Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

Or spend a week with their children, before we judge these mothers. I cannot imagine the sheer exhaustion and frustration of handling a 100 pound, angry infant day after day or sacrificing daily for a little girl who never, ever responds with a smile or a hug.

For centuries it was standard procedure to have Down syndrome children institutionalized. Somewhere along the line we began to expect the parents to deal with these children at home. In many, less severe, cases it all works out wonderfully but in other cases it means the family is destined to live an almost intolerable life while the child may not be the least bit happier than he would be after adjusting to the institution.

None of us has the right to make these decisions for other families or to judge another woman's capacity to love her children by saying that *we* would never give *our* child up. We just can't know that until we've had the same experience.

I could totally relate to you when I watched you this morning. I grew up with a special needs brother, Tim, who is much like your son Alex. Please do not feel guilty about placing him in a home. My mom and dad had to make the same difficult decision when placing my brother Tim. My mom was given the choice to raise my older brother and me (the "normal" kids) over taking all her time and energy with Tim. Tim has been in 3 homes and he has never been abused. He has been  taken care of by many loving nursing and teaching staff. He is now 38 years old and lives in a home with 7 other men in the same condition. He goes to work every day and is a productive member of society. I am so proud of my little brother!

 

My mom co-wrote a book about this subject of placing your kids. I haven't read it because it was written when I was little but it's called "Before and After Zachariah" by Fern Kupfer. You might find that is helpful to read about someone who has been in the same position.

 

I don't know what your religious beliefs are but please remember Jeremiah 29. "I have plans for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

 

May God bless you and I will pray for you and your family and that God will send guardian angels to watch over Alex while he is away.

 

Sincerely, Colette D. Marysville, OH

I heard clearly that Dr. Phil was planning to get "resources" to help the couple with the autistic son, and the couple with the adopted daughter--but all it seemed he did with Charity, the mom with four children, was bring her on to let her be humiliated in front of millions of viewers by admitting to the world how she wants to desert her children! This woman needs help, her whole family needs help!! She and her husband need parenting classes to teach them positive discipline--telling them it can be done is not enough! They actually need a live in coach for awhile, until things improve, and charity and the kids and Dad learn some new skills.  Telling her to stop crying and stop feeling guilty when she leaves the kids, and pointing to his own wife's success in learing to be away from their kids, is not good enoug!  I agree with the other writer above that she may well be suffering from depression.  If they have money, why doesn't she have a nanny, or some other support living in? Not that that is the answer--but he told them to get control first, then take a break and have some fun--she and her husband have tried to do both of thouse things obviously, and failed miserably! Now Dr. Phil has failed them also! I hope I am wrong, and that he has given them all kings of support and interventions--if not, I hope he will, and let us, the viewers know that he has doen so, and what progress has been made for all of these families--does Charity make it, and stay with her family--do they get it "together to be happy? I'd like to know.

As a mother of a child with severe autism, let me tell you why it's sometimes it's looked upon as so negative, because many times people view it as a problem with parenting.  Think of it this way, my son is 4 years old, I have had many many comments on how I am a bad parent for making him wear diapers, and "if I had 15 min with him he would be potty trained," or "if you would just discipline him, or spank him he would behave better."  How would you feel as a person with AS or ASD if you were punished for what you are?  You are a person, so is my son, and so am I.  Autism is not a fate worse than death, but it is from a parental prespective very hard to handle.  My son, for example, is on his 5th night in a row of not sleeping for more than 2 hours at a time.  While he is not sleeping he rages, where he hits me and his father, screams, and allows no one else in the house to sleep.  This is part of who he is, but it is difficult to have so little sleep and still be able to do simple things like go to work, and make money to help him get better.  I don't want to cure my son, I don't want to send him away, but there are few supports where I live, there is no time to recompose myself.  I know children and people who are autistic have a hard time emphatizing, and I don't know how to put it in terms that you would understand, or have empathy for us as parents.  I have sensory issues and a mild form of Aspergers.  I guess you could say, parenting a child young child with severe autism is like have a continual sensory overload, with no way to stim. 

Robyn, I have not yet seen the show, but from what I've read, it seems like Alyssa exhibits some very positive signs of being able to improve in some areas of concern.  For instance, it sounds like she behaves fairly well in other settings, is able to interact appropriately with others, etc., that most of her acting out and expression of such negative feelings comes at home, with you... strangely, that can be a GOOD sign; it may indicate that after a day of working hard to control herself, she feels secure enough with you to "let down and relax," so to speak.

 

I taught students with behavior disorders for many years, and I can't tell you how many times that happened... kid is assigned to my class, causes all kids of chaos, I might actually see a decline in behavior, I start thinking I am actually a negative influence on him; then the regular ed teachers start getting back to me with "Whatever you're doing with him, keep it up; he's a different child!  Way to go!"

Eventually, when the appropriate behavior becomes easier to manage and they don't have to expend so much energy away from home, the home life will settle down, too.

 

Hope that helps a little...

 

; )

i cant say nothing bad about any of the people on the show today because i think they are all very special parents, god only gives special children to special parents, even special parents need a break, god bless all the parents on todays show.

Why do people in the media (Dr Phil, local and national news) always state that the person "Suffers from"--Down syndrome (or other disability)?????

 

This  ruffles my feathers to no end.

As a mother of a daughter who has Down syndrome (she is 21)--I cannot imagine a person LESS 'suffering' than my daughter.  I have honestly not met any person with Down syndrome who seems to be 'suffering'.  And, I have yet to meet a family or person who says their child suffers as a result of Down syndrome.

Yes, they do have a developmental disability.  Do they suffer???  Hmmm....I don't think so.

It think it's time the media (and yes, you too Dr Phil)--threw out this old notion that people with disabilities  are 'suffering',  as if they are in pain or distress.

 

Just my .02.

 

Thanks--Peggy

 

Haven't seen the show - will have to DVR it because I have KID ACTIVITIES after school to deal with! My heart goes out to all that were posted in the preview. I don't have the experience of a blended family but I know it takes a lot of patience and it can be done well. As for the Autistic child - so many things are happening today - it's hit or miss and it is not easy I'm sure but I'm interested in watching and in my heart I know the Dr. Phil show will get this family some help. My niece has a high level of autism and it's taken several years but my sister-in-law has found the right school and teachers for them both. AND in the past year there is something with her diet that is making an improvement. I wish I knew the details - but all I know is that it does take commitment and well - it does take parents having a break too. My brother became a work-a-holic saying they needed the money to care for my niece. But it turned out - he was escaping. Last year my sister-in-law popped. Invited my parents to move in and they learned how to deal with their granddaughter and her routine. My father busted my brother. Told him to quit his job and let his wife go back to work for a year and then he could say that things were going okay. That didn't happen but my brother has become more of a team member. Sometimes people need to let off the steam. Now when my sister-in-law needs a break she takes it. My parents can't always be the ones to offer their help and it is A BIG Production when they do. My niece doesn't always seem to remember or respond to them so they have to move in for several days before my brother and his wife can take off for even a weekend. BUT IT CAN BE DONE. ~ ~ ~ ~ As for the run away Mom - oh honey - I've thought of it myself. Don't beat yourself up so much. But take control. I know I have been depressed lately and I'm searching for my value in all of this. I'm interested in watching the show but I want to tell you - you are not alone! Children are a gift from God but they are not always God like! Heaven bless all mothers and fathers for that matter. Peace be with you. - L

I am a brand new mother. Wanted to have children for years, and while pregnant, was thrilled. But as soon as I got my son home, I don't want him here. There is nothing wrong with him at all, a healthy, even "good" baby!! I just don't want to take care of him 24/7! I feel horrid thinking this. I can't stand being home like this for 12 weeks. I'm an RN and I do know better. But right now I feel like a spoiled kid. I feel so horrid thinking/feeling this way! I don't sleep much, I really can't eat but maybe once a day. I can drink (not alcohol) all day, but any food is not appetizing to me at all. My husband is incredibly supportive and tries with all his might to get me to "bond" with our son. I just don't feel a connection.
I go through the motions of taking care of him because I don't want any harm to come to him. I think often, why did I ever do this, become a mom?
I want my own mother here. She's agreed to be the day care for our son, but can't come for another 2 weeks. I can't stand this being alone all day!! I don't know what to do when except when he cries to change him and then feed him. He's only 3 weeks old. I just cry and cry and cry. And pray. I don't understand why I feel this way!!

I can't speak to the parents of the adopted children or the ones with disabilities because i have two beautifully healthy children.  But as for Charity I can totally relate.   Being a parent brings about guilt.  I feel guilty for not taking time out for me and then I feel guilty about the kids when I do.  Granted I am a single mom that works full time so when I am not working I sometimes feel it's my "duty" to spend all my time with my children.  My mom recently told me though that as a parent you have to be able to take care of yourself as well becuase eventually (we all hope) our children will go on and get lives of their own and if you haven't taken the time to develop who you are then you are lost when they go.  And if you haven't developed your own circle of friends and intrests you end up on the Dr. Phil show as one of the nosy buttinsky in laws.... LOL  Somewhere there is a balance between the person that is the parent and the person's own self.... if I can ever find that balance and not feel guilty I will share on a future post.