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Topic : 03/31 Bruised and Battered

Number of Replies: 137
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, March 28, 2008, 02:25:53 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Brutal assaults, violent outbursts and death threats -- not the behavior you would expect from your spouse. But what if the person who's supposed to love, honor and cherish you becomes the person you fear the most? Dr. Phil's guests say they know what it's like to live with a ticking time bomb who could snap at any moment. Jaycee says the man she married was a calm gentleman who never raised his voice. When his controlling ways became apparent just months into the marriage, she became suspicious but never expected him to hunt her down, shoot her and leave her for dead. Her ex-husband is now behind bars, but why does Jaycee still fear him? Jaycee's three children were traumatized when their mother was gunned down and still worry for her safety. What does Dr. Phil implore her to do in order to heal her family? Then, Keri says she's been beaten and choked by her husband, Henry. She says she fears dying by his hands, so why has she taken him back numerous times? Henry admits he's pushed his wife around but says Keri always strikes the first blow. He wants to reconcile with her, but are they ready to live under the same roof? Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 29, 2008, 11:48 am CDT

Woman do it too

As a paramedic I probably saw about a third to  of spousal battery from females. On both sides the behavior is similar. Charges are rarely levied or sustained. Fewer males report it because of stigma. Most return to the batterer. And spouses die from the hands of their abusers. Males do also need protection. I have seen child abuse usually from both parents, and alot of abusers were the primary caregiver. These are my views as a paramedic in one of the highest call areas in New York State outside of New York City
 
March 29, 2008, 11:59 am CDT

Until then.....

Until something can be done about the abusive spouse, you WILL continue to hear about this same old sad story. I do have to applaud you for taking the time to say it was a waste to read this particular problem.

 

In the 1970s it was difficult to get a divorce, or help when I was sexually and mentally abused by my husband of 25 years, he has passed away now on 12/16/97, two days after my son age 23 took his own life on 12/14/97. Even though it has been ten years, I spent that time single, afraid that I wasn't worthy enough for anyone, that all my emotional baggage would follow me everywhere.

 

I bought a present for a friend, of mine, it reads, "To teach is to touch a life forever," how sad but true in not only mine but other abused females as well. We are taught not to complain, not to push any buttons for fear of our life and our bodies. Sometimes I had wished I was "hit" and the bruise would go away, being sexually abused by your husband doesn't show up as you walk to chuch the next day. Even though a person might forgive the abuser, it is the forgetting that person has to deal with. AND, if anyone says, "time heals all wounds," must have been thinking about a cut on a finger. No bandage is big enough for the hole that is left in the heart from being "hit" mentally or physically by their "so - called loved one."  Healing is different for everyone so it might be nice to let the person heal in peace.

 

Barb F.

 
March 29, 2008, 12:59 pm CDT

abused love

I was once a victim too. He could be so charming around other people, but he always kept one eye on me. I was victim of his wrath if I was as friendly and outgoing in a crowd as he was. He never gave my family any peace of mind. My young children, from another marriage, liked him before our marriage but afterwards he harrassed them most of the time about everything. Then my children began to hate and fear him. I, too, began to fear him. He was always threatening my family of some kind of punishment, even death to me if I ever divorced him. Never believe a person like this. They can't change unless them meet someone of worse demeanor. I did reach my breaking point and decided death was better than living with him. I divorced him without his knowledge, of course, I had to lie about our living together still and his agreement to divorce. But, once the divorce was final(after 30 days), my children and I went on a weekend vacation and I left the final divorce decree on the table for him to see. When we came back from our weekend venture, he was totally mad and tried to report me to the court for lying but the judge told him it was his word against mine. I then told him to leave my house(it was my house), he refused then I called the police and had him arrested for trespassing. He was locked up and he never returned to my house, not even for his clothes and belongings. You have to be your own advisor on this situation and go for it. The bad guy just don't think you have it in you and when you show him, he usually backs off. Two other times I ran into him and again I threatened him with arrest, once I had a bouncer have him removed from the premises, and he just stopped bothering me. The last time I saw him, he just ignored me completely and that was a blessing.
 
March 29, 2008, 1:08 pm CDT

I know what it's like

I feel for you. I too went through all the abuse years ago. Fortunately i am out of it but It has still let emotional scars that will never go away. I was choked, beated, raped, stomped on,held captive, you name it he did it to me and he was MY HUSBAND!
Yeah thats right! I was married to the bastard! For eleven years I went through torture but not everyone knew. Ifact, most did not! It was a hidden secret even from my own family and best friend.

Why do we stay you ask? Fear is one reason. Another is because this is not the person we fell in love with and we are made to believe that we are the one making him do this to us.Anyway that is the way it was in my case. There are many reasons why women and men stay in abusive relationships that  reasonable people don't understand. YOU aren't there and AREN'T in the situation to know what goes on! So how do you know what you would do if you were? Then how do you judge these people ? I have seen it on talk shows too many times where the people ask "why did you stay with him, why didn't you just leave?"  It's NOT that easy. I was put down so much and for so long that I felt that i had no place else to go and nobodyelse wanted me and that I was a nobody anyway. I deserved what I was getting. YEAH that is what I was made to believe and with no support for anyone since I was isolated I beieved it. It wasn't until I started watching Dr. Phil that I knew there was a way out and I was determined to find it! I finally got help and got out but it was a struggle and i got out alive THANK GOD! With my son too!!  Joyce in MN

 
March 29, 2008, 1:09 pm CDT

Battered and Bruised

Ladies, please don't believe he will change. Once an abuser, always an abuser. I have been through it all. The restrainer from the court, the shelters, ran across country and he still found me... Please leave while you are still alive. My ex finally died from liver failure. Please listen to Dr. Phil and don't look back. It is true. Believe me.
 
March 29, 2008, 1:30 pm CDT

Until you have walked in their shoes

Love may not always be the driving force. Threats of violence or even death, may be. Can bars or incarceration always protect someone? If the intent is to blame and destroy someone for causing the above, the threat may be realized.

 

We have seen this reality many times in the news. Until you have felt the knife at the corner of your throat, or the gun to your temple, careful on judging the situaion clearly.

 

Fear and terror are horrible companions to live with day by day, year by year.  Until you have seen the red eyes staring in your eyes, waiting for your  blood to spill, the joy and pleasure staring deep into your being, be gentle in your judgement of these women.

 

Many disturbed and troubled  persons can quite effectively hide the dark side behind a mask of goodness for a time. It cannot and does not stay hidden for too long. 

 
March 29, 2008, 2:31 pm CDT

03/31 Bruised and Battered

Quote From: kbelden47

Ladies, please don't believe he will change. Once an abuser, always an abuser. I have been through it all. The restrainer from the court, the shelters, ran across country and he still found me... Please leave while you are still alive. My ex finally died from liver failure. Please listen to Dr. Phil and don't look back. It is true. Believe me.
run from these deadbeats.  no matter what socioeconomic background they are from, it still occurs and they are deadbeats even if they are wealthy.  there is something wrong with them biochemically and a million other reasons as Dr. Phil has shown us on many of his shows, as to 'why' they beat and eventually kill their wives, children, mothers, etc.!  the only time they 'change,' is when you commit (become isolated and/or marry,) to one of them: their true selves emerge.
 
March 29, 2008, 5:31 pm CDT

03/31 Bruised and Battered

After I was forced to enter a womans shelter, did I finally realize how my upbringing played a major role in the disasterous choices I made in men.  Now, having this knowledge has improved my image of me as a person and I did not deserve to be with abusive men.  My current husband (separated for four years with no contact whatsoever) abused me, financially, emotionally, and physically.  I have contacted legal aide twice to get a divorce but since we don't know where he is, they will not help me.  He has gambling, alcohol, and anger issues. I finally broke free from him, and I am still alive.

 
March 29, 2008, 6:12 pm CDT

So many should be ashamed!!

I am outraged at the comments posted thus far that this topic is "annoying" or "been done" so many times.  I am just coming out of a 5 year marriage that has been abusive, both mentally, and physically.  I am a successful 30 year old business woman who could manage an entire team of staff but could not manage my own well being or safety.  There are many reasons why us "women" stay in these relationships.  My own reasons were simply the fact that his abuse started slowly with name calling or demeaning jokes as he calls it.  he describes himself as a sarcastic person who is funny and that I have lost my sense of humor over the years.  Meanwhile the so called joked started to turn into a slap here or there and then to all out war, with many brusies and incidents of being choked as punishment for not coming home on time from a baby shower. 

 

Of course I knew in my heart that this wasnt right and had tried to leave many times.  But then you get sucked into the charm and apoligizes that this will never happen again.  You start to believe that the man you love so much and that you chose as a life time partner could be changed, saved, or whatever word best fits the love that you so despartly long for.  After many friends, family members or even counselors tell you to leave and even though these people stop being your friend or stop listening to you still try to justify his actions and behavior you still stay till the end.  You hold on tighter and tighter praying that God will just make him see how is acting.  You still have hope that this man who even fathered a beautiful little boy with you will start to grow up and be the man that he should and could be.

 

Then something snaps!! Just like a lightening bolt hits the ground right in front of you.  You start to realize that this is not "NORMAL" and you start to slowly regain your self respect and decide that especially now that there is a precious little gift from God in your life that YOU NEED TO PROTECT THEM AND YOURSELF AND GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!

 

My story happenend exactly like that...After that baby shower that I was late from and was dragged into the house by my throat and pushed against the wall with all his might to take the last breath from me.  It was clear...I called the police, got a restraining order and filed for divorce.  Now it hasnt been easy by any means by I have finally decided my life is mine...Not his to dictate anymore.  And the promise I have made to myself, my son and God is that my little boy will never see this type of behavior as acceptable.  He will never treat a woman like this as he will know how precious all of us are.

 

So to all of you that think this is overrated and been done, my thoughts to you are think really hard about your own life.  You may have been strong enough to stay out of a situation like mine but by no means are you, your wife, your daughter, your female friends or even the stanger you pass on the street not affected by some sort of abuse.... This is a serious problem that runs so deep in our Country that we cannot ignore and turn our backs on any indivdual who is affected by this.

 

To all of my fellow survivors and to those who have yet to find the inner courage to say ENOUGH!!! I wish all the best and I will keep all of you in my thought and prayers.  You will find the light someday!!! I DID!!!

 
March 29, 2008, 11:59 pm CDT

Yes, there are battered men, too

But they are usually in a better financial position to get up and leave than women.
 
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