Topic : 04/14 The Dr. Phil House: House of Greed

Quote From: getrealtime

Ithink you have a point, but lets just say, It was Lisa, who just keeped asking for $ and when mommy said no it was thrown in her face that she loves her new family more because, mommy won't give no more money, wouldn't that get old, It seems to me that Lisa needs to grow up, buy thing on her own and stop asking mommy to prove her love with a doller bill.

 

You would buy a younger child living in your home more then you would a 40 year woman with her own family, for Lisa to think that mommy should treat them the same is childish

 

If the mother buys the younger child school cloths, should she go and buy a 40 year old some too,

if she buys a car for the younger girl, should she buy the married daughter one too?

you can't treat them the same one looks like she 17 and in HS. and one looks 40 and is married with kids.

Quote From: lindsay205

I see your point, but do we know that Lisa has done all this asking for money?  I don't recall hearing that.  Perhaps I missed that point.  If so, yes that's wrong.  But it is so easy to see that Mama doesn't SHOW any love for Lisa and appears to be throwing the Sister (forgot her name) in her face all the time, deliberately trying to create a jealousy that may not have been there otherwise.

 

Yes, it is true that older mothers have more money to spend on their offspring than when they were younger.  Young mothers are more likely broke most of the time, whereas as we get older we accumulate more wealth and become more stable.  But I don't want to make too many assumptions about info that we are not given.  But I do pray that Sonya will read all these responses that have been sent their way, and take them to heart for GOOD.  Don't try to find fault with your critiquers, just try to see the GOOD advice that's here, and then put it into ACTION.

 

The first thing you need to do is tell Lisa that you love her, and that you are sorry for whatever has gone before, and want to start over.  Then discuss the issues to both of your satisfaction, but DO NOT criticize, tear down, call names, etc.   It NEVER does any good.

Quote From: mommio01

I became an  orphan at the age of sixteen and knew my dad had a will written up with the help of my mom's sister and my dad's brother.  Dad did this because I was the only living child under the age of consent and my brothers were married and all had children.  Now from my experience is that the day dad died six months from the day my mom died I was terrified to show anyone the will because I felt it would cause hurtful feelings and the green eyed monster would take over my family.  Since dad was an alcholic my brothers too having the same disease, felt this was wrong since one of my brothers was incarcerated and his family of three children and wife should benifit by my parents life long savings.  It was not the amount because it was such a minor amount that I came to the conclusion many years later that it's that hurt a child feels when a parent chooses one over the other.  Thats the real problem!  We all want to be SPECIAL  in our parents eyes.  By my dad writing a will my older brother was relieved dad had taken my future seriousely and he was named my guardian, which made him feel important.  Brother number two was angry and in jail, and  brother number three felt slighted since he moved in with me and dad after mom died and his family could have used some help.  To end my story is that I attended college and moved out on my own and tried hard to put all this behind me with a very important lesson learned. My husband and I both experienced the same losses and have learned how important it is to write things down and to speak openly to our children about such issues.  Unfortunately, one of our two sons was tragically killled at age fourteen.  My other son feels devastated and would give anything to have his brother back. Again families need to act like families and help each other when a love one dies. AMEN!!  Keep up the good work Dr. Phil.

Quote From: emptynester

Here's  my experiance. My mom left everything to the man he lived with for 20yrs. My siblings and I nothing , No personal items or anything...... Except some stock. He takes out oneof us. Fine, then we simple put them back in. Simle as that.

Quote From: momakababe

yes but it's the mother Sonja that keeps saying "I'm cutting you out of the will"  and/or "I'm leaving everything to your sister."  This is her way *again* of pitting the 2 against each other at the same time she's telling her older daughter "you're not good enough to be named in my will"  &/or "You're disinherited"  as in you're "banished from my life".  She uses it as a weapon. 

 

I think the whole idea of this woman not welcoming her daughter as a visitor to the hospital was just real telling of the manipulation tactics she uses.  Who calls the hospital to go visit for a new arrival baby?  You'd think she'd have been thrilled her daughter was there to want to greet a new baby that's a 1/2 sister......  This was just real off to me. 

 

"You would buy a younger child living in your home more then you would a 40 year woman with her own family, for Lisa to think that mommy should treat them the same is childish"

 

I don't think she's looking for her mother to purchase things and keep them even steven now I think she's saying that this child is spoiled now in comparison to when her mother had raised her.   Sonja said "Lisa didn't want to go to college"  meaning that her younger daughter is going to college and she must be paying for it and again I don't think Lisa is looking to go to college now.  If this is one of her grips about mother paying for the younger sister going to college she's simply saying "mother never paid for me to go to college. "  This was just an example in what I mean I don't know that's one of Lisa's grips.   But I don't think she expects mother to spend the same amount on her as her younger daughter NOW I think she is saying "my sister has had more in her life than I ever HAD as a kid and is spoiled". 

 

I do think that Lisa is harsh in her judgements of her younger sister, but I think that is born out of the division that was created by her mother.  Someone else here had said this mother has taken delight in the pain and chaos between her two daughters as they were trying to work things out and I agree.  And I think that Sonja had trouble when ever it looked like the 2 sisters were actually connecting and making a point to each other.  I thought the younger daughter was trying to express "I've no control over mom but I WANT a relationship with my older sister" and it kind of broke my heart to see it because I don't think it's something her mother will ever permit.  she'll continue to create the chaos she has already.      

 

Quote From: itzlisarene

I tried to post this earlier but when I hit the spell check my pop up blocker erased the entire thing so I will try it again. 

 

Yes I was cut out of my father's will and found out about it 30 minutes before his wake where I stood and greeted his "friends" next to his opened casket.  I was in my early 20's, a single mom raising a 2 year old daughter that is now 23 and getting ready to graduate from college.  I wish I could forget what his will  said "In order to acknowledge the fact that Lisa is my daugthter I leave her the total sum of $100.00 dollars because I do not wish to leave her any more."  And I can say with clarity that no it was not about the money for me.  It broke my heart because I loved and still  love my dad and it said to me "You are not worthy of my love."  He left everything down to the last picture to my only sibling... my brother.  Nope... It's not about the money.  It's about the pain of not being understood and not being loved.  If I could only hug him one more time.  If I could only find the thing that made our relationship bad and go back and change it now I would but it's too late because he is no longer with us.  If I would have known that he felt that badly about me before he died I would have done everything I could do to fix it.  As an adult child I have so needed to know that I was loved and wanted. 

 

Let the Healing Begin -

I am finally learning to forgive 20 years later.  And I know when I see my dad in the next life we will make it right.  I love him so there is no other option for me.  I have begun to read books about forgiveness and the bible and God's love.  It is not an easy thing for me to get over and for years I blamed myself.  I don't blame anyone now.  It still hurts but I am learning that with healing and forgiveness the pain fades away with the unforgiveness. 

 

There is nothing that could separate my children from my love and no I would never allow them to feel unworthy of it.  If I found them struggling in the mud I would not say "look at you, you are dirty"  I would roll my pant legs up, jump in and pull them out of it.  That's what love says and that's what love does.  More importantly that's what  parents do. 

 

I finally confronted my brother after years of this tearing us apart on my end and not saying anything to him about it.  He said the only words I needed to hear. "I'm sorry" and "You did not deserve to be treated that way.", "It's not your fault."  Finally at that moment the million pound white elephant that had been hanging around my tiny neck for 20 years was lifted and pulled away.  I felt loved and worthy of love.  I love my brother so much for doing that for me. 

 

Hmm... So, to wrap this up I can say from experience that the pain does not come from not getting the money.  The pain comes from feeling NOT loved and NOT loveable.  I can say that if you are a parent that this will be one of the hardest things your child will ever have to overcome if you do it to them.  Don't let your actions be something that breaks their heart.  Don't leave them with unfinished business that you are no longer there to help them to overcome.  Don't be the first person to break their hearts.  No matter how old our babies get.... they are still our babies.  We love them.  That is our job.  Yes, no matter what.

 

 

Quote From: momakababe

 What makes you think that your step daughter didn't want to know what her fathers last wishes were?  Last wishes are often given in a will and maybe she wanted to make cure he's buried where he wants and if he's saying "I want my daughter to have grandma's ring." that this is what happens. 

 

 

" The funniest part of our situation is, that I am the one with all the money."     Big woo -

 

 

I have a will and all of my family heirlooms are to go to my children not to my husband.  :)  Now of course he would just abide my wishes because he's not looking to pawn them, but if it were a step father after their father and my sons might not trust him then yes the *family heirlooms* are more than their business.  It isn't about money but about the passing down of personal items that have *meaning* rather than letting someone slip in and sell off all of great grandmas silver! 

Quote From: teddydks

It's not even remotely about money. It's about love.

When someone says "I'll leave you nothing in my will" what it really means is "I don't love you."

My father said it to me when I was a teenager, and we have zero relationship. I tried many times to mend it, but finally realized that he just doesn't care, and never will.

I'm still hurt, but I have my only family, so I have tried to be the best parent I can, and focus on the positives in my life.

The best thing the older daughter could do is move away, focus on her own family, build a relationship with her younger sister, (away from the mother) and live her life. The mother won't change, and the hurtful words have made deep irrepairable scars.

If the younger daughter wants to fix the relationship with her sister, she could draw up an agreement to give her sister half of whatever she inherits.