheated, and he knows it. I wish that he wasn't so secure in my love for him, that he would get concerned enough to approach this whole thing differently. He will not go to counseling with, or without me, because he was raised strict Catholic, and gets very uncomfortable, even talking sex with me. I recently sent through the Internet for a "cock" ring. I don't mean to be vulgar. That is the only way I have ever heard it addressed. When it arrives, I am hoping that he sees I am truly wanting this to work, and maybe even a little excited, knowing I bought this for "us".
Maybe I'm mis-reading your post, but it does suggest that you've been putting your husband under quite a lot of pressure to perform sexually, even to the point of ordering a cock ring. Nagging and pressure will not put you on the fast track to a great sex life with your husband. I suggest you ease up on him. If you want your sex life to have a chance.
 
March 10, 2008, 9:48 am CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: derevna33

 

   You don't live in the Netherlands.  You live in Happy La-La Land.  Sex is not recreational.  We don't do this for "fysical" relaxation.  We don't have a physical relationship, and then return to our marriage relieved.  Back and forth back and forth, guiltless. 

 

    Do you know what guilt is?  It is one of the four basic emotions.  Normal people deal with guilt every day of their lives.  Guilt is the knowledge that we have choices--that we could have chosen differently.  Guilt stops us from making decisions that have horrible consequences. 

 

 

 

 

Those, with what the Bible calls a seared conscience, are no longer capable of feeling guilt. I suspect. But, what can you expect, in a country that glorifies "anything goes" sexual promiscuity? BTW, Holland isn't the only country like this. So are the Scandinavian countries. With Sweden leading the pack..
 
March 10, 2008, 9:50 am CDT

What I think...

Quote From: twoflowers

My s/o and I have both been totally different as far as sex drive from the first day we met 5 years ago.  I am the female in this relationship and my sex drive has always been strong and his once a month if I'm lucky!  I've never had to live feeling so unwanted, he isn't the touchy feely type of warm guy (why am I with him good question!), no hugs, no kisses just words of affection and dedication.  I believe the reason we are together is not sexual it is intellectual.  We liked one another at the very beginning and still because we both are on the same planet let's put it that way when we have conversations and communicate.  That part is fine but when it comes to sex he just isn't a physical type of man.  I honestly was taken aback by him during our very first date because after the date all he did was walk me to my car, kiss the back of my hand, told me how much he enjoyed my company and can he call me again?  Have ever heard this HECK NO!  This made him different.  He did not do the typical come back to my place or your place.  Or your so HOT baby I'd love to get my hands on you routine, he was an actual gentleman,  Those I did not think existed anymore because when I dated I got the let's go you hot mama scenario and not the gentleman.  I liked the gentleman much better and we had "intercourse" of the brain let's put it that way.  The physical part I miss so much, but I can't get through to him that he does not meet my needs.  It almost seems like he is like a little boy discussing the subject when I bring it up.  Plus when sex actually does happen, it is so basic and ordinary that I don't even like it with him.  He is of the mindset that the man is the one to be satisfied and if the woman does so be it but it is up to HER to accomplish it.  WRONG.  There is my dilemma.  I would love to hear your take on "intellectual intercourse" and about 6 times a year physical sex.

Thank you.

 

It sounds to me like you both have different needs and want different things.  Intellectual intercourse doesn't meet your physical needs, even if it's just one way to connect. 

 

How do you mean he's like a little boy when you discuss it?  Does he think it's dirty or not understand about the emotional aspect of it?  It sounds like he has some negative pre-conceptions about sex, or was he raised in a home where sex was "dirty" or know about how to "give and take" in a relationship?  I don't know, but if he doesn't care about meeting your physical/emotional needs, that's something to consider.

 
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