Topic : 08/01 Perfectionist Moms

I am watching Dr. Phil right now, and I am outraged at what I am seeing.  

First and foremost, the mother needs to realize there is NO such thing as pefect. It sickens me and breaks my heart that there are even parents out there who do this to their kids - weather you control your kid in a "nice" way, or a "mean" way, it's abusive and it's still controlling.  Does this mother even know her daughter? My guess is no.  In looking at this mother on the t.v. she looks so void of feeling and emotion. I think the mother needs serious help.  I hope it is not too late, either.

I have seen numerous kids who are raised with feeling the need to be perfect, weather it's perceived or real (such as this case).  I was one of those kids.  I, along with many other people, in an attempt to fufill unrealistic expecations in general, revolved in and out of treatment centers.  We starved ourselves, we binged and purged, we cut ourselves.  Some of us tried suicide, and I personally know some who succeded.  I know some who along the way died during their persuit for perfection, who purged one time too many, or who were so malnourished they couldn't even function let alone do anything that resembled living.  I would like to scream and shake this mother and say, hellooooo, stop, don't you see what you are doing?  There is absolutely nothing you can do to fill that void within you that you did not get.  Your daughter is perfect, as is ..  A's or C's, beauty queen or dork in the back of the class. 

Newsflash, it is your job as a parent to enrich your daughters life, not  place such unrealistic expectations on her that you are robbing her of her self esteem, and most importantly her identity.

My heart breaks for the mom, because I can't even imagine what she went through as a child to have turned to the complete opposite extreme.

My heart breaks for her daughter.  The daughter is obviously beautiful and full of life, but holding her vibrance back to please her mom.

Please Dr. Phil, I really hope that they get family therapy, this is such a toxic enmeshed and insane relationship, I would hate to see what happens if there is no intervention and this cycle repeats.

Growing up, my parents were like any other parents; very protective, or maybe felt that we couldn't do things as well as them.  They would tell us something to do, but then they were there doing it and fussing because it wasn't right or it wasn't done quickly enough.  And then there were the times, even as I got older, that my dad would lecture me before going somewhere or before doing something he felt might be dangerous in some way.  So, for instance, when I said, "I'm going to Greensboro tonight with some friends (which is about 30 minutes away with heavier traffic than our rural home area).  I would get the lecture of, "now you be careful, people drive crazy out there.....watch what you're doing, don't speak to strange people...etc. etc. etc."  Finally one day I looked at him and said, "Daddy, you're right!  After all, I'm only 30 years old, which is only 7 years older than you were when you arrived home from Vietnam and you and mom conceived me....and after all...you DID raise a bumbling idiot!"  After a few times of this, he learned to keep quiet and just let me go without the lecture.  But it was hard for me, since I was the oldest and wasn't allowed to do as much.  My dad was a volunteer firefighter and when I was old enough he didn't want me to follow in his footsteps, for all the obvious reasons.  But now, I'm a Vol. Firefighter of almost 20 years and he loves to hear me tell the stories like I always loved to hear his.  We can enjoy a good conversation about a trade that we both love dearly....and he realizes that he didn't raise a bumbling idiot after all!

WHEN MY CHILDREN WERE GROWING UP, I ALWAYS TOLD THEM TO ENJOY LIFE, DON'T BE AFRAID TO TRY NEW THINGS.  IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS - MAKE LEMONADE!

 I ALSO TOLD THEM THAT NO MATTER WHAT THEY DECIDED TO DO WHEN THEY GREW UP, DO THE BEST THEY COULD AT IT.  IF YOU WANT TO BE A DITCH DIGGER,  DIG THE BEST DITCH YOU CAN.  TODAY I AM VERY PROUD OF ALL OF MY CHILDREN.  ONE IS A PREACHER (I MAY NOT ALWAYS AGREE WITH HIM BUT HE IS GOOD), ONE TEACHES AT A CHRISTIAN SCHOOL (WILL NOT TEACH AT PUBLIC SCHOOLS BECAUSE PRAYER IS NOT ALLOWED) AND TAKES CARE OF FOSTER CHILDREN (IN THE PROCESS OF ADOPTING TWO OF THEM), ONE IS A COMPUTER SPECIALISTS (I REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW HE DOES THINGS).  THEY ARE ALL IN THEIR 30s AND SEEM TO BE VERY HAPPY IN THEIR LIVES.

I'm surprised she doesn't follow her and make sure she uses the bathroom perfectly, too.  She's so far up that poor girls rear end, she could probably observe first hand.