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April 8, 2008, 3:13 pm PDT
Sexual Issues breaking up my marraige
I have so many problems I do not even know where to begin.
In my 40's I could not get enough sex and I was married to an older man who did not want it as much as I did. He died of brain cancer in 2000. Because I was lonely and did not think I was ready to be celibate for the rest of my life, I sought out another partner. My current husband is a year younger than I, and of Latin origin. Shortly after we were married, I started having problems. Now, in my 50's I could live without sex, not by choice, but because I had a fibroid cyst that made it necessary for me to have a complete hysterectomy. Now, not only do I not have a libido, but sex is painful. For me, this would not be a problem if I was single, however, I am married and to a hot blooded Spaniard.
As you can imagine, we are extremely frustrated, he because he wants it all of the time, and me because I don't. I tolerate the pain for him, but it has made me very bitter and resentful because I feel like I am just a sexual object for him. He does not seem to understand what I am going through. When I try to suggest less painful ways to approach our union, he gets mad because he feels like I am putting him down. All of this, along with other issues that have come up since we married, have just about split us up. I have come close to telling him to pack his bags and head back to Texas more times than I can count lately.
It has gotten to the point that I sleep in the recliner in the living room so I do not have to be touched by him. I go on camping and fishing trips to get some peace and quiet and a good nights sleep, and I find any excuse not to go to bed. A couple of times a week, I will pretend to be interested, fake orgasm, and hope that will be enough to satisfy him, however it is not. He wants it every night. I never did it every night when I was in my prime. I also have to think, what would happen if I had some kind of debilitating illness where sex was impossible, how long would he be here? I have asked this question and he says he would deal with it.
He keeps telling me he wants the woman he married back. I keep telling him that I will never be that woman again because the part of me that he misses is missing from me. I do not feel like a woman anymore. I had practically given up trying to feel feminine again. Recently, I have started trying to wear makeup again, and wear nicer clothing than I have for a long time, the problem with that is that he want me even more. Don't get me wrong, it is flattering, however, it does not fix the problem.
Speaking of fixing things. He has been trying to fix me. He had me take saliva tests to see what hormones I needed replacing. After the testing, a preparation of creams was prescribed. I used them for awhile, but did not notice any change. The doctor told me that it might help with the pain, but probably would do nothing for my libido. She was right. The pain was better, at least tolerable, but not gone. But the desire has never returned. Although I have not tried it. (it is against my husbands principles), I think I could watch a hard core porno flick and not get a thing out of it except disgusted. Him trying to fix me has not done much for my self-esteem.
I have to tell you that I am also diabetic, have high blood pressure, a very fast heart beat, anxiety and panic attacks, ostio arthritis in my hips and shoulders, carpel tunnel in my right hand, bursitis in my shoulders, gastric issues, IBS, and a host of other disorders. Most of this has come on since my husband and I got married. Poor timing. If I had known, I would have stayed single.
Prior to our marriage, I was walking 6 miles a day, then I got heel spurs, and have had knee surgery. I feel like I am falling apart. I take a multitude of prescription medications, as well as just about as many over the counter medications, and herbs to try to "fix me". I live in pain on a daily basis, and am tired and just want to have some peace and harmony for a change.
Any advice from anyone would be helpful. Am I selfish to not give it to him every night? Am I wrong to feel like I have to perform in order to keep my marriage? Is my marriage even worth saving.? I think companionship is all I am interested in anymore, and he is not. He does not like to do the things I like to do. I do the things he likes just so we can spend time together, but I usually do not enjoy myself.
Recently he became a store manager and he is gone all day, and usually drags in at bed time, wants to eat and then hit the sack, with me in it. We have not done anything fun together in a couple of years now. I am a caregiver for a paralyzed man. He live in the basement apartment of our house.
I make really good money, but I am tied to the house most of the time. My husband does not understand why, when I have the chance, I want to do something away from the house. This is another reason I go camping and fishing. I love the outdoors, and I need a break from being here 24/7. When I go camping my husband thinks I am abandoning him, he refuses to understand my needing to get away for awhile.
A couple of years ago, my husband's two teen age children came to livewith us. His son is in college now and doing pretty well. Hisdaughter, however, has been in trouble since day one. She is currentlyin a group home trying to get help. She is addicted to drugs andalcohol and sex. Since he works all of the time, I am left to deal with all of this by myself.
On top of all of this, my mother passed away in February. I had been her caregiver for a couple of years now. She was diabetic, an amputee, in a wheel chair and I was obligated to her and her care. She liked to fish and camp, so I took her as much as I could last year. She told me that it was the best summer she ever had. Little did I know it was her last summer, so at least there is the one thing I feel good about. I am the oldest of 4 children. I now have the responsibility of taking care of the final stuff for my mom.
So, what is wrong with me Doc? Can you fix me? Is my marriage worth saving, or is it killing me?
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