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Topic : 08/01 Perfectionist Moms

Number of Replies: 309
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, March 28, 2008, 02:30:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/03/08) Every parent believes his or her child is special – the best athlete, the best behaved or the most beautiful -- but for some moms, the pursuit of having the perfect child can turn into an obsession. Sonya says her 18-year-old daughter, Annie, was born perfect. The mom even went so far as to have her tubes tied right after giving birth so she could devote all her time to molding the perfect child! She started entering Annie in beauty pageants when she was 6 months old, and when the girl was 4, she made her watch reality medical shows so she would grow up to be a doctor. Annie regrets not having a normal childhood, and says she hated being pressured to succeed at such a young age. What’s behind Sonya’s obsession with perfection? Then, Cathy says she wants her 13-year-old daughter, Lexie, and her 18-year-old son, Nick, to be the best. Lexie says her mom hassles her about her weight and made her work out an hour a day at age 6! Nick says his mother drives his coaches crazy at sporting events by screaming and critiquing his game. Cathy says she’ll continue to badger and push her kids because she believes they’ll benefit in the long run. But will her controlling ways push her kids away? Share your views here.

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April 3, 2008, 10:37 am CDT

Super moms???

I am the mother of a wonderful, though not perfect, 22 year-old daughter.  She is quite an accomplished young lady but not because we drove her to be perfect.  Throughout her years at home, she is now away at college in another state, we have watched her make her own choices and decisions.  She was a "straight A" student all through high school because she was willing to work for something that was important to her.  She was valedictorian of a class of 500+ students because that was the goal she set for herself before her freshman year.  She was a National Merit Scholar because she spent her summer and winter vacations preparing for her college entrance exams.   We didn't push her but did take her to the library to get prep books to see what the ACT and SAT would be like.  There were many times when she wasn't the best or the winner.  She had her setbacks and disappointments.  There were times when she couldn't do something because she had made a committment to something else.  We didn't have to push her to excel -- she set her own goals.  We provided her with reasonable opportunities to have new experiences because that is what she wanted.  I admit that we gave her many travel opportunities because I didn't have that option growing up in a family with five children. 

 

Our daughter is a strong, independent young-adult who makes good choices and sets her own goals.  We have now get to stand back and watch what she is doing and how she is doing it.  She is currently in Italy for a semester studying for her Architecture degree.   We are very proud of her but not because she is who we planned for her to be.  We said the entire time she was at home that our only requirment of her was that someday she be able to live on her own and support herself.  She is definitely on that path.

 

I was amazed with the moms on the show today who weren't there to support their children but wanted to call all the shots and make all the decisions.  What a shame to do this.  I firmly believe in having expectations for your children -- you will go to college, you will work after school for spending money, you will be respectful of others -- but let's get real.  Children learn to be functioning adults by learning to make good decisions at a young age.  How do these moms think they are helping their children succeed without  letting them discover their strengths and weaknesses?  What child knows how to make a good choice when they have never been given the freedom to make a bad one and learn from the consequences? 

 

I know that some bad choices come with life altering outcomes but these choices shouldn't be the first ones a child is asked to make.  A three-year-old can decide if they want to pick up their toys or miss their favorite cartoon if they don't.  A first-grader can decide if they want to use the orange pencil or the blue one to write out their spelling words.  The decision isn't whether or not the spelling words will be written.  A ten-year-old can decide that they are willing to get a bad grade because they can't remember to turn in their completed homework.  It's a lot easier for a child to learn to make choices when the consequences for a bad choice aren't dire.

 

I hope these moms heard what Dr. Phil was telling them.  Parents aren't charged with "molding" thier children but "nurturing" them into adulthood.  I hope the children of these women will now have the freedom to become the people they are meant to be.  That is all that any parent should want for their child.

 
April 3, 2008, 10:52 am CDT

They gonna resent their moms

These ladies are nuts for doing this to their kids. Don't they realize it can mess kids up big time doing these kinds of things to them. Look at Michael Jackson his dad done these crazy things to him and his brothers and I do believe he's suffered because of it. Parents stop it or your kids will resent you for it.
 
April 3, 2008, 11:18 am CDT

Perfections..

 

To me, people who pretend to be perfect are just BORING.  There's individuality in imperfections, our little eccentricities make us interesting characters in the story of life.  Okay, poof, youre perfect, now what?  What's a perfect life about and is it worth living?  There'd be nothing to learn or experience anymore.

 

No one's child is "perfect" and when you expect that, you'll always be disappointed- but not just because they're not perfect.  When they grow up, they won't want to be around you  and instead of working through your stress by projecting it on your kids, once they're adults, then what? Are you going to do the same thing to your spouse?

 
April 3, 2008, 11:36 am CDT

04/03 Perfectionist Moms

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

To me, people who pretend to be perfect are just BORING.  There's individuality in imperfections, our little eccentricities make us interesting characters in the story of life.  Okay, poof, youre perfect, now what?  What's a perfect life about and is it worth living?  There'd be nothing to learn or experience anymore.

 

No one's child is "perfect" and when you expect that, you'll always be disappointed- but not just because they're not perfect.  When they grow up, they won't want to be around you  and instead of working through your stress by projecting it on your kids, once they're adults, then what? Are you going to do the same thing to your spouse?

I have to wonder....will Sonya go along on Annie's honeymoon some day (with, of course, the man Sonya has picked out) to make sure Annie does everything perfectly?? Hmmmm
 
April 3, 2008, 11:46 am CDT

Perfectionist Moms

I only raised one child. I didn't put him in preschool.  I felt he had enough school coming with the 12 years he would put in before college.  I did spend a lot of one on one time with him.  Reading, playing and exploring our world together.  I never felt that he should follow my interest but develop his own interest.  He has grown to be a wonderful secure adult.  Maybe he wasn't  in the top 10 in his class but he did graduate when he should.  These women should back off and realize these are human beings with individual thoughts and feelings. Children raised like this keep people like Dr. Phil employed trying to undo all the damage their childhood created.  Kids only have 1 childhood.  Personality and moral character is developed during that time.  As a parent it is our duty to develop the unique and special talents each child possess not what we wish we had done with our lives. 
 
April 3, 2008, 12:16 pm CDT

sonya needs help

i am currently watching the show and watching the story about sonya and her daughter. that mother needs serious help, her child is going to end up resenting her and when she finally gets away from her controlling, ridiculous mother, she is going to end up going out of control. people who brag like that about their children have obvious insecurities. i wish i could truly express how i feel about this mother, i hope that i never come into contact with her or anybody else like her in my life because people like that are worthless. let your child enjoy their life and get out of it....find something to keep you busy instead of living vicariously though your child. she is 18, in high school and yes she is going to want to maybe try drinking in high school or whatever, LET HER. get out of her life. she will end up hating you, as im sure the majority of other people do while sitting there listening to your pathetic outlook on life and your controlling ways of parenting.
 
April 3, 2008, 12:24 pm CDT

This Mother is enough to Drive anyone Nuts

Oh I feel so so sorry for this young woman!  This mother needs to get her own life, and realize that the backlash will be so unbelievable she won't know what hit her.

 

Is she going to sleep with her boyfriends to make sure they are good enough?  Good gawd this woman needs some serious therapy, and the daughter isn't too far behind.

 

Shame on this mother, I would have run away a long time ago, what happened to thinking on ones own, having her own identity, this mother is no better than a thief!

 

Time for Mommy Dearest to get her own LIFE!

 
April 3, 2008, 12:33 pm CDT

Poor Annie!

OMG! What is this mother thinking!! My mom was not a perfectionist; however, she was very controlling!

 

When I was a teenager I began rebelling tremendously! I got into drugs and alcohol and still remained on honor roll. I got pregnant at 17 and dropped out of high school. I'm not blaming my mom for my mistakes. I just wish she would have given me the chance to make my own mistakes when I was younger so I could learn from them. I never learned how to handle conflict and to this day I am terrified of failing.

 

I never feel like I am good enough for my mom. She gave me the impression that she was this really strong woman that was perfect in every way. I could NEVER live up to that! My mom and I have never had a good relationship and she still interferes in my life and I am 37 years old! Parents need to be parents, I agree, but children need to learn. They need to learn what THEY like and don't like. They need to be able to be an individual and learn what works for them and what doesn't. Unfortunately, I can honestly say, I never had they chance to figure out who "I" was. Now, at my age, I suffer from severe depression, I do not know who I am and have no idea how to figure it out now. I am a mother of 2, divorced and just a mess! I wonder every day how different my life would have been if my mother would have just backed off the slightest bit!!

 
April 3, 2008, 12:41 pm CDT

Sonya is sick, really

    This mom really is sick, and I think we are only seeing the tip pf the iceberg on this show. Dr. Phil nailed it when he said children like this go wild when they actually do get out of the grips of the controlling parent. Sonya is really out of control and I believe she is doing more harm than anything. It makes my stomach cringe when I watch her!!! I feel terrible for Annie and what she has missed out in her childhood.

 

   I had a wonderful yet not perfect childhood. I turned out just fine. My mom was right in the middle. Not too controlling not too easy going. I am 24 years old getting my masters. I am a teacher, very successful. I live with my boyfriend now in a two family home. Never ended up pregnant at 16. Never ended up in trouble, all because my mom taught me the right things and allowed (trusted) me to make the right choices.

 

   I feel terrible for Annie. I hope that she gets to at least enjoy college without her overbearing mom at her side. I hope Annie is okay when on her own in college. I know this will be difficult to her. Goodness am I nervous for her.

 
April 3, 2008, 12:45 pm CDT

Control versus train

I have worked in corrections for over 11 years.  A large number of students in the facilities came from families like this.  They got in trouble because they wanted to break loose from the control of a parent to become themselves and not puppets.  If these mom's need someone to control they should invest in some puppets and not destroy their child's life.
 
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