Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

I am sorry if I have offended you.  I am the mother of 5, one of which has autism.  I can only offer MY opinion on this board.  I cannot speak about yours.  I believe that God gave my husband and I personally each one of our children.  Those of us who believe in God believe that He created us all.  Alex was certainly created by God.  He has a purpose in this world.  His life has a meaning. 

I don't believe offering prayers and understanding is appalling, self righteous or hurtful. 

 

Oh, I forgot to add, my little bro didn't have DS or ASD, but a slew of other emotional and physical problems.  He was a hard child to discipline and control.  He was on Lithium, Haldol (enough to knock out a full-grown adult), various forms of Ritalin, and a plethora of Behavioral management techniques.  Even that didn't control him completely, but it was better than nothing. 

 

The "church" (I use the term loosely) that we went to had nothing but judgment and dirty looks towards my parents, more, they didn't want to understand.  They didn't "care", they didn't judge for the benefit of the kids, it was all about having a punching bag.  So we left them to their own devices (because they desserve each other) and joined a church that actually gave a crap about us.

 

I don't believe they're "mommy martyrs", not in the sense that you mean.  I believe the only "martyrdom" they participate in is not asking for help.  That's why I believe the posters who have special needs children and want to call other moms "weak" act like martyrs with halos because they think they're so dam perfect.  Maybe it's their skewed way of reaching out, or they're jealous of people who CAN set aside their pride and get help.  At least the mom who can get help is often a better mom than if she just continued to let herself go downhill to the point where you have another Andrea Yates on your hands.

The organization at which I work received a call after this show aired - the call was from a parent with a developmentally disabled son served by the organization. In this call she again shared what a blessing this organization has been in her life, her son's life, and his brother's lives. Her son has been with TERI almost 25 years and has truly blossomed into an individual who exhibits his full-range of personality, who is happy, and who gives as much to the staff and volunteers as they give him.

 

We serve children and adults with autism and other developmental and learning disabilities through nonpublic schools, an adult day program, therapeutic equestrian, vocational agriculture, residential services - any program that can enrich the lives of our clientele, provide meaningful activities, and help them to reach their maximum potential. There are thousands of organizations like ours across the country to help families, and I hazard to guess that most are as dedicated to ensuring the best quality of life we can provide to these individuals.

 

Though it takes careful research and possibly many trials at different programs, I believe you will find an organization that benefits your family and your child through service provision that meets all your needs.

I so understand how this woman feels because I was placed in somewhat the same situation with my fiance's daughter; her mother had abandoned her and she, too, had some physical issues.  Although I love kids in general, I COULD NOT warm up to this one.  I felt she, too, may have had RAD (she could "feign" warm feelings when appropriate - well enough to fool others, as in this woman's case - but it never felt genuine to me.  She caused a lot of problems between my SO and I, yet everyone felt sorry for her.  Adoptive mom, I feel your pain!!!  I'm no longer in that relationship, largely because of this girl.  You don't automatically love a kid just because he or she is THERE when it's not your own flesh and blood; you either click or you don't and, if you don't, that's all she wrote.  When they cause you problems, it becomes hard to even like them and, yes, resentment sets in.  It's easy to pity the child, but I also feel for this lady.

 

Also, did anyone else find the husband a bit creepy?  Why don't they have kids of their own???  Given the mother's experience with the child and the likelihood that she does suffer from RAD, I found it strange that he not only bonded so tightly with her, but seems ready and willing to throw his wife under the bus for her; as for his daughter siding with him in this, I can see the possiblity of a little rivalry between her and the stepmom being at play there.  Nothing concrete to point at except that this guy just didn't sit right with me...

 

As for the autistic/Down's syndrome boy, he needs to be institutionalized; sorry!!!  Unless the dad wants to stay home and care for him full-time (apparently he doesn't), this isn't a good situation for anyone.  Maybe some could take it, but this woman obviously can't; we all have our breaking points...  Find a good home...

 

As for "cute mom," her kids are simply the typical, spoiled, undisciplined, unruly type that annoy us every day in museums and restaurants; they need basic "rearing," but I'm sure she -- like most parents today, it seems -- has not a clue how to go about that.  She's paying the price now, but society will be paying later.

       Phil, I can understand where she is coming from. People that does not have a Autism, really does not understand the impact it makes on the family... I believe that she needs help and guides on helping deal with it. She need a support groups. So much more... Finally they are realize that the shot has cause this problem, so I hope a pray that there will be no more kids that have to suffer.. I have a son 20 years old with PDD. and also have seizure. But i have close friends, Church members, and family that help me out.....When a lot of people decide to have kids they are thinking 18 years, then it is my time. It changes your world and plans in life. But I would trade my son for anything. She just needs help. Please Help>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 I am a mother of three wonderful boys.  All three have OCD. and ADHD . 2 have anxiety and depression and my 9 year old is bi-polar.  all moms have days were they want to run away and as a mother with 3 boy

who are gifted Im sure my days are more than others.  As if my life wasn't busy enough I started an in home daycare for disabled and foster children because I knew how hard it was to trust anyone or find someone who is willing to deal with your children. When you find yourself ready to give up how can you exspect someone else to have the patience with them. My sons bi-polar got worse I had to give up my daycare to provide more one and one care for him.  For the parents who don't have gifted children let me give you a little insight on what it feels like. you have days you feel so helpless and deflated that you don't know if you can even get out of bed. you feel like you don't have anymore fight in you but you know you are your childs voice so you have to go to the school and fight for the education your child needs and deserves, you have to fight the doctors, deal with agencies to get the help you know your child needs. some days you feel like your spinning your wheels and getting no were. you have the struggle of trying to keep a job that can fit around your childs needs. Don't get me wrong I love my children and wouldn't trade them for the world. They are my life. I had the advantage of having ADD and OCD my self so I have some insight on how they are feeling. however I never had to deal with bi-polar . I know how hard it is for me it has to be 10xs as hard for him. I know he doesn't pee in my candles, put holes in my walls, breaks everything I own , threaten to kill me or himself out of hatefulness. I know it's something he can't control . But when Your having a "bad day" as we call it is very hard not to take it personal.  when your  lying in bed at night afraid to go to sleep because  he tells you of a dream he had were you were stabbed to death in your sleep and laughs about it. It's hard not to let dispear take control. I guess what I am saying is don't judge these women but try just for a minute to put yourself in there place give them credit for admitting they are in over there heads and are reaching out for help give them credit for not being one of those moms we see on the news who drown there children or buckle them in a car and drive it into a lake.. These are women still fighting for there kids. give them some credit for that.

I completely agree with you about the segment you wrote on the child with 2 disabilities. I have a 31 autistic brother who also has schizophrenia that popped out when he was 12.  He was placed in a group home because he was a danger to the family and himself. My question for everyone and anyone who either has or doesn't have a child or children with a disability is that what happens to them when you're gone or too old to take care of them? Think about it, you can't depend on your other kids to take care of them, that is if you have other kids. NO ONE is going to take care of the parents when they retire, get sick, or get too old to care of their disabled kids but, someone can help take care of their child or children when of if that happens, so I say let the professonals take over if you can't handle it. It's okay to admit that you can't handle it, you're only human! so many people are up in arms about not having them placed in institutions; first of all, not all of them are bad, second of all, there are wonderful group homes out there. My brother couldn't be happier or better off. He has professionals helping him, plus my parents visit anytime they want and can have him spend the night at their houses anytime. These parents of the child with multiple handicaps would not be giving up on their child, as a matter of fact, I think the more positive influence he has (Alex), the better.

Cindy-

 

Your story brought me to tears because I have been in your situation,  not as a mother, but a little sister to a severely mentally disabled individual. My sister has Smith Magenis Syndrome, which causes her to have severe, violent behaviors. Growing up in my household was nothing short of hell. I was regularly beaten by my sister and my 120 lb mother was always in the middle trying to calm my sister down. I had an isolating childhood being fiercely protective of my sister among the neighborhood children and other people who were rude with their comments and just plain staring. In spite of my imperfect childhood and all of the violence, I wouldn't take it back for anything. I know that those challenges of accepting my sister for everything she is, made me who I am today. That being said, I DO NOT fault you whatsoever in considering putting Alex in a group home.

 

We (after years of being on a waiting list) placed my sister into a group home in 1998, where she still resides to this day. Her move into this community (I refuse to call it a care facility because it is her home, her niche) has caused her to thrive and her behavior to improve 100%. She is in a home with about 8 other mentally disabled adults, with 24 hour nursing and caretaker care. She works in a factory with her friends from her house and the sense of accomplishment that she receives when she gets her bi-weekly paycheck is something that we could have never given her. Her new home keeps her constantly learning new things, that I really think we couldn't have done since we were just trying to exist with her, not improve her life. She is with professionals 24 hours a day who are constantly working on her behavior and teaching her the responsibilities of being an adult (which is something that brings her some much pride).

 

Also, you and your husband need to have a life together. I'm sure that you both, as my parents did, lost a lot of time in your marriage concentrating on Alex. Having Alex live with people like him would not only be extremely beneficial to him, but also the both of you as well.

 

With all of the positives of being in her group home, I must warn you that you must remain Alex's champion and advocate as I know that you have been so far. My mother attends every house board meeting and makes sure that my sister is getting the treatment and help that she needs. My mother goes to visit my sister on Fridays, while I pick her up on Mondays. My mother is a party of the SMS support group PRISMS, and is constantly updating the nurses and caregivers of the new developments in SMS behavior research. For the most part, the staff have been receptive to working with my sister and trying out techniques that PRISMS suggests. But my Mom is always there to remind them :)

 

Also, she spends every holiday with us, even spending the night with my parents . We are still extremely involved in her life, even though she does not live with us, which I know that you and your husband would be!

 

I feel for you Cindy and wish you, Alex, and the rest of your family all of the luck in the world. Please contact me if you'd like to vent or if I can talk to you about my experience further.

 

Jessica

What part of "my own advice" should I take? I wasn't trying to diagnose anyone, just pointing out that no one here has any idea of what is going in that home other than what we were told on the show. I am sorry you are struggling with a RAD child, but that does not mean that every child who has that label attached to them by anyone has been accurately diagnosed, nor does it mean that the parent who such children do not themselves have emotional problems that they may need to address as well. Since you have a child with this problem, you immediately identify with a woman who also says that she has a child with this problem, but that again only reflects an inability to be objective. Neither of us know these people or what their motivations are, but you want us to look critically at Alyssa's behavior, but not Robyn's: why?

yoshi are you a parent of three don't think so hate to tell but i got three kids and i am a grandma to boot so don't tell me how to be one BY THE WAY DO U HAVE ANY i bet u don't so until walk in these people shoes don't judge them they are asking for help  so they can move on with thier kids with a better live like i said no one does things the same way we are differnt in ways we deal with problems with our kids so get a life