Topic : 08/19 Tired of Being a Mom

I too adopted 2 children from Ukraine that were 18 mo old at the time.  We have been home for nearly 5 1/2 years now and they will turn 7 next month.  I love these kids and they can be so loving, but I am basically a single mom due to my husband deciding that money is more important than our family.  During the past 5 years, we have discovered that both children have sensory integration disorder, needed speech therapy, physical therapy, and occupational therapy.  In the past 3 years we have also needed lots of psychological help for my son too.  He has alcohol related neurodevelopmental disorder, and are now testing for asperbers syndrome.  He would throw these rages that would wear out any normal person to a frazzle.  We drive 2 hours from home to get the psychological help he needs because no one in our area knows what to do to help.  I am so tired just from driving.  When we put them into preschool thinking they could use social skills and get friends, I received calls constantly for the past 3 years about things my son was doing that went against the rules, or against their grain in general. This year (kindergarten) we placed him in a school for kids with special needs (for a mere $12,000 a year), but there hasn't been one phone call complaining about anything he does.  I have to drive 23 miles each way to get him there.  They love him there.  There is a 2:1 student teacher ratio and they know how to handle him.  It has been a blessing in deed.  In the process I feel like he has needed so much that I don't give my daughter of the same age what she needs.  They have basically been twins and don't know what to do when they aren't with the other one.  So this has been very hard on her.  She is getting rebellious now because "he gets all of the attention". 

I am so exhausted and now being tested for narcolepsy because I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. 

I just want to make sure that we are doing the right things for my kids.  I have done everything if it was available to me.  I feel lost a lot because no one ever seems to know what to do to really find out what our problems are.  But at the same time I am so tired I get angered very easily, and feel like I am complaining all the time.  My husband just thinks things are fine and doesn't understand why I feel so stressed.  That angers me as well.  I always have to run our household plans as if my husband isn't home.  I can't depend on him for any of the appointments or to watch the children while I leave.  I have to get sitters for nearly everything that I can't take them to.

Our community has many children from Ukraine and there are many of us in the same situation now.  Mainly after the children are becoming on school age.  The people who adopted the older kids had an idea of the behaviors, but thinking we were getting younger ones we thought we would be getting them early enough that we wouldn't have them.  But we have definitely found otherwise.  We have started a local online support group just so we can lean on each other.  That has been nice, but of course not the answer to all of our issues. 

I will share with them this story being on the air.  Maybe we can learn something new.  We just feel like our resources are exhausted.  I wish there was a body scan that we could do to tell us what we have and need to do for it.  If it could just be that simple.

Connie, KY

Mom to 2 Ukrainian children

Thank you for your reply. My daughter prayed and tried to talk to her Pastor and  Church friends about her problem with this decision. She is a very loving and sensitive mother . She has 2 young daughters now age 7 and 9 years old and naturally need most of her attention. She is the type of mother that gets very sad and anxious when one of the girls get hurt or sick and a lot of time feels guilty that maybe she could have prevented it. My daughter and son in law wanted one more child and were very excited when they found out that Emma  ( our angel in heaven )  was coming. The Dr. monitored the pregnancy for signs of Downs Syndrome I guess because my daughter was 38 yrs. old. things were going along nicely until the Dr. did a sonogram and waited a week and did another one, it showed little Emmas head circumference  had a lot of fluid  and a lot larger than earlier sonogram. This was very sad and scarey time for them. The Dr. suggested for her to have an amniocentesis test done, the results from that test showed there was several abnormalities. She was very upset and that is when she tried to talk to her Pastor and friends from church. they didn't want to hear anything about abortion. So she prayed to God to forgive her. She got the abortion and for the only reason was she was afraid of bringing Emma into the world knowing she may suffer or have to live her life with a lot of difficulty and pain and maybe die at an early age. The Dr. had a long talk with her about her fears of going thru with the pregnancy. She decided to have the abortion and she felt very guilty and asked God for forgiveness. I honestly believe if she brought Emma into this world she would not be able to cope with the guilt of knowing she could have prevented it. I believe if some people know that there child will be born abnormal and have the pain and difficulty of living a happy life I think they should have the right without ridicule to stop the pregnancy at that earliest time. We personally do not believe in abortion, but in some circumstances I think it is for the best and I know there are mothers out there that has gone thru with what my daughter has gone thru. We all still morn for Emma ( our little Angel in heaven ) and always will.

Thank You for listening

Emma's Grandma

So much sympathy for the parents and what they go though, but none for the children,.as if Alex likes being carried when he can walk. have you stopped to ask why is she carring him. does it benifit him when she does or does it benifit her to get him to point A to point B faster??? He uses picture books but when she wants him to move does she try to use them. I didn't see no picture books being used to help him understand what she wants out of him, I'm sure that the school uses them to get him to do what they want him to do. I'm sure the school is not picking up the boy and moving him to the next place they want him. thats would most likey hurt to pick up a 100 something pound boy under the arms  pain to him and to the person doing it.

The child with RAD, well lets think what it must be like to be her, and then think of what it is to be the mother of this child, which is easier??? The mother is the only one that has not made a connection with this child. so the child is making connections just not the connection that the mother wants. sounds to me thats the mother problem and she not getting what she wants.

I felt the same way the first time I seen the show, but when I watched it the second time I started to  really watch what they where saying, and I heard alot of I's and me's and no what can I do to make our lifes better. child and familys lifes better.

So I hope the Doc helps these familys out, so the kids can get the treatment they need, and the mothers can get the break they need, and learn what they need to do to make it work for the family as a hole.

I read your post and I cannot begin to imagine the pain.  For your husband to have seen that had to be forever life changing.

8 years ago, again, too much unrelated detail for this board, I lost my relationship with my oldest daughter...nothing she did, nothing I did...but choices had to be made, sides were taken about a very serious matter.  I learned that she has two little girls and I have never seen them.  99% chance, I never will.  I thought that was the worst thing imaginable, but when I think of your step son, I know THAT is something I could not handle.

We all live with ourselves, and cannot often see beyond our own sufferings...sometimes hearing of a tragedy such as yours is an eye opener.  If I had to choose beween the two of us, I'll take mine.  If I had a free choice, I'd take my life back, and give you yours as well.  Since that is out of our control, I'd rather she be alive and well than God forbid, dead.  It's a very different kind of suffering, one I wouldn't wish on anyone.