Topic : 08/01 Perfectionist Moms

To the parents of these children. Love them guide them. Children and people do make mistates and learn from them. Let your children be who they want to be. Let them pick who they want to hang out with. Let your children pick what line of work they want to get into.

Hello there Are NO PERFECT PPL Soyna..... If U Smother her she is more Likely to go out & get into trouble the 1st chance she gets...My Mom thought for Me so much I now live every day Un sure what I'm supposed to do,go,say,I don't have any friends,don't know who I am,afraid to make mistakes or take chances either,it's like I'm stuck in a Time Warp!!! I had to grow up at 15 when I was told I wasn't welcome to live at home now that I was pregnant & was made to marry the guy which was a HUGE MISTAKE. I was sexually abused as a younger child & my mom was always hitting me for something I had done or if even someone lied & said I did it & Mom didn't believe ME so I got punished and took the blame,my marriage was 10 years of more abuse,when I finally went to my mom for a shoulder to lean on after I got Beat,she said I probably deserved it!! I think all I EVER Wanted from My MOM was to Listen & Hear ME & Accept Me for who I was flaws and all and to be there when I needed someone when I had No-One but she just gave me The Talk & just can't just Hold Me & say she Loves ME....
   I try hard to live my life the Right WAY but I don't feel she sees that in me & I want SO MUCH to be close to her & not be worried I'm not doing the right thing & I have pushed her away for many years because she says things that HURT ME & she doesn't understand how much she's hurt Me & that makes Me More SAD & she's getting older & part of me just wants to find a way to put the past behind but as tears roll from my eyes I'm not sure if I'll ever hear her tell me she's proud of Me & I wish she could only know that I hurt from what she did & said to me,that I wasn't even a good BABY & so much so that she would have to spank me almost every night so I would goto sleep at night & how I would hear her tell her friends,family this story when I was close enough to hear,as a mom myself I could Never do that to my kids..
   My mom came up not long ago & I was telling her about my bad teeth & she Say's you used to have such nice teeth why don't you go get them fixed,I said aside from no-one wants to take the ins I have,I have a BIG Phobia of dentists and I have been hurt pretty bad by 1-2 and I'm afraid,I can't think of Anything my Mom is afraid of,worries about & she's been this way forever but she doesn't get it.....
   Please Don't Smother Your KIDS,let them fall it's OK.....I wish I knew how to figure life out but I don't have the tools I need & don't know how to find them...

Stories like this one always make me sad. I watched this episode the first time it aired. I truly believe that this type of parental behavior has become an epidemic. For some reason, the parents of today have an obsession with their children. I don't disagree that from the moment you give birth, your priorities change, but this idea of "molding" your children into this image you have for them...its just twisted. You must love your child, you must make your child's well-being your top priority, but sometimes I think that parents take it a couple of steps too far. I once read somewhere that parents need to stop viewing their child as an "extension of themselves". It is a very selfish parent who cannot accept their child as a PERSON rather than an item that they "own".

In my profession, I have seen way too much of this. I work at a University and way too often I see the consequences of children who have been coddled all their lives trying to break that connection, but being unable to. In one instance, I was counseling a father who had called about his son's performance the semester before complaining that it is somehow the University's fault that his son had done so poorly. Throughout the conversation said father repeatedly used phrases such as: "We are trying to earn a degree in HISTORY"; "We saved and planned for college for X number of years"...It was at this moment that it hit me. The father was unable to separate himself from his son. Everything his son was doing was all about him - the father. This is so common in today's society and it is why, I believe, today's young adults have such an entitlement issue.

I have to admit that I started out parenting this way. I made the choice to not work outside the home until my daughters were in middle school. What I realize looking back now is that I made my life totally and completely all about them to a point that if they felt pain, I took on that pain, and if they didn't do well I viewed it as a reflection of me. When I started to work, it was a big adjustment for my daughters to learn to think for themselves because I did so much of the thinking for them. I am very happy that I was able to pull back and view it as a less than favorable situation. I think my daughters are well-adjusted young adults now because I allowed them to have control of their lives.

I think Dr. Phil missed the mark on the show. The advice that was given to the parent's about their children and how to let go, or ease off, should have been more directed toward the perfect parent, not the child. Those parents on the show are not concerned with their children being perfect. Rather, they are concerned with themselves being perfect. The result is simply a by-product of a job perfectly done. I used to be that way with my kids, two boys, until I realized that I didn't want them to be perfect, I wanted to be perfect. Why, because I felt inadequate as a person. My mother as a single mom was filled with OCD tendencies, and as a result, I was Cinderella. Everything I did around the house had to be perfect and if it wasn't, I'd get hit for it. When I grew up, I started doing the same to my kids, but finally realized one day, it wasn't for their sake that I was acting like a lunatic, and it was for my own sake. It was the inadequacies I felt as a person, that nothing I did was good enough. I tried desperately to take parenting under my belt like I had all my other tasks. I call it Mental OCD. It's not the task, it's the mindset. My standards were high about everything and my mind could not see passed the perfect person I set out to be, or was brainwashed to be. I still have Mental OCD but direct it to myself, instead of others. I believe if I strive hard enough, I can accomplish anything, but I should never expect others to have the same philosophies, because we all own our own right to be whomever we choose to be. Those moms on the show should have been told that they didn't want the perfect children; they wanted to be the perfect mom because of their own insecurities about themselves. They want the notoriety and pat on the back when their children succeed. They want validation that they did a great job as a parent.

 

(It has nothing to do with the perfect child)

Sonya is such a sad example of a woman who is disappointed in her own life, so she's determined to have a do-over through her daughter....regardless of the emotional toll it takes on this girl. Such a selfish goal.

 

I lost count of the times she said "I, I, I, me, me, me; I want, I need, I didn't do this, so she will....right down to dating the football star, (who is probably a self-absorbed jerk anyway), and never mind what the daughter wants.

 

Fortunately, this girl is a lovely young lady, but, I believe it's in spite of her mother more than because of her!  It has taken a toll, though, because look how anxious and unsure she is; she's afraid to speak her mind...and just couldn't get a word in edgewise until Dr. Phil forced the mother to shut up and listen!

 

The fastest way to kill love is to smother it!

 

Sad, sad, sad.        

That woman really hit a nerve with me today..  She made a remark about a teen coming home pregnant at 16 because her parents weren't there to tell her how to make the "right" decision. I was a straight "A" student, with the pushy parents to be the best. At 16 I came home pregnant by a guy I'd been seeing for 2 years; he was the same age. I maintained my 3.8 GPA on a 4.0 scale. I am now almost 19, graduated from high school in the top 1/3 of my class, working two jobs to support my daughter and live on my own; NEWS FLASH: I am doing just fine. I deal with anxiety every day due to my upbringing. You may think that you're doing what's best for your daughter by making her choices but one day she's going to push back and it won't be a decision you like. It will be just to get at you--maybe you'll get lucky with something small like a tattoo.. maybe it'll be a baby made their first time.. my parents got both and a hell of a lot more in between. Let your daughter live her life. She obviously has a good head on her shoulders and she will be fine and overcome wherever her life takes her.

I grew up being pushed to excel at a number of things: school, sports, piano, volunteer activities, etc.  My mother had me tested as a child, and I was considered "gifted" and therefore skipped a grade in elementary school, and graduated high school when I was 17.   My parents were very strict with me and I must admit that I was pretty immature for a 17-year-old going off to college.  I never had to make any of my own decisions until the day I left for school.  I ended up becoming a classic case of "repressed teen suddenly on the loose".  I became wild and skipped classes and partied most of the time.  My grades suffered so much that I was suspended for a year.  I graduated after 5 years, and eventually ended up in a successful career, but the path to success was a little bumpy.  Once I had a job I liked, and knew what "I" wanted to do, I enrolled in graduate school (which my job paid for) and ended up doing well professionally.  I felt much more mature and confident of what I wanted - and I did very well - all of it on my own accord.  I wanted to share my story with any potential parents out there who push their children too hard to excel.  I am now 36, and still think about the mistakes I made in college because I just couldn't handle the freedom once I moved away from a controlling home.   I love my parents dearly, and they now admit that they were too strict with me when I was a teen!

Pushy mom's like this one think their kids will come to them when something's wrong???? WAKE UP! You are the LAST person your kid will come to - when your kid gets to adulthood they'll be running in the opposite direction of whereever you are - believe me! You've given enough advice for 100 mothers, so you won't be asked for any for a long time!
GET A LIFE!

 My husband and I asked my son to always do his best.  He was a straight A student, a soloist with a philharmonic orchestra and a member, and then leader, of his school's rock group.   For six years, until he got his driver's license, we shuttled him to play in concerts throughout New York and the tri-state area.  We also encouraged his strong social tendencies, and he has had friends who would do anything for him - and vice versa.

I think it is a crime to neglect one's child abilities - it's not about asking your child to be perfect.  at the same time, parents have to show their children love as much and as often as they can, and prove it with actions.
(Ultimately my son decided to study architecture and climb rocks.  He excells in both.  He has a lovely fiancee and close friends - new and old.)