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Topic : 03/24 "You're Not Who I Married"

Number of Replies: 101
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Created on : Thursday, March 20, 2008, 12:37:47 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
When you walk down the aisle and say "I do," you look forward to a life of wedded bliss. But what if your bride or groom turned into your worst nightmare? Trish and Matt say their wedding day two years ago was full of love, joy and hope, but just months into the marriage, Trish became full of rage. She lashes out at her husband up to 15 times a day, and their physical fights often occur in front of their two young children. What's really at the root of Trish's rage, and should this couple ever have gotten married? Then, Tracy says when her husband, Shawn, lost 350 pounds, she lost her sweet, humorous spouse, and their five kids lost their loving father. She says Shawn is now an angry man obsessed with his appearance. Why do they both say that if they had met today, they would never have married? And what must Shawn do to get this marriage back on track? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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March 24, 2008, 2:21 pm CDT

Husband Changed Big Time!

While my 58 year old husband and I were separated, he had his penis, nipples, belly button and ears pierced!  I also caught him wearing women's underwear and shaving his entire body except for his head hair which he has let grow down his back.  He is nothing like the man I married. When we tried to reconcile, sex with the pierced penis was hurtful. I told him either the piercing or me and he told me he would not remove the penis percing!  Of course, we have now separated again and will probably divorce. He now also has over 12 tattoos.  He is nothing like the man I married 9 years ago.  I think he did all this to drive me away permanently.  Is he a cross dresser or gay? I really don't think so. Just rebellious against living a very traditional life.
 
March 24, 2008, 2:33 pm CDT

03/24 "You're Not Who I Married"

Quote From: muzezuru

I am in the exact same situation right. I met ,in husband in college ,we dated for 3yrs,we'v been married for 2.After all the time I took to get to know him, I still cant believe how much he's changed. He says he loves me, but will not make any changes or make any sacrifices to make our marriage work. I feel I'm the only one present in this relationship now.I acant understand what happened and I'm now thinking about Checking out.

I'm so looking forward to that show

I can relate to you too. My husband would move the world for me before we got married. Now I feel like I have to make the effort to most things to work. We have been married for 8 yrs with 3 children.  The difference here is that I decided, after being emotionally hurt for so long;  to change my expectations, see in me who I was and what I could do better instead bagging him for attention. When you get in a certain situation in your life you have to stop and reflect. Talk to a good friend , take a walk and watch Dr. Phil. You would see a big difference it will make. For us to make things work, first we have see whats wrong with us, we are not perfect, there is always room for improvement. From what I went through I realized I was expecting something from my husband which was not going to happen, so if I didn't respected  and excepted him for what he is and see his  positive side. We would not be together by now. You are not alone and you can make a difference in your marriage you have to believe in your self . If all things don't work for you may be is time to move on. To work as a family everyone have to participate.

 
March 24, 2008, 2:45 pm CDT

Life is for...LIVING

Quote From: violette33

 My husband of 33 years has gotten bitter and negative about everything. I can see alot of his mother in him. He used to be alot of fun and had a good sense of humor. Now he sees the down side of everything. And how he will die soon (his dad died in his early 50's) so why bother doing things. I have talked and talked to him to try and get him to see the positive and he does perk up for a while. But, with our kids on their own and doing well I thought we would kind of rekindle the romance and travel a bit. It's like living with the Grinch. Any ideas on how to get him to go see the doctor and get a thorough checkup so he can see he is not at death's door?

Do the things you did to get each other...surely all 33 yrs have not  been negative.

DON"T SEE THE MOMMA...you did not marry him because of her (or did you?)

Go back to where you first met...if it doesn't exist...recreate it in your backyard or local hotel spa suites

Get a massage...together

FIND A DRIVE-IN MOVIE...they do still exist!!!

Grief and Fear surround him because of his dad...help him remember the good times they had

Stop talking...Show Him ..........what 33yrs means           if you love him

Do him like we did my dad...plan/pack/and be own your way before he can  say no..get creative

 

I am nurse by profession with over 25 yrs experience.His mood and behavior will start to affect him physically if it hasn't already.Grandchildren are a JOY. You didn't mention any.He needs to stick around.

My 16 year old grand-daughter made me have a flashback one day.(Oh boy!)...and they love putting on your shoes and clothes...DON"T COP OUT ...LIVE to tell stories that will   embarras them in front of their friends but they will tell their children ...and the saga continues and  find that cousin or nephew that acts  just like   Grandpa!!!          

 
March 24, 2008, 2:50 pm CDT

Trish

Trish......ya say Matt is not there for emotionally, etc ( a hug, etc).....it sounds like karma coming back and biting you in the rear end. What did you expect after cheating on him, and all the crap that you've pulled/done in the marriage to him. I wouldn't be there for you either.

 

 

Sounds like....your getting what you deserve. It's like Dr. Phil said about the porcupine (sp)....it's not that easy to get close to a porcupine(sp).

 

 

Matt...buddy, I wouldn't have taken her back after she cheated. Ya do that, and then they learn not to do it the next time around.

 
March 24, 2008, 2:57 pm CDT

He changed completely

 I'd known my husband Ken for 25 years before I married him.  He successfully hid alcohol addiction as well as porn, food and speanding addictions.  I married for life, but he did not make a move to clean up his act in any way small or large, so I left.  In the end he chose alcohol and a Harley motorcycle over his marriage.  I wasted 10 years thinking he would clean up and try to make our marriage work.  What a waste of my time.
 
March 24, 2008, 3:19 pm CDT

03/24 "You're Not Who I Married"

I just can't find a way to be on Trish's side in this. Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect but gee, I wonder why his family hates her? It would break my heart to see one of my grown son's in an abusive relationship like this.

Trish makes an attempt to blame their problems on her needs not being filled  since they married but in the beginning she admits she flipped a switch the day after they got married. so I believe her fits of rage came before his withdrawal of intimacy. I don't see how she can expect him to want to cuddle her when moments ago she threw one of her fits. Fifteen rages a day does not leave much time for peace and desire for cuddling in between. She tries to get out of accepting responsibility  by saying her rages are uncontrollable, and remarks over and over that she get's tunnel vision. It's all a cop out. Unless she grows up and starts taking responsibilty for her role in this nightmare of a relationship they're doomed.

 

I'm tempted to think this couple should go their separate ways but am concerned for the children if they do. When the husband is not available as a target for her rage she will have to find another target and those kids are way too available to her. Someone who is this unstable should NEVER be allowed to raise children, much less raise them without another adult to protect the children in the household.

 
March 24, 2008, 3:26 pm CDT

that "bet" sure made that husband happy

the look of joy that came over the first husbands face when the "bet" was brought up regarding how long he'd stay married to this very unhappy woman was plain odd.  I won't pretend to understand it, but hope someone else noted it and will look into it during therapy.  Actually, I doubt therapy will help as much as the "grow up!" comment needs to be applied..    And that wife needs to get a grip and smile, her face is really going to freeze in that frown soon and as she gets older she won't be able to smile.....I've seen it happen....

 

In fact, as the cameras rolled over the audience after the show, our second husband showed a primo example of a frozen scowl....he really just can't bring himself to smile anymore, what is he so disgusted with?  Couldn't even look at his wife, just sat there disgusted.  Although they were a good team at one time, so I do see hope for them.   Love, Luanne

 
March 24, 2008, 3:34 pm CDT

03/24 "You're Not Who I Married"

I have to admit we both changed after we got married, but I think I changed more and he was just coping. I got a much more intense job and and became annoyed when he did not "grow up" and he started to party and drink more in a way to cope with the fact that he was insecure with my making more money than him. So as a result I got a job away from home so that I wouldn't have to be around him and he started to party even more now that he was insecure and alone. There was infidelity on both sides due to the stress and mis-trust. When we managed to get pregnant things got a bit better but then our son was stillborn because of a random medical condition. I went back to work within 2 months to deal with the loss and didn't bother to ask him how he was doing. So, the drinking got much worse and he started getting abusive. I made the lawyers appointment and we started separating. We went out for coffee one day between appointments and we actually talked. That's when I realized how much I had to do with how our marriage had gotten to this point and it wasn't just him being a drunk from a drunk family. We agreed that he would stop drinking and I would come home and finds a less intense job. It's now been 5 months, he hasn't had a drop and I'm just tieing up some loose ends at work. We haven't been happier, we've both become a sober version of who we were before we got married and we talk about problems before they become larger issues. It's great! And we're pregnant again and things are looking good. Now if only I could deal with the in-laws... 

 
March 24, 2008, 3:58 pm CDT

Share some experience please...

Quote From: cassandrem

I lost 200lbs with gastric bypass shortly after I got married.  I did change, I admit it.  I was not the insecure, self conscious person, with low self esteem, that I was before. Not only that, as Dr Phil said, I had to grieve the loss of food in my life.  I was significantly depressed for about 4 months.  Much of my husband's and my social life was related to eating, going out to dinner with friends, cooking, I didn't want to do that any more.  I didn't even want to hear people eat.  I became very neat. It just became difficult to live together.  We were not very understanding of each other's needs.

Like Dr Phil said  gastric bypass is NOT the easy way out.  There are a tremendous amount of adjustments to be made.  I only wish that Shawn can complete the process and have his skin removed too.  He deserves that too.  His wife just needs to be more understanding.

My boyfriend of 6 years, fiancee for 1 & 1/2, had gastric bypass last spring. He lost over 100 pounds, and although he says he understands the need for nutritional suppliments, I am watching his health go slowly going down the drain. He says he understands the need to exercise, but he won't go to the gym regularly because it is inconvenient in the morning, and then he works until late, so it becomes a choice between dinner or the gym. You can guess which wins.

At some point this 57 year old man MUST understand he is playing a dangerous game with his health, but he doesn't seem to understand the difference between verbalizing the appropriate behavior and actually DOING it!

I could handle some bad behavior towards me, or some excessive grooming, if it meant he was taking care of himself. You are right, this was NOT the 'easy way out'. I love him so, but he doesn't seem to love himself very much. How can I help him see what he is doing?

 
March 24, 2008, 4:04 pm CDT

Good for Trish and HerHusband!

Quote From: trishdemkiw85

Hey everyone, it's Trish.  The one on the episode "Youre not the one I married"

First off. Let me just point out that yes I do have problems, but doesnt everyone? I never surfaced HALF the problems that go on with us.  I never mentioned half the things he does to instigate the problems.  Regardless, since the show we have had our ups and downs, but regularly attend marriage counselling and for myself, psychology. It has helped better us as people, as parents, and as a couple. Marriage counselling does wonders for people, and I recommend it to anyone, even people without issues.  I love my husband, I love my children, and I would do anything for them.
 Trish, I'm glad to hear that you and your husband have been going to counseling and that it helps. I'm sorry that you didn't tellu s moreabout your guy's part in the problems -- not for our "entertainment" and not to embarrasshim, but so we allcould better understand how these thngs get that way.

As much as I love Dr. Phil's show and respect his advice, it all just goes to show that he needn't have doubted whether or not you 2 "should have" gotten married.  I know there was a problem before you tied the knot, but clearly there is a lot of love there, as well. Then there are couples like Shawn (on the same show) and his wife, who think they have the perfect marriage until something happens to change one or both people.

I don't think anyone can ever know for sure which couples "should" marry and which ones "shouldn't."Some of the "best "couples break up unexpectedly and some of the "worst" end up facing old age together, apparently quite happy.  Love isn't logical or it would be called "logic," not "love."  Continued good luck with the counseling.
 
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