Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

What I still haven't seen addressed is what the young mom said was "The guilt" for having these feelings. None of the moms have said or done anything despicable, they are just expressing the thoughts that most people have but never express for fear of public scorn; even when the rest of the public probably has had these thoughts and feelings themselves at some point.

When a parent is raising children with physical or emotional handicaps it is 'more acceptable' for them to vent there pains and frustrations. When parents who have children without disabilities have feelings of being overwhelmed  or need a break then they are viewed in the public eye as bad parents or that they don't love their children. This is ridiculous!!

All the parents on the show OBVIOUSLY love their children or they wouldn't be asking for help. We don't and can't love every second of every day and it is OK to admit it!!

Thanks for showing us it's OK to talk about those 'deep dark thoughts' that creep in at moments of sheer exhaustion and frustration. We need not feel guilty about them anymore. They are normal and OK. Take a break when you need it, take help if it's offered, treasure the good times, and hold on for dear life during the bad.

Like the majority of kids who have been adopted from the orphanages in Ukraine, Russia, China, Romania etc., Alyssa does not only have RAD she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome as well.  IThe physical dysmorphologies are very obvious as are the behavioural and neurological damage in this child.  How could you miss this?

There is no cure for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and it also makes the RAD essentially impossible to treat.  Children with RAD are often sociopaths.  This is called Conduct Disorder in childhood and becomes Antisocial Personality Disorder in Adulthood.  Charles Manson was born to a hard partying 16 year old girl who was a heavy drinker.  Does that put the seriousness off FASD/RAD into perspective for you?  80% of repeat violent offenders in the federal penitentiary system have histories consistent with FASD.

These kids can learn to mimic appropriate behaviors and become very good at acting really sweet around other people if they are getting the attention they want. They also triangulate between the mother and father and provoke conflict with the mother.  They try to become daddy's "partner" sometimes even trying to take over the role of spouse. They can become very sexual toward males as well.  This father better be very careful. It is typical for these kids to behave very differently with daddy and with people outside of the home.  It is also very common for these kids to make false allegations.  You are playing with fire and you are advising these people to place themselves and their marriage in grave danger.

No amount of attention can ever fill them up. They want it all and they are never satisfied.  They want everything they see but once they have it they could care less.  Medications can help to control the rages somewhat but they do not cure them and they do not stop them completely.  Alyssa is not going to change for the better.  Her behaviours will get worse as she hits the teenage years.  If you want to know what it is like to live with these kids come on over to faslink.org and join us in our discussion group. 

New research coming out of Britain also states that some cases of autism are also caused by maternal drinking during pregnancy, therefore there are cases of autism that are actually a part of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders.  When are you going to start telling people the truth about these things Dr. Phil?  Do you have shares in the Alcohol Industry or what? You seem to avoid confronting this issue at all costs.

I have 3 adopted children with FASD and it is extremely difficult to live with. The youngest one has RAD because we didn't get her out of the foster care system until she was 4.  She has no remorse, she is not embarrassed or ashamed about anything she does, no matter how horrible it is.  She has a sense of entitlement and takes whatever she wants, whenever she wants and no consequences make any difference at all.  She has caused our older two children such emotional and psychogical distress that they became suicidal because she wants to be an only child and she is extremely manipulative and cruel to them.  She is nearly 12 and the older she gets the worse she gets.  Life with our teenagers with FASD is a nightmare and they don't have RAD.

You have no idea what you are dealing with here and you had better get yourself educated about it if you are going to continue to do programs about kids with behavioural disorders.  FASD is the leading cause of disabilities.  People with FASD also have a mental illness rate of 90%.  The average age of diagnosis is 8 years old because most kids with FASD do not show any signs until they begin school.  That being said, only a small number ever get diagnosed because nobody dares to ask the birth mother if she drank when she was pregnant.  Do not advise other people to do something you could not and would not do yourself.  This is something you absolutely can not understand until you have lived with it.

I sincerely hope Cyndi reads this message. No one can argue that you have a difficult life, but if you think for one second that only you are leading a difficult life, then it's time for you to wake up. Do you think that he doesn't feel like a prisoner in his own body? Do you think because of his disabilities he does not sense your resentment or hatred for him? Do you notice how he only says the word "mean" to you? This is what he feels in his heart and you may think he knows no better but he does. He has a heart and he feels, whether you know it or not. God gives us what He gives us and the rest is up to us. You are doing nothing to improve your son's life. I have tutored an autistic boy for 5 years. He was diagnosed with severe autism and mental retardation. His behaviors when he was a child make a day with your son look like a day at the park. His mother, who devoted her life to her son, did everytying she could to give her son life. And you know what? They said he would never speak. He is currently attending a regular public junior high school. I can assure you, he is a changed boy. Not because his mother felt sorry for herself everyday but because she worked her fingers to the bone to help him. Cyndi, your husband seems to actually care for your son and love him. He wants Alex to live with him forever, but what you two need to realize is that one day you'll be gone, and Alex will still be here. For God's sake, teach him to live not only for your own benefit but for his own. Make him self-sufficient so he can enjoy life. Forget about you...think about him and let him live. You have the power to do it. The Lovaas program is a good start. Alex would have had a better chance with early intervention, but he still stands a chance now. I know your life is tough and it will always be, but look around you. You're not the only one who has lived through pain and suffering. My sister died of cancer when she was only 2 years old and now it's almost 30 years since she died and my parents are still unable to speak of her without choking on their tears. The pain doesn't go away. And no matter what, they can't bring her back to life. But you, you have the chance to give your son life and just as you say he "chooses" not to walk up the stairs, you are choosing not to give him life. It breaks my heart and I will keep Alex in my prayers and hope that one day in his life, his mother learns to care for him and love him. Loving him, truly loving him, would be the first step to helping him.

I think you have given many people a lot to think about!

Anyone who takes a child into their home, knowing that there will be challenges and bad days, truly has the Spirit of God in their hearts! It takes a very special person to adopt any child at all....but, one with such difficulties...well...you're a better person than I!

It's too easy for us, who are on the outside, to ask that ignorant question: "Didn't you know what you were getting into"...as if everyone should just ignore these desperately- in- need children like they are not worth the trouble because they aren't perfect. Who knows....these children you take in could someday save the world; find a cure for cancer; save the lives of others....you never know the impact you may have on another person, who will then impact the lives of many others.

It's something we ALL ought to keep in mind when we interact with others, however we choose to walk through this world! 

There has to be a special place in Heaven for people like you!  

I feel for these children. Sure sometimes it's tough to be a Mother, but those children didn't choose who their parents would be. Robyn needs to realize that sometime Alyssha may feel out of place, but give it a chance. Sometime Mothers need to take a break, and Fathers need to step in and help in. I'm sure most do, but those that don't need to start

stepping up and giving their wives a break from Motherhood at times. My Mother raised me all alone form the time I was three years old. My Father abandoned us when I was three. I had many Father figure in my life, but my Mother had to be a Father and Mother to me, and she did a great job.  Yes, Motherhood is tough sometimes, but think of the rewards of seeing a child you raised becoming a responsible adult.

Your post was long and I don't usually read posts that long, but your story caught my interest right away and I found myself reading it all.

May I suggest that you put your family's story down in book form and try to get it published? I think it would be inspirational for others who need some encouragement.

Please give it serious consideration. 

Have you been evaluated for Postpartum Depression?  It does sound like you have many of the symptoms.  I think every new mom needs to follow up with a psychiatrist because of the PPD risk and because it is a major life change.  I don't think you're "selfish" at all, nurses have hormones like everyone else and you have a right to feel the way you do no matter what occupation you have.  However, I just think you need help.  My advice (from one RN to another), seek out a psychiatrist and your OB/GYN (there may be a biological reason youre not eating very well, also).  Please see a doctor to be sure.

This last woman I don't totally understand. The first two have more of a handle and reason then this last one ever will. I have a son who is ADHD and Neurologically Impaired--meaning he is about 4 yrs behind everyone his age and he is 19. Believe me I felt overwhelmed at times but I never ever thought about leaving my kids. Believe me Justin was a handle when he was little and growing up he got into plenty of trouble that we had to work through with doctors and special school. My daughter is fine she has no problems and got into trouble also but we took care of it and I think this last one just needs to have a time to go shopping by herself or with friends. My late husband always told me go get out have a night with your friend after taking care of the kids 24/7 he'd say you need some time to yourself and I took it believe me and it helped. Just having a few hours can make you see things in a different light. I also know the overwhelming feeling you get when you don't get that time out because for the last seven years I haven't had that advantage anymore because my husband was killed in a car accident so believe me all those single mothers out there that have been doing it on there own from day one you sincerely have my congratulations on being able to do it because it is difficult doing it on your own.