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Topic : 03/24 "You're Not Who I Married"

Number of Replies: 101
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Created on : Thursday, March 20, 2008, 12:37:47 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
When you walk down the aisle and say "I do," you look forward to a life of wedded bliss. But what if your bride or groom turned into your worst nightmare? Trish and Matt say their wedding day two years ago was full of love, joy and hope, but just months into the marriage, Trish became full of rage. She lashes out at her husband up to 15 times a day, and their physical fights often occur in front of their two young children. What's really at the root of Trish's rage, and should this couple ever have gotten married? Then, Tracy says when her husband, Shawn, lost 350 pounds, she lost her sweet, humorous spouse, and their five kids lost their loving father. She says Shawn is now an angry man obsessed with his appearance. Why do they both say that if they had met today, they would never have married? And what must Shawn do to get this marriage back on track? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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March 24, 2008, 11:41 am CDT

similar problem

Quote From: trishdemkiw85

Hey everyone, it's Trish.  The one on the episode "Youre not the one I married"

First off. Let me just point out that yes I do have problems, but doesnt everyone? I never surfaced HALF the problems that go on with us.  I never mentioned half the things he does to instigate the problems.  Regardless, since the show we have had our ups and downs, but regularly attend marriage counselling and for myself, psychology. It has helped better us as people, as parents, and as a couple. Marriage counselling does wonders for people, and I recommend it to anyone, even people without issues.  I love my husband, I love my children, and I would do anything for them.
I too had a rage problem that left my family in total fear.  It was like a total transformation that happened a few years after my youngest child was born.  I remember growing up with having my mother react the same way with horrible uncontrolled rage and I vowed I would never allow myself to be like that.   I too thought my husband's lack of emotional giving was the main problem.  Turns out I was way off.  I learned that my hormones were all out of wack.  I was placed on anti depressants to help with the mood rages and I went to counseling to help me stop trying to make my husband do what he really had never done with emotionals prior..  I guess if you really want someone to support you emotionally in the manor in hich you think you need, you should not tell him what you sort of demand, but show him how to do it.  It worked for me and I have been married for over 22 years to a wonderful guy. 
 
March 24, 2008, 12:52 pm CDT

I can relate to this couple

Wow this sounds just like my daughter and son in law. From their wedding day there has been fights. Now there are 4 kids involved (how that happened I'll never know) and it is affecting each and every one of them. The oldest calls me and cries on the phone about things bothering her, her self esteem is down as far as it can go. The next one is in her own little world, only happy in front of the computer or tv, the next acts out just to get attention, the youngest is very clingy. Their whole world is so chaotic on a daily basis, running here and there. These kids listen to their parents fighting and act out in certain ways but the parents won't admit they are the cause of it, they both live in complete denial that fighting in front of children affects them. I can see it in the oldest grandchild's eyes if she is visiting and the parents walk through the door, she is completely different, her eyes looking to the ground being very quiet. They just don't want to take responsibility for anything, including the medical issues that are involved in their family, their finances, their house looks like a pig sty. They practically hate each other but won't do anything about it.  But around other people, they sure put on a good act.

Just like Dr. Phil told the first couple "It is time to grow up" !! You chose this man, you made the choice to have 4 children, it is time to take responsibility and quit being selfish and living in denial. These kids are suffering and will become teenagers someday...then your trouble will start.  If your marriage is so bad, do something about it.

If I as a grandparent say anything,  they will hold that over my head and won't let me see the children.

 

 
March 24, 2008, 12:55 pm CDT

Husband has gotten bitter.

 My husband of 33 years has gotten bitter and negative about everything. I can see alot of his mother in him. He used to be alot of fun and had a good sense of humor. Now he sees the down side of everything. And how he will die soon (his dad died in his early 50's) so why bother doing things. I have talked and talked to him to try and get him to see the positive and he does perk up for a while. But, with our kids on their own and doing well I thought we would kind of rekindle the romance and travel a bit. It's like living with the Grinch. Any ideas on how to get him to go see the doctor and get a thorough checkup so he can see he is not at death's door?
 
March 24, 2008, 1:10 pm CDT

Changing...

I sure changed after a massive weight loss and change of body shape with surgery follow-up.  I was SO fortunate to have an AWESOME husband who walked with me every step of the way.  We chose to get some counseling to keep us on track with the "new" me in our relationship...I AM a new person and we BOTH have the right to "meet" that person and incorporate him into our shared life.  It's not about the physical changes only...our minds and souls change, too.
 
March 24, 2008, 1:15 pm CDT

Can relate to Shawn

I lost 200lbs with gastric bypass shortly after I got married.  I did change, I admit it.  I was not the insecure, self conscious person, with low self esteem, that I was before. Not only that, as Dr Phil said, I had to grieve the loss of food in my life.  I was significantly depressed for about 4 months.  Much of my husband's and my social life was related to eating, going out to dinner with friends, cooking, I didn't want to do that any more.  I didn't even want to hear people eat.  I became very neat. It just became difficult to live together.  We were not very understanding of each other's needs.

Like Dr Phil said  gastric bypass is NOT the easy way out.  There are a tremendous amount of adjustments to be made.  I only wish that Shawn can complete the process and have his skin removed too.  He deserves that too.  His wife just needs to be more understanding.
 
March 24, 2008, 1:22 pm CDT

a wonderful marriage

WELL I CAN SAY THAT SINCE MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF GOT MARRIED ALOT HAPPEND IN THE BEGINNING OF OUR MARRIAGE AND OUR RELATIONSHIP AND MARRIAGE IS BETTER NOW THAN IT WAS WHEN WE WERE DATING AND OUR CHILDREN CHANGED HIM FOR THE BETTER I COULD NOT ASK FOR A BETTER HUSBAND I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I MARRIED A MAN JUST LIKE MY DADDY....WHY CANT PEOPLE JUST TRY TO BE THE SAME AND EVEN A BETTER PERSON FOR YOUR CHILDREN
 
March 24, 2008, 1:35 pm CDT

You're not who I married

I just watched the show and I would marry her, rage and all.
 
March 24, 2008, 1:53 pm CDT

Sons can do the same while you raise them...CHANGE

I don't like what my son has become,however I will not take all the blame.He needs to get REAL and DEAL with Life. My son and I have had these ridiculous screaming matches and yes, I have dialed 911.

What's a mother to do? Can't wait for tomorrow's show!

 
March 24, 2008, 2:03 pm CDT

I can see your glow...

Quote From: morgansmommy

WELL I CAN SAY THAT SINCE MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF GOT MARRIED ALOT HAPPEND IN THE BEGINNING OF OUR MARRIAGE AND OUR RELATIONSHIP AND MARRIAGE IS BETTER NOW THAN IT WAS WHEN WE WERE DATING AND OUR CHILDREN CHANGED HIM FOR THE BETTER I COULD NOT ASK FOR A BETTER HUSBAND I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I MARRIED A MAN JUST LIKE MY DADDY....WHY CANT PEOPLE JUST TRY TO BE THE SAME AND EVEN A BETTER PERSON FOR YOUR CHILDREN
I wish I could find a man like my dad....then I could be happy like you.Not needing to get married to be happy..just for the experience .
 
March 24, 2008, 2:10 pm CDT

Trish & Tracy

Quote From: trishdemkiw85

Hey everyone, it's Trish.  The one on the episode "Youre not the one I married"

First off. Let me just point out that yes I do have problems, but doesnt everyone? I never surfaced HALF the problems that go on with us.  I never mentioned half the things he does to instigate the problems.  Regardless, since the show we have had our ups and downs, but regularly attend marriage counselling and for myself, psychology. It has helped better us as people, as parents, and as a couple. Marriage counselling does wonders for people, and I recommend it to anyone, even people without issues.  I love my husband, I love my children, and I would do anything for them.
Hi Trish! I'm glad you came along to talk to us.

The one thing I wanted to say about your situation is that I really think your husband should get over the fact that you went out with someone else while the two of you were dating. I don't even call that cheating because, how do you cheat against vows you have yet to make? Dating is *supposed* to be a time of getting to know different people and until you make that final decision and stand in a church before God and man -- well, I don't think anyone has the right to go ballistic on the other and certainly not to hold it over the other one's head after marriage.

I'm so glad you're getting counselling. I have anger issues, too and I've found that, surprisingly, learning to express my issues in a calmer, more appropriate way has been one of the easiest changes I've made in my life. I just wish I had learned how to express my feelings without waiting for an explosion when I was your age.
--------------

Tracy, I just wanted to say how pretty I think you are. The tone of the show seemed to be saying that now, that your husband had lost weight he was much better looking than you. Not so.

It's great that he is taking care of his health but I'm sorry the weight loss seems to have made him vain. Vanity, doesn't look good on anyone.
 
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