Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

I HAVE A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD WITH A SEVERE SEIZURE DISORDER A LEARNING DISABILITY THAT AT 7 YEARS PUTS HER MENTAL AGE AT 12-18 MO AND SHE HAS SECONDARY AUTISUM. SHE HAS VERY AGGRESSIVE DAYS AND I AM ALONE WITH HER AND MY OTHER 3 KIDS WHO ALL HAVE RAD TO SOME DEGREE DUE TO BEING ADOPTED/FOSTERED. I HAVE NEVER CONSIDERED LEAVING MY CHILDREN OR ALLOWING THEM PLACEMENT AWAY FROM  HOME. I KNEW IF THERE WERE ISSUES I NEEDED TO BEEDUCATED ON PROVIDING THE BEST OF CARE. THAT'S WHAT I'VE DONE. WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN MY GOALS AND DREAMS CHANGED AND I DON'T REGRET GIVING HER ALL I CAN. IT'S CALLED BEING A MOTHER. EVERYWOMAN WANTS THE "PERFECT" HEALTHY BABY, BUT REALITY IS IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAPPEN, YU LIVE WITH WHAT YOU ARE GIVEN AND LEARN TO LOVE EACH PRECIOUS MOMENT WITH YOUR KIDS.

Expecting more...sure is not being cruel.  I thought of Alex and Alyssa...she is 10, he is 12.  The parents HAVE to do some long term planning for both of these children.  Think the day won't come when they are no longer "children"?  Handicapped or not, time will pass, they will age...nothing we like to admit, but as parents, so will we grow older. 

Yesterday is gone...unfortunately, I feel time was wasted in both of these situations, but it's gone.  We can all sit here and judge from today till infinity about the injustice of that, however, fact of life...it happened. 

Today, I agree with GRT...Alex needs in-house trearment so he can be the best he can, and really, so does Alyssa.   If the time they have NOW is not spent in high productive proactivity for the best growth of these children, think of tomorrow...parents are older, Alex and Alyssa are handicapped adults.  Face facts, we age, we tire more easily...we get illnesses,  eventually, unless the worst of the worst happens, we will predecease our children. 

Is it fair for either family to continue on this hamster on a wheel existence...going round and round to move exactly to where?  The same place they started...and with all due respect to the fathers, they have lost sight of  the CIRCLE OF LIFE.  WE WON'T BE HERE, the children will.  Where will that be? 

IF Alex cannot function outside of a group home, with supervision, now is the time to find this out..to place him while the parents are still young and healthy enough to be involved, to be with him...maybe take weekends or vacations with him.  Yet, know he is placed and will have care...whatever the level may be.

If this is NOT taken into account now, what happens in the future?  A State appointed Nursing Home? 

Unless a family has great wealth and can pay for long term in home care, a plan had best be in place for the day when they either physically can no longer do it, or they are dead.  Not a pleasant thought...facing your own mortality...but we do it with wills, health care proxys...because it is reality. 

We all hope for the best...suppose the best is not independent living? 

There are so many layers to these problems, I really hope that the families take the help that is being offered and prepare to make some plans for the future of both of these children.

I commend all of the women who do care for severely handicapped children at home...but I hope, while doing this task, they have faced the fact that a day will come when they simply cannot do it.  I hope that a plan is in place for every child who is not going to have the ability to be independent...

There is no disrespect intended, just a question to anyone who is doing full time custodial care...is there a plan for "that day" we don't want to think about while we are relatively young, healthy and able.  I wish it lasted forever, but it doesn't. 

The children are owed the opportunity to get to their highest level of function, and be that what it may, deal with the future based on reality.  God does provide...he gives us a brain so we can think, make choices...hard ones, but to best prepare all of our children for the day when we can't be caregivers.

My hope is that the help offered will give a better picture of what can and cannot be expected of these children so they don't end up in a "warehouse" at 40.  Children do get older, so do parents.  Fact of life.

I read many of the massages on the board.  I was appalled at the insensitivity, lack of compassion and ignorance of many of the comments.,  I have a 19 yr old son with autism and cerebral palsy, and and my daughter, now 21 were adopted.  My daughter was a special needs adoption from Thailand.  Neither was easy to raise.  My daughter now lives with her boyfriend in another state and is happy and productive.  We did not have an easy time of it, but not as difficult as Alyssa's mom.  We did eventually seek help during her teen years and I wish  we had gone sooner.  She was quite willing to trade our family in for just about anyone else.  At one point she met a boy through an adoptive support group who led her to think she could live with him, and his parents since he still lived at home.  We were treated like poorly functioning servants for weeks until I fingered out what was going on and called his mother.  My daughter was quite chagrined to discover that no, his mother did not want to raise a young girl, still a freshman in high school so she and her boyfriend could live together in their religious home.  It did not help that while we were going through this I was very ill with a severe eye abrasion and I was in a lot of physical pain.  I was extremely sensitive to light and could not leave my darkened bedroom.  After a visit with her visiting boyfriend, they were in town staying with relative for the Christmas holidays, she would come in and walk directly in her room, never asking how I was or if she could help her Dad out in any way.  We all survived that and other unpleasant moments and get along well.  She is old enough to realize  that despite our difficulties we had her best interests at heart.  While I am proud of her and our accomplishments as well, there is a bit of sadness that somewhere there was a child who might have ENJOYED  living with us.   Not all children will bond well with just any family any more than you can have a good marriage with any person.  In International adoptions there is not waiting period where the family and clod can spend a little time getting to know on another.  It no unknown for the adopting parents to return to the placing agency and seek help.  The child is not usually returned to the country of origin but placed with a different family better suited to or qualified to deal with the child's problems and personality.  A member of my adoption support group found themselves in such a situations, the beautiful 7 yr old they had waited and sacrificed so much for to bring home did not want to leave the Philippines and did not like their children to the point of tossing their 2 yr old down the stairs and sneaking into their daughter's bedroom at night.  Their social worker agreed the situation was not the best and he was a danger to the there children in the house.  No one was cold and unloving, sucking it up or getting over themselves was not the issue.  He as subsequently placed in an adoptive home where he was the youngest of 5  Filipino brothers with parents who had experience with angry little boys.  The original family went on to adopt another Little boy with whom they bonded and everyone came out much happier.   From the comments I read you would have thought it was all the mother's fault that things were not working well when she made it clear she had bonded with another daughter.  Children are not angels, they react to their experiences and learn all kinds of  ways to adapt , not all of them are healthy.  My daughter bonded with every teacher she had, just as she had to a variety of orphanage caretakers.  When you are one of one hundred kids you have to do what it takes to get the attention you need to thrive.  And the children soon learned all kinds of tricks to deal with the ladies they did not like, you soon become one of there unpopular ladies when you are the one who has to say no, you cannot where your fancy party dress to school, or no, just filling up the spelling book with random words is not doing your homework.      I was also amazed a the people who were    upset that Cyndi had to drag Alex around, while that is not ideal for either of them Alex was 90 lbs and not willing to go where he had to go.  In our house the bus come at 8:30 a.m.  I am responsible for getting my son on that bus.  Various drivers have made it quite clear that that cannot wait  arid for us, our latest driver has a child who gets violently agitated it the route is delayed.  The world does no revolve around Alex's desires now or ever.  It is good he walks for his father but that not mean he wished to do the same for Mom.  The woman needs help and training as does Alex.  I believe that is why they were one the show,  Cyndi  was well aware that their routine was not working well for anyone in the family.  She does not want  it to continue, applauder her, don't vilify her.  She was not given a magic wand to get Alex from point A to point B  in a manner that suits you, YOU TRY IT, before you criticize.  As for those you gushing  sorts who said you would be happy to have a child like Alyssa, put your money where your mouth is, there are plenty a Alyssas just waiting for homes.  That family did not wade through all that paperwork, spend a great deal of money just get an ego boost.  Like most adoptive parents we want to build a family and feel we can be fl exile enough to welcome a child that needs us.  You do not expect gratitude from a child, you do expect to be able to live with them without everyday dealing with crisis after crisis.  To all those who have disable children and still have criticism, your situation is not identical, you may have better services, you may have an more easy going disposition, for which you should thank the Lord because  you are very lucky.

You should be offering helpful ideas not put downs.  As for not wanting to raise a mentally, physically disabled child, who in there right mind wants severe disabilities for there child.  And who in their right mind thinks they would be great at it.  Life surprises you and you do the best you can and getting help when you are drowning is no shame.  You cannot suck it up when there is nothing left to suck up, you've sucked it all up already and when there is no self to get over what then?  Stress makes you sick and even less able to function, just keeping trying and you die.  Then the child ends up without  you and probably ends up in an institution anyway.  Our country does not want to invest in institutions or help families with dis abed members, not enough money, we would no want to tax the wealth unduly.  But good care costs money.  Think about that when you vote.

Bull crap!!! Alex is just a child that was put in a box, and taught nothing but anger. When he was younger it was easier to pick him up and move him then teach him. and now that he is bigger they are reaping what they soed. I would bet a 100 to a dollar that Alex learns all kinds of new things at the school the Doc sends him to. I will bet that Alex learns some new words besides mean. Because someone will take the time to teach him instead of thinking he is not able. No child will learn if they are not given the tools to do so typical or disabled, we as their parents are tools and teachers and if as parents we choose the easy way for us then we also choose a harder way for them to overcome what lies in front of them. The Mother choose to pick him up and move him place to place instead of teaching him with picture books or words . The mother just didn't have the want to teach her child as she said when she found out he had Autism it was to much.

Read the trans, You don't hear a mother that says I have tried everything to teach him the things he needs to grow and learn,  No you will hear a woman that complains about what life has given her without trying to fix it to make it better, and a child suffering because of her weakness.

Could be I'm a selfish person, but I don't hurt anyone.  Never would I adopt a special needs child.  The sacrifices to me would make my life hell, and would seep over onto the child. I saw this show, wondering what Robyn thought she would be in for with Alyssa.  I think it best to stay away from this situation because you are not forced into it, you choose it.  It sure beats wanting to send her back, hating her, and having a joyless life.

Now with Alex...I do not judge that woman, I worry about her.  Like it or not, abortions are legal, and amnio is available .  If you feel that way, have the test and abort.  Watching that life, I would rather be dead myself than to face it every day.

I know there are people who do it joyfully.  I could not.  Some people can.  Some cannot.

I have two children.  They are 5 years apart because it was the way my husband and I planned to have our family.  I had an amnio both times, an alpha fetal protein test, which is a simple blood test, I had sonagarams.  Had I learned of a serious birth defect, I admit to it, I would have aborted.  After my second, my tubes were tied.  We pay our bills, obey the laws, raise our daughters to be responsible human beings.  We save money for college, ask nothing from anyone.  We pay tax, work, and yes, we do enjoy life.  I'm not sorry.  Believe me, I have had my share of hearaches in other ways.  Ways that may have put some of the more righteous posters away.  You wouldn't  have wanted mine, and I don't want this.

Judge me as you choose.  I see Dr. Phil and Robin stopped at two.  Nobody is raking them over the coals. 

The third woman did not have to have four kids.  Her husband could have had a vasectomy, if she didn't want tubal ligation.

In todays world, there are not the close families or supoort teams.  Families live far apart, they have their own things, and today, most people go to work.  Support is not a phone call saying hope all is well.

The show only made me stronger in my conviction that I could not do this.  I don't want to.  It is not in me. 

I did not see it in either Cyndi or Robyn.  The children are not in the best homes, and yes, their lives are hell.  Love the kids enough to give them to someone who has what we lack.  Realize, we have talents they they may lack.  It's not a contest, but a life choice. 

Sorry if I offended anyone, but that show only showed the tip of the iceberg.  Hell to one, is a gift to another.  So give the kids to people who have the ability to do this and not live in hell. Most people could not live like that.  Alyssa would have been sent back and Alex would have been placed.  Think people don't do it?  Think again.  I do not judge anyone who has an abortion.  I would.  I don't desreve to be slapped, arrested or have anything done to me that was suggested on this topic, for the idea of terminating pregnancy.  You don't have to have one, but it is legal, and I am one person who would. 

I read your post a few days ago.  I agree with you, and I felt a need to voice my opinion on this very sensitive subject.  I was called "ignorant" by another poster.  Maybe there really are people who can do this and can see it as a blessing.  I am not one of them.  I really did not want to offend anybody who has a special needs child, but you have two, and you feel the same as I.  The worry about the future that will come is not a blessing.  You are not selfish at all, you are very realistic.  Our health care and the institutions for special needs adults are no blessing either, if you look at all of them.  I will not say that some are not good.  All should be, but with budget cuts and our priorities being exploring outter space, I doubt it will ever happen.

I could not do what you are doing without having a nervous breakdown.  Add to that, the worry about the future, I think I'd be the one in the institution.  Maybe I am weak.  I just see this world as being hard enough without making it harder.  I did have tests and I would have terminated my pregnancies for the children, and for myself.  I would hate to be a mother like Cyndi and I think I would be.

If anything were to happen to my children, I would take the best care of them, love them, and do whatever it took make them comfortable.  Would I see my child becomming an amputee as a blessing?  No I would see it as something terrible.  Ask anyone "Do you want to be maimed?  Brain damaged?  Crippled? and would you see this as a blessing?"  If they are honest, I doubt you would get one YES. 

I read another poster stating something about a living will, refusing anything to prolong life if there was no quality.  These legal documents did not come into our society because of blessings, they came about to not prolong suffering if the pateint chooses to die.  The children have no choice, and I just wonder if they were able, would they see their lives as being blessed? 

Funny, how that works.  You or I can decide not to have any procedure done to us, citing quality of life, but if we make a choice for an unborn child, our own, we are said to be rejecting this blessing.  Better it came from you,  but I see no blessing in this either, not for you or for your children.