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Topic : 04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Number of Replies: 276
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Created on : Friday, March 28, 2008, 02:31:41 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you tired of your kids talking back, being disobedient and acting up when they don’t get their way? Along with Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of Mending the Broken Bond, Dr. Phil has advice for calming a chaotic household. First up, Jennifer says her 12-year-old daughter, Sydney, is out of control, and Jennifer's marriage to Craig is suffering as a result. She says Sydney hangs out with the wrong crowd, lies constantly and is failing school. The teen was recently in hot water when she sent a topless photo from her cell phone to her boyfriend that was circulated around the school! Craig says he’s frustrated that Jennifer undermines his discipline, and he’s hurt that his stepdaughter doesn’t respect him. Can this family get back on track, or is it too late for Jennifer to save her marriage? Then, Diane and Clayton say their 17-year-old daughter, Logan, is rude, doesn’t do her chores and always breaks curfew. Logan wants her folks to get off her back because she’ll be 18 soon, and she wants to get her own place. Find out what happens when Dr. Lawlis makes a house call to bring some balance to the family. Is Logan ready to move out on her own, and will her folks be able to handle her independence? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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April 3, 2008, 7:21 am CDT

No worries....

Quote From: enyadreams

REMEMBER......................WE CAN'T DISCIPLINE OUR CHILDREN AT HOME!!!! THEY WILL YELL  CHILD ABUSE AND CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES WILL BE AT YOUR DOOR IMMEDIATELY TO REMOVE THEM AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER!!!!

 

We shouldn't be afraid of our kids!  If we don't discipline them SOME way, they'll end up in prison as adults.  I'm not afraid, if my kids cry wolf to CPS, and they DO take them away.  I'd let them go- then when the kid realizes that foster care is worse than living with me and wants to come back, I'll fight CPS until I'm blue in the face!  Maybe it's good for that child to understand the consequences of lying or crying wolf and that these accusations are serious.  Why do we give our kids that much power?  I'm not afraid of them, they'll be better for me grounding them or taking away the TV and taking a leadership role than they will for me to cower in the corner while they run wild.  Just my opinion.

 
April 3, 2008, 8:30 am CDT

I bust my kids butts....

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

We shouldn't be afraid of our kids!  If we don't discipline them SOME way, they'll end up in prison as adults.  I'm not afraid, if my kids cry wolf to CPS, and they DO take them away.  I'd let them go- then when the kid realizes that foster care is worse than living with me and wants to come back, I'll fight CPS until I'm blue in the face!  Maybe it's good for that child to understand the consequences of lying or crying wolf and that these accusations are serious.  Why do we give our kids that much power?  I'm not afraid of them, they'll be better for me grounding them or taking away the TV and taking a leadership role than they will for me to cower in the corner while they run wild.  Just my opinion.

I have 3 beautiful children, ages 11,13, & 15. They are all doing very well in school. They are all virgins and trust me, that's not ignorant mom speaking, I know they are. None of them drink, none of them do drugs. They even ask permission before they cuss! They all love me with everything they have in them.  They even still call for me to come kiss them and tuck them in every single night before they go to bed. Ok, really, I'm not bragging, this is why I think they are like this:

1. I am not afraid to bust their butts. Throughout their entire lives, the only time they've ever gotten a spanking was if they were in danger of hurting themselves or someone else. I would rather bust their butts for running out in a parking lot than have them hit by a car.

2. Any time they are in trouble for anything else, I discipline them in various ways. I will ground them, make them write an apology letter to whoever they offended, tie them together until they say 10 things nice about the other person or I make them write sentences. Time out NEVER worked for them.

3. If they lie, they get the soap. My children do not lie. Everybody who knows my children crack up because they will tell on themselves for doing something wrong that I would have never found out about. They could be in California with their dad and I'm in Oklahoma and they will call me to tell on themselves. They will still get in trouble for doing wrong but it's not the degree of trouble they get in for lying.

4. I have NEVER lied to my children. They ask about sex, I give them the straight up facts. They asked about condoms, I went and got one from my husbands drawer and showed them how to use one. My belief is, they're going to find out anyway and if they come to me first and I lie, the trust will be broken and they won't believe anything I say anymore and will have no reason to come to me.

5. There is a rule in my home. They know that I want them to wait for marriage to become sexually active, however I became sexually active at age 11 and had my first child at age 15, all three by 19. I'm not stupid. So we have an agreement that if they feel it's getting to that point in a relationship (especially with two of them being boys), they can come to me, they will not get in trouble, I will not judge them, I will simply give them the proper information they need to do make sure they do it safely.

6. If my kids were to ever get caught ditching school, I would go to school with them the next day in my pajamas and bunny slippers with curlers in my hair and spend the entire day with them like that. It hasn't happened but they know I'm just crazy enough to do it.

7. Finally, I use my life experiences. I don't say DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO. I tell them, look, I had sex when I was your age, I had 3 kids before I was 19. Though I don't regret having my children, I wish I had waited longer. My husband is a felon. He's cleaned his life up but before I met him, he did drugs, he sold drugs, he went to jail for 4 months. His life is forever changed because 1 time he was caught with drugs. I've known alot of people who did drugs. The children have also known of these people and when the drugs come up to bite them in the butt, I make sure my children know why they are in that position.

 

It all comes down to having good communication with your children. If you treat them with respect, they will do the same. But respecting them also means a good spanking when it's called for. I've had DHS at my door for two reasons, the first was for spanking, they decided I did nothing wrong, the second was for the soap in the mouths, they also told me that was fine as long as I wasn't pouring a whole big ol' bottle of dishsoap down their throats. If you don't spank your kids at every turn, they can't call it abuse. My plan may not work for everybody but I hope it helps somebody.

 
April 3, 2008, 10:57 am CDT

Agreeing with you

Quote From: peterspumpkin

I have 3 beautiful children, ages 11,13, & 15. They are all doing very well in school. They are all virgins and trust me, that's not ignorant mom speaking, I know they are. None of them drink, none of them do drugs. They even ask permission before they cuss! They all love me with everything they have in them.  They even still call for me to come kiss them and tuck them in every single night before they go to bed. Ok, really, I'm not bragging, this is why I think they are like this:

1. I am not afraid to bust their butts. Throughout their entire lives, the only time they've ever gotten a spanking was if they were in danger of hurting themselves or someone else. I would rather bust their butts for running out in a parking lot than have them hit by a car.

2. Any time they are in trouble for anything else, I discipline them in various ways. I will ground them, make them write an apology letter to whoever they offended, tie them together until they say 10 things nice about the other person or I make them write sentences. Time out NEVER worked for them.

3. If they lie, they get the soap. My children do not lie. Everybody who knows my children crack up because they will tell on themselves for doing something wrong that I would have never found out about. They could be in California with their dad and I'm in Oklahoma and they will call me to tell on themselves. They will still get in trouble for doing wrong but it's not the degree of trouble they get in for lying.

4. I have NEVER lied to my children. They ask about sex, I give them the straight up facts. They asked about condoms, I went and got one from my husbands drawer and showed them how to use one. My belief is, they're going to find out anyway and if they come to me first and I lie, the trust will be broken and they won't believe anything I say anymore and will have no reason to come to me.

5. There is a rule in my home. They know that I want them to wait for marriage to become sexually active, however I became sexually active at age 11 and had my first child at age 15, all three by 19. I'm not stupid. So we have an agreement that if they feel it's getting to that point in a relationship (especially with two of them being boys), they can come to me, they will not get in trouble, I will not judge them, I will simply give them the proper information they need to do make sure they do it safely.

6. If my kids were to ever get caught ditching school, I would go to school with them the next day in my pajamas and bunny slippers with curlers in my hair and spend the entire day with them like that. It hasn't happened but they know I'm just crazy enough to do it.

7. Finally, I use my life experiences. I don't say DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO. I tell them, look, I had sex when I was your age, I had 3 kids before I was 19. Though I don't regret having my children, I wish I had waited longer. My husband is a felon. He's cleaned his life up but before I met him, he did drugs, he sold drugs, he went to jail for 4 months. His life is forever changed because 1 time he was caught with drugs. I've known alot of people who did drugs. The children have also known of these people and when the drugs come up to bite them in the butt, I make sure my children know why they are in that position.

 

It all comes down to having good communication with your children. If you treat them with respect, they will do the same. But respecting them also means a good spanking when it's called for. I've had DHS at my door for two reasons, the first was for spanking, they decided I did nothing wrong, the second was for the soap in the mouths, they also told me that was fine as long as I wasn't pouring a whole big ol' bottle of dishsoap down their throats. If you don't spank your kids at every turn, they can't call it abuse. My plan may not work for everybody but I hope it helps somebody.

I am glad to see that someone like me is not afraid to bust butts when it comes to disaplining thier kids. I have 1 daughter who is 11 and a half years old. I have pretty much done everything that you have mentioned that you do with your kids. I also noticed some creative things to do too. I think that good parenting makes for kids growing up to be good adults.
 
April 3, 2008, 11:02 am CDT

Age limits?

Quote From: peterspumpkin

I have 3 beautiful children, ages 11,13, & 15. They are all doing very well in school. They are all virgins and trust me, that's not ignorant mom speaking, I know they are. None of them drink, none of them do drugs. They even ask permission before they cuss! They all love me with everything they have in them.  They even still call for me to come kiss them and tuck them in every single night before they go to bed. Ok, really, I'm not bragging, this is why I think they are like this:

1. I am not afraid to bust their butts. Throughout their entire lives, the only time they've ever gotten a spanking was if they were in danger of hurting themselves or someone else. I would rather bust their butts for running out in a parking lot than have them hit by a car.

2. Any time they are in trouble for anything else, I discipline them in various ways. I will ground them, make them write an apology letter to whoever they offended, tie them together until they say 10 things nice about the other person or I make them write sentences. Time out NEVER worked for them.

3. If they lie, they get the soap. My children do not lie. Everybody who knows my children crack up because they will tell on themselves for doing something wrong that I would have never found out about. They could be in California with their dad and I'm in Oklahoma and they will call me to tell on themselves. They will still get in trouble for doing wrong but it's not the degree of trouble they get in for lying.

4. I have NEVER lied to my children. They ask about sex, I give them the straight up facts. They asked about condoms, I went and got one from my husbands drawer and showed them how to use one. My belief is, they're going to find out anyway and if they come to me first and I lie, the trust will be broken and they won't believe anything I say anymore and will have no reason to come to me.

5. There is a rule in my home. They know that I want them to wait for marriage to become sexually active, however I became sexually active at age 11 and had my first child at age 15, all three by 19. I'm not stupid. So we have an agreement that if they feel it's getting to that point in a relationship (especially with two of them being boys), they can come to me, they will not get in trouble, I will not judge them, I will simply give them the proper information they need to do make sure they do it safely.

6. If my kids were to ever get caught ditching school, I would go to school with them the next day in my pajamas and bunny slippers with curlers in my hair and spend the entire day with them like that. It hasn't happened but they know I'm just crazy enough to do it.

7. Finally, I use my life experiences. I don't say DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO. I tell them, look, I had sex when I was your age, I had 3 kids before I was 19. Though I don't regret having my children, I wish I had waited longer. My husband is a felon. He's cleaned his life up but before I met him, he did drugs, he sold drugs, he went to jail for 4 months. His life is forever changed because 1 time he was caught with drugs. I've known alot of people who did drugs. The children have also known of these people and when the drugs come up to bite them in the butt, I make sure my children know why they are in that position.

 

It all comes down to having good communication with your children. If you treat them with respect, they will do the same. But respecting them also means a good spanking when it's called for. I've had DHS at my door for two reasons, the first was for spanking, they decided I did nothing wrong, the second was for the soap in the mouths, they also told me that was fine as long as I wasn't pouring a whole big ol' bottle of dishsoap down their throats. If you don't spank your kids at every turn, they can't call it abuse. My plan may not work for everybody but I hope it helps somebody.

 

I'm just curious, but do you have age limits on spanking?  When did you start and do you keep spanking until age 18?  Good info on spanking and DHS.  Thanks.

 
April 3, 2008, 11:45 am CDT

04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

I'm just curious, but do you have age limits on spanking?  When did you start and do you keep spanking until age 18?  Good info on spanking and DHS.  Thanks.

My daughter is 15, though I haven't had to spank any of my children in several years, you better believe I would. When my children were about 2 or 3 I would give them 1 little swat on the butt if they were doing something like trying to reach on the stove or something but I didn't actually spank them until they were at an age where they understood what was happening and why I was doing it. I think it's important that if they're doing something that would hurt themselves or somebody else, that they equate that action with pain so they know it will hurt if they do it again. The age I actually starting spanking them was different for each of them. My daughter has aspergers syndrome and she has always had some difficulty understand what is ok and what is not and what she was doing so I probably started actually spanking her around age 8 but my boys got it around 4 or 5. They have no doubt of my love for them and they actually have made a choice to continue living with me instead of their father who doesn't spank and spoils them rotten. I was never spanked as a child, I was never disciplined period and I was a nightmare of a teenager. That's why I chose to spank. I wish my mom had disciplined me because it would've shown she cares enough not to let me do something that could hurt me.
 
April 3, 2008, 11:51 am CDT

Thank you

Quote From: princessgina

I am glad to see that someone like me is not afraid to bust butts when it comes to disaplining thier kids. I have 1 daughter who is 11 and a half years old. I have pretty much done everything that you have mentioned that you do with your kids. I also noticed some creative things to do too. I think that good parenting makes for kids growing up to be good adults.
My sister has children ages 5,8, and 12. She does nothing to discipline her children and neither I nor my mother can even stand to be in a room with them for an hour! Their own grandmother cannot stand them! I also have 2 stepsons that come down every other weekend and their mother does not spank them and with them being side by side with my children, it's amazing the difference! We have had to tell them so many times not to run out in front of cars! My children always formed a "a chain of love" when crossing a parking lot or street. We would all grab hands and cross at the same time. It's funny because I forgot about that and my children started doing it on their own with their younger brothers!  I should say my stepsons are 9 and 10. These things stick with children. My children knew if they broke the chain, they were gonna get it. Now they form their own chain.
 
April 3, 2008, 6:40 pm CDT

Vulgar, unruly kids

This is a societal problem. We have become complacent as parents. We don't respect others. We curse people out at the drop of a hat. We don't have boundaries when it comes to what is and is not within the realm of good taste. We are sue happy. We blame everyone else for our problems, and do not take responsibility for our own actions. So, why are we astounded that our children act this way?

 

We have become a society removed from our families. We work, come home tired and ignore our children. We and they, sit in front of the TV and play video games, or we are on the computer and not interacting with one another. We text instead of talk face to face.

 

Too many of us want to be "friends" with our children instead of being the ADULT.

 

I don't see this ending anytime soon, in fact, I don't think it will ever end, certainly not in my life time.

 

Sad, isn't it?

 
April 3, 2008, 6:48 pm CDT

04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Quote From: peterspumpkin

My daughter is 15, though I haven't had to spank any of my children in several years, you better believe I would. When my children were about 2 or 3 I would give them 1 little swat on the butt if they were doing something like trying to reach on the stove or something but I didn't actually spank them until they were at an age where they understood what was happening and why I was doing it. I think it's important that if they're doing something that would hurt themselves or somebody else, that they equate that action with pain so they know it will hurt if they do it again. The age I actually starting spanking them was different for each of them. My daughter has aspergers syndrome and she has always had some difficulty understand what is ok and what is not and what she was doing so I probably started actually spanking her around age 8 but my boys got it around 4 or 5. They have no doubt of my love for them and they actually have made a choice to continue living with me instead of their father who doesn't spank and spoils them rotten. I was never spanked as a child, I was never disciplined period and I was a nightmare of a teenager. That's why I chose to spank. I wish my mom had disciplined me because it would've shown she cares enough not to let me do something that could hurt me.
I have never understood what brute force and physical pain teach a child. I have a 4 year old that I have never had to spank. She's a polite and bright child. I get compliments all the time on how well behaved she is.

I don't get why it should be ok to physically harm a little child, but not a grown adult..makes no sense.
 
April 3, 2008, 6:52 pm CDT

04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Quote From: enyadreams

I have been on the inside and the outside of DHS , been a foster parent and  had my own day care business for many years. Also worked in the school system and been a volunteer at  a headstart program. I have been on a commitee meeting as a Secretary for Council on Children  just to name a few. I grew up in a family of eleven children with my father being a truck driver and my mom being a stay-at-home single parent so to speak. I started babysitting when I was 10 yrs old and at the age of 15 yrs I was babysitting for 5 children 6 nights a week for over a year and a half and then I continued babysitting all through high school buying my own clothes and everything I needed. I have taken care of children and been involved with them  ever since I can remember always caring for their needs and being a protector. I know what I am talking about as far as the first comments I made! DO YOUR RESEARCH! You will be totally surprised at what you find if you look into things like I did and especially if you have been on the inside and have seen and heard all I have and have been made bitter by it knowing that alot of the social workers don't do their jobs properly and are there to get paychecks and for the glory. AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS DOING ABOUT IT AND WE ARE PAYING FOR THEM TO CONTINUE USING OUR TAX DOLLARS! I posted a link you could all go to to read a very good article but it must have been taken off my comment .

AS FAR AS KIDS NOT BEING MESSED UP ANY MORE TODAY THAN THEY WERE IN THE 50'S OR 60'S I SAY BULLTO THAT AND YOU KNOW IT TOO!!!!  

Do my research? I have "done my research" and I am DISAGREEING WITH YOU. That doesn't mean I don't know what I am talking about, it means I have a different opinion than you.

You say "bull to that" and you say that I "know it too"....no I don't KNOW it. I HEAR hysterical people SAY it all the time, however I don't see what they are talking about.

Sounds to me that your experiences have only heightened what I expressed in my last post...if you only see the bad it's all you know exists. And that is terrible.

So please, do not tell me what I know.
 
April 3, 2008, 6:55 pm CDT

04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Quote From: enyadreams

I wasn't saying kids are possessions or that we should abuse them!!! They should be disciplined PROPERLY but WITHOUT the state being allowed to butt in  just anytime without throughly investigating the situation and making sure they are doing their job without trying to give all our children ways out of listening to their parents authority .Get it strait ..............I don't even know who the hell Nancy Grace is.  I only know who DR PHIL is and what he says on disciplining children!!!!

Joyce in MN

How do you define "properly"? How hard do we get to hit kids? What can we hit them with?  Do we have to take into account each child's personality and demeanor? Do we put a spank-o-meter on their butt to make sure we don't hit them too hard. Is there a handbook on how to explain to kids who it's ok to hit and when it's ok to hit them?

Why is it ok to hit a 25 lbs toddler but not a 240 lb man?


 
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