Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

I think the shows topic did a disservice to you and the Robyn.  I think it should have been about mother's who are their wit's end with children with severe disabilities.  I think that Dr. Phil highlighted the abortion quote too much.  My son is 4 and is severely autistic, not nearly as disabled as your son, and I really really feel for you.  I am so sorry that these people are on here and don't have a clue about what's going on.  They are making very very very harsh judgements based on a 15 minute segment and a few videos from inside your house. 

 

As for the "mean" statement-- education for those of you who think that Alex is saying that his mom is mean.  Children with autism learn through echolalia-- direct or indirect.  Basically, they repeat what they hear from television, a song, a book.  When my son is sad, he says, "Tangled up about to cry."  From the book Chica Chica Boom Boom.  My son will also go around and say, "Don't hit, that's mean, you'll go to timeout."  I can't count on my fingers and toes how many times I have said that to him.  That doesn't mean I go around and hit him.  He literally will repeat complete phrases and sentences verbatim.  Alex has obiviously attached some meaning to the word "mean", and that's why he says it.  When he says "mean", that may not mean anything.  Echolalia is very common, and many times it's jibberish and meaningless speech.

 how could any one even think of stop being a mother? i have a son that has autism / mental retardation. i would never ever think of stop being his mother. and for dr phil to even bring up the thought of putting any child in a institution is  shocking to me .Yes it is overwhelming @ times but we are these childerns voices. that show yesterday realy bothered me.  thank you  D. smith (Massachusetts)

It is obvious Alyssa is a RAD's child.  You have to parent a RAD's child to recognize it!  The primary caregiver is the one who suffers most - and the RAD's child is extremely charming to everyone else in their lives!

I truly feel Mom's pain and frustration.  Unless you parent a Radish, no one and I mean No One, can begin to understand, unless you actually live through, a day, an hour, with an RAD child.  I am not talking about when they are not being disarmingly charming,  like the Joe's Daughter was talking about when she took Alyssa to the restaurant and how she charmed the customers, which is what they do, and they do the same thing to their teachers in school.  I am very surprised that this characteristic of RAD was not brought up on the show, being superficially charming and engaging.  I felt like Mom was being made out to be the bad guy.  I think Dad better wake up.  If in fact, it is RAD, triangulation of adults, pitting Mom and Dad against each other is another big one.

I am a 51 year old Grand mom raising, along with my husband, our oldest Granddaughter, now 13.  We have had A. since she was 3yrs. old  After years of horrible behavior, punching kicking, hitting, raging, attacking me with forks and knives, and dx after dx,, on Oct. 23  A. finally tried to kill me.  Our family has lived in fear, with all sharp objects locked and hidden away, we lock our bedroom door, and live in isolation.  We have been kicked out of stores, because of A.'s rages, for over 10 years.  She was put in a Psychiatric Hospital on Oct 23, 2007, and was there for over 8 weeks, was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, by 3 doctors.  It is now 5 months later, and she has still not received the treatment she needs.  Why?  Because the North Carolina Medicaid, which Alexus is eligible for does not want to pay for the treatment she needs.  She also has private insurance, but that only pays for so much.  Medicaid is now trying to get her diagnosis changed, so they do not have to pay for treatment for Reactive Attachment Disorder, at a facility out- of -state, that specializes in Reactive Attachment Disorder, and accepts North Carolina Medicaid, because the state of North Carolina does not have in-state facility that specializes in RAD, and as you know once these children age-out at around 12, it is very unlikely that out-patient therapy is going to be effective on them if it had not been started already at an early age.  We are drowning.  Every day I, cry and it's a struggle, I will never give up on A., but I will, not let her kill me.  I believe she has the right to a "normal" life just like everyone else, But the insurance companies do not care about any of us and we are our children's only advocates.  That is what I do every day.  I am either talking to doctors or lately trying to find a lawyer to represent us since we reeived the Notice of Denial of Medicaid Service for her Residential Level IV Treatment  Facility that was recomended by the doctors.  But ...trying to get a public deefender, is like asking for blood.  All you hear is how they are so overwhelmed, and I believe it, but what are we supposed to do ...move?

A is temporarily in a group home, since she grabbed the steering wheel of my car, in one of her rages and tried to drive us off the road last month, Right now we are waiting to hear if Medicaid is going to try and remove her from the temporary group home, and send her back into our home without an ounce of treatment, all because they do not want to pay.  I will go to jail for child abandonment before I will put my family in harms way.  Dr.Phil I wish you would dedicate a show exclusively to Reactive Attachment Disorder.  We need the help.  We are desperate.

I'm sure they would be. I believe children deserve to be wanted, loved and cherished. My own parents didn't feel that way.  I was always so afraid I'd be like them, I dodged motherhood entirely.

 I certainly empathized with the moms yesterday, especially Cyndi.  Although I only have one child myself (an 18-month old), I help take care of my adopted brother-in-law, who is 13 and severly autistic.  My mother-in-law passed away in a car accident almost a year ago and my FIL couldn't take care of 6 adopted children on his own so my husband, son and I moved in.  The kids are of different ethnicities and ages (14, 13, 8, 8, 7, and 6) with the 13-yr old having lots of special needs.  He is only half-way toilet trained and still wears a pull-up every night.  He doesn't speak and only occasionally communicates through his picture book.  He also tends to be more aggressive with me, like clawing or grabbing at my shirt.  He also will run out the door when he feels like it and go open and shut car doors.  Sometimes they are our cars and occasionally they've been neighbors' cars.  I am also at my wit's end.  After the accident, I knew we had to move in but now I'm feeling resentful and taken advantage of.  He's requires so much attention and yet I have to take care of 4 other younger kids, a moody teenage sister-in-law who resents me as well as my own son.  My husband understands but still has to work full-time.  My FIL is coping with the loss but his main focus is getting the basic needs of the kids met, while still working full-time.  I feel so overwhelmed with taking care of my husband's family.  I am only 30 years old and yet feel like I'm trying to fill the shoes of my MIL who had many more years of experience.  BTW, my MIL and I were very close and spoke almost daily.  Anyway, I can certainly understand where the moms were coming from and want them to know they aren't alone.

I was so upset by the first mother - such a precious child - a true gift - one that mother does does deserve! - I was so upset by her smirk across her face - no matter how difficult it is to give love - you put aside your own needs and take into consideration for another.
I am not a mother - but I am extremely sensitive and know what it is like to be in a environment of love that is conditional to your behaviour.
Alyssa is a beautiful child - and I am so thankful that she has been blessed with a warm and loving father -

No matter what problems this child has - that woman sat through the entire segment with a self righteous smirk on her face; her body language showed us; back to her husband. She was great on camera with her tears, but nothing on stage.
I cried throughout the segment - my heart hurting for this poor child - I hope this woman does get help from Dr. Phil - and I pray that this loving child is able to find love from someone that deserves her love.

It's obvious Alyssa is a RAD's child because you and Robyn say so? The only way way to diagnois RAD is to have a RAD's child? I think the better diagnosis here is the earlier one of "martyr moms." It's truly pathetic how a certain population of women decide that because they have children, they have become secular saints who are above criticism. You and Robyn CHOSE to be mothers--no one forced this on you. You took a risk that your children would be imperfect, and that you might not enjoy being mothers. You demand that no one "judge" you, but you are EAGER to have people judge your "manipulative," "deceitful" children, who had NO CHOICE in being raised by you. You're the same women who like to brag about your 24/7 job of being "full-time mothers," but when you're assessed on your performance as mothers the same way any other worker would be assessed on their performance at their jobs, suddenly no one has the right to "judge" you, and nothing's your fault.

• Watching Robyn was a flash back to my childhood! I was a foster child that was eventually adopted by my foster parents. Robyn,,, you choose that innocent little girl for your own satisfaction and she has always just been along for the ride that YOU provide for her!!! You act like she OWES you becuase you brought her to a better place! She doesn't OWE you,,,,, you owe her!

• Believe me,,, Alyssa knows she is different and instead of helping to build on and around her differences,, you are constantly making it known that she is "NOT" really a part of your family. There is NO unconditional love being taught. You have no idea how that destroys a child and screws with the rest of her life! AND YOU are doing it to her!!!!

 This is what Alyssa is feeling,,,,

1. She is dispensable; Leaving her daily knowing that at any moment,, she can be thrown out like trash! This alone, can leave a child wanting to commit suicide! It's the one bit of control she has. She can kill herself now,, before allowing you to have the chance to get rid of her (which seems like the end of the world for her)
2. She is not lovable; Leaving her never believing that she is NOT worthy of love, she will go through friends, boyfriends, maybe husbands,, maybe leave her own kids behind becuase why not,,,, eventually they will leave her!!! She will never be good enough in her own eyes!
3. She is BAD; Leaving her believing that she is a BAD seed and so she will do bad becuase she believes that is who and what she is.
4. She can't do anything right; Even when she tries, it isn't good enough,,,, so why bother!! EVENTUALLY leading her to act out against the world!
5. She isn't worthy of anything good; Leaving her to except the worst. She will except abusive boyfriends, husbands, friends just to have a moment of feeling good! She'll give into peer pressure, take low end jobs, never feel like she should better herself and I could go on!

•  Kids are hard on any level! We all know that,, but to accept the responsibility of adopting a child and allowing yourself to treat that child like they are any less human than you or your other child, family etc,,, is despicable! 
• I am 35 yrs old and I am still paying for my adoptive parents being like Robyn. Everyone says that I am an inspiration to them becuase of what I have been through and how I turned my life around. They say I am the strongest woman they know! I don't see any of it! I strive daily to be better,,,, but better never comes. I have 4 wonderful kids and a 2nd husband that has stuck with all my issues for 16 yrs! The best thing that came from my experience,,, is that I set out to be the great mom that I never was lucky enough to have! I am proud to say that even though I make mistakes, I accomplished that! I can't say that much for my sister who was in the same situation with me. She struggled with drugs, goes through men like candy, jobs never last long with her, she has 4 kids by 4 guys and she could do without them all, she treats her kids heritably,, lost them to CPS once,, and now she is pregnant again! Robyn,,, your flipping coin with your daughters life,,,,,, she could be as strong as me and go through hell to get to where I am,,,,, OR,,, she could be like my sister, and distroy her life and the lives of her children because she just doesn't have the strength to believe she can be better. YOU are doing that to her!  YOU are teaching her what she is and what she can be! YOU!!!  Stop blaming her! 

 

i have a foster child with reative attention disorder. i quit a gov job to be able to be a home provider. have wanted to do nothing else. i originally wanted an older adult, but came by this child through a relative. i only did respite at first and fell in love with this kid. 12 yrs old at the time. i was never told about her violent history. i was only told what they wanted to tell me. mind you, this is my very first client. i learned about her more later when i became her home provider. no one told me i had a right to see her file, nor was i informed of how deeply emotionally unbalanced she was. i learned the hard way. 3x's i had to have her removed from home because of violent distruction behaivor to myself, home, and self abuse to herself. this child had been in 16 homes before she came to me. she was severly abused in a adopted home, and also other homes. she does not know what emotions are. she rarely cries. she only knows how to act out with violence. she cannot function in any school. she is now in the last resort school and if she doesn't make it there she will have to go residential out of state.i try soo hard with this child. i have alwaystaken her back, as i feel so badly for her. i know where robin is coming from. i loved this kid and wanted to make a difference in her life. but when they are violent towards you and your family and home, you do loose some feelings toward her. at times, i hate to say, i can't stand being around her. but ...she is a child and never asked to be the way she is, never asked for all the abuse she has suffered. so i go on..she has many support people and we all together try to get her through the days. its an every day struggle. when we think we made a break through,,al  hell breaks loose all over again. will this ever get better? i don't think so. its the way she probably will be forever. i do wish however there was some kind of counselling for myself in this. there is so much stress in my life with her. my granchild won't come over, and she is afraid as she has seen her violence. would i have taken her in had i known all about her in the beginning? prob not. but she is here now, and i will make every effort to stay with it. i pray someday i will make a difference in her life. maybe by having her removed those 3 x's shows her i'm not one of the others who gave up on her. this time, i will stick it out..hard??you bet it is.. but hasn't she been through enough in her young life? family and friends say send her back.. she's not an item you buy and take back if there is a flaw. she's a child who needs to belong. i hope i am that person.. like i said,,it has many struggles in this line of work..i would do nothing else..when she is good,,she is such a joy,,but when she blows,,look out.. as with robin, the child will act out more toward the one providing the everyday care. others see the calm fun loving child, we see EVERYTHING and have to deal with it. until some of you live it,,don't judge...its a BATTLE..