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Topic : 03/24 "You're Not Who I Married"

Number of Replies: 101
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, March 20, 2008, 12:37:47 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
When you walk down the aisle and say "I do," you look forward to a life of wedded bliss. But what if your bride or groom turned into your worst nightmare? Trish and Matt say their wedding day two years ago was full of love, joy and hope, but just months into the marriage, Trish became full of rage. She lashes out at her husband up to 15 times a day, and their physical fights often occur in front of their two young children. What's really at the root of Trish's rage, and should this couple ever have gotten married? Then, Tracy says when her husband, Shawn, lost 350 pounds, she lost her sweet, humorous spouse, and their five kids lost their loving father. She says Shawn is now an angry man obsessed with his appearance. Why do they both say that if they had met today, they would never have married? And what must Shawn do to get this marriage back on track? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 23, 2008, 8:35 am CDT

I would think he lost all that weight...

Quote From: oldbdynumind

Why did Shawn lose that much weight?   Since he is so weight conscious and is obscessed with his appearance, my guess is  that he is having an affair. 

Because he was morbidly, obese, heck way more than morbidly obese and lost the weight because he didn't want to die..

 

What's wrong with that?

 

Why does she want him to be fatally overweight? An enabler?

 

Looking forward to "seeing" the show at the site, because we are about a year or more behind here with Dr. Phil on TV.

 
March 23, 2008, 12:40 pm CDT

In Shawn's Behalf

 

I am an older woman who has fought the weight battle most of my adult life, for various reasons.

 

It is my thought that many of us who have some kind of problem, whether weight or something else, tend to think that if we get that problem "fixed", our lives will become perfect, and everything we ever wanted will be available to us.

 

Then, if and when we are able to get the problem that we and everyone else around us have focused on for years fixed, and we do not become God/Goddess of the World, we tend to become angry!  After all, it seems as if we did all that hard work for nothing!  We still aren't rich, we still "get no respect!", we still aren't loved and adored by the whole world, we still don't get that ideal job that our "issue" had in the past been blamed for us not getting.

 

I doubt if he is having an affair, or that women are more appreciative of him than when n he was overweight.  In fact, I suspect the problem is that thy are not!  And that leaves him frustrated and angry.

 

It may not seem to him that his wife appreciates him any more than she did when he was fat, or that his kids are no more loving and obedient than when he was fat.  And that hurts and angers him deeply.

 

He may have gone through all the effort and struggle thinking by so doing he could buy the love of the world around him, and the fact that that didn't happen may have left  him bitter and angry.

 

It is possible that despite the heroic achievement of having lost 350 lbs, he may not yet have learned to love himself, and until he can do that, nothing will be enough.

 

My thoughts go with him.

 

Judith

 
March 23, 2008, 12:42 pm CDT

REPEATED INFIDELITY - MALE AND FEMALE

If you are with in a relationship with someone, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained.  You operate your life based on this expectation.  When your partner in the relationship does not or cannot make an emotional connection, the relationship becomes very painful.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight into personality types most capable of repeated infidelity are:

  

 

Why Is It Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss AND Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

 

Malignant Self Love:  Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin MAYBE The Professional Bachelors Dating Guide:  How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho by Dr Brett Tate

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland OR Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen AND Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

 

Healthy Boundaries Workbook: Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Set and Maintain Better Boundaries by Deborah Deiboldt Legge OR Overcoming Passive-Aggression by Tim Murphy and Loriann Oberlin

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

 

Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

 

 

Though harder to spot, emotional abuse is easier to deny.  But just as physical abuse has signposts to mark its presence, emotional abuse, being a systematic attack on one's sense of self, has common traits.  Physical abuse comes in degrees of severity - emotional abuse also runs the gamut of intensity and damage.

 

There are relationships, marriages and families that are so destructive the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  Make a promise to yourself to leave.  Leave so you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can learn to live a joyful, peaceful, trusting, and fulfilling life.

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

 
March 23, 2008, 1:12 pm CDT

I have that same feeling, too.

Quote From: oldbdynumind

Why did Shawn lose that much weight?   Since he is so weight conscious and is obscessed with his appearance, my guess is  that he is having an affair. 

I get that same kind of feeling, too. It is very possible that he has been having affairs on her because of that (& congrats to him on losing all of those pounds, by the way), & then gets away with it. I guess we'll have to wait tomorrow to find out.
 
March 23, 2008, 3:29 pm CDT

I'm the one on the show

Hey everyone, it's Trish.  The one on the episode "Youre not the one I married"

First off. Let me just point out that yes I do have problems, but doesnt everyone? I never surfaced HALF the problems that go on with us.  I never mentioned half the things he does to instigate the problems.  Regardless, since the show we have had our ups and downs, but regularly attend marriage counselling and for myself, psychology. It has helped better us as people, as parents, and as a couple. Marriage counselling does wonders for people, and I recommend it to anyone, even people without issues.  I love my husband, I love my children, and I would do anything for them.
 
March 23, 2008, 6:25 pm CDT

you're not who I married

 

Are you kidding me? Any two people who've not know each other for any length of time is always at risk.

When they tie the knot and haven't known each other under one year is scary.

My husband & I are the exception. We met on a blind date and were married six weeks later.  We've been married 28 yrs. in April. We have two great kids: Jeremy, 23 yrs. graduating  May '08 from UND (No. Dakota) and Amanda, 17 yrs. graduating 06/09  from Eagan Hi, Eagan, MN. with honors.

My husband and I still are trying to get to understand each other to this day. We did not know each other enough when we married. I wasn't ready to get married again but he told me that I couldn't go on the cruise (to the Caribbean)  if we were not getting married. I wanted to go so bad that I agreed.

we got married for all the wrong reasons but have made it the best as if it were planned. Our whole relationship has been an experiment. One that I have to tell you was well worth the experience.

 
March 23, 2008, 7:11 pm CDT

This is tracy

Quote From: manofgoods

I get that same kind of feeling, too. It is very possible that he has been having affairs on her because of that (& congrats to him on losing all of those pounds, by the way), & then gets away with it. I guess we'll have to wait tomorrow to find out.

To answer your question shawn had gastric bypass surgery and NO he is not having an affair. I have given him ample opportunity to get out of our marriage in a friendly way since he changed.

 
March 23, 2008, 7:26 pm CDT

This is tracy...

Quote From: judith64

 

I am an older woman who has fought the weight battle most of my adult life, for various reasons.

 

It is my thought that many of us who have some kind of problem, whether weight or something else, tend to think that if we get that problem "fixed", our lives will become perfect, and everything we ever wanted will be available to us.

 

Then, if and when we are able to get the problem that we and everyone else around us have focused on for years fixed, and we do not become God/Goddess of the World, we tend to become angry!  After all, it seems as if we did all that hard work for nothing!  We still aren't rich, we still "get no respect!", we still aren't loved and adored by the whole world, we still don't get that ideal job that our "issue" had in the past been blamed for us not getting.

 

I doubt if he is having an affair, or that women are more appreciative of him than when n he was overweight.  In fact, I suspect the problem is that thy are not!  And that leaves him frustrated and angry.

 

It may not seem to him that his wife appreciates him any more than she did when he was fat, or that his kids are no more loving and obedient than when he was fat.  And that hurts and angers him deeply.

 

He may have gone through all the effort and struggle thinking by so doing he could buy the love of the world around him, and the fact that that didn't happen may have left  him bitter and angry.

 

It is possible that despite the heroic achievement of having lost 350 lbs, he may not yet have learned to love himself, and until he can do that, nothing will be enough.

 

My thoughts go with him.

 

Judith

You are right on about Shawn not knowing himself and he has noooo problems with the ladies. I apprecieate Shawn more than ever because of his courage to even have the surgery. He was told at 32 nearly weighing 600lbs he had 2 yrs to live. Most doctors thought he would never survive the surgery. He did but change almost immediatley. As far as our kids go we adopted 5 children out of foster care. 3 are fetal alcohol, one was crack addicted and one was sexually abused. They are not the easiest children to raise. Pre surgery we worked as a team and now he's unplugged and I'm trying as best I can to hold our heads above water. Im not perfect and have made mistakes along the way. The only thing we can agree on is that we love eachother without condition. I knew pre surgery that losing the weight wasnt the magic fix. Shawn did not realize that . I married Shawn when he was overweight. People always told me that I would be a widow young. I didnt care about that. To know love for only a short time was better than to never know it at all. We are working on this. Its been slow going to get the resources we needed but they are somewhat in place now and we are working on it.
 
March 23, 2008, 7:33 pm CDT

This is Tracy... I was on this show

Shawn is the most amazing man that I have had the priviledge of knowing. He was told at 32 nearly weighing 600lbs he had 2 yrs to live. Most doctors thought he would never survive the surgery. He did but change almost immediatley. I personally still believe that some thing happened to Shawns brain during his surgery. Shawn has a a food addiction. As far as our kids go we adopted 5 children out of foster care. 3 are fetal alcohol, one was crack addicted and one was sexually abused. They are not the easiest children to raise. Pre surgery we worked as a team and now he's unplugged and I'm trying as best I can to hold our heads above water. Im not perfect and have made mistakes along the way and Im not proud of this. The only thing we can agree on is that we love each other without condition. I knew pre surgery that losing the weight wasnt the magic fix. Shawn did not realize that . I married Shawn when he was overweight. People always told me that I would be a widow young. I didnt care about that. To know love for only a short time was better than to never know it at all. We are working on this. Its been slow going to get the resources we needed but they are somewhat in place now and we are working on it
 
March 23, 2008, 8:31 pm CDT

This is Tracy and Shawn... I was on this show.

I also want everyone to know to keep an open mind. We were on the tail end of the show and it was very overwhelming for me so I didnt get to ask some things that I wanted to get out. Shawn and I do not want to discorage anyone from doing what he did to lose weight. If you have a good support system and get help as soon as the surgery is done you will have a better chance. Whether we make it or not the important thing is Shawn has a new lease on life and we have such wounderful children. We are truly blessed. We purposefully kept our kids out of the show because they have been through so much already. After we got home our house sold and that was the perfect time for both of us to part ways as friends and move on. We didnt. We purchase a new home 4 days later and decided to do anything we needed to do to stay together. We decided to stay together not because of the kids, staying for them would do more harm then good, we decided to do it because we love each other. We look forward to hearing what you have to say and we wish you would have been able to know more of what the whole story is. We hope someone out there benefits from our story. And to be perfectly clear I am very happy Shawn lost the weight. I am his biggest fan and I am not jealous of him or his weight loss. Also Shawn is NOT nor has he ever cheated on me and neither have I. He also likes the opposite sex for those that commented otherwise. I am happy that he has pride in himself that is well deserved. He is an inspiration to those out there that struggle with mobid obesity. But he needs to address his addicition to food, his depression, and getting coffee intake under control. I need to stop belittling him and make some long needed changes in my own life. He changed, I didnt. I have too if this is gonna work.

 
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