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Topic : 08/05 Fat Abusers

Number of Replies: 446
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Created on : Friday, April 04, 2008, 02:11:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/09/08) “Fat slob!” “Lardo!” “Lazy butt!” Obese people are often the target of ridicule, but can you imagine hearing this type of verbal abuse from your own spouse? Dr. Phil takes on fat abusers, people who intentionally belittle their husband or wife simply for being overweight. Roger says he was very clear when he told his wife, Linda, before they were married that he couldn’t stand fat people. Now 20 years later, Roger says Linda has gained 40 pounds and is about to lose him. He says sex with her is like “rolling around in a bowl of Jell-O” and is considering divorce if she doesn’t shed the pounds. Should Linda take his behavior as a wake-up call and end the marriage? Then, Alisa and Leon have been married for 28 years, but now that he tips the scales at 305 pounds, she calls him “Fat Butt.” She filed for divorce because she says she can’t stand looking at his stinky, flabby body. Their daughter, Amy, also puts Leon down and says he's the reason that she’s full-figured. Don't miss Dr. Phil's surprise for Leon! And, viewers were left speechless by Rick, who called his wife, Karen, a fat whore, fat pig and even the C-word. Has he changed his abusive ways? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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April 9, 2008, 10:41 am CDT

has the show aired by you?

Quote From: coco994

     I think Leon's sort of cute myself.  What I would like is for him to lose a little weight to make himself feel better and then get out on the market.  Mrs. Abuser will find out how many women are looking for a cuddly teddy bear to make them happy.  I wouldn't want to sit next to her in a movie theatre, let alone be married to her.  Go Leon, go get your happiness outside of this marriage.  That's my opinion.


I haven't seen it yet, but from the sound of things it isn't any wonder why the guy is feeling depressed.   Reading his daughter saying that when she was a kid and he was "babysitting her" while her mom was at work and they never did any thing but hang around watching tv sitting on the couch I have to wonder if depression wasn't a big part of this from way back then you know?    And the verbal abuse must just compound it.  The show doesn't air here until 3:00 pm I'll be interested to see it. 
 
April 9, 2008, 10:55 am CDT

One thing

The one thing that makes me mad about fat abuser's spouses is that the spouse calling the other one fat is that the person being mean is usually fat too or even bigger then the person they are abusing. That's like the pot calling the kettle black.
 
April 9, 2008, 11:09 am CDT

anger? No it's just concern at yet another victim of abuse

Quote From: upatnight

You seem so wrapped up in this story that you can't see that there is an update... while there are no doubt issues that this couple will still need to attend to through on-going therapy to maintain and expand on their successes thus far... I hardly think that it is helpful to Karen to have her choices and focus questioned by the likes of you.  It would seem to me that they are working (notice the suffix indicating that it is an on-going process) very hard on the relationship.  Karen probably doesn't require any further abuse on these boards by having someone tear apart her decision, rake up the past (we all can review the last show they were on as well as the message boards from then) and presume to know if Rick is capable of change.  This also assumes that Karen is not capable of change, that she can't require more of her hubby and learn that she is worthy. Their councellor seems to think that they are doing well and are learning new behaviors together, maybe we could take her opinion of the situation rather than that of strangers with computer access.

My deepest hope and prayer is that Karen, Rick and the children have a happy, healthy, supportive future.

 

Keep up the Good work,

My deepest hope and prayer is that Karen and her children can escape it all.  There's no "abuse"  of Karen  though the questioning of her decision to stay isn't without reason or concern because the average wife of an abuser will think to leve many times before making an attempt and they'll make serval attempts before breaking free.   The emotional and verbal abuser often makes their wife/SO  feel they're to blame and they feel shame and failure at their marriage not working.  This is especially true when they're in "counseling and the abuser is vowing "to do all he/she can to fix this marriage".  When I say this is "classic" it's because it IS CLASSIC.  And it is so much so that these things become part of numbered things to look for etc. 

 

Yes I do think she has the ability to heal the emotional wounds of what Rick has done to her.  But she can't heal unless she sees the reality of who and what Rick is.  It takes a long time for the abused to see that there isn't anything they did that didn't "deserve" their treatment.  And/or there wasn't anything they did to "provoke it".  etc.  Pointing out the facts and the "how to get away" isn't abuse but just knowledge to get away when she needs it. 

 

Given the facts of all that's written from professionals and from the abused the idea of staying with him and "trying to work it out" means that there simply has to be in place a back up plan in case her judgement was in error.   And so real change means that things in place for protection should be seen as a life preserver and not a threat.   If there is true intention of change on the part of the abuser they shouldn't see protection in the way of money stashed some where and an emergency go pack as a threat because the abused wouldn't need to flee &/or there isn't an emergency unless it's *created*.   

 

just facts and pointing out of what Rick is and wha't s happening even as he claims he's "trying to change" they're just facts and not mine.   I can and will continue to post them.  They're something to hold onto if she finds herself being told "You're crazy" or if things turn back around and go ugly fast. 

 

Are you a relative of Ricks? 

 

 

Telling Karen she should be taking back her power now isn't an attempt to undermind what he *says* he's doing in threapy but to allow her some power over her life back.  He should be greeting that with open arms if his true intentions is to "fix the marriage". 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
April 9, 2008, 11:21 am CDT

the narcissist abuser

Info from a  support group for those dealing with a narcissist abuser.  3 of the traits that jump strait out that apply to Rick that he displays right now and even here on the boards. 

 

Protection from the idea of the "fixing the marriage" isn't "out there" but something that should just be done.  If the jesture of "change" is sincere then there would be no objection to protection.   

 

http://groups.msn.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/20traitsofmalignantnarcissism1.msnw

 

 

 

HOW MANY DOES YOURS HAVE?

"It is those we live with and love and should know, who elude us."
Norman Maclean

 

5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.
Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess let him clean it up.

 

7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.
Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.

 

20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll go for therapy." Appears to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..." We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in our lives.
Defense Strategy: Expect this. Self-impose a "No Contact" rule. Focus on the reality of his disorder. Journal past abusive behavior to remind yourself. Join a
support group

 
April 9, 2008, 11:32 am CDT

chances are yes he's moved on to abuse the next woman :(

Quote From: lbatkinson

I was married to a Fat Abuser for 17 years. Even when I was small for my size still on our honeymoon he was verbable abusive. He cheated on me our whole married life until I finally got tired of it and told him to leave. He married the last woman he cheated with and now she is overweight, wonder if he abusers her?? Thank God, I found a man who loves me for me and I am very happy but, the verbal abuse I took for 17 years is still in my head and haunts me everyday.

Ibatkinson it takes a long time to heal.  this abuser is/was my ex-BIL  of course this was years ago and it took a long time for my sister to over come the lasting effects.  Though she has been married now for years and happily there is a life that can be great after the abuser.  I don't know what his early abuse consisted of but what you describe is #9 here. 

 

http://groups.msn.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/20traitsofmalignantnarcissism1.msnw

 

9. OUR 'SOUL MATE' is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a 'new perfect soul mate'. He is an opportunistic parasite. Our 'Knight in Shining Armor' has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy.
Defense Strategy: Seek therapy.

 
April 9, 2008, 11:34 am CDT

04/09 Fat Abusers

Quote From: princesstigger

My EX-fiance once saw the commercial where the girl pulls out oversized pants and says, 'I lost this much weight!'  He said 'That's where you need to go.'  I said you get a penis extension and I'll think about it!

Shut him up!

LOL too funny and a great answer. 
 
April 9, 2008, 11:53 am CDT

wanttochange have you checked Dr. Phils books?

Quote From: want2change

I watched the show today and found it very sad.  I am very overweight.  Thirty years ago I was thin, healthy and full of energy.  I do not expect to ever be that thin or have that much energy again, but I would like to be healthier.  Since my divorce in 2007, I have found myself alone.  I feel I do not have any hope of ever finding a lasting friendship, much less a relationship ship, because of my weight.  I am my own worse enemy. My question now becomes, what do you do when the fat abuser is yourself? I make jokes about my fat, I say things about being fat that I believe other people are probably thinking. I hate mirrors!  I am my own fat abuser!

Doctor Phil has some great books that may be able to help you.   I know he's got weight lose books out there but you may find it more of a help to read/ use "Life Strategies"  or "self Matters" etc.   People don't realize the damage that can be done to *children* of parents who are verbally abusive to each other or to them and so maybe there's some issues for you there if you feel you are your own "fat abuser".   He had said to Karen & Rick in the first show they appeared in (& he's correct) that aa narcissist will leave their abuse victim criticising and ridiculing themself in the absence of the verbal abuser.  Perhaps this is the case with you.  Have you thought of seeing a therapist to talk to?  Or maybe try journaling?  These are good tools to help uncover why you're so tough on yourself and yet setting yourself up for failure etc.  "I do not expect to ever be that thin".   you're looking at something that to you is not obtainable but how about what IS obtainable?  I think you're saying things to yourself you think others are feeling and "making jokes about your fat" as a way to get past the pain that would come if/when others would do those things to you.  Like when we're need to take off a bandaid and we anticipate the sting of ripping hair.  Some people will go soak it to try to minimize the pain and then some will just go real slow and then some are just going to rip it from the skin to "get it over with" because any method is going to bring some pain. 

 

I don't think you should just go dieting and exercising without exploring the emotional reasons by you're punishing yourself.  Even if it is through private journaling to figure out the why you're doing what you're doing.  And if you're looking for a "friendship" try meeting and making a friend as you're going through your weight loss because then they're sharing the same issues etc.  Or maybe a really good trainer....;)  

 
April 9, 2008, 11:59 am CDT

04/09 Fat Abusers

How sad that these people have been treated so badly by their loved ones.  Roger is a sad excuse for a husband and i hope he is left alone when his wife realizes how much better she deserves, whether she weighs 135 or 180. And way to go Dr. Phil when you asked Amy and Alise to take a look in the mirror. They both are overweight as well and ought to be ashamed to treat a husband and father so terribly. They need help more than he does.  My husband was 165 lbs. when we married 28 years ago, and at one time weighed close to 275. I weighed 115 when we married and after my daughter was born, weighed 180. NOT ONE TIME have we ever criticized one another much less been downright abusive. Our sex life was as amazing when we were overweight as it was when we were 20 years old, and continues to be so (Roger must be doing something wrong lol)  My husband calls me beautiful at any weight! These people should try supporting and loving their spouses instead of tearing them down- the results may surprise them all.
 
April 9, 2008, 12:13 pm CDT

04/09 Fat Abusers

WOW, didn't think this show would be good, Linda should walk fast,and not look back.
 
April 9, 2008, 12:16 pm CDT

04/09 Fat Abusers

Seems to me like the guy has changed. Sometimes it's hard to see the flaws in ourselves...especially when our internal thinking is completely wrong.

I am going through that right now...Frankly it scares me to think that people might think that *I* can't change...I guess that is the way it is though. And that in and of itself is another battle of the human mind. Some people have been hurt or taught to believe that people CAN'T change.

Well they can.
 
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