Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

Hi Dr. Phil,

Your Tuesday show was very interesting - the challenges of motherhood on steroids.  Thank you very much for featuring an autistic child, and Down's syndrome to boot.  That mother deserves a medal for trying to keep it together.  And I saw some of the things that she was doing, that she could, with help improve upon. Because that's what it will take, along with some very planned respite, including your plan on getting to the best combined living scenario (which may mean living outside the home).

Applied Behaviour Analysis(ABA) has worked wonders for some of these kids, and she needs a psychologist who can develop a program for her child.    If we can reach these children, they will be able to communicate in some way. 

We should always try to walk a mile in someone's shoes - but unfortunately we can't.  We can only describe what the shoes feel like, and to this lady, it feels like a nightmare.

My story - it always comes down to the 'me' - but I feel like I live in a nightmare too - just not as bad as others' nightmares.  But my story is pretty cool - I had a monster at age 3 to 4 1/2., where I knew, if I couldn't tame that tiger, I would have to put him in an institution.  I was beaten, bitten, head-butted; my son threw himself down on me from the top of the staircase, and I cushioned his blow; my son tore my hair out by the roots, leaving bald patches.    Well, what to do - I found a psychologist and provider, had them into my home coaching me on how to deal with my son, had him in their centre applying ABA therapy.  And it works.  At this time, people who meet him see him as perhaps eccentric, but most people don't realize he is autistic (which is a curse in another way).  It's been a long trip, and the road is still there ahead of us.  We are making great progress - 2 steps forward, 1 step back.  Sam now reads, is a great speller and speaks well.  Whenever I see a dastardly kid thing, I celebrate.  He just learned what winning means.  He wants to cuddle every night and crawls into bed with me for comfort - so someone who did not understand love, now loves greatly.

 The last time my son threw himself down the stairs while I was in the middle of the staircase, I stepped away, and said "I bet that hurt - It sucks to be you - I wouldn't do that anymore"., as he went smack onto the floor.  By the way, in consultation with my son's psychologist, I did the right thing for him at the time.   He hasn't repeated this behaviour - and it's been 2 years.    So life is complicated with autistics - you never know when to push, pull, tug, be 'mean' or exacting.  We are just simple folk.

In the mean time we try to get the comical, the joyful, just like all parents - it's just magnified 100X at least.  My son's latest ploy is to press the red button on escalators.  He did it twice at two separate airports, and last at the Toronto Science Centre - causing the escalator of course, to stop, and making people climb stairs.

Every day is a challenge - I try to keep cool - every parent of an autistic needs a lot of help.  Me Too! 

Thank you for empathizing for every mother on your show today - different scenarios, different levels of problems.  It was great that you acknowledged that every mom on this planet faces the ups and downs and that motherhood is the hardest job ever.  I have had a gifted child and a challenged child (both ends of the spectrum), but at the end of the day being a Mom is the most important and challenging role I will ever face.

I agree, there are so many services available.  I am fortunate,  I have been able to secure funding for my son with dollars for respite care and day services.  If I did not have these services, I would not be able to work outside of the home.  My son is 21 and has autism. He is unable to care for himself and needs one on one care.  As parents, we need to educate other parents about services that are available.  When their kids are first diagnosed, they feel that they can handle everything on their own.  Things change and conditions change...I am from Green Bay, WI and most of the waisting lists for services are at a minimum of 8 years...parents need to be on the waiting lists as soon as their kids are diagnosed with any conditions. 

On a side note Dr Phil, since autism is now being diagnosed at a much younger age the need for services has grown tremendously.  Now parents of adults with autism and other disabilities are having to continue to care for them in their homes.  (Personally, I would have it no other way...I am so much like Cindy..i would worry about him too much).  

You have no basis for comparison. There are difference levels and severity to autism, and she has to deal with Down's Syndrome on top of that. My husband has autism in his family

My sister-in-law has 2 sons, BOTH with autism, one more severe than the other.

I would think that you, most of all, would have compassion for her situation. Instead you stand in self-righteous judgement? Just wait until your precious angel is bigger than you, and hits puberty, then you might have a more kind approach to someone else's suffering.

My husband and I adopted our daughter also.  We were foster parents and she was placed with us when she was 4 1/2 years old.  She just turned 9.  She has shown a lot of improvement, but I understand this mother completely.  As I watched the show I kept saying, "this kid has RAD."  I was relieved to hear Dr. Phil bring up the subject of RAD and show this mom support.  I've never met a biological parent of a RAD child, so I can't speak for them; however, I can say that as an adoptive mother the guilt is enormous.  I almost lost my marriage.  My husband and my daughter are very close.  She is so manipulative and he was blinded.  He denied RAD for years.  Recently he has begun to see the truth.  My husband was not experiencing her as I did and do.  WOW!  I loved this episode!  Thank you Dr. Phil for recommending the church community to viewers as a resource.  I have been blessed by my church family and would not be able to say that I love my daughter without God's constant love and grace.  I have so much to say that I can't even narrow the information down right now.  I hope something of what I have posted will help someone.  Please just know that you are not alone.

The topic of the Autistic/Down's child really melted my heart.  I could tell both parents really loved their child, but they just did not know how to handle him.  I know the father is having a difficult time with the choice of putting the child in an "institution;" however, I know from experience that good, qualified facilities that care for people with special needs really help those who need the services.

For instance, my cousin Mark has always had a mental disability.  Even though he's grown into a man, he still has the mentality of an 8-year old.

When he was younger, he could play and socialize with younger kids and older kids without too many difficulties.  As the kids got older, started driving and going to normal school functions, they did not hang around Mark as much.  They would still do things with him; but Mark had a hard time feeling the pressure of knowing that he was no longer a child, he should behave as an adult, and not understanding how to act like grown-up.

This caused him to go into fits of rage when he turned 18.  He was so tall, my 95-pound aunt could not control him when he threw his tantrums.  She looked for guidance, and the family counselor suggested he go to a group home.

My uncle was against it; and said Mark was just fine.  However, when Barbara left for a month; Jerry finally realized that Mark needed extra care.

Therefore, they placed Mark in a group home with other adults and children with the similar disabilities.  Mark really opened up and became a whole new person.  We could see such an improvement in his speech, social skills, communication, and self-control.  He made many new friends and has held a steady job for the last 8 years.

He now resides in an apartment building for mentally needy adults with his girlfriend.  Basically,the have a monitor on duty to make sure his needs are being met.  It's great, and Mark is in the best condition I have ever seen him since before we were 15.

I know the father of the son mentioned on the show mentioned something to the affect of his son not being able to communicate with the family if something bad were to happen; however, other children would be at the facility who could talk with the parents.  Also, the family needs to visit often in the beginning, and randomly so that the staff knows this child is being watched.  My Aunt, Uncle, and the family visited Mark quite often when he was first at his home; as the years went by, Mark became so busy that we haven't had the opportunity to see him as much.

At any rate, I feel the couple's pain on the show, and I'll be saying prayers for them.

Now that is funny  lol.  Well, for anyone not riding escalators anyway :) 

My nephew is also in an ABA propgram.  His Mom has been attending parenting programs for autistic children and there are also courses through the Geneva Center and community colleges as well for parents, caregivers, and support workers.

BTW Ontario is hoping to close down its institutions.  That is primarily why support services received a fair amount of funding last year in hopes to open more group homes and family care services.