Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

I am having a tough time with my own shortcomings as far as being the kind of mother I wish to be, but felt so compelled to write about this show.  As I struggle with day to day life with identical 4 year old twin boys and a 6 year old daughter battling cancer, I am the last person to cast judgment upon anyone else.  BUT...as much as I regret having to still give time-outs to my daughter and her little brothers, who are trying to understand why her Dad & I are gone so much with her - I am appalled at the attitude of Robin.

Kudos to her husband Joe, for he seems to have the heart of a lion protecting his family.  I also thought Mikayla was nothing short of an angel where her sister is concerned.  It's tough enough to be a teenager, plus accepting a new person into the family - but for her to love & try to connect with her, and love her, well - someone did something very right in raising such a lovely young lady.  As much as I hate to say, I feel it had to have been her father.  I could write about a 10 page letter as far as this issue is concerned as far as the "mother" goes, but will do my best to keep it short, to the point, and as non-judgmental as I can, though it will be tough since I was angered enough to write this letter.

I don't even know where to begin so that this letter makes sense , but will try my best.  When this couple went to adopt Alyssa, the way I understood is that they KNEW she had problems already.  They must have felt in their hearts that they had the love & patience to not only become parents to this poor girl, but to try dealing & helping her with these issues.  For that, I applaud them as it must have been a very tough decision in which their hearts were in it for the long haul.  As it is turning out, only Joe seems to be in it for the actual "long haul".

When Robin said she resents Alyssa for not being a "positive" part of the family then blames her for the financial difficulties in almost losing the home due to her not being able to "focus" on the financial aspects it takes to maintain bills, etc... Well, give me a break.  As a mother, and I'm purely speaking for myself as I'm not vain enough to try and put all mothers into a bubble, I could blame almost everything except the war on my children when they are being not-so-lovable-at-the-moment too.  But I also know they didn't ask to be born into this world.  It isn't their fault  if they have problems whether they begin at birth or from some other unfortunate situation that may arise, but they still ARE my children!  To blame a child for an adult's shortcomings?  In my opinion - it's simply a pathetic cop-out and an even more pathetic cry for help.  I know, others will attack me on these words - but as I stated, they are only MY feelings that I just had to get out on here to see if by chance others think the same way.

Now I'm not claiming that this mother hasn't tried or isn't trying now, but one thing for is certain - if she talks the way she did on the show around her daughter (which I hate to say, but am quite certain she most likely has or does in some sense), how on Earth would she expect this girl to "connect" with her or become close, or even WANT to?  Do I think I could do better?  Maybe yes, maybe no - but I DO know I would NEVER give up!  Whether a child is born to you or blessed to you - THEY ARE YOUR CHILD! 

The last thing that really pushed me over the edge was the smug look on the face of this "mother", sorry as I have to use the term lightly due to my overwhelming frustration & anger, was the comment she made to Dr. Phil towards the end when asked if she would just send the child away or back to the country she came to.  (Please know I'm not saying verbatim the exact question posed...but in general, that's what I thought).  Robyn responded - again with a condescending voice & smug look..."She will always have a place to live as long as she is in our home."  Again, not sure if it's verbatim - but that's what I got out of it.  What an awful thing to say, and even a more pitiful thing to feel!  I can't help but empathize with Joe.  What a man, a REAL man - which is a rare animal in cases like this.  His mother should be dang proud of the job she did in raising such a good-hearted and compassionate man.  Again, I can't help but feel so proud and impressed with Mikayla as well for loving her sister like a sister - no matter how much the family has been through.

I would have LOVED to have heard more about & from Alyssa herself.  How she could possibly even begin to form a bond with this woman is beyond me.  I know she said she has "tried time & again" to connect with her daughter, Robin came off as a snooty kind of - oh I don't know...Well - gotta just say what's in my heart right now......She came off like some over-the-top, too good for society to know she has a problem child & feels ashamed if anyone thought she was to blame.  There - I said it.  Let the stone throwing begin!

Seeing as it was mentioned that Alyssa was improving on following some rules shows me that she comprehends & feels more than Robin maybe wants to admit.  That might ruin her "I've tried over & over" defense she stressed often.  I don't know, maybe I was doing a mom thing at the time as I tend to have to do with 3 children of my own who sometimes make their own rules when mom's not looking, but I never heard what kind of connection or relationship Alyssa has with Joe.  I can only hope she has more of a feeling of being wanted, encouraged & loved by her father than her so-called "mother".  Again, sorry for the anger - it's just tough to hide it.

In short - you agree to adopt a problem child that you already KNOW  has issues, get her home & after the novelty wears off of having a new adopted child you rescued from a poor situation in another country, reality sets in.  You actually SEE these issues, try what you consider are the conventional & most reasonable ways to "fix" her and they fail.  Now what?  Give up and just chalk it up to "ME-NOTHING, FATE-ONE"?  Well, sorry honey - life don't work that way.  Or at least it shouldn't.  This child, like my own, didn't ask to be here with us.  We chose THEM!  Being adopted myself, I can't imagine what my life would be like if my adopted parents (or one of them) wanted to just give up on me when life isn't going the way THEY would like it to go.  I simply cannot fathom the fact she wants to "send her back".  How exactly would one go about that?  As the biological mother of my children, that's virtually impossible - though jokingly I've said it a time or two.

Before you all judge me, which I'm sure will happen and probably not in a nice way - I'm not saying I'm the do all, end all of all good mothers of the world.  Not by a LONG shot!  I make mistakes daily, I know.  The only thing that separates me from this woman?  I would NEVER give up on my child.  I don't care if they hate me and never WANT to form any bond or connection for whatever reason, be it a mental disorder or problem, or their choice - I would NEVER EVER give up!!  Is it tough for Robin?  No doubt in my mind.  I do think it has to be tougher on Joe.  Not only is he struggling to help his daughter in these sad & trying times, but is also trying to hold it together for the sake of his family & his wife.  He is having to - in a way - take care of TWO people with "issues", one being his partner in life who also agreed to adopt, love & help this child.

In a strange way I do sympathize with her.  Yet in another way, which is the judgmental & "what right do I have to judge" way - I just cannot help feeling frustrated & angered.  I don't think this woman is a monster by any means.  But I can't shake the feeling there is still a vain-likeness to her.  Call me what you will, it's what I feel and what I feel I saw in her.  Put my life under a microscope...I'm sure millions would gasp at some of my mistakes & parenting shortcomings.  But no matter what...my child is my child is my child.  Period.

I wish them all luck, and thank goodness they have someone like YOU, Dr. Phil, to turn to for help.  That is both brave and admirable.  There should be MORE Dr. Phil's in the world!

Thank you for letting me vent.  Hopefully I didn't offend TOO may of you.

Signed,

A very caring mom & compassionate woman for ALL parents & children

Trena

If these moms didn't have children as teen, as we see so often in society now. I think that we will see more of this. If these moms want to see great parenting, watch the shows on TV "The Duggar's. or Jon & Kate plus 8." These families have it together, and accept what they have in life. May not be perfect every day, but they do not let their guilt of having honest emotions get in the way of parenting. Kids grow so fast, it will be over before she knows it. Its attitude change.

Excellent post!!!! Perhaps it is only us Moms of special needs kids that realize the exhaustion that one in this situation feels.   And excellent point that it is a two parent job.  I have a special needs daughter  who fortunately has made alot of progress over the years, but I never forgot the exhaustion of the earlier days.  My husband worked long hours and extended family help was rarely  forthcoming, so nearly the whole burden orf care fell upon me.     Many days felt like an eternity and I knew the next day would bring more of the same.  There didn't seem to be alot to look forward to.

I ended up going back to school for a special education degree.  I gained alot of  knowledge  which helped me at home too, not to mention that it also gave me a new carreer.  My daughter's school had a parent group.  It was helpful to have others to talk to who could understand. (I  had felt isolated prior to that).  It was a long road but things gradually improved.

I am glad to hear of your success story. Only one who has been there can trulu understand.  To the others who haven't please stop your criticisms.  How bout putting that energy into something positive instead.  Offer help to a Mom of a special needs child.  they can certainly use it and you will gain knowledge and maybe show more empathy towards these people.

I too have a child with Down Syndrome.  After seeing today's show my heart goes out to the family with the little boy with Downs and Autism.  Alone both are very difficult to deal with, together I cannot image.  I want to encourage tgis family to surround themselves with other families who are dealing with the same challenges.  As a mother of a 10 year old with Down Syndrome,  I can say I have been blessed with some incredibly strong, informed, humorous friends who are never hesitant to offer help or advice.  All of these people have family members with a "disability".  I also want to encourage you to look very deeply for the authentic person hidden by the autism or downs.  Don't give up, he knows you love him and so does your daughter.  Be sure to love yourself too.  It takes an incredibly strong person and family to raise a child with this level of need and you have made it this far.  I willl pray for you and your son.  My heart is with you.  Find the help and use it.  All 4 of you will benefit.

Also if you are seeing this Dr. Phil,  I encourage you to speak of children as people first.  They are children with Down Syndrome or Autism,  the person in there is much more than the disability