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Topic : 04/10 Marriage Dilemmas

Number of Replies: 263
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Created on : Friday, April 04, 2008, 02:12:40 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Have you ever had the nagging feeling that something wasn’t right with your relationship? Dr. Phil’s guests say they saw several red flags before they walked down the aisle, but they looked the other way and still said, “I do.” Randall and Shawn were happily married until Shawn discovered men’s magazines in her husband’s bag. Now Randall is out of the closet as a gay man, and he’s struggling to keep his family together. Shawn wants to know if they should stay married for their two pre-teen children or get a divorce. How are their kids handling the news that their father is gay? And, Natalie says she’s leaving if her husband, Robert, doesn’t change his lazy ways. She says he hasn’t worked in a year and watches TV all day while she works, cooks, cleans and pays bills. Robert says he’s pursuing his dream of writing a novel, but Natalie says the book is an excuse to sit on his butt all day. Is Robert a talented undiscovered writer or a freeloading husband? Share your thoughts here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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April 10, 2008, 12:56 pm CDT

writing job

Robert's deluding himself about more than just the publishing process.  I consider myself a writer--I've had pieces published in school magazines.  Yes, it's small-time stuff, but I'm a full-time student with a double major and two jobs.  I don't currently have any time for the ideas that I think have the potential to be books.  So those projects might take longer than expected.  I still have to support myself, and I'll have to help support my marriage when I get there, because I don't expect to be suddenly rich any time soon.  If the book is meant to get published, it will happen.  You just have to be patient enough to balance it with the rest of your life.
 
April 10, 2008, 1:01 pm CDT

Robert's a loser

 "A minim job for myself is a complete waste of time. If I worked for $8 an hour, 40 hours a week, I wouldn't be pulling very much. I lack education. I cannot get a better job," Robert says.

 

Eight dollars an hour beats no dollars an hour (I raised two children and started out minimum wage, worked my way through college and earned a degree. So I don't go for his whiny , "I can't do it ."excuse. He needs to grow up and be a man and help support his family. It may have been "his" inheritance" but since he is married with a family the money should have been a joint decision between he and his wife on how it would be spent. What about his children's college education or he an his wife retirement years? This bozo needs to realize that he needs to see reality and put his Zombie masterpiece on the back burner and basically grow up! What was he thinking?

 
April 10, 2008, 1:04 pm CDT

Once was...

Quote From: jonesy385

I CANNOT BELIEVE what I am seeing.  I just looked at the board, and all I see is some bible thumpers condeming Gays! Some are saying they are married to men who "practice the Gay lifestyle" and they they start talking all the God stuff.  I can't take it.  Why do you people have to bury yourselves, and cover yourselves in the Bible stuff???  WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STOP THAT.  STOP CONDEMNING PEOPLE FOR BEING BORN THE WAY THEY WERE BORN (IE:GAY).  STOP THINKING THAT IF YOU PRAY HARD ENOUGH, MAYBE YOUR GAY HUSBAND WILL START LIKING.."TACOS" SHALL WE SAY??? You Bible thumpers sound like those people who are in CULTS or something!!!  Maybe that is why there are so many priests who molest little boys.  Everyone is wearing the shroud of DENIAL.

what do you say to people used to be gay or people who are bi-sexual? What kind of messed up god is that, that would make people born with unnatural desires?

People need to get their facts straight and then let the truth guide their feelings, not let their feelings make lies look like the truth.
 
April 10, 2008, 1:12 pm CDT

Great point!

Quote From: alpha12

That quote really bothered me too.  The reason Dr Phil and his family have so many best-sellers published is because publishers know anything the McGraw family writes will sell, and sell big.  It is not at all like sending out query after query and getting rejection after rejection.  Normal people are really lucky to get published, even if whatever they write is really good.  He should have used JK Rowling as an example because she started out anonymous.

 

Anyway, I think the writer is deluding himself to believe publishing will be easy.  It will be a long, hard road and likely one full of rejection.  It is not something he should be giving up his day job for.  Self-publishing is hardly the way to go either, considering he will have to spend a fortune promoting himself before people buy the book.

I agree with you alpha12, JK Rowling would have been a great example. The gentleman on the show is deluding himself, as you said, and Dr. Phil was correct in telling him it would be difficult, but things haven't been "difficult" for Dr. Phil for a long time, at least where publishing is concerned. People like Dr. Phil work extremely hard to get where they are and the success shows for itself. That being said, the bragging and self-promotion should drop by the wayside. It's too bad it ever needed to exist at all.
 
April 10, 2008, 1:12 pm CDT

Amen!

Quote From: jcheek

Dr. Phil,

 

I have been watching you for years and the majority of the time I agree with you and when I have not agreed it has been minor. However, this story today is a deal breaker!

 

You are not being up front and honest with this couple and telling him the truth.  He has to admit that his choice to lie this lifestyle is going to destroy his children and wife, how selfish!  This man's decision to live the homosexual life is no different a choice than the alcoholic who destroys his family due to his decision to drink.  Both are decisions and both could be considered "hard wired" behaviors.

 

You have gone TOO FAR! and you call yourself a Christian!!!!

Amen! I'm with you. Life dominating sins:

Homosexuality
Alcoholism
Drug addiction
Compulsive lying
Stealing
etc...

There are Christ centered programs out there for each of these LIFE DOMINATING sins.

nanc.org
 
April 10, 2008, 1:15 pm CDT

04/10 Marriage Dilemmas

Quote From: joyfulagrl

I was married for 19 years and I found out that the man I married was living a homosexual lifestyle.  He had been living this lifestyle before we got married.  What hurt so deeply was that he deceived me and lied to me for so long.  More than what it did to me it hurt our 16 yr old son.  We have been divorced for 3 years, eventhough my son and I have both suffered, I think my son is the one who has suffered the most.  I am glad to see that Shawn and her husband are putting thier daughters feelings first in this situation.  This is something that has made it hard for me to trust anyone.

 

If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.  They shall surely be put to death.  Their blood shall be upon them.  Leviticus 20:13


Are you NUTS???  "Living the homosexual lifestyle"???  THE MAN IS GAY.  And the thing that hurt you the most is that he lied to you about taking it up the you know what?  And then you get all Bible on us... No wonder your son is suffering so much.  If you were not so ultra Bible, and all about the "sinners" your son would not view being Gay as anything wrong...But then again...If your husband didn't grow up in a closeted Bible thumping house, he probably would not have been in the closet and gotten married to you, and had kids and messed up so many people, including himself, just so that he could TRY to hide the fact that the Bible types would view him as a SINNER.  OOooohhhh...I am SO GLAD sometimes, that I grew up in Greenwich Village, here, right by the Stonewall, where the Gay Rights movement started when I was about 10 years old.  When I was a kid, I saw men walking down the street holding hands and kissing in the 60's, and I saw women doing that to eachother too, and my parents told me there was nothing unusual or wrong with that.  My mother told me, when I was maybe 4 years old, "sometimes men love men, and sometimes women love women, and sometimes men love women, and it's all the same...It's just LOVE."  And my family was not into all that repressive Bible "SIN" stuff.  Nothing is a "sin" if it makes you feel happy and good.  The SIN comes when you have to HIDE YOUR REAL SELF to live up to some IMAGE and end up hurting people, just so they won't call you a SINNER. 

 
April 10, 2008, 1:21 pm CDT

a wise gal once told me ...

Quote From: what_is_love

what do you say to people used to be gay or people who are bi-sexual? What kind of messed up god is that, that would make people born with unnatural desires?

People need to get their facts straight and then let the truth guide their feelings, not let their feelings make lies look like the truth.
You don't love a "male" or a "female" because they're "male" or "female," you love another PERSON because they are wonderful and they make you feel wonderful and you could have a happy life together. Why people are so bent into other peoples business is beyond me. It should never matter that you love another person because they are a guy and then decide to love a woman the same way. You're loving another individual and that's a great thing! For all those people out there who are going to read this and say I'm wrong and that being gay or straight or bi is "wrong," listen up - the only reason you're all strung out on other people and their way of life is because you can't control your own. People who have all kinds of problems but don't know how to fix them are the ones out there condemning all the others. Worry about yourself and try to fix your own issues, the world might just start improving.
 
April 10, 2008, 1:21 pm CDT

Shawne....

Quote From: shawneos1

     I had my suspicions now and then and every time we discussed it, he denied it. He was taken care of every day after school by his Grandmother who taught him how to do all the domestic things he does. That was why I didn't question those wonderful traits he has. Had I really known that he was gay, I would have made a different choice. Would I trade our most precious daughters that came from the love of each other, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I did not enter our marriage with the full truth and was very naive at that time. Considering that I was his second wife and he had two children from his first marriage I thought "there's no way he could be gay."

Unfortunately, he came from a very conservative and religious family so he buried that part of himself for many, many years. We are working towards equality now and fighting the bigotry that comes with the stigma of homosexuality. The purpose of our doing the show in the first place was two-fold. One, to get Dr. Phil's advice as to what was best for our children. Two, to let people who are questioning their sexuality know that they don't have to marry the opposite sex to be considered "normal" only to end up where we did. If we can stop the prejudice, life will be much better for so many people. People are who they are and God made them that way intentionally. He doesn't make mistakes in his creations.

Thank you for your input...since you are Shawne, the wife of this man, you should know what you are talking about. I understood you to say you did know he was gay...but, you say you didn't so I can't argue with that.

 

Men CAN learn to (and be good at) sewing, cooking, etc. without being gay!  My son is a great example of that. Because I worked so much and raised my kids alone, he HAD to learn to iron and do laundry if he wanted clean clothes, go grocery shopping, help with household chores, and cook, and so did his two sisters! (he didn't do any sewing, but only because it wasn't necessary.)

 

 I let him know that she who possesses the "inside plumbing" is not automatically locked into domestic chores any more than he who owns the "outside plumbing" is entitled to be coddled and waited on!! 

 

 I taught him to do these things so he could be independent. A man does not have to be gay to do things like this. More mothers ought to teach their sons not to be lazy oafs around the house and expect to be exempt from helping out significantly!  I didn't want him to get married just to have some woman take care of him!

 

He and his wife have been happily married for 26 years and she loves it that he's a help rather than a burden around the house. He owns his own successful business and is very busy with that, his wife works 40 hours a week, too...so they both help each other with everything.

 

I'm sorry your husband deceived you about his sexual orientation....that stinks! And I know you wouldn't trade your children for anything....but, if you would have known ahead of time the truth about him, I don't think you would have chosen to have children with him. He owed you the opportunity to have made that choice. That's all I'm saying.

 

Also, if you read my post, you surely saw that I said the exact same thing as you: "God made these people the way they are, and God doesn't make mistakes!!"

 

I wish you both well.

 

 

 
April 10, 2008, 1:26 pm CDT

04/10 Marriage Dilemmas

Quote From: what_is_love

what do you say to people used to be gay or people who are bi-sexual? What kind of messed up god is that, that would make people born with unnatural desires?

People need to get their facts straight and then let the truth guide their feelings, not let their feelings make lies look like the truth.
There is no such thing as "people who used to be Gay"  -  People are BORN GAY, and if they go to that sicko church where the guy claims to "cure" people from being Gay (as if it's an illness!) -- THOSE PEOPLE ARE STILL GAY, but they are LIVING A CHARADE, and everyone who is not buried in the shroud of religious DENIAL sees that.  Just as I could see the second that man opened his mouth on the TV, that he was GAY.  AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG OR UNNATURAL ABOUT BEING GAY, BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE BORN THAT WAY, JUST LIKE YOU WERE BORN STRAIGHT.  And when it comes to bi-sexual -- there is NOTHING wrong with that either, and actually, everyone who is born is bisexual.  We all have someone, somewhere of the same sex that we would sleep with (YES YOU WOULD, IF YOU WERE NOT SO REGIMENTED AND INHIBITTED, AND AFRAID OF GOING TO HELL, AND ALL THOSE OTHER FAIRY TAILS YOU BIBLE THUMPERS ARE AFRAID OF, LIKE SOME KIDS ARE AFRAID OF THE BOOGY MAN HIDING UNDER THE BED, WHO MIGHT GRAB THEIR FEET IF THEY HAND THEM OVER THE SIDE).  I slept with women when I was younger, but I wasn't Gay and I never considered myself "bi-sexual"  -- I don't believe in LABELS.  Just like I don't believe in the label "SINNER."  Even today, whether I met a man I found attractive and interesting and sexy, or if I met a woman that I felt that way about -- It's about THE PERSON -- Not about what is between their legs.
 
April 10, 2008, 1:33 pm CDT

04/10 Marriage Dilemmas

Quote From: hap_e_ness

Hi I'm new to this site, but needed some advice. There are a lot of changes going on in my life and it's hard for me to keep things straight. My 3yo son was diagnosed with leukemia in Jan 08, he's doing pretty well. Lots of time away from home. I have a 26yo boyfriend (father of my son) and 2 daughters from my 1st marriage (ages 12 & 9).  I recently resigned from my job to care for my son. That was a very hard change for me since i loved my job and have always been the sole bread winner in our home. So i am sharing the reigns with my bf. Anyway, my main concern is trust. My bf hasn't had the best history holding down a job, however he's been doing very well over the last year. I recently found out that he had been calling a girl that he use to "talk" to online and over the phone. I am a jealous gf so we had agreed prior that we wouldn't talk to associate ourselves with the opposite sex unless they were mutual friends. When i confronted him regarding the phone calls and texts he said i wasn't his mother and that he can pick his own friends. Not quite the response i was looking to get. I am really trying to make this relationship work, but i can't trust him right now. I even asked him for his email passwords, explaining why i wanted them. It took me 2 weeks to get enough "balls" to ask him because i was so afraid he would blow up on me. Which he did! He said he was leaving me and done ? I don't know what to do! Is it me doing something wrong or are there under lying issues here?

 

Help!!

Take it from someone who's been around for awhile.....you have your hands full with your sweet little 3 year old son and his illness...do you really want to raise a 26 YEAR OLD BABY with an emotional illness on top of that??

 

Your boyfriend is immature, selfish and dishonest. Do you really want or need that added stress?? If you quit your job, what are you living on? If your boyfriend wasn't in the picture you would HAVE to find another way, wouldn't you? Don't take a walk into hell just to avoid a difficult road.

 

There's your answer.

 
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