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Topic : 03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

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Created on : Friday, March 07, 2008, 11:34:24 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Over 50 percent of men and only 19 percent of women say they think about it several times a day. On the average, you do it almost 100 times a year. No, you don’t have a dirty mind – the topic is SEX! With the help of renowned OB/GYN Lisa Masterson, Dr. Phil tackles sex issues, and you might be surprised at how much you can relate! First up, Jason says his wife, Sylvia, has two personalities: Sylvia the 6th grade school teacher and Sylvia the sex maniac. Can the couple find a happy medium with what goes on in their bedroom? Then, Robin and Tom have been engaged for four years but haven’t set a wedding date. Tom says there’s something his betrothed won’t do that’s keeping him from saying, "I do." Can Dr. Masterson help Robin rescue her relationship? Next, statistics show that nearly 10 percent of women never have an orgasm through sexual activity. Becki says she had her first -- and last -- in 1998. Could her problem be biological? Be there when she hears her test results after a full examination. And, meet a couple who says they have sex up to six times a day. Is there such a thing as too much? Plus, Dr. Masterson answers your most embarrassing questions about sex. Join the discussion.

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March 10, 2008, 11:48 am CDT

Affairs...

Quote From: inez47

I thought it might be interesting to make a contribution to this topic from another part of the world, the Netherlands. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. Our sexlife was great for the first few years of our marriage, but now, after 25 years, it's gone to pieces. The last time we had sex has been 7 years ago. It wasn't me that lacked interest in having sex, it was him, in a period of my life that all I wanted was to juice up our sexlife, that by that time wasn't too active anymore, all he did was reject me. I found out he had problems getting an erection, and tried talking to him about it. But everytime I brought the subject up, he felt reluctant talking about it. I suggested he went to our doctor, but he kept telling me there were no problems. I knew better though, because on the few occasions we did have sex back then, I noticed he just couldn't get an erection. Well, after about a year I stopped talking about it, and so did he. Now, 7 years later, we do sleep together, but sleep is all we get, there's no sex and hardly any intimacy. It was 5 years ago that I started seeing someone else. A man that had the same problems in his marriage. We see eachother about once a month, and I don't feel guilty about it. I think I have a right to meet my physical desires. We like eachother, we are close friends, and enjoy sex together. We don't consider our relationship a threat to our marriages. It made me wonder about sex and marriage though. Sex for me is a great way to relax, to forget about everyday issues, to me it's a physical need that I feel everybody has a right to experience in a way that makes you feel happy, whether it's once a day or once a week. AND whether it's with your husband or with someone else. Now, five years after I met my lover and dear friend, I'm in a position that I have more men in my life that feel the same way. Some call it polygamics (don't know if this is the correct translation?). Over here in the Netherlands people are much more relaxed towards having a 'free' sex life. Not everybody of course, but I meet people that feel the same way all the time. Though I'd like to discuss it with my husband, I keep it a secret for him, knowing he'd be hurt. I love my husband, that's out of the question, but as he can't or won't give it to me, and isn't willing to cope with what might be a simple physical problem, I feel I have the right to satisfy my sexual needs. To me, sex is a very important aspect of my life, and if my husband feels different about it, that's okay. I cannot change him, I can only accept the situation as it is and find my own way of coping with it and seek solutions. As Dr.Phil always says: you can't change what you don't acknowledge. As long as my husband doesn't acknowledge his problems, I nor he can change them, right? I'm happy with the life I live, my lovers are, and my husband is as well. To me sex is a wonderful way of relaxing, and I'm not bothered by guilt. I think if more people should feel that way, the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is now. The restriction we laid upon ourselves of having sex solely withIN a marriage, should be reconsidered I think. In my opinion marriage is great but shouldn't be so restricted. Why aren't we allowed to love and care for others also in a fysical aspect? Men and women aren't 'designed' that way, I'm deeply convinced about that.

 

  Despite my moral objections, I still think its a bad idea.  A big problem with the affairs is that they don't solve the problem with your husband.  He'll still have that sexual dysfunction and maybe he's just embarrased about it, too.  I hope you emphasized how important sex is to you to him and insist that he see a doctor.  Who knows, he may be having an affair also, which may explain his lack of interest (or lack of acknowledgement), you never know unless you deal with it.

 

Second, I think you can go into a sexual relationship and not intend to form an emotional attachment.  If you do, I think it can devastate your marriage.  Before you know it, youre having an emotional as well as physical affair.  For me, I have to feel something about the person I have sex with, I can't just do it on cue.  There has to be an emotional basis to it.

 

Third, I think youre putting your own health at risk.  The more sexual partners you have, the more vigilant you have to be to prevent STD's and pregnancy.  Then, your husband will start to ask questions if you get pregnant and you haven't had sex in years, unless he's doesn't care. 

 

Those are just my thoughts on it, and I hope you can solve this problem instead of throwing away a good marriage.  All marriages take work.  Good luck, and I hope you can meet your needs without hurting your husband.

 
March 10, 2008, 12:55 pm CDT

No, you are misreading it

Quote From: ramair

Maybe I'm mis-reading your post, but it does suggest that you've been putting your husband under quite a lot of pressure to perform sexually, even to the point of ordering a cock ring. Nagging and pressure will not put you on the fast track to a great sex life with your husband. I suggest you ease up on him. If you want your sex life to have a chance.
No pressure on the hubby at all. I haven't raised the question of if or when in over a month! I never, ever nag him about anything, unless telling him to eat something today, was a nag? He didn't get the "ring" yet, and if he isn't liking that idea, it will go. I never, ever pressure him, unless it is regarding his health. I want him here for many more years to come. I LOVE THAT MAN!
 
March 10, 2008, 2:30 pm CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: susielewes

No pressure on the hubby at all. I haven't raised the question of if or when in over a month! I never, ever nag him about anything, unless telling him to eat something today, was a nag? He didn't get the "ring" yet, and if he isn't liking that idea, it will go. I never, ever pressure him, unless it is regarding his health. I want him here for many more years to come. I LOVE THAT MAN!
Yepper, I mis-read you.
Sounds like your husband doesn't eat right. That could have something to do with his ED. High BP and cholesterol can prevent sufficient blood flow for an erection.
You say he uses Cialis? Has he tried viagra? My husband used that until his insurance quit paying for it. He liked it better than the Levitra his insurance started covering. But, it only works on an empty stomach.
Does your husband "pleasure" you sexually, in ways other than intercourse? I wish mine did. He takes a pill. Then, as soon as it's working, he skips the foreplay, gets started and only "lasts" a few minutes. Not nearly long enough for an orgasm.


 
March 10, 2008, 2:43 pm CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

  Despite my moral objections, I still think its a bad idea.  A big problem with the affairs is that they don't solve the problem with your husband.  He'll still have that sexual dysfunction and maybe he's just embarrased about it, too.  I hope you emphasized how important sex is to you to him and insist that he see a doctor.  Who knows, he may be having an affair also, which may explain his lack of interest (or lack of acknowledgement), you never know unless you deal with it.

 

Second, I think you can go into a sexual relationship and not intend to form an emotional attachment.  If you do, I think it can devastate your marriage.  Before you know it, youre having an emotional as well as physical affair.  For me, I have to feel something about the person I have sex with, I can't just do it on cue.  There has to be an emotional basis to it.

 

Third, I think youre putting your own health at risk.  The more sexual partners you have, the more vigilant you have to be to prevent STD's and pregnancy.  Then, your husband will start to ask questions if you get pregnant and you haven't had sex in years, unless he's doesn't care. 

 

Those are just my thoughts on it, and I hope you can solve this problem instead of throwing away a good marriage.  All marriages take work.  Good luck, and I hope you can meet your needs without hurting your husband.

Great post. You make many good points. But, I suspect, it's all lost on inez47. Where she's from, the Netherlands, takes a very casual view of adultery and other forms of sexual promiscuity. In fact, most of Scandinavia, especially Sweden, is this way. In fact, in at least one of these counties, sex with children, even one's own, is legal.
 
March 10, 2008, 4:28 pm CDT

No pleasuring!

Quote From: ramair

Yepper, I mis-read you.
Sounds like your husband doesn't eat right. That could have something to do with his ED. High BP and cholesterol can prevent sufficient blood flow for an erection.
You say he uses Cialis? Has he tried viagra? My husband used that until his insurance quit paying for it. He liked it better than the Levitra his insurance started covering. But, it only works on an empty stomach.
Does your husband "pleasure" you sexually, in ways other than intercourse? I wish mine did. He takes a pill. Then, as soon as it's working, he skips the foreplay, gets started and only "lasts" a few minutes. Not nearly long enough for an orgasm.


Hi! I wanted to response to your last post. My husband is not one to miss fruits or veggies at all, if he doesn't have them, has had testicular cancer, prostate cancer, and has three (last counted!) brain tunors. So, yes, he does have major health issues, and, if he couldn't get an erection at all, even with the meds, I would be even more laid back about not having sex with him. However, where I get into a real problem is when he says he doesn't even think about having sex, and he does acknowledge that I feel rejected and unwanted after time.... yet he makes no attempts at all. He has tried Levitra, and Viagra, but ended up with Cialis. He also doesn't get it, that I need him to be close to me, physically naked, skin on skin, and he doesn't get that even without intercourse, he COULD still pleasure me, which no, he does not. So, I don't want to ever give up on him, but I think I probably will just accept that this is the way it is going to have to be. It makes me sad to think that way, but sometimes you just can't have it your way, and if I have to live without sex and keep my hubby here for more years, that is the way I will take him. It is just nice to have a place to go and talk, and say what you are truly feeling.
 
March 10, 2008, 4:44 pm CDT

European sex

Quote From: ramair

Great post. You make many good points. But, I suspect, it's all lost on inez47. Where she's from, the Netherlands, takes a very casual view of adultery and other forms of sexual promiscuity. In fact, most of Scandinavia, especially Sweden, is this way. In fact, in at least one of these counties, sex with children, even one's own, is legal.

 

One of my mom's friend's daughters married a European.  She said they don't get divorced often, but they just have a lot of affairs.  That's part of the reason the divorce rate is so low.  Also, many countries in Europe have a rich Catholic history, and Catholicism frowns on divorce...I think it just evolved into a cultural laisez faire attitude towards extra-marital sex, as long as youre not divorced.  I don't know, just one theory.

 
March 10, 2008, 11:43 pm CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: inez47

I thought it might be interesting to make a contribution to this topic from another part of the world, the Netherlands. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. Our sexlife was great for the first few years of our marriage, but now, after 25 years, it's gone to pieces. The last time we had sex has been 7 years ago. It wasn't me that lacked interest in having sex, it was him, in a period of my life that all I wanted was to juice up our sexlife, that by that time wasn't too active anymore, all he did was reject me. I found out he had problems getting an erection, and tried talking to him about it. But everytime I brought the subject up, he felt reluctant talking about it. I suggested he went to our doctor, but he kept telling me there were no problems. I knew better though, because on the few occasions we did have sex back then, I noticed he just couldn't get an erection. Well, after about a year I stopped talking about it, and so did he. Now, 7 years later, we do sleep together, but sleep is all we get, there's no sex and hardly any intimacy. It was 5 years ago that I started seeing someone else. A man that had the same problems in his marriage. We see eachother about once a month, and I don't feel guilty about it. I think I have a right to meet my physical desires. We like eachother, we are close friends, and enjoy sex together. We don't consider our relationship a threat to our marriages. It made me wonder about sex and marriage though. Sex for me is a great way to relax, to forget about everyday issues, to me it's a physical need that I feel everybody has a right to experience in a way that makes you feel happy, whether it's once a day or once a week. AND whether it's with your husband or with someone else. Now, five years after I met my lover and dear friend, I'm in a position that I have more men in my life that feel the same way. Some call it polygamics (don't know if this is the correct translation?). Over here in the Netherlands people are much more relaxed towards having a 'free' sex life. Not everybody of course, but I meet people that feel the same way all the time. Though I'd like to discuss it with my husband, I keep it a secret for him, knowing he'd be hurt. I love my husband, that's out of the question, but as he can't or won't give it to me, and isn't willing to cope with what might be a simple physical problem, I feel I have the right to satisfy my sexual needs. To me, sex is a very important aspect of my life, and if my husband feels different about it, that's okay. I cannot change him, I can only accept the situation as it is and find my own way of coping with it and seek solutions. As Dr.Phil always says: you can't change what you don't acknowledge. As long as my husband doesn't acknowledge his problems, I nor he can change them, right? I'm happy with the life I live, my lovers are, and my husband is as well. To me sex is a wonderful way of relaxing, and I'm not bothered by guilt. I think if more people should feel that way, the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is now. The restriction we laid upon ourselves of having sex solely withIN a marriage, should be reconsidered I think. In my opinion marriage is great but shouldn't be so restricted. Why aren't we allowed to love and care for others also in a fysical aspect? Men and women aren't 'designed' that way, I'm deeply convinced about that.
Your husband has a right to know what you are doing since you share the implied possibility of sexual relations, even though you aren't having them. He has a right to know what you MAY be bringing to the table, that includes STD's and other issues that could arise.  While he may not care that you are having an affair he has a right to know.

You say you love your husband, you say you know he'd be hurt. Well you ARE hurting him. You are making a fool of him. That's not nice.

GET PERMISSION....if he doesn't agree then maybe you should divorce.

You have a right to your personal happiness, but not at someone else's expense.

I agree with you when it comes to the "what should be" of sex....but the fact is, not everyone is that way and that is OK. Each person views sex differently, and that is OK.

It doesn't matter if you convince anyone on these boards that your affairs are ok...the only person it matters to is your husband, who, despite his problems sounds like a nice and loving man.

Again, HE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW. Your affair IS hurting someone, because he is walking around believing a lie because you insist on making him into a fool.

I am an atheist, so this isn't some religious response. I firmly believe that open marriages are ok when all adults are CONSENTING. Your husband is NOT consenting to this.

You need to come clean and stop eating your cake and having sex with it too.
 
March 11, 2008, 12:00 pm CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: ramair

Those, with what the Bible calls a seared conscience, are no longer capable of feeling guilt. I suspect. But, what can you expect, in a country that glorifies "anything goes" sexual promiscuity? BTW, Holland isn't the only country like this. So are the Scandinavian countries. With Sweden leading the pack..

 

      Guiltless people are also psychopaths, sociopaths, antisocial--whatever the current phrase is. 

      I refuse to blame whole countries. This type of national labeling  makes it easier to justify the unjustifiable.  "It isn't my fault I was busted for soliciting a prostitute!  In more "enlightened" areas--like Holland--it is a legal business."  We spend more time arguing about their European enlightenment than our own responsibility for our actions.  

 
March 11, 2008, 2:15 pm CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: susielewes

Hi! I wanted to response to your last post. My husband is not one to miss fruits or veggies at all, if he doesn't have them, has had testicular cancer, prostate cancer, and has three (last counted!) brain tunors. So, yes, he does have major health issues, and, if he couldn't get an erection at all, even with the meds, I would be even more laid back about not having sex with him. However, where I get into a real problem is when he says he doesn't even think about having sex, and he does acknowledge that I feel rejected and unwanted after time.... yet he makes no attempts at all. He has tried Levitra, and Viagra, but ended up with Cialis. He also doesn't get it, that I need him to be close to me, physically naked, skin on skin, and he doesn't get that even without intercourse, he COULD still pleasure me, which no, he does not. So, I don't want to ever give up on him, but I think I probably will just accept that this is the way it is going to have to be. It makes me sad to think that way, but sometimes you just can't have it your way, and if I have to live without sex and keep my hubby here for more years, that is the way I will take him. It is just nice to have a place to go and talk, and say what you are truly feeling.
You husband, and mine, are on the same page. Can't think outside the box.  Mine just doesn't  seem to realize that there's a whole realm of sexual activity outside of intercourse. I've learned to pleasure myself. It's not quite the same, but  I do enjoy it.
 
March 11, 2008, 2:20 pm CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

One of my mom's friend's daughters married a European.  She said they don't get divorced often, but they just have a lot of affairs.  That's part of the reason the divorce rate is so low.  Also, many countries in Europe have a rich Catholic history, and Catholicism frowns on divorce...I think it just evolved into a cultural laisez faire attitude towards extra-marital sex, as long as youre not divorced.  I don't know, just one theory.

Yours is a right-on theory. In Catholic countries, especially Italy, where divorce is illegal, infidelity, on the husband's part , is almost a given. Funny how European Catholicism condemns divorce, but winks at adultery.
 
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