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Topic : 04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

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Created on : Friday, March 28, 2008, 02:31:41 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you tired of your kids talking back, being disobedient and acting up when they don’t get their way? Along with Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of Mending the Broken Bond, Dr. Phil has advice for calming a chaotic household. First up, Jennifer says her 12-year-old daughter, Sydney, is out of control, and Jennifer's marriage to Craig is suffering as a result. She says Sydney hangs out with the wrong crowd, lies constantly and is failing school. The teen was recently in hot water when she sent a topless photo from her cell phone to her boyfriend that was circulated around the school! Craig says he’s frustrated that Jennifer undermines his discipline, and he’s hurt that his stepdaughter doesn’t respect him. Can this family get back on track, or is it too late for Jennifer to save her marriage? Then, Diane and Clayton say their 17-year-old daughter, Logan, is rude, doesn’t do her chores and always breaks curfew. Logan wants her folks to get off her back because she’ll be 18 soon, and she wants to get her own place. Find out what happens when Dr. Lawlis makes a house call to bring some balance to the family. Is Logan ready to move out on her own, and will her folks be able to handle her independence? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

March 30, 2008, 7:07 am CDT

Threaten her divorcee mother that if she didn't get what she wants

Quote From: marianparoo

...would threaten her divorcee mother that if she didn't get her own TV, cell phone and goodness knows what else, she would take to the streets to earn money for those things.

 

Worked like a charm with the wimp.

Wow!  I was taught that money does not grow on trees.  I was taught that I had to earn things.  Just because I wanted a piece of candy in the grocery store, and mom said, "no".  NO meant NO.  Mom did not care if I threw the biggest tantrum.  All mom had to do was to say NO and give me the look. 

 

I was wondering if this started when your daughter was younger, wanting things that she could not have.  And you gave in because buying material things would make her happy, made you happy and just to have a quiet child?  Even if your life was a mess? 

 

I remember as young as seven years old.  I had my first allowance.  My mother took the time to help me make a chart.  Explaining to me tha value of money.  Do you do this?  I was seven!!  I had to save a dollar, I had a dollar to put in the offerring at church, I had a dollar each day for lunch money ($5.00) , I dollar for Girl Scouts, and I had a dollar to spend on what ever I wanted.  Now that  was about $9.00.  If I wanted a toy or candy.  I'd ask, "Mom can I have this?"  Mom would respond, "Do you have enough for your allowance?"  I f I did not have enough money from my allowance, I was encouraged to save.  Or neogiate with my mother/father.  "I will borrow $1.00 from you and I will pay you back, Or I need to save $2.00, so I can purchase this next time.  I would plead and beg, like ALL children do.  The main thing, mom held her foot down and NO meant NO!

 

I would leave with my parents whimpering, sulking, etc.  Until my mother told me to stop it. 

 

As I grew older, my alllowance increased.  My the age of 12,  I was doing small chores around the house to earn money.  Such as extra load of laundry, baby sitting, paper route, recycling, etc.  I also learned that we work for money.  (Example, people earn a living by becoming a doctor and receive a check.) 

 

We learned that we have work to do to help the community.  The community consisted of the household.  Chores had to be done such as keeping our rooms clean, laundry, cooking dinner, grocery shopping, taking care of our pets, helping in the community such as working in a soup kitchen, a nurserying home.  This is work that is done and we do not get a pay check, we do this out of personal satisifaction.

 

As I grew older age of sixteen, mom said, "No more allowance, You can find a part time job after school."  Since then I have been working and realized if I wanted clothes, CD's, videos, go to the movies, etc.  This came out of my pay check.  When I was home for college.  I paid rent, paid for part of the groceries and some of the bills. 

 

I did not own my first car, until I was married at the age of 22, had to pay for my car insurance, rent, bills, etc.  Just being married, we've saved our money.  Ten years later, we bought our first home. 

 

I've kept an accounting record.  Today, I keep track on how much money I spend, what I've spent it on and how much I save.  I vaulable lesson that my mother and father took the time to teach me.  I wish that more parents  do this.  Children grow up expecting this and that.  Just because their peers have the latest pair of jeans, does not mean I had them.  Unless I was willing to buy them with my allowance money. 

 

I do not think it is too late for you to set the rules to your daughter about money.   YES she would be unhappy, get angry, hate you, etc.  But come on, who is the parent?  Is she working part time, helping you make ends meet?  I'm sure you are a one income family.  Are there other children in the house?  Is it fair to them?  Do they expect the same? 

 

Children who grow up learning the value of money are more appreciative of the material things that they have and they take better care of it. 

 
March 30, 2008, 2:04 pm CDT

Parenting

 I watch you as often as I can and have heard all about these unruly teenagers.  Well I have an 1 year old daughter and always thought she was unruly until finally someone listened to me and she has Social Anxiety Depression Disorder.  I am looking for other prents who are going through this because it's hell.
 
March 30, 2008, 8:31 pm CDT

04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Quote From: no34evr

Hi, well I've sent 2 emails about this subject.  About a friend of mine having a terrible time with her 15 yo son.  He will be going to court on 1st of APril and will most likely go to juvenile detention this time.  He has been busted for pot and pipes, carrying a concealed weapon, tampering with a concealed weapon, taking a knife to school (suspended for 10 days), throwing glass bottles and breaking them behind the local Target, running away around 3 times and more.  I send the first email to Dr. Phil about 2 -3 months ago asking for help for the boy and his mother and I've received nothing back.  I sent another email about a month later reminding him of the situation and how it had gotten worse.  He's had 2 pretrial hearings and the one on the 1st of April is from the 1st pretrial. 

 

So, good luck getting anything back from Dr. Phil, maybe you will be the lucky one and get some help.

 

Cathy Jones

Have you tried any other resources besides a TV show? Anyone try to get him into therapy with someone who ISN'T famous?
 
March 31, 2008, 11:46 am CDT

REPLY TO ALL MESSAGES

Quote From: jennyhalfpint2

Wow! I was taught that money does not grow on trees. I was taught that I had to earn things. Just because I wanted a piece of candy in the grocery store, and mom said, 'no'. NO meant NO. Mom did not care if I threw the biggest tantrum. All mom had to do was to say NO and give me the look.

I was wondering if this started when your daughter was younger, wanting things that she could not have. And you gave in because buying material things would make her happy, made you happy and just to have a quiet child? Even if your life was a mess?

I remember as young as seven years old. I had my first allowance. My mother took the time to help me make a chart. Explaining to me tha value of money. Do you do this? I was seven!! I had to save a dollar, I had a dollar to put in the offerring at church, I had a dollar each day for lunch money ($5.00) , I dollar for Girl Scouts, and I had a dollar to spend on what ever I wanted. Now that was about $9.00. If I wanted a toy or candy. I'd ask, 'Mom can I have this?' Mom would respond, 'Do you have enough for your allowance?' I f I did not have enough money from my allowance, I was encouraged to save. Or neogiate with my mother/father. 'I will borrow $1.00 from you and I will pay you back, Or I need to save $2.00, so I can purchase this next time. I would plead and beg, like ALL children do. The main thing, mom held her foot down and NO meant NO!

I would leave with my parents whimpering, sulking, etc. Until my mother told me to stop it.

As I grew older, my alllowance increased. My the age of 12, I was doing small chores around the house to earn money. Such as extra load of laundry, baby sitting, paper route, recycling, etc. I also learned that we work for money. (Example, people earn a living by becoming a doctor and receive a check.)

We learned that we have work to do to help the community. The community consisted of the household. Chores had to be done such as keeping our rooms clean, laundry, cooking dinner, grocery shopping, taking care of our pets, helping in the community such as working ina soup kitchen, a nurserying home. This is work that is done and we do not get a pay check, we do this out of personal satisifaction.

As I grew older age of sixteen, mom said, 'No more allowance, You can find a part time job after school.' Since then I have been working and realized if I wanted clothes, CD's, videos, go to the movies, etc. This came out of my pay check. When I was home for college. I paid rent, paid for part of the groceries and some of the bills.

I did not own my first car, until I was married at the age of 22, had to pay for mycar insurance, rent, bills, etc. Just being married, we've saved our money. Ten years later, we bought our first home.

I've kept an accounting record. Today, I keep track on how much money I spend, what I've spent it on and how much I save. I vaulable lesson that my mother and father took the time to teach me. I wish that more parents do this. Children grow up expecting this and that. Just because their peers have the latest pair of jeans, does not mean I had them. Unless I was willing to buy them with my allowance money.

I do not think it is too late for you to set the rules to your daughter about money. YES she would be unhappy, get angry, hate you, etc. But come on, who is the parent? Is she working part time, helping you make ends meet? I'm sure you are a one income family. Are there other children in the house? Is it fair to them? Do they expect the same?

Children who grow up learning the value of money are more appreciative of the material things that they have and they take better care of it.

IN MY OPINION .................I THINK IT IS THE DEPARTMENT OF HUMAN SERVICES ( CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES) THAT IS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS THAT PARENTS NOWADAYS ARE HAVING WITH THEIR CHILDREN!!!!! CHILDREN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE DISCIPLINED AND THEY CAN RUN AND YELL 'CHILD ABUSE' AND SOCIAL SERVICES IS RIGHT DOWN AT YOUR DOOR REMOVING YOUR CHILD AND PUTTING THEM IN FOSTER CARE AND THEN FROM THERE THEY ARE PASSED AROUND AND EMOTIONALLY MESSED UP MORE!!  LIKE I SAID.......MY OPINION, BUT I JUST BET THERE ARE MANY MANY MORE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD THAT BELIEVE THE SAME WAY I DO!! 

WE HAVE AN EPIDEMIC OF UNRULY MESSED UP KIDS AND THEY ARE GROWING UP TO MESS UP OUR COUNTRY! JUST LOOK AROUND AND SEE WHAT IS GOING  ON!! OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE.........  THEY ALSO ABUSE THEIR POWER TOO!!!   STOP  DHS FROM HAVING SO MUCH DAMN POWER!!!  

 

 

JOYCE IN MINNESOTA

 
March 31, 2008, 12:30 pm CDT

Whoa!!!!!! This isn't my daughter, this is a friend's daughter!!!!

Quote From: jennyhalfpint2

Wow!  I was taught that money does not grow on trees.  I was taught that I had to earn things.  Just because I wanted a piece of candy in the grocery store, and mom said, "no".  NO meant NO.  Mom did not care if I threw the biggest tantrum.  All mom had to do was to say NO and give me the look. 

 

I was wondering if this started when your daughter was younger, wanting things that she could not have.  And you gave in because buying material things would make her happy, made you happy and just to have a quiet child?  Even if your life was a mess? 

 

I remember as young as seven years old.  I had my first allowance.  My mother took the time to help me make a chart.  Explaining to me tha value of money.  Do you do this?  I was seven!!  I had to save a dollar, I had a dollar to put in the offerring at church, I had a dollar each day for lunch money ($5.00) , I dollar for Girl Scouts, and I had a dollar to spend on what ever I wanted.  Now that  was about $9.00.  If I wanted a toy or candy.  I'd ask, "Mom can I have this?"  Mom would respond, "Do you have enough for your allowance?"  I f I did not have enough money from my allowance, I was encouraged to save.  Or neogiate with my mother/father.  "I will borrow $1.00 from you and I will pay you back, Or I need to save $2.00, so I can purchase this next time.  I would plead and beg, like ALL children do.  The main thing, mom held her foot down and NO meant NO!

 

I would leave with my parents whimpering, sulking, etc.  Until my mother told me to stop it. 

 

As I grew older, my alllowance increased.  My the age of 12,  I was doing small chores around the house to earn money.  Such as extra load of laundry, baby sitting, paper route, recycling, etc.  I also learned that we work for money.  (Example, people earn a living by becoming a doctor and receive a check.) 

 

We learned that we have work to do to help the community.  The community consisted of the household.  Chores had to be done such as keeping our rooms clean, laundry, cooking dinner, grocery shopping, taking care of our pets, helping in the community such as working in a soup kitchen, a nurserying home.  This is work that is done and we do not get a pay check, we do this out of personal satisifaction.

 

As I grew older age of sixteen, mom said, "No more allowance, You can find a part time job after school."  Since then I have been working and realized if I wanted clothes, CD's, videos, go to the movies, etc.  This came out of my pay check.  When I was home for college.  I paid rent, paid for part of the groceries and some of the bills. 

 

I did not own my first car, until I was married at the age of 22, had to pay for my car insurance, rent, bills, etc.  Just being married, we've saved our money.  Ten years later, we bought our first home. 

 

I've kept an accounting record.  Today, I keep track on how much money I spend, what I've spent it on and how much I save.  I vaulable lesson that my mother and father took the time to teach me.  I wish that more parents  do this.  Children grow up expecting this and that.  Just because their peers have the latest pair of jeans, does not mean I had them.  Unless I was willing to buy them with my allowance money. 

 

I do not think it is too late for you to set the rules to your daughter about money.   YES she would be unhappy, get angry, hate you, etc.  But come on, who is the parent?  Is she working part time, helping you make ends meet?  I'm sure you are a one income family.  Are there other children in the house?  Is it fair to them?  Do they expect the same? 

 

Children who grow up learning the value of money are more appreciative of the material things that they have and they take better care of it. 

I'm single without kids. I was strictly raised with limitations! And no was no, and I never would have backtalked my mom like that.

 

I think my friends daughter is like this for two reasons. 1) She saw how everyone pushed her mother around -- not just her father, the ex, but her mother's own family who really exploited her something awful.

 

Also 2) Mom felt being a good parent meant saying yes all the time.

 

To repeat THIS ISN'T ME AND NOT MY CHILD!!!!!!!!!!

 
March 31, 2008, 3:20 pm CDT

04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Quote From: enyadreams

IN MY OPINION .................I THINK IT IS THE DEPARTMENT OF HUMAN SERVICES ( CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES) THAT IS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS THAT PARENTS NOWADAYS ARE HAVING WITH THEIR CHILDREN!!!!! CHILDREN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE DISCIPLINED AND THEY CAN RUN AND YELL 'CHILD ABUSE' AND SOCIAL SERVICES IS RIGHT DOWN AT YOUR DOOR REMOVING YOUR CHILD AND PUTTING THEM IN FOSTER CARE AND THEN FROM THERE THEY ARE PASSED AROUND AND EMOTIONALLY MESSED UP MORE!!  LIKE I SAID.......MY OPINION, BUT I JUST BET THERE ARE MANY MANY MORE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD THAT BELIEVE THE SAME WAY I DO!! 

WE HAVE AN EPIDEMIC OF UNRULY MESSED UP KIDS AND THEY ARE GROWING UP TO MESS UP OUR COUNTRY! JUST LOOK AROUND AND SEE WHAT IS GOING  ON!! OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE.........  THEY ALSO ABUSE THEIR POWER TOO!!!   STOP  DHS FROM HAVING SO MUCH DAMN POWER!!!  

 

 

JOYCE IN MINNESOTA

You're right, we should have the right to abuse our kids with out the government getting involved...after all kids are possessions right?

And what "epidemic of unruly messed up kids" are you referring to? Where are you getting this idea? Watching Nancy Grace too much or something? Seriously, kids 'these days' are no more messed up than the kids in the 'good ol' days'...we just love to hear all the bad stuff, we focus on it and it can seem like that is all there is. In reality, kids are kids are kids, in the 50's and in the 00's.
 
March 31, 2008, 8:10 pm CDT

messed up kids

Quote From: rainpainrain

You're right, we should have the right to abuse our kids with out the government getting involved...after all kids are possessions right?

And what "epidemic of unruly messed up kids" are you referring to? Where are you getting this idea? Watching Nancy Grace too much or something? Seriously, kids 'these days' are no more messed up than the kids in the 'good ol' days'...we just love to hear all the bad stuff, we focus on it and it can seem like that is all there is. In reality, kids are kids are kids, in the 50's and in the 00's.

I wasn't saying kids are possessions or that we should abuse them!!! They should be disciplined PROPERLY but WITHOUT the state being allowed to butt in  just anytime without throughly investigating the situation and making sure they are doing their job without trying to give all our children ways out of listening to their parents authority .Get it strait ..............I don't even know who the hell Nancy Grace is.  I only know who DR PHIL is and what he says on disciplining children!!!!

Joyce in MN

 
April 1, 2008, 7:19 am CDT

STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS - CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a psychological disorder characterized by pervasive instability in self-image, behavior, moods, and interpersonal relationships.  This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. 

 

While less known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2% of adults (1-33), mostly females.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight are:

 

 

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss AND Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland OR Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen OR Stop Walking on Eggshells:  Taking Your Life Back...by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger  

 

Treating Personality Disorders in Children and Adolescents:  A Relational Approach by Efrain Bleiberg OR Without Conscience:  The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Robert Hare

 

What Parents Need to Know About Sibling Abuse:  Breaking the Cycle of Violence by Vernon Wiehe OR Understanding Family Violence:  Treating and Preventing Partner, Child, Sibling and Elder Abuse by Vernon Wiehe  

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm 

 

Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

 

 

Some of the story is typical:  feelings of insecurity contributing to destructive behaviors such as promiscuity, manipulations, self-abuse, rage attacks, revenge, addictions, and eating disorders.  The extreme behaviors of BPD constitute the high drama in the stories of those who endure its ravages.

 

Hope it helps!

 

 
April 1, 2008, 11:04 am CDT

04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Quote From: grammamare

I truly have empathy for the parents of some teenagers today.  I have a 16 yr old niece and 17 yr old nephew who are truly out of control.  Their mother is single working trying to support them without monetary support from their so called absent father.  The kids are failing in school and don't care.  They have been suspended from school several times and from riding the bus. The oldest, the 17 almost 18 yr old was expelled and sent to alternate school for trying to  sell his ADHD medication in school several times.  They yell at their teachers, bus drivers, and especially disheartening cuss and yell at their Mother. I suggested to the mother to call the police on the daughter as she runs away on a whim and comes home whenever. She states that this is what the kids want. /they brag about how and who they sleep with, being picked up by the police, etc.  They get disciplined only to  have the mother back down because the kids harass and manipulate her  so bad she lets them slide just to get them out of her hair.  They are of the "ME" generation who only care about themselves, and yet they say their life sucks.  They are unhappy with everything and everybody around them.  They  are lazy, thoughtless, rude, and it's a shame that I can't think of anything positive to say about them. 
We have tried several times and ways to help them come up in this world, but to no avail.  They say everyone are losers, but when in fact I want to tell them to look in the mirror.  I have lost all respect for them, it's sad to say, but how can you help someone who's not willing to help themselves.  I could go on and on about them, but you get the gist of the situation, and their mother says all kids are like that today. I in my own heart don't believe that, does anyone else believe that?

I am a single parent of 4. One just graduated from High School and one on his way. I have to say this is not the easiest task in the world. But it is most rewarding. Facts are what they are and there is no sence in dwelling in it. I made up my mind straight from the get go that my kids are not going to be worn down emotionally or mentally from their fathers decision. My pain was excrusiating and when I looked at my kids, the poor things I knew I had to get everyone on the same page. This decision was implemented by my family and his family as well...infact if you didn't have anything encouraging (positive)or nice to say about their father or the situation I will tell you personall to not talk to my kids until...Over 4 years has passed and I am not going to say it was a walk in the park, it wasn't. My eldest 2 got into some mischiefs but I was there. Adults can't get angry at children for getting into mischiefs because the processing is different with each little mind. We have to be patient and repeat things 30 thousand times, they will get it. Respecting our kids gos along ways as well....I've done alot of praying and research on my  part so that I can help my kids overcome this great challange in their life. Ofcourse I don't have all the answers but I tell you what, my kids and I sure are content with our lives right now........

 

 
April 1, 2008, 12:50 pm CDT

In reply to Mr/MS

Quote From: rainpainrain

You're right, we should have the right to abuse our kids with out the government getting involved...after all kids are possessions right?

And what 'epidemic of unruly messed up kids' are you referring to? Where are you getting this idea? Watching Nancy Grace too much or something? Seriously, kids 'these days' are no more messed up than the kids in the 'good ol' days'...we just love to hear all the bad stuff, we focus on it and it can seem like that is all there is. In reality, kids are kids are kids, in the 50's and in the 00's.

I have been on the inside and the outside of DHS , been a foster parent and  had my own day care business for many years. Also worked in the school system and been a volunteer at  a headstart program. I have been on a commitee meeting as a Secretary for Council on Children  just to name a few. I grew up in a family of eleven children with my father being a truck driver and my mom being a stay-at-home single parent so to speak. I started babysitting when I was 10 yrs old and at the age of 15 yrs I was babysitting for 5 children 6 nights a week for over a year and a half and then I continued babysitting all through high school buying my own clothes and everything I needed. I have taken care of children and been involved with them  ever since I can remember always caring for their needs and being a protector. I know what I am talking about as far as the first comments I made! DO YOUR RESEARCH! You will be totally surprised at what you find if you look into things like I did and especially if you have been on the inside and have seen and heard all I have and have been made bitter by it knowing that alot of the social workers don't do their jobs properly and are there to get paychecks and for the glory. AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS DOING ABOUT IT AND WE ARE PAYING FOR THEM TO CONTINUE USING OUR TAX DOLLARS! I posted a link you could all go to to read a very good article but it must have been taken off my comment .

AS FAR AS KIDS NOT BEING MESSED UP ANY MORE TODAY THAN THEY WERE IN THE 50'S OR 60'S I SAY BULLTO THAT AND YOU KNOW IT TOO!!!!  

 
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