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Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

Number of Replies: 916
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Created on : Thursday, March 20, 2008, 12:38:55 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Dare: 03/25/08) Motherhood isn't always about the good times, like baking brownies and having game night with the family. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they can’t cope with their children, and they’re running out of resources. Robyn adopted her 10-year-old daughter, Alyssa, six years ago from the Ukraine and says she actually has thoughts of sending the girl back. Robyn says that Alyssa hasn’t bonded with her and doesn’t know how to love anyone. She says her daughter screams, cries, yells and even threatened to kill herself! Robyn’s husband, Joe, can’t imagine living without his adoptive daughter and intends to stand by his commitment to the child. What's the real reason Robyn never bonded with Alyssa? Then, Cyndi says if she’d known her 12-year-old son, Alex, had autism and Down syndrome, she may not have brought him into the world. She says he hits himself, screams, grunts at the top of his lungs and wears two pairs of diapers at a time because he’s not potty trained. Her husband, Ulis, says he doesn’t find it difficult to care for Alex, but Cyndi says she’s exhausted and overwhelmed. Should the boy be institutionalized? Find out what Dr. Phil thinks. Plus, meet a mom with four kids who’s already left home twice. Now she’s scared she may leave again — this time for good. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 24, 2008, 1:33 pm CDT

motherhood

Almost 5 years ago my 7month old grand daughter who was born with many defects passed away, she weighed only 7 pounds. I would givemy life to have her back again, then maybe I would see the sparkel in her eyes.  How can a mother not love her child??????
 
March 24, 2008, 2:08 pm CDT

I'm sorry for your pain!

Quote From: coco454

Almost 5 years ago my 7month old grand daughter who was born with many defects passed away, she weighed only 7 pounds. I would givemy life to have her back again, then maybe I would see the sparkel in her eyes.  How can a mother not love her child??????
I feel for you. Having been a neonatal nurse, I have seen many babies with many problems that do not make it and the pain the families live with. However, this show is not about mother's not loving their children. All 3 of us love our children dearly. We all asked for help. Those of you out there ready to jump on us before the show has even aired have no place to speak. Perhaps if you helped other grieving families, you could put your past sorrows to rest and help others in need rather than jumping on other hurting souls.
 
March 24, 2008, 2:15 pm CDT

finding hope

I am a single mother, soon to be fourthy three. I am a recovering alcoholic. At an early age I gave birth to my son who soon will be 23 ,(I was clean during my pregnancy)Tim was born with his disabilities. I was not ready,nor fit to be a mother at the time. My son lived with my parents for several years. Before I go any further I must say, you may judge after you have walked in my shoes. any way. My son Timothy was born with several disabilities; Siezures, legally blind, cerebral palsy, brain cyst, severe MR(developmental delay), ADHD, OCD, and very severe behavioral issues before he could walk. Tim could not speak, nor  walk, nor make eye contact, and did not want to be held. Most of all Tim was extremely aggressive at an early age. He was kicked out of a disability program for severely biting a little girl. Even at age the age of three it would take more than one person to physically restrain him so that he would not hurt any one or himself. Tim almost died from a very serious seizure, and an infection he had gotten at birth. So through the years I got my self togehter went back to school, had some college courses, and begun to mature. But nothing could prepare for what the road ahead  had in store for us. next. My parents cared for my son, and during those years my family struggled very musch to care for my son. At that tiome the state required you to give up your child in order to seek services in which could help. I sought to help my son and become the parent I was suppose to be. It was time. I found a facility for my son, and made one of many difficult decissions I would soon find myself doing. I fought the state and school system to fund the services that could possibly help Tim, and I began to learn more about disability laws and civil rights. I learned by heart the IDEA Article 7, Special Ed. As I drove to the facility my heart was ripping inside as my son, who could use little words at this time and learned to walk, was kicking at the door and biting on me. He only knew he would be away from the only thing he knew, his family. This was the longest ride of my life, today this was the start of a life as I see it know. During the 6 hour ordeal I made many phone calls that I could not do this. I did, and on the way home I prayed as I have never prayed before. I made a commitment to my son and my self that we would recover together and some how get through this, I prayed for my son not to be so violent, but it just was not so easy. I traveled every week end, called almost daily, when the year was up and tim had only gotten worse and growing, I sought a not for profit facility closer to home, pushed for funding under the school, and begun a long and grueling eight years at this facility. I mean while got involved with disability groups through the Governotrs council, I called and got very furious with doctors, staff, educators and so on if they were not helping, nor abiding by IDEA. My son could not do basic thing for himself, dress , he would wet himself, spit, kick, bite, cuss (when he learned to speak) then he would flee, run away- into traffic with no regard for his safety, head band, oh and so much more aching things that still today make me cry. In one month my son was restrain for his own safety more than two thousand hours in a little over one month. he would kick at doors till he broke bones. Fast forward. Tim had brain surgery, I recived waiver funding, and Tim had improved to the piont of moving home. I bought a house, which I almost lost because of school problems, tim being voilent, seizures.

I too have felt very lost, and scarred at times I was not sure about living, I felt so down , alone, broken spiritual, emotionally, finacially, physically, and mostly I did not believe I could do anything. I have left out a lot. But  today my son has been aggressive free for 2 years, he can put together an 8-9 word sentence, he is having some very wonderful cognitive break throughs. He has leasrned to cook some things and do many things that many thought he would never do. God made women moms for a reason, as we mature the nuture of the natural motherlyness will tak over. I found faith, and stayed on the course that I hoped would lead us to where we are today. By the grace of God I learned that some times things I thought were behaviors of tims were things in myself that  I needed to change to become a better person all the way around. Compassion for other human beings. The road was very, very hard, and I could of left my whole family, as I was good at doing when I was a teen, But I choose to stay, no matter what the cost of the journey was. I believe God challenges  us in times to see what we will do and to make us stronger for the plans he has for us to do later. I would have never believed anyone if they told then, what I know now I would not have beliedved them. I did how ever have hope, and did everything I could. I sought Doctors who was the best in thier practice, family couseling, behavioral mangment, took part in fuctuions for disabilities, learned the most important document to man, the Constitution,  I was an open book to try almost anything and learn any thing I could to help not only my son, but me dealing with helping my son, and all the other feeling s that you have when your child is disabled. My son is and always has been a very special gift. What I have learned can only be tuaght by God. He truly is my miracle boy.

seek help and never believe everything they say, if you never try you will never know, and if it does not work keep faith and try something else. God Bless

Advocate , parent , guardian , and bussiness owner for special needs.

Angela & Timothy

 
March 24, 2008, 3:30 pm CDT

As a mom of a severely autistic child... I can totally relate...

Although I would never, ever, ever wish my child dead, I can totally relate to be frustrated, wanting to escape.  It's hard, it's a lot harder than anyone realizes.  Let me spell it out for you:

1.  The last three months my son has averaged 5 hours or less a night of sleep.

2.  Most therapies that work are not covered by insurance.

3.  Most children with autism have allergies or intolerances to certain foods, their diets can be to say the least expensive.

4.  There is very little in the way of respit care.

5.  The divorce rate is over 90%.

6.  I can count on two hands the number of eating establishments, barber shops, weight watchers meetings, play groups, and lessons I have been kicked out of.

7.  When a child has cancer people offer their shoulder to cry on, bring you food, when a child has autism, people either avoid you, or tell you everything you are doing wrong to create an autistic child.  You don't know how many darned times I have heard, if you would only do a, b, or c, he would not be autistic. 

8.  Ever change a 5 year old's pants?  Ever have your kid backhand you across the face?  Ever have your child loosen your teeth in a tantrum while you are trying to protect him from yourself?  Ever have a black eye from your child?  Men-- ever get kicked in balls by a kid with moon boots on?  Ever have your older child attack your younger child unprovoked? 

 

Deal with that 365 days a year without breaks. without sleep, and then come talk to some of us parents about how wrong our frustrations are, or how wrong one parent is for voicing what MANY of us feel.  Some of you parents who are dealing with it probably have wonderful support structures, people who help you, you may get a break now and again, but many of us don't get a break.  I'm also a military wife, so many months out of the year I am a single parent.  I also deal with the severe tantrums and regressions when my husband leaves and severe tantrums and regressions when he comes back.  I say walk a mile, and then judge.  Especially the mother with the son who has autism.

 
March 24, 2008, 6:10 pm CDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

Quote From: mynameismom

How quick some of you are to pass judgment. The show hasn't even aired yet has it? I will wait to see the show before really commenting but my take on it thus far is these woman are just vocalizing thoughts that MILLIONS of woman have. Maybe it's OK to get frustrated sometimes and have doubts and regrets. These are real human emotions. There is nothing wrong with crying out for help when help is needed. It's the ones that keep everything inside then one day drown all their kids that you should worry about. I highly doubt that ANY mother at some point in their lives haven't thought how nice it would be to escape if even for a day or hide somewhere and cry out of frustration. Maybe more mothers should rally together and admit we aren't perfect then trying to put on a facade that all is wonderful all the time.

Moms, it's OK to have those feelings! My heart goes out to you. Your doing the right thing talking about it and asking for help. KUDOS to you for being the voice for millions of moms who every once in awhile have those days where you just want to throw in the towel. The important thing is we don't. (Maybe for a spa getaway ;)

That is the most difficult part of it...people don't want to see mothers (and fathers) as merely human, they think we are some how superhuman.

I have had a hard time being a mom and my kid is perfectly healthy and "normal"...I can't imagine dealing with complications on top of it.

 
March 24, 2008, 8:08 pm CDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

It sounds to me, like these women are speaking from ongoing frustration and despair and I doubt they are bad ppl... they obviously contacted Dr.Phil for help to try to fix it.   

 

Having a  child with a severe disability isn't a life anyone signed up for and is a huge hurdle... on many levels not just coping directly with the child's behavior. 

 

I hope their families can get the help and HOPE they need. 

 
March 24, 2008, 9:08 pm CDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

im a mum of 6(7 in the summer when my stepson is with us) and trust me there are more than few moments where ive wanted to trade my kids in for new ones or simply give them away. infact, just the other day i watched a repeat of oprah where she asked" what would you do if yor husband told you he wanted another wife?".. .well-my kids were off playing and yelling at the top of there lungs,(dr phil and oprah are my break time!LOL)i looked around at the tornado wreck of my house and said out loud to myself "i say bring her on baby" and then laughed at myself for being silly. the thing is tho is right at the at moment it WAS something to think about!
 honestly, i know i could never leave them, trade em all in or get new ones, nor would i actualy allow my hubby a second wife(he even says jokingly sometimes that he doesnt know how all those men utah do it-he can barely handle one wife!LOL). i love them too much too too much to do that. that being said-i also love them too too much to deprive them of a happy mother. ive had PPD after each of my kids and if theres one thing ive learned to keep myslef sane , it is to get involved with a support group of some kind!
keep your self surrounded with people who have experienced what you are going thru and  can be there for you to uplift and encourage you as a mother. be honest with yourself about what you do feel and remember that your NOT the only mother who is having a hard time.
myself and one of my children have a mild form of spina bifida and thankfully neither of us are hindered in many ways at all and that has been a blessing.  and i think that what ive said also applies to mothers who do have children with disablities that are more severe. never be afraid to reach out, ask for help and certainly dont feel too proud to accept help when it is actually offered. on that note-many people wont KNOW you need help until they are made aware of it! so ask for it when you need it!
 
March 24, 2008, 9:32 pm CDT

sister of down sydrome & autistic child

Hello to all viewers,

I am the sixteen year old daughter of the "selfish" woman many of you have been describing, yet you have not even seen the show yet.  First of all i would like to thank those of you who have taken up for my mom.  Many of you who have commented on this show have mentioned your child only has Down Syndrome.  You do not realize that he has TWO disabillities, not just one.  He has Down Syndrome AS WELL as Autism.  I have several friends who have little siblings with Down Syndrome, like mine.  I understand that their lives aren't exactly a walk in the park, but it doesnt compare at all to living with a brother who has both disablities.  I agree that these children are very loving, and my mom is also a very loving person.  Do not let the statement made that she would not have brought him into this world fool you.  My mother loves my little brother very much.  She has devoted the last 12 years of her life to raising this special boy.  Because he is unable to communicate with us verbally, she has made him a communication book with pictures, that way he can show us what he wants.  My mom would not give Alex back for the world.  She loves him dearly, but although i disagree with abortion, i understand that my mom meant that she wouldn't want anyone to have to live a life of suffering, such as my brother does everyday.  It hurts my mom and I as well to hear my brother cry and not be able to know what is wrong with him. Many of you have made it sound like a piece of cake taking care of a child like my brother.  There is a lot of more help out there for children with down syndrome, than autism.  My brother has both disabillities, dominantly being severely autistic, which makes it even more complicated to find help for him. 

 I wrote a poem about my brother and I would like to share it with you:

 

Locked in a world all on his own

He cannot speak only his emotions are shown

Unable to express how much hurt he has inside

the pain he feels is also mine.

 

Angry he cannot tell us what he has to say

He continuously abuses himself everyday

The bruises and scars will always be there

This way of life is not at all fair

 

As hard as our lives are I'd hate to see him go away,

My love for him has too many words for to even say.

The love he has for us is filled within his heart

Nothing in this world could tear our relationship apart.

 

My brother, my best friend, the one who gives me wings,

The wonder, the joy, this special child brings.

 

 

Please watch the show tomorrow, and in understanding that she is not this unloving person she has been made out to be by many of you.

 
March 24, 2008, 11:56 pm CDT

this *problem* is so much bigger than these particular cases

I was surprised to see so many supportive comments regarding these women on this post and I'm glad. Women and the scope of what they're responsible for as mothers, wives, and general caretakers has been around for, well, forever.  Women have wanted to leave their kids before and have.  There are books i.e. "The Feminine Mystique" and "What We Keep" that talk about it.  Heck, there are even people who study it academically (Women's Studies, anyone?). If we could reasonably assume that having sex when you didn't want a baby and the feelings every now and again about not wanting your child after it's been born has been around for about as long as the act of making babies itself, we need to treat these thoughts as normal and valid.  But we were made to think repeatedly for centuries that these thoughts are wrong.  I won't get into how that baggage came to be and how it's only started to be unpacked within the last forty years or so, but anyway...

I think there's an issue of these roles being redefined over the years but we're still trying to raise them with this out-of-date mentality.  It's finally coming to a head.  So I don't believe this "problem" is with these women; I'm sure they're nice people.  But they're caught in this whirlwind of societal expectations.  On the one hand if she leaves her child, of course she'l be sad.  But she'll also be shunned, looked down upon, rejected by many and will not be seen as her expected role as good mother (still, in the 21st century.  I heard *gasps* in the audience during a preview when one mother said she didn't want her child). If she keeps her child, her spirit won't be broken and she won't have such a feeling of hopelessness.  I'm sure many think this is selfish and have the attitude of "If I can deal with it, you can to."  This is part of the baggage.  As mothers we still have this feeling that we need to "put up with things."  But in an age where women speak out more than any generation in the past, how can we live by the old way? 

And where is the father in all of this?  Why, in 2008, aren't people gasping and ostracizing to the same extent when he drops the ball on his responsibilities?  I have yet to see the show but it appears they don't have nearly the same involvement as the mother.  To think we still accept this is a shame.  I know this particular fact does not deal specifically with the show's topic, but what is the point of continually requiring children to come into this world when people are not ready?  Because they should pay the price of having sex?  Who wins?  The depressed/angry/feuding parents?  The child, who as Dr. Phil says, always can pick up tension signals and assume it's their fault your angry?  The taxpayers who may "potentially" have to pick up the tab if the child gets caught in "a bad way"?  And often, the cycle continues.  This problem on this show goes so much deeper than these singled-out cases.  We have a serious society crisis on our hands.
 
March 25, 2008, 1:20 am CDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

 never be afraid to reach out, ask for help and certainly dont feel too proud to accept help when it is actually offered

 

This was quoted and I have to respond...

 

Often times there is little to no help for what we need help with.  Right now, my son is 4, severely autistic (earlier posted), and he is on his 5th night of refusing to sleep.  He has severe immunity problems-- he has been seriously sick with colds and flus since October.  Do you what help there is for that?!  Here ya go ma'am here's a prescription for antibiotics, have a nice day.  Do you know how freaking hopeless it feels?  I have been to countless doctors and experts and no one can help me.  Then when I do try to get help through respit care, no one can handle him.   My son has just autism, not downs, and no one can handle him.  In order for me to get Respit care, I pay out of pocket about $10-15 an hour to get three hours of care.  I have a daughter, and she gets attacked daily by my son.  Autism is not like other disabilities.  There is LITTLE TO NO HELP out there for parents.  And if you go to get help for yourself you get thrown an Antidepressant and told to deal with it.  Please stop judging this woman, she is trying the best she can.  It's hard not to be tired of it.  I'm four years into this journey and most times when I get out, when my husband is gracious enough to take the kids, it takes every ounce of will power not to just leave and never come back.

 
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