Topic : 08/01 Perfectionist Moms

My question is:  where is the father in this young lady's life?

Kathy

North Carolina

I speak not just as someone who has experienced a perfectionist mom, but as someone who is still in a quite active situation.  I'm only halfway through college, so I'm in transition between being dependent on my parents and learning to support myself. 

I had a perfectly happy childhood--I could pursue and succeed at my own hobbies, I was naturally successful in school, and through that freedom I could choose to respect and connect with my parents.  Aside from displaying a strong will, I came off essentially as a "perfect child."  Then I started to grow up.  The bar continued to rise, and I was still, in the background, expected to achieve everything on my own.  I had difficulties transitioning into middle school, which became evident in my grades and my attitude to homework.  But when faced with this, my mom simply stated that we all knew I could do better.  I would face consequences if my grades were below a certain level (*disclaimer* there were no physical threats or anything legally questionable; i was faced with the typical no-tv, no-computer, no-friends-over, etc.).  The point was made.  I didn't want to face consequences regardless of what they were, so I made it my mission to show my best.  Within a year, I was making straight A's.  And all the while, the bar continued to rise.  By the end of high school, I would push myself beyond physical limits to be academically successful, because that's what it took to keep my hobbies.  Any problems I came across were a result of something I was doing wrong and needed to fix.  My most passionate activities (namely theatre) were not predictable enough to be a worthy career, in my mom's opinion.  Everything that I was starting to decide on my own was wrong somehow.

I'm honestly scared for Annie in particular, after some of what she said on the show.  "I'm always nervous" is a phrase that I've lived with for at least six years now.  Early this year, I was diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder, and my counselor recommends that I get evaluated for ADHD.  Perfectionism is an issue I have to battle with in my own minset every day.  A parent who wants their child to live up to an image they have set forth doesn't just not allow for stumbling blocks that require real help.  Sometimes they can create them.  And once that child is out on their own those issues become a lot harder to combat.  I know, because I'm living it right now.

You got dat rite!  Unfortunately, I suspect that he bailed due to Sonya's control issues. One can only guess and hope that he did. Sonya, do you have the courage to respond?  Better yet, do you have the courage to admit you may have a problem?

Annie, run! If your Dad has divorced your Mom, go live with him and get centered again. Anything would be healthier than the standard to which you are being held by your Mom. 

And Dad, step up to the plate here and provide your child with some intervention and support. As another reader put it "Man up", for goodness sake!

What exactly is the "perfect" child, when I heard that mother talk yesterday about wanting her daughter to be perfect because she was a gift from God.  Well, does that make kids who aren't perfect not a gift from God.  She talked about her wanting to get straight A's, wanting to date the football player, etc.  But what if your child doesn't or cant do those things.

I have 2 children, my girl is 5 and I think she is perfect, she is doing so good in her first year of school, she is polite, funny and a great child.  However, my definition of "perfect child" changed drastically when I had my son who is 2 1/2 years old.  My son was born at 24 weeks gestation which was 16 weeks early and was at the stage the doctors describe "threshold viability" which means he had a 50% chance of survival and if he did survive a 50% chance of major, life long disabilities.  He weighed 1 lb 8oz......there is no way to describe what 24 oz of your flesh and blood looks like lying in an incubator.  All of his major organs were at risk because they were so underdeveloped.  He spent 12 weeks in the NICU and almost died a few times.  I only got to hold him 4 times in his first 7 weeks of life and he was 7 days old before I even got to hold him at all.  Since he was born he has had 6 surgeries and been in the hospital numerous times.  When we left the NICU we were seeing 11 doctors, physical therapist, occupational therapists and speech therapists.  He has progressed beyond any doctors expectations and is doing wonderful, he still has some health issues (some mild hearing loss, eye problems, lung problems, we have issues with his skull but not his brain)  Developmentally he is doing what all boys his age do and all of his doctors are so proud. 

The reason I tell you all of that is because I certainly had to change my definition of a perfect child.  Two and half years down the road (2 million dollars in doctors bills, appx 5 months in the hospital, 6 surgeries and more doctors appointment that I could ever count)  I feel I have the "perfect child"  He may not make straight A's because of developmental delays and he may never be the star quarterback because of his health issues BUT he is my baby and he is my "gift from God", he is my miracle child because he was never even supposed to be here but because of our Heavenly Father's grace, the hard work of doctors, nurses, therapists and organizations that fight prematurity Eli is with us today.

We named him Eli because it means "Delivered" and reference the Bible Ps 50:15 - "Call on me in your day of trouble and I will deliver you and you will honor me"  

My definition of the "perfect child" has changed.  Both of my children are perfect, my daughter because she is thoughtful, loving, smart and funny and my son Eli, well he is perfect, just because he is here!