Topic : 03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: inez47

I thought it might be interesting to make a contribution to this topic from another part of the world, the Netherlands. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. Our sexlife was great for the first few years of our marriage, but now, after 25 years, it's gone to pieces. The last time we had sex has been 7 years ago. It wasn't me that lacked interest in having sex, it was him, in a period of my life that all I wanted was to juice up our sexlife, that by that time wasn't too active anymore, all he did was reject me. I found out he had problems getting an erection, and tried talking to him about it. But everytime I brought the subject up, he felt reluctant talking about it. I suggested he went to our doctor, but he kept telling me there were no problems. I knew better though, because on the few occasions we did have sex back then, I noticed he just couldn't get an erection. Well, after about a year I stopped talking about it, and so did he. Now, 7 years later, we do sleep together, but sleep is all we get, there's no sex and hardly any intimacy. It was 5 years ago that I started seeing someone else. A man that had the same problems in his marriage. We see eachother about once a month, and I don't feel guilty about it. I think I have a right to meet my physical desires. We like eachother, we are close friends, and enjoy sex together. We don't consider our relationship a threat to our marriages. It made me wonder about sex and marriage though. Sex for me is a great way to relax, to forget about everyday issues, to me it's a physical need that I feel everybody has a right to experience in a way that makes you feel happy, whether it's once a day or once a week. AND whether it's with your husband or with someone else. Now, five years after I met my lover and dear friend, I'm in a position that I have more men in my life that feel the same way. Some call it polygamics (don't know if this is the correct translation?). Over here in the Netherlands people are much more relaxed towards having a 'free' sex life. Not everybody of course, but I meet people that feel the same way all the time. Though I'd like to discuss it with my husband, I keep it a secret for him, knowing he'd be hurt. I love my husband, that's out of the question, but as he can't or won't give it to me, and isn't willing to cope with what might be a simple physical problem, I feel I have the right to satisfy my sexual needs. To me, sex is a very important aspect of my life, and if my husband feels different about it, that's okay. I cannot change him, I can only accept the situation as it is and find my own way of coping with it and seek solutions. As Dr.Phil always says: you can't change what you don't acknowledge. As long as my husband doesn't acknowledge his problems, I nor he can change them, right? I'm happy with the life I live, my lovers are, and my husband is as well. To me sex is a wonderful way of relaxing, and I'm not bothered by guilt. I think if more people should feel that way, the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is now. The restriction we laid upon ourselves of having sex solely withIN a marriage, should be reconsidered I think. In my opinion marriage is great but shouldn't be so restricted. Why aren't we allowed to love and care for others also in a fysical aspect? Men and women aren't 'designed' that way, I'm deeply convinced about that.

Quote From: ramair

Maybe I'm mis-reading your post, but it does suggest that you've been putting your husband under quite a lot of pressure to perform sexually, even to the point of ordering a cock ring. Nagging and pressure will not put you on the fast track to a great sex life with your husband. I suggest you ease up on him. If you want your sex life to have a chance.

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

  Despite my moral objections, I still think its a bad idea.  A big problem with the affairs is that they don't solve the problem with your husband.  He'll still have that sexual dysfunction and maybe he's just embarrased about it, too.  I hope you emphasized how important sex is to you to him and insist that he see a doctor.  Who knows, he may be having an affair also, which may explain his lack of interest (or lack of acknowledgement), you never know unless you deal with it.

 

Second, I think you can go into a sexual relationship and not intend to form an emotional attachment.  If you do, I think it can devastate your marriage.  Before you know it, youre having an emotional as well as physical affair.  For me, I have to feel something about the person I have sex with, I can't just do it on cue.  There has to be an emotional basis to it.

 

Third, I think youre putting your own health at risk.  The more sexual partners you have, the more vigilant you have to be to prevent STD's and pregnancy.  Then, your husband will start to ask questions if you get pregnant and you haven't had sex in years, unless he's doesn't care. 

 

Those are just my thoughts on it, and I hope you can solve this problem instead of throwing away a good marriage.  All marriages take work.  Good luck, and I hope you can meet your needs without hurting your husband.

Quote From: ramair

Yepper, I mis-read you.
Sounds like your husband doesn't eat right. That could have something to do with his ED. High BP and cholesterol can prevent sufficient blood flow for an erection.
You say he uses Cialis? Has he tried viagra? My husband used that until his insurance quit paying for it. He liked it better than the Levitra his insurance started covering. But, it only works on an empty stomach.
Does your husband "pleasure" you sexually, in ways other than intercourse? I wish mine did. He takes a pill. Then, as soon as it's working, he skips the foreplay, gets started and only "lasts" a few minutes. Not nearly long enough for an orgasm.

Quote From: ramair

Great post. You make many good points. But, I suspect, it's all lost on inez47. Where she's from, the Netherlands, takes a very casual view of adultery and other forms of sexual promiscuity. In fact, most of Scandinavia, especially Sweden, is this way. In fact, in at least one of these counties, sex with children, even one's own, is legal.

Quote From: inez47

I thought it might be interesting to make a contribution to this topic from another part of the world, the Netherlands. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. Our sexlife was great for the first few years of our marriage, but now, after 25 years, it's gone to pieces. The last time we had sex has been 7 years ago. It wasn't me that lacked interest in having sex, it was him, in a period of my life that all I wanted was to juice up our sexlife, that by that time wasn't too active anymore, all he did was reject me. I found out he had problems getting an erection, and tried talking to him about it. But everytime I brought the subject up, he felt reluctant talking about it. I suggested he went to our doctor, but he kept telling me there were no problems. I knew better though, because on the few occasions we did have sex back then, I noticed he just couldn't get an erection. Well, after about a year I stopped talking about it, and so did he. Now, 7 years later, we do sleep together, but sleep is all we get, there's no sex and hardly any intimacy. It was 5 years ago that I started seeing someone else. A man that had the same problems in his marriage. We see eachother about once a month, and I don't feel guilty about it. I think I have a right to meet my physical desires. We like eachother, we are close friends, and enjoy sex together. We don't consider our relationship a threat to our marriages. It made me wonder about sex and marriage though. Sex for me is a great way to relax, to forget about everyday issues, to me it's a physical need that I feel everybody has a right to experience in a way that makes you feel happy, whether it's once a day or once a week. AND whether it's with your husband or with someone else. Now, five years after I met my lover and dear friend, I'm in a position that I have more men in my life that feel the same way. Some call it polygamics (don't know if this is the correct translation?). Over here in the Netherlands people are much more relaxed towards having a 'free' sex life. Not everybody of course, but I meet people that feel the same way all the time. Though I'd like to discuss it with my husband, I keep it a secret for him, knowing he'd be hurt. I love my husband, that's out of the question, but as he can't or won't give it to me, and isn't willing to cope with what might be a simple physical problem, I feel I have the right to satisfy my sexual needs. To me, sex is a very important aspect of my life, and if my husband feels different about it, that's okay. I cannot change him, I can only accept the situation as it is and find my own way of coping with it and seek solutions. As Dr.Phil always says: you can't change what you don't acknowledge. As long as my husband doesn't acknowledge his problems, I nor he can change them, right? I'm happy with the life I live, my lovers are, and my husband is as well. To me sex is a wonderful way of relaxing, and I'm not bothered by guilt. I think if more people should feel that way, the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is now. The restriction we laid upon ourselves of having sex solely withIN a marriage, should be reconsidered I think. In my opinion marriage is great but shouldn't be so restricted. Why aren't we allowed to love and care for others also in a fysical aspect? Men and women aren't 'designed' that way, I'm deeply convinced about that.

Quote From: ramair

Those, with what the Bible calls a seared conscience, are no longer capable of feeling guilt. I suspect. But, what can you expect, in a country that glorifies "anything goes" sexual promiscuity? BTW, Holland isn't the only country like this. So are the Scandinavian countries. With Sweden leading the pack..

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

One of my mom's friend's daughters married a European.  She said they don't get divorced often, but they just have a lot of affairs.  That's part of the reason the divorce rate is so low.  Also, many countries in Europe have a rich Catholic history, and Catholicism frowns on divorce...I think it just evolved into a cultural laisez faire attitude towards extra-marital sex, as long as youre not divorced.  I don't know, just one theory.