Topic : 08/05 Fat Abusers

I know it's hard to imagine I forgot anything in my last post but I did.

 

1st there was someone else here who'd gone through your husbands post that had been directed at me and piece by piece pointed out the "narcissism" in it.  If he's serious about therapy he or you  should be printing it out and taking it to the therapist with you so she can see it.  There is MUCH work to be done. 

 

2nd You'd said that except for the posts from the first show that you hadn't gotten any apologies from your husband until the show?  Now Karen *THINK* about that!  He said he came home and watched himself on tv/tape and saw how horrible he was etc etc. and he'd go *online* where peoople would see and then wait for the *next show* to publicly apologize to you and that was the first time he'd ever apologized to you?   Honey if I called my husband a vile name or we had a huge fight (crap happens) when we were at the end of the arguement or whatever it was we would apologize ASAP!  No cameras, no audience we would apologize and say "holy cow I don't know what I was thinking I just didn't mean any of what I said" and we would apologize over & over & not just because we were afraid we are going to loose the other one (which we would be worried about) but it would kill me to think I've said something so hurtful to someone I *love*.  Your husband isn't being moved by feelings for you but by *how it's going to look*.  He waits until there's an audience here online & then on the TV.  It wasn't until after the show that you'd got the finances right?  Well he knew how that was going to look and Dr. Phil did get that into the audience didn't he?  "He still won't give her an allowance".   :)  I don't know when the taping was in relation to us telling you on the computer to take back your finances but he had to know and it was something we'd *armed you with* as a way of telling if he's serious about change!  He had to give it back or be accused of not being serious.  Soon the complaints that you're not doing it right will come and he'll insist on taking it back. 

 

According to your husband on the show the "Honey do" lists had been replaced with an "I'm sorry" note on occasion.  And again that is for the benefit of the audience.  It's appearnce sake.....

 

As far as that "2nd chance"  that he started out saying and you'd picked up on here :)  this isn't a 2nd chance Karen.  Every time he's called you a horrific name or humiliated you etc. and you let it roll off you you are giving him *another chance*.  Remember what narcissism is and it isn't a lack of control!  Yet he's still slipped in just a "few names" directed at you right?  Just because the abuse is in words does not mean it isn't damaging and if he'd been hauling of punching you & was now saying "well I only slapped her a few times & her face was red but not bloodied" people would be having *fits*, yet because they're "words" it's acceptable for him to lapse back into abuse?  And you'll just let it roll off you.  And see it's a test because he can "slip 1 or 2 names in" once in a while & yea he's going to therapy & *perfecting* his abuse so it's not as noticable at the same time he abuses!  "It won't happen over night".   If he were an alcoholic and he was on drinking binges his AA people would be telling you to throw him out because every time you let him in you're "enabling him" & that therapy & self work takes time too but you have to cut off the support that allows them to abuse alcohol.  If you continue to allow him to "slip in a name" here & there it *MEANS HE CAN!  and that is the test! 

 

AGain you need not even address this stuff but just take it in and know it so that when you're thinking "what the hell"?  You can come back and re-read the posts here if they start to make sense that you're thinking "I thought that woman said this would happen" Now you've got a reference.  :)  And that's what this is intended for.  And I hate to tell you karen but this had already escalated for you to one of a "physical" nature.  when this "honeymoon phase" is starting to fade it's lible to turn real ugly REAL FAST.  Emergency kits ready to go.  We're all suppose to have them these days anyway and they're called "go packs" :)   Clicking on my name will give you the posts to you in the other message board too and the links to all the places online.  I might go and find them again anyway and repost them.  the Yahoo group is a great one and especially since you've got the yahoo mail because I think it's a yahoo group.  You did listen to the poster on the other board who told you to get your own email account right?  :)  again you just want to chew on all this and take what you need and store it etc.   

exactly....................

 

and I found this some what frieghtening.

 

 "And if I have to be the poster person to show that it can be done, then I will. For I love my wife and kids, and I will stick with this till the end. "

 

 

Time will tell for real and chances are she already knows.   She just needs to remember some of the survival things we've mentioned here and she already knows that 1 link given to her gave her traits that she'd said he fit *all of*.  She has to know that this isn't just stuff off the tops of the heads of "meddlesome people".  And so if all that does is allow her to realize she wants to retain some of the things to look for and some things to help prepare to flee an ugly situation then it's been time well spent.  On top of that we've no way of knowing how many other abused women are reading along that may click on a link, start reading and think "ohmygod maybe I can get out of here." or "I'm not crazy & other women are told the same" etc. 

I am 28yrs. Been married 5yrs to high school sweet heart. have 2 beautiful kids. I don't understand the cruelty of people. Since I had my 1st child I gained 60lbs, then lost 50 2yrs later. Well I got pregnant with my daughter an still carry an extra 50lbs. I have learned to accept myself( though wanting to lose weight) in return my husband has accepted me. He would like me to lose weight but loves me the way I am.  I am a very active person I just don't eat right for the fact it cost so much! But excuses aside. I love myself and my husband loves me! My daughter is harder on me than anyone and shes only 6yrs! LOL. She just wants me to be healthy. My heart truly goes out to those in relationships the have spouses who are so cruel. As a heavy person we  are already hard on our selfs at times WE DON'T NEED ANY OTHER HELP! So those who get down just stay incouraged and most of all LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If it isn't the old, "The fat people are forcing me and others to be attracted to them!" claim. Belive it or not there are people who are attracted to fat people. That's right they're not at all enchanted by the thin ideal. So don't worry, we're not having to be desperate enough to force people to find us attractive.

I completely agree.

That's not true. If someone has a slow metabolism, eating anything at all might make them fat. There are some people who seriously have suggested here the answer is for fat people to starve their fat off. Fat isn't like being addicted to something you don't need.

 

Everyone, yes, even fat people, need food to live. The claim that people are fat because they're addicted to food is a strawman argument. Addiction usually refers to things that are completely unhealthy for your body, food isn't like that. You know if you're smoking, you're harming your body. What's the solution for fat people them, to simply stop eating, go cold turkey, and other withdrawal euphemisms. That hasn't worked before, it's not going to work now, and it won't work in the future.

 

People need to eat.

 

It's that simple. There are many causes of fat, thyroid disorders, taking medications that cause weight gain as a side-effect, and thousand more things that could cause the human  body to carry more weight, aside from the overly-simplistic calories in calorie out model. Having a fat gene does mean someone will most likely be fat, and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Dr. Phil can claim it's an issue of control all he wants, that isn't going to make it reality.

 

Well, the way your body stores fat has a lot to do with it.  You have insulin, which stores carbs and fat into fat cells (btw, you have a certain # of fat cells and they can shrink or get bigger based on what's stored/used).  Then you have glucagon, ACTH, thyroid hormone,  and epinephrine that have the opposite effect of insulin and break down fat stores and use it for energy. 

 

How you store energy in fat cells and the rate that it's broken down into energy determine someone's weight.  So if youre starving yourself, you can still be fat because your body "hangs on" to the say, 1000 calories you consume in a day (whether its low fat carbohydrates or fatty meal) because your body doesn't use all 1000 calories and it's not being burned off because your body is in starvation mode (lower metabolism).  Or you have hypothyroidism or hormone deficiency. 

 

 

Momakababe,  I know that you have numerous postings on this topic so I'm sure you addressed what I am going to say somewhere in these boards.  I mentioned to Karen in one of my recent posts that  time will tell whether this second chance is really going to work.  If it were possible for her husband to change, I don't believe it would happen in a lightbulb moment.  The issues run far too deep here and my belief is that if change were possible (and I do have my doubts in this case) it would involve many sessions of counseling and very hard work.

The other point I wish to make is that Narcissists are known to be very very charming in the beginning of a relationship while they are drawing the other person in. It is only after they (for lack of a better word) hook the other person that their true colors start to show.  Because things have really gone down the tubes, they are going through a start over phase very similar to the beginning of a new relationship. And not surprisingly, he will be using some of that old charm during this phase, which could appear as if he did change.  I believe that if he truly did change deep inside then he would understand how hurtful the name calling is and he would stop.  And if , let's say, during a heated  argument he called her a name, he would apologize right away and not in a public forum, as you stated. Again, time will tell if he really is changing, and if there are slip-ups, then I think that perhaps he is just turning on the charm as he would be doing in the beginning of a new relationship, and that the real self is starting to re-surface. If he did not truly change, this will happen in greater frequency once he is secure that he has her back. And I repeat-only time will tell.

At any rate, Karen should be prepared for what she is going to do if things do not work out.

Looks like you are being eaten alive over here momakababe..lol..Karen you have a right to be skeptical.  I have personally gone through this whole verbal/mental abuse crap for too many years, along the lines of my step parents other adults..ect.  It is hard to teach and old dog new tricks..Your husbands comment about the tears that he was proud of the second half of the story and not the first.  It all once again comes back to him.  It's too soon to be proud of anything.  Everytime I let my step father back in the picture I am completely reluctant but do it for my mother's sake.  And time and time again he shows his true colors and I end up hurt in the process.  I choose now not to be around him any longer because there is nothing wrong with him, it's the world that needs to change.  I need to grow thicker skin.  I do not believe this to be true and when someone is putting you down I do not believe I need to put up with it.  Forgiveness forget it!!!   Too many years of insults and pain.  I do not walk around with a chip on my shoulder instead I choose not to be in realationships with, which I have had, or around people like this.  Saving your money for a "rainy day" is not bad advice.  You are allowed to be skeptical, it does not mean you do not believe he is changing.  You are looking out for you!!  More importantly, your children, which you both have a huge effect on how they view the world and how to treat people in it.  I had to grow up in a house like this and eventually as I grew older it was used on me.  How many good years have made up for the bad years and all the insults?  I would have to have a handful of good years to make up for one bad year of insults.  Good for all the people on the show to even consider forgiveness.  All the "abusers"  on the show  had a choice on how to handle the situations they were in, not of which called for all the name calling.  They all should find something legitimate to complain about.  And to the mother of the older daughter, when did you feel the need to involve her in adult issues and conversations?  If you had a problem with your husbands weight you take that up with him instead of complaining to your daughter about the situation you are in.  How do you think she will treat loved ones in her life?  What makes you think that she will find love at all if she turns into what you have become?  When the insults no longer seem to be working then the abuser will tell you that they are worried for your health..Bull!!!  They are worried about what you look like and how that effects them.  Think about who you are with and if they are that shallow how much could they really love anyone more than they love themselves?  There is just not enough room.

LOL!!!