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Topic : 08/01 Perfectionist Moms

Number of Replies: 309
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, March 28, 2008, 02:30:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/03/08) Every parent believes his or her child is special – the best athlete, the best behaved or the most beautiful -- but for some moms, the pursuit of having the perfect child can turn into an obsession. Sonya says her 18-year-old daughter, Annie, was born perfect. The mom even went so far as to have her tubes tied right after giving birth so she could devote all her time to molding the perfect child! She started entering Annie in beauty pageants when she was 6 months old, and when the girl was 4, she made her watch reality medical shows so she would grow up to be a doctor. Annie regrets not having a normal childhood, and says she hated being pressured to succeed at such a young age. What’s behind Sonya’s obsession with perfection? Then, Cathy says she wants her 13-year-old daughter, Lexie, and her 18-year-old son, Nick, to be the best. Lexie says her mom hassles her about her weight and made her work out an hour a day at age 6! Nick says his mother drives his coaches crazy at sporting events by screaming and critiquing his game. Cathy says she’ll continue to badger and push her kids because she believes they’ll benefit in the long run. But will her controlling ways push her kids away? Share your views here.

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April 3, 2008, 7:34 am CDT

WOW!!!

This woman needs to get a life!!!  She doesn't want to raise a mediocre child?  Well I must have done something wrong.  I have a 23 year daughter that has graduated from college and gone throught a fire academy. I guess walking through a burning building is being mediocre.  My son is a sophomore in college with wonderful grades and plays on his college soccer team.

 

What is this woman thinking???   It sounds like Lexie has more sense than Cathy. Cathy GET A LIFE!! These are the kind of kids that go crazy when they go to college and get away from mommy!!!! I have seen it happen.

 

You had better wake up before it's to late.

 
April 3, 2008, 8:04 am CDT

Controlling Mom

Ladies, get a grip on this behavior before you lose your kids. It is very sad that your are living vicariously through your kids. It is both unhealthy and neurotic.  The message that you are sending is that the kids are not good enough, cannot make good decisions and that they cannot make you happy.

 

I am 52 yrs old and lived with a controlling Mom. She's now 85 and I am her caretaker (ironic).  When I was a teen, my 3 brothers could go anywhere, do anything,  but not the girl.  I fought for my independence until they threatened to put me in a Juvenile center to shut me up.  So I shut up and planned my escape. I saved money, rented my parent's car at $40 a week to go to a part time job. Graduated HS  at 17 and in Aug on the day I turned 18, I pulled all the dishes, household items, etc for my new life out from under my bed, loaded up the car I bought and moved out to an apt with a girlfriend. Never looked back. My parents paid to send my three brothers to college, not me because I did not go with the flow.

 

But here is my Mom's legacy.  My Dad passed away 11 yrs ago. He was very passive and let my Mom have her way. Believe me, it was the easiest thing to do to keep the peace. He later told us he did not agree and told her so, but she was so self righteous she could not see it.

 

I married, but never had kids.  I felt that if they thought of me the way I thought of my Mom, I would hate myself.  My brother's had two kids each.  To this day, neither my brothers or the grandkids can stand to be around Mom. She is a negative, opinionated, controlling person. Even now, I take time off work to help her with moving to her new apt, doctors and her bills.  I count the minutes when I will be done with her business and I can walk out the door. None of us kids want to see her or be around her and my brothers and their kids complain to me about her behind her back. She has left a very sad legacy for herself. She believes she is a good person. She has damaged us for a Lifetime. I have gone to therapy to learn how to deal with her and how to deal with how much I hate how she is.  That makes me guilty, she's my Mom, I'm supposed to love her, right?  I love her out of respect for her ONLY. If she was not a relative, I would have nothing to do with her - she is absolutely a TOXIC person. Both to herself and our family.

 

I am a very happy, independent, do anything, self supporting, working full time kind of Lady.  I am the exact opposite of her in every way and for that, I am very proud. That no matter what, I am living MY LIFE and have done so many wonderful things for people, animals and charities - despite her opinions, unwanted advice and her sheltered way of Life (she never worked a job). 

 

It is interesting, her friends say how wonderful she is and what a sweet Lady she is and I think "who are you talking about? That's not my Mom." So she knows how to play the game. She just can't live it with her family.

 

So wake up you two Ladies.  I hope you realize what damage you are doing to those great kids. Leave them alone to make some decisions, so they can learn how to make good decisions without fear of retribution and judgement.  Otherwise, as adults they can choose to not be around you.  If you were my Mom, I would choose to minimize all contact with you. And my Mom was not quite as controlling as you two are.  Get some therapy for this need you have to control. And I hope your husbands step in and ask you to curb it. That is one thing my Mom said, she wished that  my Dad had stepped up to halt her more than he did.  Food for thought, huh????

 
April 3, 2008, 8:07 am CDT

Speaking of Perfect Moms

Did anyone catch Robin and Erica in the American Idol audience last night?  I want a ticket too Dr. Phil!
 
April 3, 2008, 8:10 am CDT

04/03 Perfectionist Moms

YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED!! Especially this Cathy-you treat your daughter like she is absolutely incapable of knowing her own mind! .I cant imagine the pressure that poor girl is under. Both women are blessed with great kids yet treat them like cardboard cut outs that you can shape into what you want them to be. Let them be themselves, you may be surprised what great kids you can have without constant pressure from parents who expect perfection. There is no such thing as a perfect child!!! And yes it is possible to be a parent and a friend to your child. I have a very well-adjusted successful 20 year old daughter who has always considered her mom to be her best friend. I hope dr. phil gets through to you because you are really harming your kids with this kind of treatment. If you ask me its a form of child abuse.

 
April 3, 2008, 8:24 am CDT

Sports Moms

Thanks for discussing the child's point of view when parents are constantly yelling at their kids to always perform better on the sports floor.  Six of our seven children played in sports and we are so tired of the parents' yelling!  The kids cannot follow two sets of directions at the same time!!
 
April 3, 2008, 9:11 am CDT

Love Your Child The Way You Wish You Were

     Dear Loving Moms

 

        Your child has many things to face in thier live .  Both good and bad .  We know that it's our job to guide them down the roads that will fill thier lives with joy, happyness, love, and success .  All ceatures need love and exceptance .  If you want to do your best to guide your child away from the things that are harmfull use love and exceptance .  If they don't find it from you they will find it somewhere els .  Somewhere that you don't want them to go looking for it .  You can teach them to be happy and successful wether they got the leading roal or not , wether they got the hat or not , or the goal or not .  Are you teaching them that they are only excepted and successful if they achieve these goals .

        My niece plays vollyball for highschool and last year they won the state championship ( how exciteing ). This year they didn't do as well .  What a let down ?  Only if I make winning the main or only goal .  Vollyball is a team sport .  You learn how to lift up a teamate and how it feels to be lifted up by a teamate .  You learn know to think as a team knowing how to help eachother .  What makes your child a winner ?  What makes them feel excepted and succesful ?  An award or learning how it feels to lift up a teamate that is in need as well as having a teamate to turn to when they are in need.  My niece is a bright, loving, kind, joyfull young lady, that knows that she is loved and successful .  Not because she has an award, but because she has a loving family and friends .

 

 

                                               Teach your kids what love and success IS   show them

                                                                                         Grampa Jim

 
April 3, 2008, 9:26 am CDT

overbearing parents

I am a second grade teacher and have to deal with such parents as the Momzillas. This year I have to deal with a Dadzilla! The dad is always telling me how smart his daughter is and how special (not like the other kids) she is. He started out the second week of school this year telling me that his daughter wasn't being challenged enough - for heaven sakes we had only been in school for two weeks! I told him that if he wanted to challenge his daughter at home, go right ahead. He tries by getting her involved in many activities other school - she is motivated but not as much as he would like her to be. I feel that parents ought to slow down with expectations - let the children be children - they will have plenty of time to act like and be adults! Children need to make choices for themselves and learn from their mistakes. You can not live your childs life - you had your time as a child, now let the child figure some things out for themselves, they are very capable! Concerned teacher!
 
April 3, 2008, 10:02 am CDT

Decision-making

In addition to what everyone else said about perfectionism, I was concerned about the fact that the mom was making all the decisions.  If the child is never allowed to make any decisions for themselves, how will they get any practice?  They are not going to one day wake up as an adult with the ability to make good, independent decisions if they've never even had the chance to try it.

 

Also, these ladies should prepare themselves for a HUGE amount of rebellion - especially the first mom.  As soon as her daughter realizes that she doesn't HAVE to do what mom says, I'm guessing she'll defy her at every opportunity.

 
April 3, 2008, 10:03 am CDT

Perfectionist Moms

Wow! 

 

Being the very proud Mom of a charming, sophisticated, outgoing, brilliant, beautiful, stubborn, demanding, condescending, adorably outstandingand wonderful daughter who is 19 turning 20 within the next couple of weeks....I am truly stunned but not surprised about the attitudes of these 2 controlling Moms.

 

Note my opening line about stubborns, etc...that wasn't an insult to my daughter....that's the perfect child!  My gosh...they come with faults and idiosyncrasies such as we ADULTS DO.  I wasn't aware of the fact that our children came fully loaded with microchips; ON/OFF buttons to regulate & control their personalities and their moods.  I'm sure that both of these Moms mean well, yet living vicariously through a child is dangerous.  It's morally wrong.  My heart goes out to these kids and quite frankly these Moms are very fortunate that their children haven't left the country, never mind their homes to get away from the control.  They are lucky their kids still look up to them and respect them.

 

My daughter is my world, I've indicated on many posts here that I cannot breathe without her...but see...that's the key "her".  My gosh she certainly would not be my daughter if I chose to MOLD, FORM and CREATE who she's supposed to be in my eyes.  In my eyes she's exactly who she's supposed to be, HERSELF; there is no debate.

 

The problem in this world and with many kids today is you either have parents who are completely HANDS OFF, or the exact opposite such as in this case and the parenting aspect is CONTROLLING and OUT OF CONTROL.  My daughter and I have grown so much closer than we ever were before (we were always close) simply because I don't tell her who she should be.

 

As long as she is good to people, treats others with the respect she is entitled to be treated with, doesn't lie, cheat or steal or inflict pain upon someone, then who on earth am I to tell my child who and what she should be, what her destiny should be????

 

I feel sorry for parents such as these 2 Moms as they are truly the ones who cause more damage than good; yet this was not their intent...it kind of backfires because of overcompensating for "perfection" which is only and always will be JUST a word.  Nothing's perfect, no one is perfect.

 

My child could sling hotdogs from a cart, work at Tim Horton's, be a starving artist, etc...and I would treasure, respect and adore her as much as I do now; I'd be happy knowing she's happy, doing what SHE chooses to do in LIFE.  I guess these Moms assume you judge a person by an accolade or success to determine their "worth", well that leaves most of us out I'm afraid as not being worth it in their eyes...I don't need a degree on the wall to tell me who I am, as I already know that and speak for myself a lot louder than a trophy ever could!!!!!

 

                  

 
April 3, 2008, 10:06 am CDT

Excellent!

Quote From: outdoorlady100

Ladies, get a grip on this behavior before you lose your kids. It is very sad that your are living vicariously through your kids. It is both unhealthy and neurotic.  The message that you are sending is that the kids are not good enough, cannot make good decisions and that they cannot make you happy.

 

I am 52 yrs old and lived with a controlling Mom. She's now 85 and I am her caretaker (ironic).  When I was a teen, my 3 brothers could go anywhere, do anything,  but not the girl.  I fought for my independence until they threatened to put me in a Juvenile center to shut me up.  So I shut up and planned my escape. I saved money, rented my parent's car at $40 a week to go to a part time job. Graduated HS  at 17 and in Aug on the day I turned 18, I pulled all the dishes, household items, etc for my new life out from under my bed, loaded up the car I bought and moved out to an apt with a girlfriend. Never looked back. My parents paid to send my three brothers to college, not me because I did not go with the flow.

 

But here is my Mom's legacy.  My Dad passed away 11 yrs ago. He was very passive and let my Mom have her way. Believe me, it was the easiest thing to do to keep the peace. He later told us he did not agree and told her so, but she was so self righteous she could not see it.

 

I married, but never had kids.  I felt that if they thought of me the way I thought of my Mom, I would hate myself.  My brother's had two kids each.  To this day, neither my brothers or the grandkids can stand to be around Mom. She is a negative, opinionated, controlling person. Even now, I take time off work to help her with moving to her new apt, doctors and her bills.  I count the minutes when I will be done with her business and I can walk out the door. None of us kids want to see her or be around her and my brothers and their kids complain to me about her behind her back. She has left a very sad legacy for herself. She believes she is a good person. She has damaged us for a Lifetime. I have gone to therapy to learn how to deal with her and how to deal with how much I hate how she is.  That makes me guilty, she's my Mom, I'm supposed to love her, right?  I love her out of respect for her ONLY. If she was not a relative, I would have nothing to do with her - she is absolutely a TOXIC person. Both to herself and our family.

 

I am a very happy, independent, do anything, self supporting, working full time kind of Lady.  I am the exact opposite of her in every way and for that, I am very proud. That no matter what, I am living MY LIFE and have done so many wonderful things for people, animals and charities - despite her opinions, unwanted advice and her sheltered way of Life (she never worked a job). 

 

It is interesting, her friends say how wonderful she is and what a sweet Lady she is and I think "who are you talking about? That's not my Mom." So she knows how to play the game. She just can't live it with her family.

 

So wake up you two Ladies.  I hope you realize what damage you are doing to those great kids. Leave them alone to make some decisions, so they can learn how to make good decisions without fear of retribution and judgement.  Otherwise, as adults they can choose to not be around you.  If you were my Mom, I would choose to minimize all contact with you. And my Mom was not quite as controlling as you two are.  Get some therapy for this need you have to control. And I hope your husbands step in and ask you to curb it. That is one thing my Mom said, she wished that  my Dad had stepped up to halt her more than he did.  Food for thought, huh????

See, this is the reason why, when I raised my three kids, (2 girls and a boy) I was so careful not to be overbearing with them. I raised them to think for themselves because it was always in my mind that I will not always be here and I wanted them to be independent, free-thinking, whole people....and they are!

Also, you know how you see on TV sitcoms, the adult children joking about their Mothers and how they do everything in their power to avoid spending time with these Mothers because the Mothers are so obnoxious? Well, it would horrify me if my kids felt that way! You feel that way about your mother...how sad. Such a loss for both you and your mother...and she brought that on.

 

I am so grateful that my kids enjoy being around me; we go out to eat often together; they come over here and just hang out; they call me all the time and we have a great relationship. Don't get me wrong: I was NOT their "friend" while they were growing up; I was a parent, and a strict one because I had to raise them alone....but, I always respected them. As they grew up, I backed off the parent role and THEN we became friends.

 

I would be devastated if they wanted to get away from me and didn't want to be around me!

 

The fastest way to kill love (of any kind) is to smother it!! 

 
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