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Topic : 04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Number of Replies: 276
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Created on : Friday, March 28, 2008, 02:31:41 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you tired of your kids talking back, being disobedient and acting up when they don’t get their way? Along with Dr. Frank Lawlis, author of Mending the Broken Bond, Dr. Phil has advice for calming a chaotic household. First up, Jennifer says her 12-year-old daughter, Sydney, is out of control, and Jennifer's marriage to Craig is suffering as a result. She says Sydney hangs out with the wrong crowd, lies constantly and is failing school. The teen was recently in hot water when she sent a topless photo from her cell phone to her boyfriend that was circulated around the school! Craig says he’s frustrated that Jennifer undermines his discipline, and he’s hurt that his stepdaughter doesn’t respect him. Can this family get back on track, or is it too late for Jennifer to save her marriage? Then, Diane and Clayton say their 17-year-old daughter, Logan, is rude, doesn’t do her chores and always breaks curfew. Logan wants her folks to get off her back because she’ll be 18 soon, and she wants to get her own place. Find out what happens when Dr. Lawlis makes a house call to bring some balance to the family. Is Logan ready to move out on her own, and will her folks be able to handle her independence? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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April 3, 2008, 8:19 pm CDT

I'm almost speechless

I can't believe what I just read about. The 12-year-old girl sent a naked picture to her boyfriend. 12 YEARS OLD. I can't even begin to describe all the things that are wrong with that. My mind is racing...when I was 12, even the idea of taking a naked picture for ANY boy was totally out of the question. TOTALLY. I wouldn't even have to think about the answer, it was NO. 12 years old...that's beyond rediculous.

 

If she were 19, 20+  taking a picture like that for a boyfriend wouldn't be so bad. I would do that for my boyfriend, but I wouldn't be doing it on my phone, and I'm an adult. This girl has no clue to the severity of what she has done. She has a lot of growing up to do and taking a picture like that just made her trip through life a whole lot harder, and it's her own fautl for doing it to. I don't blame her parents. Her parents didn't hold the phone up and snap the picture. Her parents didn't tell her that it was a good idea to do that, and from what I see, her parents didn't even know about it. That was a choice that she made herself. However stupid it was. I don't think much of her "boyfriend" either.

 
April 3, 2008, 8:30 pm CDT

Your child is 4

Quote From: rainpainrain

I have never understood what brute force and physical pain teach a child. I have a 4 year old that I have never had to spank. She's a polite and bright child. I get compliments all the time on how well behaved she is.

I don't get why it should be ok to physically harm a little child, but not a grown adult..makes no sense.
Your kid is 4 years old, you don't know if your method has worked yet. I don't mean to be disrespectful of your parenting but you honestly do not know until she gets older. I got compliments all the time on my kids and how well behaved they were and I still do. Like I said before, I didn't spank my kids just for mouthing off or knocking a knick knack over, I spanked them if and only if they were in danger of hurting themselves or somebody else. I believe they needed to equate that action with pain. I now have very well behaved teen and preteen children. Granted, I don't know for a fact that it worked yet but I know I'm a heck of a lot closer than you are to knowing. When your child gets to be 15 years old, if she's still this polite little girl, contact me, we'll compare notes. I don't believe in spanking your child for throwing a tantrum or anything like that. I had both extremes when I was growing up. My mother did nothing to discipline us when I lived with her and my father beat the hell out of us when we were with him. I found a good in between. My children are AWESOME, I can't be all that bad!
 
April 3, 2008, 11:16 pm CDT

04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Quote From: peterspumpkin

Your kid is 4 years old, you don't know if your method has worked yet. I don't mean to be disrespectful of your parenting but you honestly do not know until she gets older. I got compliments all the time on my kids and how well behaved they were and I still do. Like I said before, I didn't spank my kids just for mouthing off or knocking a knick knack over, I spanked them if and only if they were in danger of hurting themselves or somebody else. I believe they needed to equate that action with pain. I now have very well behaved teen and preteen children. Granted, I don't know for a fact that it worked yet but I know I'm a heck of a lot closer than you are to knowing. When your child gets to be 15 years old, if she's still this polite little girl, contact me, we'll compare notes. I don't believe in spanking your child for throwing a tantrum or anything like that. I had both extremes when I was growing up. My mother did nothing to discipline us when I lived with her and my father beat the hell out of us when we were with him. I found a good in between. My children are AWESOME, I can't be all that bad!
Yes, I just LOVE being told that I am a moron because my child isn't as old as yours. I have seen other OLDER THAN YOUR KIDS raised in the same way I am raising my kid and they are just fine...so, your trump card is now gone, can we actually talk with out your condescension now? Thanks.

I didn't say you were all that bad, I just don't GET how smacking a child around accomplishes ANYthing.


 
April 4, 2008, 4:55 am CDT

opposite messages

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

I think you need to talk to an attorney that specializes in CPS laws

 

http://www.fightcps.com/articles/faq.html

 

"

First, you need to get a good attorney, and fast. Child protective services is nothing to take chances with. Once they are involved, the power that they have over your family is enormous. Make sure that the attorney you get is experienced in dealing with child protective services

.

Second, no, once child protective services is involved, and until their investigation is concluded (and only then if they find nothing), you do not have a say in what happens to your children. Again the power that CPS has in this situation cannot be overstated."

 

http://www.dearesq.com/if-child-protective-services-cps-takes-our-children-can-we-assign-custody-to-someone-we-choose/

 

Fight it, don't let whomever decides to terrorize you this way win. Good luck to you, don't let that social worker get away with it, be a thorn in her side until you get your way.  It won't be worth it to mess with you- again fight to the death!  Good luck and God bless!

 this message does not fit in with your earlier message in which you say you'd let your kids go with cps, etc. interestingly enough, i think you were  right in both cases -- parents shouldnt be afraid of their kids, but cps does have a lot of power over a family, so i can see where it would be very scary if a child threatened to call them. sure you can fight it, but it can take a long time and a lot of emotional damage can be done in the meantime. kudos to you for giving website info, etc. but i think we need to have more reasonable and fairly uniform standards. perhaps for example, it should be okay to spank a kid on the bottom for running into the street, while it is not okay, of course, to beat a child or hit him/her for every little thing. also, except in the xase of definite abuse, there should be more effort to get families into therapy and teach parents other effective ways of disciplining their kids. this way the real abusers would be targeted more often and not innocent parents who are just tring to do their job.

but also, i think more parents hsould get their families into therapy when they are having such serious trouble tha a kid makes unjust threats about cps. even if, say, a teenage kid refuses to go, the parents should go. the therapist may be able to give them helpful advice and be an advocate for them if their child does make good on this threat. it never hurst to reach outfor help.
 
April 4, 2008, 5:17 am CDT

before the show

 i generaly don't like to make any comments before i've seen the show. but based on what i've read here, i think i can make some guesses. so here goes:

about sydney -- if her mom and stepdad are behaving as "badly" as she says, why wouldn't she break some rules herself?she's bound to feel, "if they can do it, why can't i?" and "it can't be that bad." i realize she may be making some of it up, but clearly, not all of it. also, if her mom reallydoes stay out till 3 am, perhaps she's trying to get her "attenion" in any way she can.

about logan -- perhaps she is spoiled and rude, etc but maybe it's b/c she's at that pointwhee she really feels the need to run her own life. or perhaps having to take care of her own apartment, etc would give her a needed dose of reality. clayton may not be ready to let her go, but in the end, it may so them all a lot of good and improve theri relationship. the chores she won't do at home now, she may be happy to do when it's her own place or a place shared with a friend. 18 is old enough to make decisions about voting, smoking, etc. so why not be allowed to try to live away from home? (i'd suggest a college dorm as a midle ground, but it doesnt sound as if she's headed toward college.) but watch out parents -- she may find it all too overwhelming and come running home!

but i may be wrong about all of this. will watch the show and seee.
 
April 4, 2008, 6:36 am CDT

04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Quote From: redfeathers

I can't believe what I just read about. The 12-year-old girl sent a naked picture to her boyfriend. 12 YEARS OLD. I can't even begin to describe all the things that are wrong with that. My mind is racing...when I was 12, even the idea of taking a naked picture for ANY boy was totally out of the question. TOTALLY. I wouldn't even have to think about the answer, it was NO. 12 years old...that's beyond rediculous.

 

If she were 19, 20+  taking a picture like that for a boyfriend wouldn't be so bad. I would do that for my boyfriend, but I wouldn't be doing it on my phone, and I'm an adult. This girl has no clue to the severity of what she has done. She has a lot of growing up to do and taking a picture like that just made her trip through life a whole lot harder, and it's her own fautl for doing it to. I don't blame her parents. Her parents didn't hold the phone up and snap the picture. Her parents didn't tell her that it was a good idea to do that, and from what I see, her parents didn't even know about it. That was a choice that she made herself. However stupid it was. I don't think much of her "boyfriend" either.

I definitely agree! All these kids nowadays think it's so cool to do the whole 'naked photo online' thing and they don't realize that this could be a potential problem in so many different areas in your life later on if seen by the wrong people.
 
April 4, 2008, 6:58 am CDT

opposite messages...

Quote From: lynlovel

 this message does not fit in with your earlier message in which you say you'd let your kids go with cps, etc. interestingly enough, i think you were  right in both cases -- parents shouldnt be afraid of their kids, but cps does have a lot of power over a family, so i can see where it would be very scary if a child threatened to call them. sure you can fight it, but it can take a long time and a lot of emotional damage can be done in the meantime. kudos to you for giving website info, etc. but i think we need to have more reasonable and fairly uniform standards. perhaps for example, it should be okay to spank a kid on the bottom for running into the street, while it is not okay, of course, to beat a child or hit him/her for every little thing. also, except in the xase of definite abuse, there should be more effort to get families into therapy and teach parents other effective ways of disciplining their kids. this way the real abusers would be targeted more often and not innocent parents who are just tring to do their job.

but also, i think more parents hsould get their families into therapy when they are having such serious trouble tha a kid makes unjust threats about cps. even if, say, a teenage kid refuses to go, the parents should go. the therapist may be able to give them helpful advice and be an advocate for them if their child does make good on this threat. it never hurst to reach outfor help.

 

I was a replying to a poster who was having difficulty with a social worker who was way off the map.  In those situations, it's advantageous to fight it, as an attorney will fight for the rights of you versus the government agency.  Teens are going to rebel, though  in some way, but if you have a corrupt social worker in the mix, the situation changes.  If that's the teen's way of running away, shoot, I'd drive them to the bus depot rather than have CPS stick their nose in my life.  Point is, I'm not afraid of kids OR the government and you have rights in the situation that you can exercise.  BTW, how do you implement these uniform standards, though? 

 

Keep in mind, spanking doens't work for all children- my brother was spanked until his butt was red, but it made no difference, he still acted out.  It was only when his video games, his TV, his allowannce, etc, was taken away that he started to comply.  I'm not saying we should eliminate spanking, I'm just saying, for that person, spanking was ineffective.

 
April 4, 2008, 7:29 am CDT

Fear...

Quote From: lynlovel

 this message does not fit in with your earlier message in which you say you'd let your kids go with cps, etc. interestingly enough, i think you were  right in both cases -- parents shouldnt be afraid of their kids, but cps does have a lot of power over a family, so i can see where it would be very scary if a child threatened to call them. sure you can fight it, but it can take a long time and a lot of emotional damage can be done in the meantime. kudos to you for giving website info, etc. but i think we need to have more reasonable and fairly uniform standards. perhaps for example, it should be okay to spank a kid on the bottom for running into the street, while it is not okay, of course, to beat a child or hit him/her for every little thing. also, except in the xase of definite abuse, there should be more effort to get families into therapy and teach parents other effective ways of disciplining their kids. this way the real abusers would be targeted more often and not innocent parents who are just tring to do their job.

but also, i think more parents hsould get their families into therapy when they are having such serious trouble tha a kid makes unjust threats about cps. even if, say, a teenage kid refuses to go, the parents should go. the therapist may be able to give them helpful advice and be an advocate for them if their child does make good on this threat. it never hurst to reach outfor help.

 

I have to admit, I'm NOT a parent.  Just wanted to put that on the table, and all I can do is conjecture about what I think I would do in the situation.  Some of it comes from how I was raised, but that's a whole different can of worms.

 

What I've observed as an outsider, is that parents seem to have a lot of fear (maybe I'm wrong in this observation?).  Fear for their children, fear OF their children, fear of/for the government (which president will I elect FOR my child), fear of the environment being there for their children, fear that their education is subpar and they won't have money for their college education, etc.  I wish that parents wouldn't have so much fear and think some of it may be superfluous.  Parents aren't perfect (no one is), but they do have rights and I think that they are integral to how our future generation acts and how they in turn parent. 

 

Again, these are just opinions from a non-parent, very different from those that are parents.  But I hate to see so much fear in parents today because of their leadership role and all undue stress does is make things worse.  Just one perspective of many.

 
April 4, 2008, 8:10 am CDT

04/04 Ask Dr. Phil about Parenting

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

I have to admit, I'm NOT a parent.  Just wanted to put that on the table, and all I can do is conjecture about what I think I would do in the situation.  Some of it comes from how I was raised, but that's a whole different can of worms.

 

What I've observed as an outsider, is that parents seem to have a lot of fear (maybe I'm wrong in this observation?).  Fear for their children, fear OF their children, fear of/for the government (which president will I elect FOR my child), fear of the environment being there for their children, fear that their education is subpar and they won't have money for their college education, etc.  I wish that parents wouldn't have so much fear and think some of it may be superfluous.  Parents aren't perfect (no one is), but they do have rights and I think that they are integral to how our future generation acts and how they in turn parent. 

 

Again, these are just opinions from a non-parent, very different from those that are parents.  But I hate to see so much fear in parents today because of their leadership role and all undue stress does is make things worse.  Just one perspective of many.

You're right, we shouldn't be afraid of our kids. I, for one, was never in a situation to be afraid of my kids. It helped to have a father on hand to help raise them. Neither one of mine ever threatened to call CPS. But, I have known of teens who DID threaten thier parents with CPS. And it wasn't a terribly bad situation there, the kids were just in disagreement with the rules. The people I know, said to thier teens, "Go to it,call 'em!" No one called. It was probably just a hollow threat anyway. I can tell you that if one of my kids had threatened me with CPS, I would have really been pissed off.Because I am a good mother and had reasonable rules. We didn't have a problem with our kids being terribly rebellious. But, even in the best of situations, teens and parents are going to butt heads at times.

 

I can say that my own parents were afraid of 2 of my brothers at times. (more as adults than teens) And they got by with a lot of s*** that should never have been allowed. And they wouldn't let the rest of us interfere with the mess they were in at times. At times, my sister and I were actually afraid for my parents' safety. Ah, but I digress, my parents are dead and gone and it's all over with now. But, at the time it was very frustrating to see the way things were going on and not be able to do anything about it. My own 2 kids are grown and we have a healthy relationship with both of them.

 
April 4, 2008, 8:30 am CDT

i agree

Quote From: gwarrior6

 

We shouldn't be afraid of our kids!  If we don't discipline them SOME way, they'll end up in prison as adults.  I'm not afraid, if my kids cry wolf to CPS, and they DO take them away.  I'd let them go- then when the kid realizes that foster care is worse than living with me and wants to come back, I'll fight CPS until I'm blue in the face!  Maybe it's good for that child to understand the consequences of lying or crying wolf and that these accusations are serious.  Why do we give our kids that much power?  I'm not afraid of them, they'll be better for me grounding them or taking away the TV and taking a leadership role than they will for me to cower in the corner while they run wild.  Just my opinion.

We shouldn't be afraid of our kids and do what is right . I was once told you never can spoil a child with to much lovin and u know it true my own mother spoiled us kids with it and we knew better . If u are wonderin what it ment by you can't spoil a child with to much lovin look at it this way how much do u love your kids and how much are u gona discipline them and keep them safe from harm.
 
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