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Topic : 03/31 Bruised and Battered

Number of Replies: 137
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, March 28, 2008, 02:25:53 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Brutal assaults, violent outbursts and death threats -- not the behavior you would expect from your spouse. But what if the person who's supposed to love, honor and cherish you becomes the person you fear the most? Dr. Phil's guests say they know what it's like to live with a ticking time bomb who could snap at any moment. Jaycee says the man she married was a calm gentleman who never raised his voice. When his controlling ways became apparent just months into the marriage, she became suspicious but never expected him to hunt her down, shoot her and leave her for dead. Her ex-husband is now behind bars, but why does Jaycee still fear him? Jaycee's three children were traumatized when their mother was gunned down and still worry for her safety. What does Dr. Phil implore her to do in order to heal her family? Then, Keri says she's been beaten and choked by her husband, Henry. She says she fears dying by his hands, so why has she taken him back numerous times? Henry admits he's pushed his wife around but says Keri always strikes the first blow. He wants to reconcile with her, but are they ready to live under the same roof? Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 30, 2008, 3:29 am CDT

Divorced in 1980 and he still torments me

Sure they start out as charming and the love of your life, but the "wine & roses stage" ends pretty quickly, usually right after you're trapped into marriage and probably a baby or two.  They will not change no matter how many times they promise. It's not your job to be their punching bag while they grow up, if they ever do.  I had to move across the country to escape my abuser, and I try to keep my whereabouts hidden from him because every now and then he will pop up to taunt me just to let me know he's around and sets off all kinds of turmoil in my life.  He never remarried and still tells people that I'm his wife!  I don't care what his problems are and wish I had NEVER met the jerk.

There is no excuse for what these abusers do, and there certainly is no blame on the women.  We are all in control of our own actions, so the excuses of drunkeness or the infamous "You make me so mad" just don't fly.  We are all entitled to a life of peace and dignity.  If you are going through this, believe me it'll leave more than physical scars on you and your children, if any, so do whatever you have to do to get away NOW! 

 
March 30, 2008, 3:39 am CDT

SHOCKED AT YOUR INSENSITIVITY

Quote From: marianparoo

But they are usually in a better financial position to get up and leave than women.

Your message makes no sense, obviously you have no comprehension or first-hand knowledge of this topic. 

Do you really think the average woman is equal to a man in strength?  Besides a marriage is supposed to be a union of happiness, not 10 rounds in the boxing ring. 

And yes men usually have more money, but that's what Courts are for.  I didn't take an alimony in my divorce because I would have PAID HIM to get out of my life!  The Court ordered child support, but guess what, he never paid and I didn't want to keep engaging the jerk, so I let it go.

 

 
March 30, 2008, 4:53 am CDT

03/31 Bruised and Battered

Quote From: jwatt4808

I am outraged at the comments posted thus far that this topic is "annoying" or "been done" so many times.  I am just coming out of a 5 year marriage that has been abusive, both mentally, and physically.  I am a successful 30 year old business woman who could manage an entire team of staff but could not manage my own well being or safety.  There are many reasons why us "women" stay in these relationships.  My own reasons were simply the fact that his abuse started slowly with name calling or demeaning jokes as he calls it.  he describes himself as a sarcastic person who is funny and that I have lost my sense of humor over the years.  Meanwhile the so called joked started to turn into a slap here or there and then to all out war, with many brusies and incidents of being choked as punishment for not coming home on time from a baby shower. 

 

Of course I knew in my heart that this wasnt right and had tried to leave many times.  But then you get sucked into the charm and apoligizes that this will never happen again.  You start to believe that the man you love so much and that you chose as a life time partner could be changed, saved, or whatever word best fits the love that you so despartly long for.  After many friends, family members or even counselors tell you to leave and even though these people stop being your friend or stop listening to you still try to justify his actions and behavior you still stay till the end.  You hold on tighter and tighter praying that God will just make him see how is acting.  You still have hope that this man who even fathered a beautiful little boy with you will start to grow up and be the man that he should and could be.

 

Then something snaps!! Just like a lightening bolt hits the ground right in front of you.  You start to realize that this is not "NORMAL" and you start to slowly regain your self respect and decide that especially now that there is a precious little gift from God in your life that YOU NEED TO PROTECT THEM AND YOURSELF AND GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!

 

My story happenend exactly like that...After that baby shower that I was late from and was dragged into the house by my throat and pushed against the wall with all his might to take the last breath from me.  It was clear...I called the police, got a restraining order and filed for divorce.  Now it hasnt been easy by any means by I have finally decided my life is mine...Not his to dictate anymore.  And the promise I have made to myself, my son and God is that my little boy will never see this type of behavior as acceptable.  He will never treat a woman like this as he will know how precious all of us are.

 

So to all of you that think this is overrated and been done, my thoughts to you are think really hard about your own life.  You may have been strong enough to stay out of a situation like mine but by no means are you, your wife, your daughter, your female friends or even the stanger you pass on the street not affected by some sort of abuse.... This is a serious problem that runs so deep in our Country that we cannot ignore and turn our backs on any indivdual who is affected by this.

 

To all of my fellow survivors and to those who have yet to find the inner courage to say ENOUGH!!! I wish all the best and I will keep all of you in my thought and prayers.  You will find the light someday!!! I DID!!!

There is a need for this type of show because there continues to be situations like yours and the ones presented on the show. I grew up in this type of situation. My late father was an alchoholic who was verbally, emotionally, and occasionaly physically abusive to my late mother.(50 years worth) It's hard for me to understand why a woman stays. I don't know why my mother stayed except that she ended up with 5 children and probably felt trapped. I CAN tell you that in spite of the way my father treated her, she STILL had feelings for him. I somehow knew from a very young age that the way my father was, was wrong. And I developed and nurtured a strong hatred for him because of it.  I vowed from a very young age to not be like my mother and put up with abuse.(I also vowed to never be like my father and BE abusive.) I have been successful on both accounts. I am fortunate to have found a good man and will be married 34 years in May. I have 2 children and I one of my goals in raising them was to teach them to not be abusive to others and to instill in them that it's not acceptable for them to be in a relationship where thier partner is abusive to them. I have several friends who are in abusive relationships and I don't understand why they continue to stay. As you stated, it ultimately is thier decision to leave, no one can talk them into it. My own mother was encourage to leave many times over the years. As an adult I encouraged her to leave and assured her that I would help her. She refused and stayed until her dying day. I can only say that I will never understand why.
 
March 30, 2008, 6:09 am CDT

Run Baby Run!

Run and DO NOT GO BACK!

LISTEN to Keith Urban son STUPID BOY!

YOU are  Precious like a flower and

YOU now know what he says and does

is NOT TRUE - You can LEAVE - You can

Say Sorry and RUN - YOU ARE STRONG-

YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK!!

I KNOW I SURVIVED!

I AM GROWING LIKE A FLOWER -

I AM FREE TO BE ME !

PRAISE,PRAYERS AND BEST WISHES

GO TO YOU!

dottyofoz1 from Kansas

 
March 30, 2008, 6:20 am CDT

Body BAGS ARE free!

Quote From: marianparoo

But they are usually in a better financial position to get up and leave than women.

RUN AND DO NOT GO OR LOOK BACK!

THINK OF IT AS THE PILLAR OF SALT- lOT'S WIFE.

sHE STAYED  AND WAS HESISTANT AND LOOKED BACK-

BECAUSE SHE WANTED A -LOT..(LOL)

Salt is good, but if salt itself loses its taste, with what can its flavor be restored? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. Whoever has ears to hear ought to hear." Similarly, in Mark 9:49-50.

SAVE YOU -

CRY NO MORE

LAUGH AND RUN

BE FREE- TO BE YOU

YOU CAN

AND WILL!

MONEY IS ROOT OF A LOT OF PROBLEMS

AND THIS IS JUST THE WRONG CENTS (SENCE-lol)

BUT NOT THIS ONE..

BODY BAGS ARE FREE TO THE

DEAD..

DO NOT GIVE UP

USE YOUR FEET

AND GET A BEAT ON!

GO GO NOW!

 

 
March 30, 2008, 6:59 am CDT

03/31 Bruised and Battered

I am still trying to heal after my 5 yr relationship with a man with a personality disorder.  He attacked me only once, physically.  Emotiionally and mentally it was daily.  I don't think I will ever heal, and will never be the same person.  I am 54 years old, old enough to know better.  I gave my heart and love to a person who who tore me into little pieces.  I was battered and bruised, on the inside.  No one can see my bruises.  I lost my loving and trusting self. 
 
March 30, 2008, 7:13 am CDT

Double whammy

Quote From: shyrequest

Until something can be done about the abusive spouse, you WILL continue to hear about this same old sad story. I do have to applaud you for taking the time to say it was a waste to read this particular problem.

 

In the 1970s it was difficult to get a divorce, or help when I was sexually and mentally abused by my husband of 25 years, he has passed away now on 12/16/97, two days after my son age 23 took his own life on 12/14/97. Even though it has been ten years, I spent that time single, afraid that I wasn't worthy enough for anyone, that all my emotional baggage would follow me everywhere.

 

I bought a present for a friend, of mine, it reads, "To teach is to touch a life forever," how sad but true in not only mine but other abused females as well. We are taught not to complain, not to push any buttons for fear of our life and our bodies. Sometimes I had wished I was "hit" and the bruise would go away, being sexually abused by your husband doesn't show up as you walk to chuch the next day. Even though a person might forgive the abuser, it is the forgetting that person has to deal with. AND, if anyone says, "time heals all wounds," must have been thinking about a cut on a finger. No bandage is big enough for the hole that is left in the heart from being "hit" mentally or physically by their "so - called loved one."  Healing is different for everyone so it might be nice to let the person heal in peace.

 

Barb F.

   

     Barb,

   

        I agree with most of your points.  I think you might even want to take back that phrase "being sexually abused by your husband doesn't show up as you walk to church the next day."  When someone has been physically abused, they have mental scars, also.  They can't escape them.  They get both types of abuse at the same time.

         My heart was plain broken about something, also.  I understand that no bandage is big enough.  Years have passed since your son's death.  (Does it seem like it was the day before yesterday?) 

        Unfortunately, the fellow who says that women are as violent as men is correct.   

 
March 30, 2008, 7:38 am CDT

NO MORE ABUSE

I was married for 15 years, blessed with 2 children.  After we divorced (no abuse in this marriage), I gave myself 5 years to get myself together and raise my children without  men coming in and out of their lives.  I had known my 2nd husband during the time I was married (lived in a small town).  We began dating, seemed compatible and took care of each other.  Within 24 hours of the marriage, both myself and my daughter saw a total change in him.  I was all but kept under lock and key, every movement monitored.  He was an alcoholic and had a temper that absolutely exploded and seemed to come out of nowhere and unknown reasons.  12 months into the marriage, my daughter gave birth to my first grandson.  My husband had a fit that I was at the hospital with her for the labor and delivery.  And, he was jealous of this little guy.  I couldn't believe it!!!!  2 months after my grandson was born, I had the police remove my husband from the house.  I changed all the locks.  I notified the local women's shelter and did all the things you were supposed to do.  One  night the phone rang at a very late hour.  The police were on the line.  Told me my husband had been picked up for driving while under the influence, in his company truck.  He had just left the police station and they felt he was on his way to my house!!!!!!!!!!  They let him go because he was "too much for them to handle" - when I asked if they would also be at my house, they said no, they were just giving me a "heads up".   Because of my small town situation, I called the man who was our town cop - had since retired - but still lived there.  He can over and had called a Highway Patrol officer who happened to be in the area.  Both these gentlemen were at my door when my estranged husband arrived.  Thank God for both of them.  After that, I put my house up for sale, and have been living "underground" so to speak for the last 11 years.  I don't fill out change of address cards.  I don't have a landline.  I moved to a different state and let the Women's Resources in those states help me get established.  If you google me or otherwise try to find me, you can't.  It is a horrible way to live but it is the only way I can survive.  Legally I am still married to him.  I am trying to get help to get a divorce without him finding out where I am.  There are no children between us and no property, etc.  Just a simple divorce.  But the legal system doesn't understand that it is imperative for my safety that I do this without this jackass finding me.  So, I just stay "underground".   I don't trust police officers in any community that I have lived in.  They have proven over and over again NOT to help the victim - only the abuser.  In the county I originally lived in, the police departments didn't even know where the safe houses were because if they did, they would tell the abuser.  What kind of crap is that?  This situation is frightening to say the least.  But ladies, do whatever you have to do to get out.  Its scary and yes, it pisses me off  that we are the ones who have to give up everything to be safe and they go on their merry way.  The other thing that really gets me is I can't do anything to make sure he is put away and I know with my whole heart that he has hurt other women since me and that makes me sick.  I feel partly responsible for that because nothing could be done on my part to stop him.  

 

So, no, this topic is not being over-done.  But, I do wish there were better solutions.  I am grateful to have found some support and it is out there and it sucks we have to work so hard to find it.  But I just got to hold my 4th grandchild and be with my daughter and my other 3 grandbabies - so whatever I have had to do was worth it.   To my grandchildren, I am "all that and a bag of chip" - pretty great feeling.  DO NOT let these horrible, horrible men take your life away.  If we all talk loud enough, at some point I am praying we will be heard and we can get most of these guys put away.  Hey, collect them and put them on an island together and let them beat each other up - I know - just had to blow off some steam. 

 

Thanks for listening.  And, don't give up. 

 
March 30, 2008, 8:01 am CDT

PROMISCUITY AND REPEATED INFIDELITY - MALE AND FEMALE

If you are with in a relationship with someone, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained.  You operate your life based on this expectation.  When your partner in the relationship does not or cannot make an emotional connection, the relationship becomes very painful.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight into personality types most capable of repeated infidelity are:

  

 

Why Is It Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss AND Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

 

Malignant Self Love:  Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin MAYBE The Professional Bachelors Dating Guide:  How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho by Dr Brett Tate

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland OR Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen AND Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

 

Healthy Boundaries Workbook: Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Set and Maintain Better Boundaries by Deborah Deiboldt Legge OR Overcoming Passive-Aggression by Tim Murphy and Loriann Oberlin

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

 

Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

 

 

Though harder to spot, emotional abuse is easier to deny.  But just as physical abuse has signposts to mark its presence, emotional abuse, being a systematic attack on one's sense of self, has common traits.  Physical abuse comes in degrees of severity - emotional abuse also runs the gamut of intensity and damage.

 

There are relationships, marriages and families that are so destructive the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  Make a promise to yourself to leave.  Leave so you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can learn to live a joyful, peaceful, trusting, and fulfilling life.

 

Hope it helps!

 

 
March 30, 2008, 8:18 am CDT

How to get out....

 

I found an interesting page on the National Domestic Violence Hotline that offers advice on leaving an abusive relationship:

 

General Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship
  • You may request a police stand-by or escort while you leave.
  • If you need to sneak away, be prepared.
  • Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
  • Plan for a quick escape.
  • Put aside emergency money as you can.
  • Hide an extra set of car keys.
  • Pack an extra set of clothes for yourself and your children and store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.
  • Take with you important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc., as well as other important items, including:
    • Driver's license
    • Regularly needed medication
    • Credit cards or a list of credit cards you hold yourself or jointly
    • Pay stubs
    • Checkbooks and information about bank accounts and other assets
  • If time is available, also take:
    • Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
    • Titles, deeds and other property information
    • Medical records
    • Children's school and immunization records
    • Insurance information
    • Copy of marriage license, birth certificates, will and other legal documents
    • Verification of social security numbers
    • Welfare identification
    • Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
    You may also create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. Ask questions that require a call back to your house in order to leave phone numbers on record.

http://www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html#3

 

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)    
 
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