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Topic : 03/31 Bruised and Battered

Number of Replies: 137
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Created on : Friday, March 28, 2008, 02:25:53 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Brutal assaults, violent outbursts and death threats -- not the behavior you would expect from your spouse. But what if the person who's supposed to love, honor and cherish you becomes the person you fear the most? Dr. Phil's guests say they know what it's like to live with a ticking time bomb who could snap at any moment. Jaycee says the man she married was a calm gentleman who never raised his voice. When his controlling ways became apparent just months into the marriage, she became suspicious but never expected him to hunt her down, shoot her and leave her for dead. Her ex-husband is now behind bars, but why does Jaycee still fear him? Jaycee's three children were traumatized when their mother was gunned down and still worry for her safety. What does Dr. Phil implore her to do in order to heal her family? Then, Keri says she's been beaten and choked by her husband, Henry. She says she fears dying by his hands, so why has she taken him back numerous times? Henry admits he's pushed his wife around but says Keri always strikes the first blow. He wants to reconcile with her, but are they ready to live under the same roof? Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 30, 2008, 9:54 am CDT

response to bruised and battered

Years ago, I was married for 7 yrs  to a man who was physically & emotionally abusive to me.  It started shortly after we got married.  I was in love initially & when it started, blamed myself & kept hoping things would change & he would calm down.  Unfortunately, however as time went by, things progressed & got worse !  His idea of a wife was that she was the man's "slave" rather than his equal partner.  I left several times & let him talk me into returning .  He would try & control his anger for a couple months, but then quickly go back  to  his angry, violent ways.  I was punched, kicked,  had a gun pointed at me  & had my clothes torn off me at one point.  At one point I had asked if he would go with me to counseling & he initially said he would but then later refused to go.  His thoughts were that our problems were my fault & if I would just do what he wanted & "I " changed, things would get better.  Finally, I lost any feelings I had for him after years of dis-respect & left him & got a divorce.   I believe that if that abuser will not admit that  "he" has problems & not seek serious help ,  he will never change & things will never get better for his wife / life partner.  She must gain strength & make the choice to protect herself & her dignity & remove herself from an abusive situation, no matter how difficult it might seem at the time.   It was the wisest decison I ever made & improved the quality of my life tremendously.    Also, if there are children involved  - it is your responsiblity to protect them too & exposing them to abuse will affect them in a negative way for possibly the rest of their lives.   Talking from experience,  -  Cheryl  from PA

 
March 30, 2008, 11:21 am CDT

Keri get out of there!

 I am a domestic violece survivor , and the ony way to get it to stop is to leave for good.  How can you be happy living with someone you fear?  That's not love.  Do they have children?  I had to escape from my marriage.  I did it for my children and of course my self.  It was not easy to do because the fear had  such a grip on me.  When I saw him hit my 2 year old daughter as if she were a punching bag ; that is when it clicked in my head that he would really kill one of us.  I got out the next day with some help.  I hope that Keri does not go back to her husband.  I hope Keri realizes that her husband has a problem that is NOT, and never will be her fault.  He has a severe problem that only he can change, but first he'd have to admit he has one.  They can be very conning and make all kinds of promises to get you to stay,  it is their m.o..

I saw a poster at a womens abuse shelter when I left.  It had a picture of a casket with a beautiful display of flowers on top.  The caption read: THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME HE GAVE HER FLOWERS.   It gave me chills and I realized at that moment how dangerous my marriage was , and how lucky I was to be alive.  There is hope and resources that will help you.  God bless you ,  SS

 
March 30, 2008, 2:52 pm CDT

still living with the fear

 It 's been ten years, and now that my son is graduating the thought that now crosses my mind is moving on in my life.  I really want to get back into the dating scene, and marry, but honestly the thought of doing that brings back the fears.  When you have been married to an abuser it's really hard not to think about the possibility that he might just snap.  I hope that I can be home tomorrow to catch what advise Dr. Phil has for dealing with the fear.  I just can't live the rest of my life afraid of what might happen...
 
March 30, 2008, 3:15 pm CDT

abuse

Before i met my husband that i am married to at present, i was a single mom living with my boyfriend and he was a total charm he never drank always bought me flowers and so on and all that changed when we moved in with him.  I was he's slave always had to say yes, he told me i was fat so i lost so much weight i looked terrible and then the hitting started first a little slap here and there and then i would be flying across the room but i handled it thought he would change and then one day he went mad and held a gun to my daughter's head and told me that was it he was going to kill us and you know what i turned to one person in my time of distress i started praying really praying and asking god to help me and the next thing this guy who was mad just calmed down and left the house and that was my escape i took my daughter and ran next door and phoned the police who came out but could not find him, i moved back in with my parents took a court order out on the guy but he still tried very hard to get me back but i did NOT go back i am now married to someone else who does not hit me and we have another daughter i am so glad that i got out when i did, nobody man or women needs to be abused it is NOT the way of life.  Get out and don't look back ever!
 
March 30, 2008, 3:17 pm CDT

03/31 Bruised and Battered

No.  No person should stay/be with another person who is physically abusive.  Leave (without warning)  the abuser when his/her back is turned.  And, don't look back!

 
March 30, 2008, 6:31 pm CDT

Leave and Never Look Back

 

As an abused ex-wife, I can't even believe in this day and age that anyone would allow that disrespectful behavior. I was bullied and abused more than two decades ago and couldn't find my way out. I didn't want my friends or family to think I was such a loser accepting this kind of demorilizing behavior towards me. I appeared to have it all, but behind the scenes were horrific.

Now I tell women to tell someone, anyone...you never know who will help. This kind of torture is isolating and demeaning. Don't let him keep you from your friends and family. It's only then can he spin his web of destruction.

Laurie

 
March 30, 2008, 6:46 pm CDT

abusive Husbands

Hello! I came from a 9 1/2 year marriage...of abuse...well he was a real handsome caring man then we moved in together ....and then he would go through my things and toss them if he didnt feel we needed them. Then we got married and moved away from my home town...to be closer to his  work.....that he got moving closer to his family....360 plus miles away.....which was an adjustment for me and scarey.....then we got settled after living separate married lives for a few months...I moved  to be with him....the months at  first were nice with a few spats....nothing bad...however I wanted to work and help bring in an income...he was totally against that...at first.....things were fine...without abuse until about our first  Easter ....then things went south....He started calling me bad names and belittling me.....then a few months later he started to be physical.....I didnt think much of myself then......and thought that treatment  was appriopriate....because why would anyone do that to a loved one that they chose to be love and cherished.....I got stomped on by his feet...punched with his fists.....broke many a furniture....had a black eye for awhile.......many weird accidents that left  40 some stitches in my  head....you knowon morning I had this hunch to not do a certain activity...I waved it away and ended up with those stitches...... and when there were other bruises....like on my arms and legs...and  someone asks what happened...I would make up something....I am clumsy....no sure...or I bruise easy........I didnt  want anyone to know he was this way...he was up on a pedstal to the public....medical field.....he told me if  I ruined his career I was dead.....he was only  Dr. jekal and Mr. Hyde at home.....physical speaking  that is...he would make up some  bad joke on my behalf....and make me feel bad.....I never ever dared to speak up against his comments....or  let him know I was hurting...he told me several times.....that he just wished I would quit taking up so much of his air he was breathing.....that I was a fatass bitch and needed to loose weight....I was 6 sizes bigger  than when we married.........I then left him for 4 days...he called my  mom's  and  well there I was...we made ammends and I went home with him.....not even a month later..the abuse started again....I stayed with him through the Holidays.....and got some money saved up....he went to my job and talked to the administrator and got the days I work and he checked to make sure I had that on my check ...one day was missing...the day I went in as a call in ....and they didnt have t hat on my check..when he checked my hours....I had to call them and ask them to print  me a check as soon as possible....to show him I was at work...infact on that day in question...I found naughty pictures of skinny women and internet addresses...so I checked one day when he was on a emerancy  call to find out  in fact he was the one  *I should be wondering about.....I think seeing his ad in the personals...was a eye opener..like someone stabbed you inthe heart and swisted the knife .the words he used and the comments he made about his wife ....it really hurt to know he was cheating on me...I now know with real women....one day  I got a strong back bone or stupid and I asked him if he ws cheating on me...he said no....about 6 monhs proir to me leaving...he opened acountin just his name and that was where I was to deposit money...if I needed anything he would get it...I did this a ew times and also worked as a housekeer on the side...to hide some get way money....I kept my money in my locker at work so he wouldnt get it..nothing was private .....life was a real roller coaster...anyway sorry I got off track...I left him 21/2 years ago..after he said he didnt love me and I had 20 days to leave...and find a place to live.....I left 5 days later while he was on an emerancy  trip  well he remarried 20 days after the divorce was final.....I am still worried that he might  find me....and  what  it might mean for me and my safety.....will I ever be totally  normal...... normal for me that is?....like forgetting and letting go.....will I have to worry all the time.?.Will I ever trust someone to be close to me ever again?.....How can I be stronger ? if I ever do ......how can I attact he right...caring man?.....well thanks for listening to me....I bet it was a chore reading this...alot of hoops and loops.....Have a great day  and thanks for reading.   Please leave out my name and  personal information ...please make up a name....I really do value my life, Please please....it felt good getting that off my chest....and in hopes it also helps someone else....but  I dont want to hurt any more...or even worry about him finding me...to kill me.... take care of  me and others hiding in fear
 
March 30, 2008, 8:21 pm CDT

03/31 Bruised and Battered

 Having been on the outside looking in (and for that I am eternally grateful ), being at the Hospital in the middle of the night, wanting to SCREAM at my friend when she told the ER Doc that she fell down the stairs, or coming to my door in the middle of the night bruised and bloodied, BEGGING me not to call the police, I have to say, and bear with me there is no gentle way to say, battered women can and are frustrating people to deal with.
Even after she tried to explain why she took him back, or why she stayed, nope, I didn`t get it, still don`t to be honest, but I wasn`t in the situation, so what do I know right .
These guys are the most CHARMING characters you`ll ever meet when dating, that`s a red flag, no guy is on his best behavior at all times, or the PERFECT gentleman all the time and that`s where they start, its subtle at first , you go out with friends for the evening, and he calls and texts all night ``I miss you, I was worried about you being out so late ``, ``why are you dressed like a whore, who are you meeting, I only get jealous because I love you so much (Love is NOT jealous).
These guys are MASTERS of seeking out desparate and low sef esteem, though anyone can fall victim.
They charm your friends and family, then isolate you from them.
As a friend or family member, I would beg, DO NOT allow her to be isolated, give her a safe place to go, a safe place for her children, she will NOT LEAVE until she is ready, sad reality, but when she does be supportive, not judgemental (what took you so long, is NOT being supportive).
As for my friend, she`s doing GREAT, the night she left, I gave her $100 for bus tickets to her parents, for her and her kids, she had charges pressed, put him in jail for a very little while, but for just long enough for her to get supports in place for the safety of her and her children.
She also received thereapy for her and the kids, she to figure out WHY she thought she deserved such treatment, and for the trauma the kids suffered being exposed to it, she is with a great man now, refuses to marry him, but that`s okay, its her life now, and she is free to live as she choses.

 
March 30, 2008, 9:33 pm CDT

abuse

Quote From: hankscmkjv

Enough is enough.

There are well sheltered studies ( look up Strauss for example ) that women are MORE PHYSICALLY VIOLENT than men! Suprised?

When psychological abuse is considered,....

women BY FAR were GRAVELY MORE ABUSIVE than men

( think of the mother who drove the 13 year old girl to suicide -

-I 'll bet you forgot all about this so you could focus on 'nasty men'.

It appears the only time a fleeting interest occurs is when teeange girls kill ANOTHER girl.

Although I can cite several such cases, Rena Virk in Canada was one of the most disgusting cases.

Yet the media choses to hush such incident.

People tend to giggle about Lorena Bobbit's vicious attack, but the same would not hold true if he would have sliced of a breast.

I am NOT denying there are men who use violence for whatever reason,..

inability to express self, as a primal reaction to threat, infrustration to false allegations, loss of touch with reality,...... WHATEVER it is,.....

NOTHING will be solved by POINTING fingers at men as montsters,...but it WILL make things worse

asa fundamental root of the problem is being ignored - VIOLENCE HAS NO SEX.

so rather than trying to save ONE womans life,....

let's try to TEACH people that VIOLENCE is an UNACCEPTABLE action / reaction from EITHER SEX.

Then maybe we can save at LEAST one of the many men / dad's contemplate & committ SUICIDE DAILY ( in Quebec alone - the stat is 3 -5 men daily ) .

Don't wait until it is your son or brother to speak out against violence towards men.

best regards

Hank

Montreal Canada

eve seen alot of women who are provokative to their husband and they dont listen to their husband. There is more to this, not only one side.Ive never been beaten ever, but ive seen a lot of my friends. But there is 2 sides of everything. Maybee you can discuss this further. IM from SWEDEN iI live in GOTHENBURG, im looking at the program almost every day. elisabeth s*  a*
 
March 30, 2008, 11:20 pm CDT

3/31 - Bruised & Battered, Hank from Canada

Quote From: hankscmkjv

Enough is enough.

There are well sheltered studies ( look up Strauss for example ) that women are MORE PHYSICALLY VIOLENT than men! Suprised?

When psychological abuse is considered,....

women BY FAR were  GRAVELY MORE ABUSIVE than men

( think of the mother who drove the 13 year old girl to suicide -

 -I 'll bet you forgot all about this so you could focus on "nasty men".

 

It appears the only time a fleeting interest occurs is when teeange girls kill ANOTHER girl.

Although I can cite several such cases, Rena Virk in Canada was one of the most disgusting cases.

Yet the media choses to hush such incident.

 

People tend to giggle about Lorena Bobbit's vicious attack, but the same would not hold true if he would have sliced of a breast.

 

I am NOT denying there are men who use violence for whatever reason,..

inability to express self, as a primal reaction to threat, infrustration to false allegations, loss of touch with reality,...... WHATEVER it is,.....

 

NOTHING will be solved by POINTING fingers at men as montsters,...but it WILL make things worse

asa fundamental root of the problem is being ignored - VIOLENCE  HAS NO SEX.

 

so rather than trying to save ONE womans life,....

let's try to TEACH people that VIOLENCE is an UNACCEPTABLE action / reaction from EITHER SEX.

 

Then maybe we can save at LEAST one of the many men / dad's  contemplate & committ SUICIDE DAILY ( in Quebec alone - the stat is 3 -5 men daily ) .

Don't wait until it is your son or brother to speak out against violence towards men.

 

best regards

 

Hank

Montreal Canada

Dear Hank,

 

So ,You are "Not denying there are men who use violence for whatever reason". In fact, there are Perfectly Understandable, Forgivable, Valid, Reasonable reasons why men abuse their women! You named some apt triggers which would Naturally lead to such behaviors in men. Let me repeat, and address them:

 

1) Inability to Express Self.  Now, that's a Wonderful excuse. I ask you, What Else can a poor Inarticulate man do, when faced with his own Anger, and no "feeling vocabulary"; indeed, NO IDEA of how to Communicate in such a realm....What's a man to do??? There's just NO OTHER WAY to express and remedy his rage! And after all, it's HER FAULT that he's acting this way - as Anyone can see!!! Plain as the nose on your face!

 

2) As a Primal Reaction to a Threat. How DARE a woman Threaten him!!!  'Seems to me she's just ASKING FOR IT!!!   If a woman has the AUDACITY to question her man's "Manly" behavior, or worse, the Sheer GALL to talk of Leaving him, for example...well How, I ask you, is the man to respond? She is FORCING him right into a Primal Reaction!!! She has NO RIGHT to Anger the poor guy, with - for example -pleas to stop his cheating, lying, exploitative, caustic ways.... Woman, Know your Place!!! Put up and Shut up, I Say.

 

3) In Frustration over False Allegations. Now that's just going WAY over the Line!!!!  Any woman who thinks her man is acting like a Cad, and furthermore CALLING HIM ON IT, Deserves what she Gets!!! And if her guesses are wrong - based merely on his past behaviors, or even her own insecurities - Well - There you Are!! Deserving of abuse she clearly is!!

4) Loss of touch with reality. Well, aren't most male "Abusers" basically just "Out of Touch"? Women Have some Sympathy, for God's sake!  Stop Bitching about your bloody noses, estrangement from your families, living in abject Fear, loss of hope and confidence and the giving up of your Dreams....

 

And Hank, you are SO On The Money, when you say "Rather than trying to save One Woman's Life..."

I mean, what's a Woman's life Really Worth, anyway???? Instead, we should concentrate on those Billions of poor creatures (men) who are literally Shaking in their Boots anticipating the next time their woman SLAPS them!!!!  WHOEVER SAID men are generally bigger, stronger, and socialized to be physically and emotionally tougher than the average woman??? And that women have More to Fear, realistically, than men in comparable positions....Well, that's Just Plain SEXIST!!!!

 

Seriousy, Hank....You wouldn't happen to be a bit Defensive by any chance, would you? You seem to have an Awfully bitter reaction to addressing the problem of male-on-female domestic violence - which, incidentally, is FAR more prevalent than the reverse.

 

And I Know from whence I speak....I am a female escapee from just such a situation.

 

lolo

 

USA   

 
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