Topic : 04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Parents are people, and we all make mistakes.  I am horrified by some of the physical punishment posters have described recieving these beatings in the name of disclipline.  To me, it was criminal...they were not "spankings", they were battery...a big difference.

I made a lot of mistakes raising my oldest daughter...First off, I was too young to be a mother.  My rules were simple..go to school, be polite, don't hit anyone...and then, during the teen years, don't drink or use drugs and make sure you go to college.  I never demanded she do chores...that was my job.  Never restricted her material desires, I loved her....When two more finally were born, I promised she would never be my "built in baby sitter"..I kept my word.  She was given trips, cars and if she was happy, I was happy.  The younger ones, I treated the same...but now, in hindsight, I was more of a sister than a parent.  I had to tell the oldest something horrible when she was 27...and when I could not support her in her disbelief, she turned on me like I couldn't believe...more like she was the parent..or that we were equals and she could "F" me off like a bad friend.  I believe that I created this monster by being too understanding and too passive.

While I do not "take this out" on the younger two, who are now 18 and 20...(she is 35 and we have not spoken in 8 years...her desire, not mine)...I did realize that I had to get the "pecking" order straight.  I do voice more of my opinions to the younger ones, I do expect more...I won't give less, it wasn't their fault, but I am not afraid to speak my mind, and state the value of my experiences in life to them.  I'm no longer afraid to say "NO" out of fear of teen drinking, drugging, suicide or all of the other fears I carried with the first...I read too much, feared too much and really, was not enough of an authoritarian. 

Just to let all of the parents of young children know, keep yourself in balance...and maintain some authority.  I paid a big price, and I learned the hard way....too much can be oppressive, but too little can undermine you in such a way that a day may come when you need that parental credibility, and you just won't have it.  My mistakes were made out of love, and trying to do my best..  The first stand-off we ever had cost me a daughter....just keep that in mind.

 

Yes, I did try, and I thank you for being so kind.  I cannot say I was blame free.  Had the news of this come from MY mother, it would have had more impact...in my opinion.  She had never seen me like that, and I never told her she was outright wrong before..I'd suck it up in the name of peace...and thank God she didn't drink, didn't do drugs, screw around or mess up school...which she didn't.  Maybe I should have set the bar higher in my home...or set the tone with a bit more authority...well, again, thanks for the positive thoughts...I meant well. Just thought I'd pass it along for others to read.  I think I was "imbalanced", scales tipped in her favor.  Well, at least she saw I have a temper...I went from Mia Farrow to Mommie Dearest in a New York minute.  Trying to think...what DIDN'T I call him? 

I have not heard from you since the tornadoes.   Are you okay?

Yeah, sorry about that. I'm fine. I just can't find anything good to chat about lol. Nobodies talking about anything that I have enough knowledge of to debate!

Glad to hear you are safe, sound and avoiding argument. lol!! 

When I saw the rude, disrespectful and downright nasty behavior of Logan on this show, I was so very reminded of my daughter.  My girl, S, is so rude and  spiteful toward me in particular that it is downright shocking.  She's afraid of her father.  If she dared to speak to him in the same offensive way that she talks to me, she'd probably  be slapped into next Tuesday.  She knows this, and so he hardly ever hears her nasty talk.

I have not "been allowed" to be a parent since S was about 14 years old.  She is now 17 going on 18 and constantly threatens to move out even though she is only a junior in high school.

According to S, I should stand in a corner, say nothing and do nothing except keep my pocketbook open so she can raid it.  According to her, the sound of my voice is irritating and so I should not speak at all.   She fights me constantly over every little thing.  If I ask her to wash dishes, she sounds off.  If I ask her if she has done her homework, I am cursed out with language that would make a sailor blush.  For example, her room is worse than the Augean Stables.  She figure skates, and expensive skating dresses and other clothing is simply cast onto the floor and trampled on.  Dirty laundry inhabits one side of the room and used sanitary pads and other trash inhabits the other.  Her bed is only changed maybe once every two months.  CDs, sheet music, school papers and guitars are strewn on top of the mess.  All of the furniture is covered with a liberal coating of dust and dirt.  The room smells horrible.  I worry about bugs getting into the garbage in there, but every time I ask her to clean it up, I am cursed out.  And. . NO!  I am NOT ALLOWED to go in there and clean any of the mess up.  IF I TOUCH ANYTHING IN THERE, I am guaranteed a three-hour rant at an off-the-richter decible scale, complete with liberal use of the F word and the C word. 

Curfew?  What curfew?  S thinks that she should be allowed to stay out until 3 am ON SCHOOL NIGHTS.
Anything else is a denial of her freedom.

Since she recently learned to drive, and I am now sharing my vehicle with her (her father WILL NOT ALLOW HER TO DRIVE HIS CAR AT ALL), I am called a "Stupid FAT C***" if I tell her that  I need the car to run errands.  If I offer to drive her to where she needs to be,  I get the most  vile and offensive cursing out.
S seems to be ruled by anger and rage.  She takes offense at everything I say and everything I do, and has absolutely no respect for me as her mother.  I am public enemy number one, even though I am the one who has been the sole support of her life for seventeen years (her father PAYS NOTHING to support her--he won't even pay for food or clothing.  On the other hand, I pay for everything, going into debt for  expensive international travel and ice skating, and I'M THE SCUMBAG!). 

Interestingly enough, she sees a counselor, but I see no change at all in her behavior and the rage and malicious behavior is worse.

I can honestly tell you that if I had dared to treat my mother this way, I'd be pushing up daisies.  I am not a violent person, fortunately for S.  Or maybe she is taking advantage of my passivity to treat me like a doormat. 

After seeing Logan, I am wondering whether or not this is some weird phenomenon of our modern times--namely, the Mean Girl Out Of Control?  The youth media does seem to glorify the "nasty know-it-all teen" on TV and in Hollywood.  It seems that other parents are having the same problem that I am.  I am wondering if there are any resources for us PARENTS who have to deal with these harpy-like daughters?

I, like you, am passive by nature.  Lucky for me, my kids are the same, except for the oldest who flipped me off when I forgot I must say "YES" in 12 different languages to please her...this one time, I could not.

Had I spoken to my mother the way so many kids are doing, I'd be in the plot next to you...as would all of my friends who were raised in the 1970's.  Today, the kids call you an abuser...they can call up to report you...in my opinion, the CPS was instituted for a good reason.  Children who ARE abused, neglected, starved, tortured, and really need it.

I made a comment on the board TEENS AND SEX WITH THE BISHOP.  It was that I think I'd slap my child across the face if one EVER threatened to report me for an abuse that was false.  A poster responded that I'd be taken to jail, because the slap would give credibility to the false report...just give the kid the phone, let them call, and the "system" will handle it.  My idea of a slap was referred to as "insane"...you ought to read the board....it is reflective of this new parenting. 

My two younger ones are now 18 and 20...so I'm free of big brother.  Never had to face it, but nice to know, I'm out of the woods.

You may try a "tough love" group, if there is one nearby.  Your daughter is abusing you.  Sorry to say, it's become more common today when the kids have these rights, parents have been over-ridden by the government, and it's all going straight to hell.

It isn't working.  Nobody seems to want to admit to it, but just look at what is going on...WE must "parent"..and no matter what they do, it is OUR fault.  When I was growing up, it was not my mother's fault if I screwed up...it was mine...and because of it, I was not a screw up.

I'm happy she sees a councellor.  Sometimes, it DOES get worse before it gets better.  Another thought...would her councellor agree to a family session?  If so, try it.  If not, try to get a good one for yourself. 

I must say that both my kids are non-violent, thank God, but my son (very dry sense of humor)  told me if things do not change in the parents' favor, not to count on a grandchild from him.  My daughter who is a gentle lamb...was watching SUPER NANNY one night.  She told me, "Mom, you like dogs...I'll bring you my dogs when I get married, cause I'm NOT doing that".  I don't foresee grandchildren in my future, and I cannot say that I blame my kids...remember, they are part of this generation, they went to school with them...they could not believe what went on.

My opinion, when CPS was instituted for all the right reasons, it went to far.  Now every teacher, parent or authority is an "abuser". Verbal, emotional, physical...everybody is crying "abuse".

When you see pictures and hear cases of real abuse, you want to cry...maybe these kids should be shown what abuse really is...be forced to view the horrors, but I suppose that would be another form of "abuse".  However, in 5th grade, they are shown the Holocost and by 7th grade, are shown the movie ROOTS.(I got nightmares from that one and I was 20 when I saw it).  But THAT'S politically correct, not emotionally abusive. 

We are heading so into Communism, it isn't funny.  Castrated parents are not funny.  Abuse is too serious to have become the new "buzz phrase", yet it has.  Lot of good it did...decent people have no rights, and in New York, children are turning up dead, every damn time you read the paper...no lie...every single day it is in the paper...another baby, or child is beaten to death.  Yet, I'm told by a poster, if I slapped my rotten kid(IF that were the case, it is not)  I'd go to jail.

Get into therapy for you...you are the one that's abused.  Your goodness has gone too far, and you are going to need some help to get yourself straight.  Try tough love...maybe talk to your daughter's councellor.

I really wish you well, and hope you can find support.