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Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

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Created on : Thursday, March 20, 2008, 12:38:55 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Dare: 03/25/08) Motherhood isn't always about the good times, like baking brownies and having game night with the family. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they can’t cope with their children, and they’re running out of resources. Robyn adopted her 10-year-old daughter, Alyssa, six years ago from the Ukraine and says she actually has thoughts of sending the girl back. Robyn says that Alyssa hasn’t bonded with her and doesn’t know how to love anyone. She says her daughter screams, cries, yells and even threatened to kill herself! Robyn’s husband, Joe, can’t imagine living without his adoptive daughter and intends to stand by his commitment to the child. What's the real reason Robyn never bonded with Alyssa? Then, Cyndi says if she’d known her 12-year-old son, Alex, had autism and Down syndrome, she may not have brought him into the world. She says he hits himself, screams, grunts at the top of his lungs and wears two pairs of diapers at a time because he’s not potty trained. Her husband, Ulis, says he doesn’t find it difficult to care for Alex, but Cyndi says she’s exhausted and overwhelmed. Should the boy be institutionalized? Find out what Dr. Phil thinks. Plus, meet a mom with four kids who’s already left home twice. Now she’s scared she may leave again — this time for good. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.


 
queen13
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March 25, 2008, 2:57 pm PDT

choosing to live the dream, not the nightmare

Quite frankly, Cyndi's attitude toward her special needs child is hard to watch. It is not how all mothers of special needs children feel. But we are not all cut out for this type of parenting. Nothing can prepare you. I am a mother of 3. 2 of my children are special needs. 2 of them are going blind. One of my sons has cerebral palsy and is severly autistic. So I know what it is like when your child is smearing his fesces all over the place. I know what it is like to have a child who cannot walk at all. I am use to only getting 2-3 hours of sleep everyday. I do not have any family to rely on for a break. I know the meltdowns. I've lived in doctors offices and hospitals for the past several years. It is hard work, but it can be very rewarding. I also know that they these special children are blessings and can bring so much joy if you have the right attitude. They have so much love to give and receive if just given the chance. I also know that they are my dream come true, not a nightmare. She shouldn't being putting her responsibilities on her daughter. That girl should be worrying about growing up and getting good grades, not having to play mommy to her brother because Mom won't get out of bed. I would never put that on my girl. The fact that she would have aborted him if she knew her child would be retarded is also hard to hear. My son's CP came from his cord being wrapped around his neck. No doctor can tell you that is going to happen. Her boy is calling her "mean" for a reason. It is how he feels. He seems to be communicating that part pretty clear.
 
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lunamagician
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March 25, 2008, 2:57 pm PDT

Very Tired

I am a stay at home mom with 2 wonderful children.  My son has ADHD and is 8 going on 9, and my daughter is 17 months, and according to the doctor shows no signs of ADHD.  I know what it is like raising a child with behavior issues, and its not easy, but I hear you moms that do not get a break at all. Being a mom is a 24/7 plus job.  I eat, sleep,use the restroom children all day and night.  My husband works a full time job in an other time zone, so when he gets home from work, dinner, homework, and bath time has already come and gone.  By the time we eat at night, its time for bed, and get ready for another day of un-balanced mom.  I have depression which thank the Lord I am on medication now, but a break now and then is realy needed.  I am hopeing that my mom reads this.  She even lives down the street and never asked to take the kids for the night.  I guess I need to find a babysitter!!!!

 

I love your show Dr Phil!
 
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pectwita1
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March 25, 2008, 2:59 pm PDT

Sad??

Quote From: shadycat1

 Not all women are cut out to be Mothers, sad but true reality. Unfortunately, many of them don't find that out until after they have children.
Babies are cute, but they require 24/7 care, and then the different ages and stages can be frustrating, parenthood isn't something you "try on " like a new outfit, the new outfit you can donate to charity or return if you figure out you don't like it.
One of the biggest disservices I've seen done to international adoptees, is seeing the shows that show the happy family with few issues, sadly this isn't the case tha majority of the times.  These children usually come from orphanages where there are many children per worker, they have never been taught to bond with one person, or they come from conditions that have made them unable to feel safe and secure, I'm not saying it dosen't work, it can and does but those are the parents that go into this with an open mind and have researched the reality of how these children have been living, and what issues can come up from this.
As for the disabled, "but for the Grace of God go I", I've never dealt with it.  But for her husband to say its easy, he probably goes to work every day, and I wouldn't be surprised if she is with the child 24/7 and needs a break.  Sometimes we need a break from our so-called "Normal children" , they can be a handful and frustrating, so a child that has Down's Syndrome and Autism cannot be easy, and those parents do need help and compassion, this Mom can't leave her son with the neighbor's teen daughter and go shopping for an hour or two, and maybe the grandparents cannot physically help, or they have no other family around that can give her a break.
Mom coming and going, not good.  If she can't handle it and her husband can, then maybe there should be a role reversal, she be the weekend parent and he be the single parent.  Coming and going like that is not good for the children's state of mind or their feeling of security.
I do wish people would get to know themselves first before having children, the reality is rarly the same as the dream.
 

 "Not all women are cut out to be Mothers, sad but true reality"

This is not sad. I had a tubal when I was 21 and I am now 39  and never regretted it for a second. Kids are not an attractive option for everyone and life is bliss without them. My hubby who had a vasectomy at age 24 agrees
 
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bootjack
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March 25, 2008, 3:03 pm PDT

red flags for me

 1) The husband won't "let" his wife put their child in a home.  She needs help and he needs to man up and let himself help her.  They are in this together.  Trade days for caregiving,hire help, find respite.
2) Look at the barriers to home care.  Why are they living in a house with stairs?  Where is the nearest bathroom?  Why are they lifting him?  They are not lifting him safely and if they don't hurt themselves this week it could be next week --or they could hurt him.  Manual lifts are available.  If husband won't let him be in a facility they need to spend the bucks on making the environment safe. Such denial.  And how do you clean poop off a microfiber couch.  You can almost always train the bowels to evacuate at the same time or times every day.  The parents are stuck in a bad place and need education.
 
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mynameismom
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March 25, 2008, 3:05 pm PDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

Quote From: starfire426

I have not an iota of sympathy for Charity or her tears!!! As she stated, she has a husband, healthy children, a home and money (question: why doesn't she hire some help with those children if she's all that incapable of handling the situation?)

I'm a recent "empty-nester" and loving it...however, as a single mom raising two daughters, at times on a very limited income, I can truthfully say, I thoroughly enjoyed watching and being a part of the lives of my daughters, knowing that I, in some small measure played a significant role in the independent young women they've become.

What Charity is suffering from is what I refer to as a form of not having come"full-circle." She said that she started having her children in her early 20's which is a time at which I'm sure much of her peer group were in college or beginning to pursue their careers. Charity made a concious choice: to get married and have 4 children. Those beautiful children are now here and she's now claiming "buyer's remorse!" Get over yourself , girl!!!

Hire some help, enroll in some classes at your local community college...get a degree and MOVE ON!!! Stop your sniveling and GROW UP for heaven's sake!!! Your children are watching you...and they will become what they are witness to.
I don't recall her asking for your sympathy. She even stated she feels she should always be happy but she's not. I think it was brave of her to go on and say hey I'm not perfect, I loose my cool and get in over my head sometimes. Tons of people feel that way and hopefully now they will be more willing to talk about it. I know I am.
 
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beblessed55
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March 25, 2008, 3:05 pm PDT

TIRED OF BEING A MOM

Quote From: knipperdog99

I too have four children.  At one point three years ago I felt lost and somewhat like the mom on the show today.  I went on prosac for depression and anxiety.  It has helped tremedously.  I didn't realize what normal was.  I know that drugs are not for all, but I did try eating healthier, exercising, and using vitamins for years and in my 30's it just stopped working.  Today I feel fantastic.

 

Also, join a mothers group to find support.  I am a part of MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) which is an international group.  Check out the website and find one near you.  We cater to moms of all backgrounds, religions, marital types, children with special needs, you name it.  It's a great way to find out that there are other moms out there feeling the same way you do.  Nobody is perfect no matter how they seem on the outside.

 

Good luck.  It can be done.

FOR ALL THE MOMS, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR CHILDREN.  NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY GO THROUGH, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I DON'T EVEN WANT ANY OF YOU TO THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH...HOWEVER, YOU DON'T GET TO JUST GIVE UP ON YOUR CHILDREN, NO MATTER WHAT PROBLEMS, DISABILITIES , THEY MAY HAVE.  THEY ARE A GIFT FROM GOD AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, GOD DOES NOT PUT ANYMORE ON US THAN WE CAN STAND...PERHAPS YOU SAY ALL CLICHES...I AM A STRONG, CHRISTIAN WOMAN WHO HAS HAD MY SHARE OF DIFFICULTIES......HOWEVER, I DON'T GIVE UP...TAKE ALL OF THIS TO JESUS AND I PROMISE YOU...IF YOU ASK FOR HIS HELP, HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH.  HOLLERING AT YOUR CHILDREN, LETTING THEM KNOW YOU ARE FRUSTRATED, YOU'VE REACHED THE END OF YOUR ROPE, IS NOT GOING TO HELP THE SITUATION.  WHEN YOU FEEL AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE AND YOU JUST FEEL YOU CAN'T GO ON....TALK TO GOD...READ YOUR WORD....TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF.  AS A MOTHER MYSELF, I WANTED TO TAKE ONE CHILD AND HIT THE OTHER ONE WITH ....BUT WE ALL GO THROUGH SOMETHING.  PLEASE....CYNDI...MAKE EVERY ATTEMPT NOT TO HOLLER AT ALEX......TRY TO BE SOOTHING AND SOFT SPOKEN.  MY MOTHER WHO I LOVE DEARLY, WAS VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE TO ME AND AT THE AGE OF 56 I STILL CAN REMEMBER THE HURTFUL THINGS SHE SAID AND DIDI TO ME.  ALTHOUGH ALEX IS AUTISTIC AND HAS DOWN SYNDROME, HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S NOT FEELING PAIN WHEN YOU SCREAM AND YELL AT HIM.  I DON' T SAY ANY OF THIS TO HURT YOU OR THE OTHER MOTHERS, BUT THINK ABOUT IT....IS YOUR METHOD  WORKING?  TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ALL THE ASSISTANCE DR PHIL OFFERS AND I WILL BE PRAYING FOR ALL OF YOU. AN EXCELLENT WESITE I MIGHT SUGGEST FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS......CHRISTIANITY.COM......I'M PRAYING RIGHT NOW FOR ALL OF YOU...IT WON'T BE EASY, BUT YOU CAN DO THIS.......REMEMBER...GOD IS WATCHING ALL OF US...BE  BLESSED..... 
 
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jpopky
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March 25, 2008, 3:05 pm PDT

Moms at the Breaking Point

Quote From: shadycat1

 Not all women are cut out to be Mothers, sad but true reality. Unfortunately, many of them don't find that out until after they have children.
Babies are cute, but they require 24/7 care, and then the different ages and stages can be frustrating, parenthood isn't something you "try on " like a new outfit, the new outfit you can donate to charity or return if you figure out you don't like it.
One of the biggest disservices I've seen done to international adoptees, is seeing the shows that show the happy family with few issues, sadly this isn't the case tha majority of the times.  These children usually come from orphanages where there are many children per worker, they have never been taught to bond with one person, or they come from conditions that have made them unable to feel safe and secure, I'm not saying it dosen't work, it can and does but those are the parents that go into this with an open mind and have researched the reality of how these children have been living, and what issues can come up from this.
As for the disabled, "but for the Grace of God go I", I've never dealt with it.  But for her husband to say its easy, he probably goes to work every day, and I wouldn't be surprised if she is with the child 24/7 and needs a break.  Sometimes we need a break from our so-called "Normal children" , they can be a handful and frustrating, so a child that has Down's Syndrome and Autism cannot be easy, and those parents do need help and compassion, this Mom can't leave her son with the neighbor's teen daughter and go shopping for an hour or two, and maybe the grandparents cannot physically help, or they have no other family around that can give her a break.
Mom coming and going, not good.  If she can't handle it and her husband can, then maybe there should be a role reversal, she be the weekend parent and he be the single parent.  Coming and going like that is not good for the children's state of mind or their feeling of security.
I do wish people would get to know themselves first before having children, the reality is rarly the same as the dream.
 

I watched today intrigued, because there would be talk of physically disabled people. Then I got frustrated. But I do have a low tolerance, so maybe I'm wrong. First, that first mother describing her daughter as "disfigured" was horrid, and Dr. Phil not calling her on it was despicable. I think if that Mom didn't have that emotional baggage he wouldn't have insulted her like that, but to let it slide like that.
My next problem is going to get electronic stones hurled at me. And really, it's no ones fault on the show. Perhaps I should say I'm a Clinical Therapist, working with children and teens. RAD is not a DX that everyone agrees with- not to say nothing's wrong, just that specific DX could easily fall under several others. I have lots of other thoughts, but apparently, I talk too much. I do think all 3 of the women are trying their best, but haven't been able to access community resources.
 
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cmmonaghan
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March 25, 2008, 3:06 pm PDT

Been there too

 

 

I am a Mother of 2 disabled children.  My Daughter is 16 with Angelman syndrome, son is 13 and had a Stroke before birth.  I can relate to the mother of the son with down and Autism, her story looked just like my life up until recently.  On March 1st this year I placed my daughter in a group home for children like her.  I think it is the best thing we ever did for her.  She is so happy there she has other children who are like her around her all day and every 8 hours or less new staff comes in to take over so no caregivers get overtired.  She never sleeps much but there is always someone in the home awake.  Some of her worst times here at home were overnight when she would get up and raid the fridge and the food cabinet.  I was so tired at the end of the day I didnt even wake up when she would get up.  She adjusted right away to her new surroundings.. We brought her home for Easter weeekend and she acted like a totally different child.  My son has also started to bloom more because he now gets more attention from us he has behavioral problems from the stroke and the seizures he has had over the years have made him mentally delayed but he is doing better now that we can focus more on him and not just our daughter.  I just wanted to let people know that its not all bad to put the precious special needs kids in homes where the people are trained to teach them and deal with their problems.  Its a slow process it took us a year and a half to finally find the right home but now im so happy we waited because we found a great home for her. Only 6 children in the home and the best thing for her is the huge back yard she can go outside and explore which is one of her favorite things to do.

 

A much less stressed Mom
 
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bettylamanna
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March 25, 2008, 3:07 pm PDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

These women are just selfish. If they didn't want kids then why did they have them. I want kids so badly, it hurts. I was told that I may never have kids of my own. I would jump at the chance to be a mom. And I think that these women should count their blessings and stop being so damn heartless and selfish.
 
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apromes
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March 25, 2008, 3:08 pm PDT

03/25 Tired of Being a Mom

 I could not belive these women!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand thier issue's, but REALLY!!!!!!! they knew what they were doing and that there would be problems. They all had choices.  I am a woman who was never given the option to have children. But I can tell you.... I would be grateful to any of these children.  These Mother's need to take a step back and see  what they have been given. One day they will meet someone like me (never been blessed w/child)  and they will see how truley blessed they are!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr.Phil---send me those babies, I'll give them ALL the love they deserve!

I am convinced that all children no matter the age just need understanding and guidance.

 

 
 
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