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March 19, 2008, 4:01 pm PDT
about self-help
Quote From: Sioux2462
When I grew up, my grandmother would always tell me "men come and go, but your children are your children forever". I didn't understand what she meant at the time, now I do, but my daughter doesn't.
(By the way, my mother abandoned me for "her man"). I have been a professional for 18 years, and am ashamed to be in this terrible situation. My daughter receives support from the government, but t he government money supports my daughter and "her man". The children are a meal ticket for their "love".
As I sit here typing, I am listening to vintage Billy Holiday, and the recurring themes are "me and my man" "he beats me" "I am on my knees" "whatever my my man is, I am his forever more" "my man, I love him so"...etc.... clearly, this is not a new sickness. All for "the man she loves". Is that not sick? An adult who will trade everything in life for the "current" man that treats her like crap. It is mental illness that apparently is like a sunami, no warning, no where to run, and no hope that the grandchildren will survive until she is dead or incarcerated for life.
I do not understand why my daughter has chosen to remain in habitual abusive relationships, as this was not in her upbringing. When this started, I remained of the "tough love" position ( I was punished by denial of seeing the oldest grandson because I refused to fork over money). I watched her father (my ex) enable her behavior/actions, and now there are 2 grandchildren at stake, neither of which chose her lifestyle options. I have been through the legal route with the first grandchild. The legal system does not protect the children and my financial security was devestated, my career jeopardized, and I walked away from my true love (the drama was too stressful).
Now, with the second grandchild (second man), it looks my daughter still has not changed, except that I am alone to carry the burden. I will not jeopardize anymore of my financial security, (my career).... so I wait and try to protect my grandchildren from this sickness as much as I can. I try to hide my exhaustion and frustration from the children. I am physically tired. I "take care" of my grandchildren 80 % of the time. No money to her, just safe haven for the kids. I am seeing no positive resolution to her behavior and the trauma it brings to my grandchildren.
Yet, I must live for at least 20 more years, so that I can raise my grandchildren and continue to pick up the pieces, as I anticipated that my daughter will be dead before I die.... killed by an abusive boyfriend and/or will be incarcerated. I must candidly admit that I would be relieved if she were dead, as then my grandchildren would be free from this sickness that she brings to our life. Is that not sick also?
So, as I send this letter out to the cosmos..I expect nothing to change. But, if by some chance there is a way to stop this sickness...please share it with me. I saw the list of "self help" books for this situation but can only read one...so which one??
1st, before you read any book, please realize you have nothing to be ashamed of. even though this is your daughter, she is an adult and responsible for her own choices. even if you think you did something in childrearing to lead to this situation, she has had plenty of time (2 relationships and 2 kids' worth of time) to think things over and change her ways. your grandchildren are very lucky to have you there for them. i think, instead of being ashamed, you should take pride in what you are doing for them. clearly, your daughter is like your mom and you are giving your grandchildren the love and care that i imagine your grandmother gave to you.
i don't blame you for trying tough love at 1st -- and i don't blame you for relenting later on b/c of the kids. one of the problems with tough love, as you have seen, is that the son or daughter can "strike back," especially if he/she is an adult and/or "has the grandkids." your are doiing your best. you can't change your daughter or make up for her mistakes and you aren't expected to. please continue to be there for your grandkids, but perhaps you can enlist some help from a friend, neighbor, another relative? or your daughter could get some childcare help from the governement just as she gets money? i'm sure they do that sort of thing, but it may depend on the state. you need some days off from childcare.
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Are you in love with being in love? Do you jump from relationship to relationship because you can’t stand the thought of being single? Dr. Phil’s first guest, Dawn, says she definitely fits this description. The 42-year-old says she’s been hopping from guy to guy since she was 14, has been married and divorced four times and is now in a three-year relationship and feeling the itch. Dawn’s current boyfriend, Paul, feels like he's being used and says he’s not ready to be her fifth ex-husband! Kurtis, Dawn’s 22-year-old son, says it’s high time his mom settled down. Is Paul really Dawn's true love or should he pack his things and hit the road? Then, Joanne says her cousin, Theresa, is obsessed with her boyfriend, Ken. Joanne and Theresa’s sister, Christine, say Ken is mentally abusive, but no matter what he does, Theresa keeps going back for more. They say Ken threw Theresa, her kids and all their belongings out on the front yard for the entire neighborhood to see, and she still took him back. Joanne and Christine aren’t the only ones who dislike Ken. Theresa’s mom says she can’t stand him either -- to the point where she hasn’t spoken to her daughter in nearly two years! Theresa says she just can’t live without her man, and her relatives will have to deal with their relationship. Don’t miss Dr. Phil’s plan for mending this broken family and talk about the show here.
