Topic : 08/14 Hitting Rock Bottom

As a mother of a terminally ill, mentally/physically disabled child I have to say that I think everyone should stop insisting that Shauna just walk away from her husband-as if it would be that simple. Unless you have been where she is, you have no idea how scary the world looks when you picture yourself alone in it with a very ill child. She cannot work full time without a lot of support and disability does not even begin to pay a fraction of what it takes to raise a special child. Regardless of his drinking problem, she has a special bond with Kevin that is ONLY formed between the two parents of a special child, and it would be difficult for anyone to understand that unless they have walked in their shoes. They formed their son out of love, have cared for him and each other throughout his difficult life, and sometimes the strain of that pushes people do turn to things they should not. I will pray for this family to find the help they need-for Kevin, Shauna and their baby boy-hopefully together.

But, does your situation put you in a position to dictate that Shauna should stay with Kevin? How do your, and her, husbands compare?

          My brother stopped coming to visit her because he hates me. He "took care" of her from the time my father died until she started having problems and couldn't live alone anymore. I found out how he was taking care of her and fixed it!!! He was suppose to be the trustee of her will. Since trustees aren't paid to do wills he talked her into getting another insurance policy  with him as the sole beneficiary. It was a twenty thousand dollar policy! He told her that the money from those policies would pay for all the expenses of the house while my son and I stayed here. Then after an argument he told mom he and his wife would have to move into the house so they could afford the taxes.When I reminded him about the insurance policies he blew up. He said that money was for him to be the executor of the will! Mom gave him a copy of her will and he took it to his in-laws house to let them read it!!!! Mom wrote a new will and didn't tell any of us what was in it. Basically it was the doings of her attorney. If I hadn't talked her into adding my other brother and myself to the insurance policy the only person getting anything would have been the brother who didn't talk to her for the last year of her life.She blamed me for him "leaving" the family. He was her favorite. She blamed me for HIS choices.

Amazing!!! The stigma attached to a gambler is so much worse than a alcoholic or drug attic. Dr Phil tore into the guy because of his gambling problem and no help unless he acts rsponsible for 30 days. Tell a alcoholic to live next door to a package store for 30 days without drinking. He needs help now! A gambler is 25% more likely to commit suicide than a a drug addict or drinker. Thats pretty low. As a gambler who has constantly battled gambling addiction for over 22 years (39 now), and grew up with a family of gambling, I know what it feels like to want to eat a bullet because of stupid mistakes. Dr Phil makes resources available to a DAD to DAD but a gambling addict (a dad too) has to prove he has the will to survive. A gambler has no wilI, all he has is dreams. I agree with Dr Phil most of the time, but I think he left this guy hang out to dry.

I know the feeling of being at rock bottom and having nothing, no one to help, nowhere to go but up supposedly, yet the wheels just keep getting deeper into the mud. I'm there. I've reached out to everyone and no one's helping me either. That just means it's up to us to help ourselves. I'm going to keep reaching out for someone to grab my hand and help me out of the ditch but at the same time, I'm trying to come up with some proactive measures, just in case it doesn't happen. I've had to fight for everything my entire life. Let me tell you, after 31 years, I'M TIRED!  But I'm not giving up, don't you give up either.

Maybe he's drinking to escape the pain. That's not right but it does happen. I'm by no means an alcoholic but I've had a really rough life and it ain't getting any better. If I do right or wrong, the end result is the same. It helps me to escape into a bottle for a night or two. Marriage is for better or worse. If the situation has caused him to so much pain that he needs to escape we need to remember he's hurting too. Like i said, it's not right. I'm not condoning what he does but I do understand it. Life just gets to be too much sometimes and though diving into the bottle may not be the best way, for some of us, it's the only way we've found. I won't go into details of my situation because it's not relevant to this message board but I will tell you that I am bipolar and I can't get medication for it. Sometimes I use alcohol to keep me from bouncing too high or low. It doesn't work great but it makes me think it does!

We need to all take a step back and realize, this father is in pain too. I'm absolutely not condoning what he is doing but when you reach the end of your rope and you feel you have nowhere to turn, it's amazing where you find relief. Yes, her first priority needs to be her child but her second needs to be her husband. Marriage is for better or worse and a sick child is the worst. Maybe he's not dealing with it the best way, but maybe it's the best way he can.

I cannot even begin to imagine how it must be to be a parent of a child in this condition! People cope in different ways and I can't judge them.

 

But, Dr. Phil said one very powerful thing to this father when he said something to the effect of: "You don't have the time to be drunk because you do not know how much more time with this child you have". I'm hoping that the look on this father's face when he heard that meant that it was an "aha" moment and that he got it!

 

My prayers are with every single parent out there who is dealing with this situation.

I'm not going to hammer you because you drink....but, I want you to think about something: when you fall into the bottle to escape your problems, those problems are still there when you sober up..only they become worse because you avoid dealing with and SOLVING them! Problems tend to flourish when fertilized with alcohol. 

 

Don't kid yourself that "it's the only way", as you said. I know you know better. Your last sentence tells me that.

 

LOTS of people have a rough life...I'VE had a rough life...so what? You deal with it. What you aren't getting is that every minute you delay dealing with your problems is one more minute of your life that you've wasted. And don't use the excuse that you are bipolar and "cannot get medicine". Of course you can!! You've GOT to know that there are many, many state agencies who will help people with medical care.

 

Stop using excuses, and do something to CHANGE your situation. You are responsible for you. Self-pity is a destructive crippler. 

Ok, actually, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. After I've fought and fought and fought for however long and I'm tired of fighting, I take a night and I go out and get blitzed. Yes, the problems are still there the next day but that's how I escape them for one night. I do not delay dealing with them, I just need a break from fighting my way through life every now and then. Also, I didn't mean it's the only way, I meant for some of us it's the only way WE'VE FOUND. I've tried other things, I've yet to find a better way. Also, I was absolutely not using the excuse that I'm bipolar and can't get medicine. The fact is I AM BIPOLAR. I CANNOT GET MEDICINE. I live in podunk Oklahoma. I have no health insurance. I am epileptic so I can't drive to mental health which is REALLY FAR AWAY. There is no public transportation. There are not resources here for me to get it. But it was not an excuse. I was simply stating that EVERY NOW AND THEN I do use it to help. It cracks me up how you people are so quick to judge. Do you not think I have exhausted EVERY option that I can imagine? I realize you don't know me but if you did you would know I am not one to make excuses. I have been fighting for 31 years to try to change my situation. Most of my problems are due to outside forces, they were not any choice of my own. It's great that you have this ability to get your life out of the ditch. It's awesome that your mind works that way and you probably have family and friends and your life is in order. Not all of us work that way. I would give ANYTHING to find my way out of this but I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. Obviously you've never been in my shoes. Obviously you have no idea what it's like for your entire life to be screwed no matter what you do to try to fix it. This started long before I was ever even able to make a decision on my own. Why don't you people that know it all teach some of us who are a little confused.