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Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

Number of Replies: 916
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Created on : Thursday, March 20, 2008, 12:38:55 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Dare: 03/25/08) Motherhood isn't always about the good times, like baking brownies and having game night with the family. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they can’t cope with their children, and they’re running out of resources. Robyn adopted her 10-year-old daughter, Alyssa, six years ago from the Ukraine and says she actually has thoughts of sending the girl back. Robyn says that Alyssa hasn’t bonded with her and doesn’t know how to love anyone. She says her daughter screams, cries, yells and even threatened to kill herself! Robyn’s husband, Joe, can’t imagine living without his adoptive daughter and intends to stand by his commitment to the child. What's the real reason Robyn never bonded with Alyssa? Then, Cyndi says if she’d known her 12-year-old son, Alex, had autism and Down syndrome, she may not have brought him into the world. She says he hits himself, screams, grunts at the top of his lungs and wears two pairs of diapers at a time because he’s not potty trained. Her husband, Ulis, says he doesn’t find it difficult to care for Alex, but Cyndi says she’s exhausted and overwhelmed. Should the boy be institutionalized? Find out what Dr. Phil thinks. Plus, meet a mom with four kids who’s already left home twice. Now she’s scared she may leave again — this time for good. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 23, 2008, 11:26 am CDT

That one mother

That one lady was mean saying if she'd known about her son's troubles she'd killed him before he was born what kind of person even thinks about something like that? It's not the boy's fault he was born this way sometimes this kind of stuff happens for no good reason. All the boy needs is love and care and he could live a decent life.
 
March 23, 2008, 11:30 am CDT

God bless you, Mary!

Quote From: maryc8

I can understand how it may be frustrating and tiring for some people that have a child with disabilities. In my own experience, I am a single mother of three children. I  myself, have M.S. and my youngest child, Joshua has 2 disabilities. He is 5 years old. He does not walk, talk, eat by mouth, and is blind in 1 eye.He is in diapers also. Even though he may not be able to all of these things yet, he makes little steps every day it seems and is a lot smarter than people know.  I would not change for 1 second, not to be his  mother. He is a blessing in my life. Yes, it may not be easy at times, but there are always ways of coping with things. I really think that we who have children like this, it only makes us  better, stronger people and more able to appreciate life. We learn from them. You are not alone with how you feel. I wish you the best. Take care.

Mary  

Mary, your children are so fortunate to have you for their mother!  What a blessing you are to them!  Perhaps you could share some of your specific "ways of coping with things"?  It is possible that some of your techniques might be just what some of the other struggling mothers need to hear to help ease their frustrations!

 

Susan, from Ohio

 
March 23, 2008, 7:09 pm CDT

Mom of 2 and one died

Quote From: hpmx59

A Being Doctor Mom Of Phil Tired. Doctor Phil donot tell Robin that she is not retired Mom soon. See you--

See you on Tuesday March 25th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Ruissell Vlaanderen.----------------------------------------

I have a real problem with someone who adopts a child and then whats to send it back. .  My daughter is grown and lives 400 miles away and my other daughter died in a car accident 16 years ago and so in every day reality I am without a child or my granddaughter.  If you don't want your child there are some of us out there that would love to take a child and love it and help it.  I makes me sick to my stomach that this child might not be physcialy abused but let me tell you mental abuse  is worse.  I don't want to hurt your feelings but you need to hold up to what you did and take care of that child no matter what it takes.  Lots of people would give anything to have a child to love. I also think you are being very sefish and I can't wait to see the show on Tuesday.  Quit whining about it and you might  find the child is more responsive to being in your famiy and if you all need counseling get it.

I just hope Dr. Phil can help you. 

Signed , One mad NANA and MOM

 
March 24, 2008, 7:46 am CDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

I agree with you both.

 

My mother went through a depression after my brothers were born.  One of them was born with numerous problems and  was in the hospital for a couple of weeks after birth, which affected his bonding with my mom.  I often took care of him and tried to deal with his behavioral problems.  When you're not cut out to be a mom (I don't know if my mom ever was), and then you throw in a child with a disability and various physical problems, it really put a strain on the marriage, and because the kid required so much attention, a strain on my relationship with my parents.  It's a big reason why I've put off having children so far, and why I may not have any at all.  I just can't deal with the possibility of bringing a child with so many problems into the world....I'm not up for round 2 of the same. 

 

How does one know if they're not cut out to be a mother?  Is there a way to know without getting pregnant and going through the experience? 

What I would say is, if a woman doesn't have the desire to have children in the first place, then she shouldn't have them. Of course that can get complicated if the husband wants them and she doesn't.(Another show) I can tell you that for me, when I was about 24-25 I started to have a yearning for a baby. It's not something that I decided in any logical way. But that's just me. It doesn't mean that I was a perfect mother. And I was very fortunate that my children were born without birth defects or problems of that sort. I can respect that there are many women who don't want to have children. I would never say anything negative about that. As far as knowing whether or not one is cut out to be a mother- I have no clue how to figure that one out. All I had was this powerful yearning and never even considered whether or not I was really cut out to be a mother.  The mothers on the show have a lot on thier plates. Thier circumstances are a lot different than mine were. I don't know what it would be like to be in thier shoes. I can't say for sure how I would have handled a situation like thiers- possibly not well, at times. I certainly have a lot of empathy for them and any other mother in their circumstances.
 
March 24, 2008, 10:42 am CDT

Protect the Children

Quote From: jnokleby

Words of advice.  Tell your daughter not to allow any phone calls to her minor children.  She must protect them at all cost.

If the father only calls when high, this is not a person anyone should be talking to. Document the date, time, demenor and then keep for the attorney dealing with the divorce.  The judge will take care of this.  Also, if he becomes jailed, you will see some child support from his jail/prison earnings.  Once the system gets a hold of him, he will stay in the system and on the child support roster until they are 18 yrs old. 

The damage of the children hearing these promises from an absent parent is worse than NOT hearing from them at all.  Discuss with the children that they will not be allowed to talk with him when he is high or drunk.  That what ever he tells them will not be carried through as a promise when he is in this condition. Unless their father gets the help he needs, they need to understand that they will need to be adults to contact him on their own.  Choose your words carefully, talk with your pastor, an attorney, public health provider, etc.  PROTECT THE CHILDREN.

 

I agree w/ you.  Protect the children.  Please, get help.  Attend support groups such as Al-Anon.  Break the cycle of your own unhealthy behaviors.  You're worth it.  You are of value.  One day at a time.  You are the one who has chosen to change for the better.  For what ever reason, your husband has chosen to remain in an unhealthy lifestyle.  Put the focus on yourself and your own personal recovery.  It will take time and effort...lots of effort. 
 
March 24, 2008, 11:00 am CDT

Passing Judgment

How quick some of you are to pass judgment. The show hasn't even aired yet has it? I will wait to see the show before really commenting but my take on it thus far is these woman are just vocalizing thoughts that MILLIONS of woman have. Maybe it's OK to get frustrated sometimes and have doubts and regrets. These are real human emotions. There is nothing wrong with crying out for help when help is needed. It's the ones that keep everything inside then one day drown all their kids that you should worry about. I highly doubt that ANY mother at some point in their lives haven't thought how nice it would be to escape if even for a day or hide somewhere and cry out of frustration. Maybe more mothers should rally together and admit we aren't perfect then trying to put on a facade that all is wonderful all the time.

Moms, it's OK to have those feelings! My heart goes out to you. Your doing the right thing talking about it and asking for help. KUDOS to you for being the voice for millions of moms who every once in awhile have those days where you just want to throw in the towel. The important thing is we don't. (Maybe for a spa getaway ;)

 
March 24, 2008, 11:50 am CDT

You don't know what you're talking about.

Quote From: faithsnana6

I have a real problem with someone who adopts a child and then whats to send it back. .  My daughter is grown and lives 400 miles away and my other daughter died in a car accident 16 years ago and so in every day reality I am without a child or my granddaughter.  If you don't want your child there are some of us out there that would love to take a child and love it and help it.  I makes me sick to my stomach that this child might not be physcialy abused but let me tell you mental abuse  is worse.  I don't want to hurt your feelings but you need to hold up to what you did and take care of that child no matter what it takes.  Lots of people would give anything to have a child to love. I also think you are being very sefish and I can't wait to see the show on Tuesday.  Quit whining about it and you might  find the child is more responsive to being in your famiy and if you all need counseling get it.

I just hope Dr. Phil can help you. 

Signed , One mad NANA and MOM

Wait till Tuesday. Then talk. Do some research on Reactive Attachment disorder before then and keep your heart alive.
 
March 24, 2008, 11:58 am CDT

And...

Quote From: marianparoo

Here it's very well know that older children adopted from orphanages in the former Soviet territories have a lot of physical and emotional problems.

 

This is no place to go into all the reasons why, but aren't people in the USA aware of this?

 

Don't they know that if they adopt these children it is a wonderful thing, but it is also a difficult lifetime commitment. We are talking about a child. Not a puppy that came be returned to the pet store.

Just because You are aware of something doesn't make it any easier. And THINKING about something as a far cry from acting upon it. I'm sure we're all aware of the differences here.
 
March 24, 2008, 12:22 pm CDT

We're in this together...

Quote From: conniekoen

I too adopted 2 children from Ukraine that were 18 mo old at the time.  We have been home for nearly 5 1/2 years now and they will turn 7 next month.  I love these kids and they can be so loving, but I am basically a single mom due to my husband deciding that money is more important than our family.  During the past 5 years, we have discovered that both children have sensory integration disorder, needed speech therapy, physical therapy, and occupational therapy.  In the past 3 years we have also needed lots of psychological help for my son too.  He has alcohol related neurodevelopmental disorder, and are now testing for asperbers syndrome.  He would throw these rages that would wear out any normal person to a frazzle.  We drive 2 hours from home to get the psychological help he needs because no one in our area knows what to do to help.  I am so tired just from driving.  When we put them into preschool thinking they could use social skills and get friends, I received calls constantly for the past 3 years about things my son was doing that went against the rules, or against their grain in general. This year (kindergarten) we placed him in a school for kids with special needs (for a mere $12,000 a year), but there hasn't been one phone call complaining about anything he does.  I have to drive 23 miles each way to get him there.  They love him there.  There is a 2:1 student teacher ratio and they know how to handle him.  It has been a blessing in deed.  In the process I feel like he has needed so much that I don't give my daughter of the same age what she needs.  They have basically been twins and don't know what to do when they aren't with the other one.  So this has been very hard on her.  She is getting rebellious now because "he gets all of the attention". 

 

I am so exhausted and now being tested for narcolepsy because I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. 

 

I just want to make sure that we are doing the right things for my kids.  I have done everything if it was available to me.  I feel lost a lot because no one ever seems to know what to do to really find out what our problems are.  But at the same time I am so tired I get angered very easily, and feel like I am complaining all the time.  My husband just thinks things are fine and doesn't understand why I feel so stressed.  That angers me as well.  I always have to run our household plans as if my husband isn't home.  I can't depend on him for any of the appointments or to watch the children while I leave.  I have to get sitters for nearly everything that I can't take them to.

 

Our community has many children from Ukraine and there are many of us in the same situation now.  Mainly after the children are becoming on school age.  The people who adopted the older kids had an idea of the behaviors, but thinking we were getting younger ones we thought we would be getting them early enough that we wouldn't have them.  But we have definitely found otherwise.  We have started a local online support group just so we can lean on each other.  That has been nice, but of course not the answer to all of our issues. 

 

I will share with them this story being on the air.  Maybe we can learn something new.  We just feel like our resources are exhausted.  I wish there was a body scan that we could do to tell us what we have and need to do for it.  If it could just be that simple.

 

Connie, KY

Mom to 2 Ukrainian children

Connie,

I understand your pain. No matter how much you prepare, you still never know the final outcome. I have 6 kids in all... 2 blological, 2 step and 2 adopted from Ukraine. They all have their problems, but the pain of a child hurting that you can't help with love... well, it tears you apart.  You can't relate unless you've been there. I went into this Eyes Wide Open am well educated and obviously have a variety of experiences with my 6 kids. I love all my kids deeply and would do anything for any one of them. Sometimes though, "there's just not enough chocolate."  I am mom to Alyssa on Tuesday's show and wounld be happy to talk to you. God Bless, Robyn 

 
March 24, 2008, 1:14 pm CDT

Sister of a disabled child

I would just like to say to the mother of that child that however you are feeling, that child is probably tired of having to deal with you as well.   My older brother has down syndrome and my parents will be the first to tell you how difficult it was to cope with it when having a child with downs was just not a norm.  The year that my brother was born was the year that the local institution was shut down in my hometown.  My brother's class was the first to become integrated into the "normal" classrooms, partly thanks to my mother.  Thanks to modern science, my mom knew beforehand that she would be having a child with downs and her first thoughts after the shock were how to help to educate and enrich his life.  While my brother does not have the degree of downs (there are three; mild, moderate and severe) that it appears her son does, it does not make his life any less difficult.  He is aware when kids call him names, "retarded" is one in particular that has brought on hours of tears from my brother and is not permitted in my family and should not be allowed for anyone to speak I feel.  But has the mother ever considered that the way her child acts is out of frustration for not being understood?  Most down syndrome kids are the most lovable people you will ever come in to contact with and just want to be around people all of the time!  She needs to take in to consideration that she is not the only person in that house who is tired!
 
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