Topic : 08/01 Perfectionist Moms

My son is 10.  He plays Baseball, basketball and football.  I have never missed a practice for any of his sports, I am at every game and I cheer loudly.  As I was watching the show today I wondered, "Am I overbearing?  Am I making the same mistakes as these women?"  So... I asked my son.  The answer is no.  My son perceives me as giving him support, hearing my voice lets him know that I'm there and that I'm paying attention.  I cheer for my son - but I don't coach from the sidelines.

I think there is a very fine line between making the best choices for your child and wanting what's best for them and controlling them.  I think that fine line is motive.  What is your motive for wanting _________ for your child?  Is it for them or for you?  We all take pride in our children's accomplishments, but we can do that without taking anything away from them.

I'm proud of my sons athleticism.  I'm proud of me for initiating that interest, for making sure that he goes to practice, for being able to provide him with the equipment, for supporting him... but he's responsible for the hard work and the talent... and I make sure that he knows that. 

We also homeschool our son - which is not so much about control but about opportunity.  We wanted to give him the opportunity to learn without boundaries, to learn at his own pace.  Public school was not providing him the opportunity to take some things slower and others faster. 

What I would say to Sonya is this:  Don't try to live  your life through your daughter - support her in her decisions and be her greatest cheerleader.

To the second mom (sorry, I forget her name) - your son is 18, ease up a bit.  Leave your daughters weight alone... she's active and athletic - she'll be fine.  Unconditional love is the name of the game.  Cheer for your kids - don't coach them. 

And to the dads?  Man up.  These are your kids... be involved, express your opinion and be willing to defend your position.

Dr. Phil's suit, shirt and tie were outstanding.  Robin you know how to make your man look his best.  Thanks for tackling all the parenting battles.  We all need the knowledge.  I would love a show about aging parents.  I would love to know how to remain respectful without being walked all over.

WOW!  How wonderful and blessed you are to have children that love you and want to be around you!  That is the greatest compliment and reward a parent can have.  What an awesome job you have done in raising three kids by yourself! In using a very balanced, common sense approach with your kids you have allowed them to become self confident, independent adults.  I respect that you were not their friend, that is an important point. But obviously the kids felt like you were an excellent Mom, in the fact that they CHOOSE to be around you now and allow you to reamain involved in their Lives. They are your greatest legacy as you already know.

I want to thank you for validating and understanding the disdain I feel for my Mother. My Mom brags about me to the residents in her Senior Apt complex, but the sad fact is that I am ashamed to have her as my Mom. If they knew what she was like with the family, they would not like her, I am sure. And if my Mom knew how us kids and grandkids felt about her, it would crush her. Most kids will automatically love their Moms, but it is another thing entirely to LIKE a parent. We do not like our Mom. We are kind enough and have enough respect that we would not ever intentionally hurt her.  I can not repeat the horrible things that my brothers, nieces and nephews say about her, but not to her face.  It hurts me for her, but unfortunately, it is all too true.

Oh to have had a Mom like you!  Again, great  job on your part. Just think, not only do your kids love to be around you, but some day the grandkids will love you, too!  And in contrast, what a sad, sad legacy my Mom has left for herself.

Poor Annie - as soon as you can, run like the wind and move to the opposite end of the USA so your controlling Mom won't poison your marriage and your kids, too.

Sonya, wake up. Look at yourself in the interview.  And get some therapy for your own deep seated insecurities. Holy cow, there is a difference in love and obsession. Dr. Phil was very kind to you - if he had let the audience speak, they would have crucified you. I am sure Annie does love you, but does she LIKE you?  What legacy are you creating for you Life?  The secret in Life is that YOU have to create your own happiness! (with God's Grace, of course). Your Annie can't create it for you.

      I love figure skating.  I belonged to a board where the parents kept in touch.  My favorite parent is Beatrisa Liang's mother, Alice.  She discusses this subject.  In figure skating, it is the parents who hire coaches, choreographer, and physical trainers.  Costumes, ice time, and equipment can cost several thousand dollars.  It is expensive and time-consuming.

      And there is a limit as to how helpful Alice can be to  Bebe's relationship with Frank and Ken, who are her daughter's coaches.  The tough part is always letting Frank and Ken be her coaches.  True, Alice has learned a great deal about the sport along the way.  But, Alice allows them to do their job.  She is her daughter's parent--not the hired help. 

      Like your son, Bebe has been  home-schooled.  Figure skating is tough.  There are only 24 hours in a day.  Preparing for US Nationals and the World Championships means 6 hours of practice every day. . .       

What I see in Sonya is a woman wracked with guilt.  Annie could be any child, good or bad.  It doesn't matter.  Sonya is consumed by her own guilt and is trying to attone by this attempt at molding the new and better her in Annie.

It will not work of course.  Annie clearly resents her (why on earth WOULDN'T she?) and hopefully will rebel like a normal teenager should.

It is too late to salvage a normal relationship with Annie.  The best Sonya can hope for at this point is that Annie will get as far away from her as possible and some day understand that it isn't her fault that her mother treated her the way she did.

The problem I see is that without letting Annie make choices about friends, school, really life in general, she is cripping her ability to become an adult and dooming her to be someone else's puppet - a submissive housewife perhaps?  Someone who will take all the abuse she has learned to take and never complain?  This is Sonya's vision of a perfect woman?

Her plan to mold her into a "free thinking, strong woman" is tragically misguided.  The way to do that is to encourage her to make choices and learn from mistakes, not to make all of her choices for her and punish her when those choices are wrong.

Likely neither Sonya or Annie will read this, but I would encourage Annie to get as far away from that woman as possible and try to learn to think for herself, be her own person..  Not some half-baked idea of what Sonya wishes she COULD have been.

And I would encourage Sonya to seek out help from a professional.  The guilt she is clearly struggling with is a major issue and I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised to find a long standing substance abuse issue in there as well.

Benito Camello

This show was unbeleaveable to me. How in the world could a person spend there whole life from the minute the child is born planning there whole life for them. To me that mother needs help big time. She is really sick and I feel really sorry for the young lady having to live like that. That is true child abuse to me. She truly needs help what will the mother do when the daughter growns up and moves as far away from her as possilbe, because that is what I would do if I were that young lady. There is no such thing as perfect child. The mother is not living in the real world ar all.

We all need to understand that being the best parent is not mapping your children’s future to the point that you do not allow them to make any of the decisions.  In addition, we have to fall in order to learn how to get up.  If parents are doing all of the above; how will one learn?  We do not learn by dictation.  We learn by participation!  Parents cannot live their lives through their children.  However, children do need support, guidance, and most of all love and understanding.